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There is blood in my mouth,
liquid steel from sharp words that are cut from my teeth and flicked out of my mouth by my tongue.
My throat is literally drowning from words my brain produces
but cannot stop from throwing forth;
my mind producing thoughts like a steam train on a new track.
Clickety, Clack. Clickety, Clack.
And i thought different,
of you.
But my teeth are bruised from speaking to you,
my air pushing from my lungs, to give me breath to speak to you,
is death and rotten, it is done with you,
and, me.
There is blood in my mouth,
it dries around my lips and cracks open
everytime i breathe.
Sometimes i wish you had just hit me with your words,
that the cartilage under my nose had cracked
from the force your words threw at me,
that there was a full outward combustion
and it ran down my face,
dripped off my chin and left the building.
My brain keeps thowing these punches,
left, right, under, left, dive, hook, run,
and i am losing this battle, that began a fight,
that i never began
that i never wanted in the first place,
but there is now blood in my mouth
And i need to mop this **** up
and start again...
I want to love you forever, not just for an ******, or a half
I want you to see you made my mind explode
so i could sacrifice my hearts worth
to keep loving you,
as you are.

I want to see you in the morning, and last thing at night, for a while
the way you walk, and move, i want to see that, i want to be
inside of you and feel that way you move
i want to hear your voice
the way you speak
your words.

I want to feel your hands over me, within me, calling me
I want to think with your words, how they talk
you make my thoughts faint from it
from all of of it
you beauty in a language,
of your own.

I want to be with you, even for an hour, to feel
your delight, your passion, your beauty
its all like adrenaline to the heart
and yes you do, you know
bring me back to life
in your kiss.
He takes your breath away, he steals the night before you, constricting your sight and your eyes, he lies, next to you but his mind is a seafare away, in fact his presence is valid only by the point you feel lost and dejected, hands rejected. He moves in your head, your head, he waltzes in slow motion, grasps at straws, gasps for air, because you drown in his heavy stare. A thing of beauty, you paint him a picture in your mind, he takes control, changes the colours of the mood, lost you find yourself to be.

Two feet on the ground, the stars collapse and combust under the pressure of his gaze. He holds your hand, your hand is not your own, it is fragile as glass, an extension of your heart, your head, your head. Can you move your feet? Step, two, three, four. I am lost in your smile, it steals my eyes, stings to the touch, cold as the ice I walk upon. Are you there, where is he, going? He laughs and dust settles, He laughs and you are mute, he laughs with her mouth wide open, he will steal your breath. He wears a novel in the brim of his hat, he wears a footprint on her hand, he walks, he talks, he moves, in a language unknown to me. You lie still, belie me, tread a little carefully, dance a slow jig to my music. Listen carefully for I will say this only once.

Do not hold my hand, my words are dissatisfied with the mark they make. A beauty unsurpassed, sur-passable by my standards. Do not make me a mirror, I have no vision left to see, my head that you walk in, is running away with time. Smile, you make me. Tear your gaze from mine, I lose you, you are somewhere else, not here, I am blind, dumb, deaf and numb. Forgive me, if I know not what to say, sometimes I can do nothing but think analytically. Your touch mystifies my soul, I lose all sense of control, with no reproach I start again at the beginning. Of time.

An introduction to me is to be made. He is a thief by only the most awesome standards. Your muscles contract as his words, her mouth moves to yours. The taste of air, is sweet on your palate, shapes are made by candlelight, his scent is of positive delight, he feels like the night. Dark, endless, fulfilled by the moon. Delighted by the sun, you go on the run, not looking back but you drag your fingers behind you, longing to let go. Ready for the show, you undress with minimalist perfection; you take all but his direction, and watch for his musical face. Nothing is something, when it is not even there, because you can feel it, and you don’t even need to see what I mean to understand. By my second hand, I unwind.

I am not here, I am not there, I am not, anywhere. He seeks me out, I hear him call. I hear him shout. Each movement is a ripple, I feel him like a butterfly in my hair. Turns my head, makes me cry, makes me wonder why. Each breath tells a story, each kiss is a new chapter. He will write you a novel in a night-time of passion without a desperate loaded ending. He will whisper your name so that it no longer sounds like air through his pursed mouth. Blondie plays in the background and the candles dance in tune to the beat of the song. You move your fingers like they need to grasp his words. And nothing comes to your touch. Drowning in happily ever afters, forevers and forget-me-nots, love becomes a thunderstorm in a teacup....
Funny feeling this. Sense of loss. Who could’ve thought it would have ended like this. Because I never cared or gave a second thought. I filled my life with a roundabout of drama, it took my mind off this. Of what I should have done or be doing. The guilt crept in and I melted it away with money and pride. Who am I, when it all burns out, who am I? We fill ourselves up with what we think we should do, be or what they think. What does it all mean in the end? What was the purpose of that kiss, that word, that heartfelt moment? That hug that meant so much, the way my head was turned, the way you woke me at 4 in the morning to laugh about something random. It was something, that was nothing. I’ve been down this road before.

I spent the night lying on your kitchen floor, because I had never known words like yours before. I could not lie next to you knowing this was what you felt. I could not have made it better with the cards I was dealt. I am sorry for knowing how to be. I thought being myself was enough to be free. Tho I cried and weeped into your linoleum, I whispered words in to your fridge door. I thought I had been heard every time the lights came on. But you never checked on me. You walked straight past the door. I thought I was your forever more. I lost track of time. I lost the touch of your skin upon mine. Your lips, my god, they were lost. I cannot remember your face the last time you smiled. I am sorry. To feel this way.

Such a sense of loss. I cried over you. At what it had cost. Us. And yet in all grand schemes, what does it matter; what did it mean? I can’t help it if you made me feel good. What with the Jacobs Creek wasn’t it was meant to be? Funny feeling this. Sense of loss. Sense of bliss. Being able to smile when I want to die. Without you. I wonder if you think of me. If you remember me in the quiet times. And I like to think you do. And I smile a half smile because I am half paralysed by you. Maybe I have sinned, maybe I was wrong. Maybe this is not real, but something to make you think I have wrote a real song. Because I felt bad, I regretted my woes and still you, yes you, made it worse than what I already had.

Funny feeling this, this sense of loss. Nothing can quite erase the pain. And I have nothing to take you away. No painkiller, no chardonnay, no woman, can make you quite. Go. Away. Go. Away. No more making thoughts in my head. Seeing you reminds me of being dead. Of living without breath. Of being the **** in the situation in my own head. No nothing whilst you go on, go on, with yourself, living your majestic life, can make this situation any better. Baby steps eh? Sorry I must repeat, sorry; I always am, I can be no less. Loss, a familiar thing you would think. Eh? God this is so confusing, when will you stop being what I don’t want you to be?
The denigration of western society has been slowly been created by ourselves, we are the cog within the machinery. Anonymously we have in turn allowed ourselves to become part of the problem. We are silenced by those who had the loudest mouths who really say nothing at all. We live in awe of respect for those who have the power to change the world but do not. Though we as the majority have the power to do so, but have no self-belief. We are innately bound to this oppressive weakened society where capitalism and consumerism have become our churches and our footballers and celebrities are our saints. Never could they sin as bad as your brother or your sister, yet you would pay some media company to know it all, to see that their problems are your problems, that you are part of their world, that you secretly yearn for a place in this world that is more than what you have accepted. Because yes, you accepted this life. You accept this is the way life is, that you should suffer and be manipulated by greed and power. And to think how frustrating that is, that you accepted this, and however much you hate it, you feel powerless to do anything about it.

And what of love and passion? Even altruism has become anti-altruistic “he/she’s only doing it for the fame/power/money";  it quickly becomes a commodity. Where are the true lovers, the true passionate keepers of dreams and firer of fireworks? They are ostracised by society. They work in jobs we class as thankless tasks. They keep close company with people of their own kind however they are our key to being happier, they love equally and fully. They represent what many of us spurn but secretly wish to be or what we want. Freedom to act, to be individual, ‘to break free from the chains that bind us’. We are constrained by a secret institution, where ‘they’ are our gods. We live by their rules. It is in our minds. Positive mental attitude never hurt anyone, only fear and fear of fear, leading to hurt, anger, control has always been consistent when looking at manic depressive societies – when the only time we get truly excited is when a major chain store brand has a major boxing day sale.

Oh to think we don’t belong to anyone – we can actually be who we want to be, how freeing is that? To think that we don’t need to find love in the arms of another, to be loved is to be fulfilled. Really? What about the love for yourself? You can only be loved as your capacity is to love yourself, because that is how you will understand love to be.How to feel that free and to be in love and to be loved - What a freedom. Loneliness is a evil of the mind, bore by love stories created by the media, that we need to find our soul mate, someone to live with forever; to try to have that perfect relationship, and that someone with whom we are compatible with – when why not just be, be loved, love in return, **** happens. We break, we fall, we get back up, we are not alone, we can turn around and life be changed in an instance. But we never stop being. Accept who you are. Because this is enough. There is no check list. How you are perceived does not mean you are defined by just this. Don’t be defined by your dictionary term. You are loved. You are wanted. You are amazing and beautiful in your own right.
We are born, we die, this is what we are sure of; inbetween is the path that you make. So make it a good one. Smile more, because you really are beautiful when you do so.
I am a.... philanthropist at heart.
It's written on my face, tattooed on my right arm, and runs in my blood


I love you.
Yes, you reading this.
I love you.
I love the colour of your eyes.
I love the way your mouth smiles.
I love the way your face moves
I love the way you push people away,
that love you.
I love the hugs that you give
I love the way you sing when no-one is listening.
I love you when you look in your mirror and find all your flaws.
I love your fingertips that press the buttons on your keyboard.
I love the txts that you send
I love it when you miss out on the world because facebook is more important
I love you when you give money to the homeless
I love you when you walk on by
I love your dark sins, your demons and your prison of fear
I love your altruism.
I love the shoes you hate and don't like to wear
I love you when you think you're fat
I love you when you work out
I love you when you are loving someone else
I love you when you are laid on the bathroom floor unable to breathe from hanging onto the world
I love you when you look away
I love you when you think you can't take anymore and want to die
I love you when you are angry, bitter and detest these words
I love your accent
I love the hairs that grow on your toes.
I love the way you part your hair
I love you despite the fact you think you are not meant to be loved.
I love your goofy dance moves
I love your tired face and 'talk to me and die' look
I love you when you're weak and afraid
I love you when you think you're invincible
I love you when you are addicted
I love you when you are lost and alone
I love you when you are in love
I love you when you steal, beg or borrow
I love your thinking face, your thunder face, and your 'hold me' face
I love you when you are a thousand miles away
I love you when you snore next to me
I love it when you swear, curse and reject me, and my love
I love you when you question my love
I love you when you turn your back on me
I love you when you hurt me, beat me, abuse me, and take my heart and crush it like a tin can
I love you,
Always, now and forever.....
I love you, because i see you, because i know you, because i know you are worthy of love.

Philanthropist. Look it up.
<3
i held your hand, it fit like a glove
we talked about me
we talked about you
we talked about life and you really listened
you looked at me and it was right there in your eyes
you touched my leg at one point, told me to carry on
i had forgotten what i was sayin in the middle of my words
it made my hands shake
i babbled on, i didn't know what to say
you made me feel so right, just right
when you told me of that girl
the one who didn't love you right
it made me smile
we had both been burnt and it was ok
later when you kissed me it felt like you were meant to be there
i didn't expect it
you held my head so delicately
you held my hands by their fingertips and entwined your little finger around my hand
i looked at you in a new way
we stayed up all night
we talked and laughed
we agreed and moved in a way i had never known
there was no rips or tears at the seams
you didn't pull my hair or scream at me
i didn't push too hard
i just fell into being
i looked at you and felt ok
you smiled and i smiled
we got drunk and stayed til the sun came back out again
and in the morning when i had to leave
you held me all the way to the door
we mumbled goodbyes and kissed at the door
i felt young
i felt me
i feel good
i feel ok
you took me away and brought me back again
and never once did i get scared
you, made me smile
and made me want to see you again
you think it was just words
but we were poets in our own book
and we wrote the most wonderful lines
then when i see you again
we will make it so
that it will be ok
and it will be safe
and we will touch fingertips
and it will feel like we never said goodbye
thank you
So let me ask you then
how many nights I have spent lying on my kitchen floor like this
praying to a piece of paper that I find a way to make this all come out right?
And while I'm lying there have you tasted
the emptiness that settles on my lips as I count the stars on my fingertips
begging a soul I don't recognize any more to come and carry me?
Have you ever tried to hold something that heavy?
You don't make it far before you're dragging your feet
around a promise nobody had to make, but was clear

It was clear that you loved me more than I
always knew you did.

So let me ask you then
how I spend the time I don't have on fixations like that
hallucinating that I see your feet by my door or your name on my telephone?
And while I'm smudging my eyes from the minute reminder
that I waited longer than me and the god that holds me now knew I should have
I turn to the clock that haunts me.
Have you ever tried to feel how long that is?
You don't realize it until you're twenty-five staring the same blue-eyed problem in the face,
that grew from the memory you have of him as a kid you tossed through,
and you're wondering how you managed to scrape through with the amount of dignity
you gaze at in the reflection of the mirror.

I know that you love me more than I
always knew you did.

So let me ask you then
how come we aren't better than this?
How come it's 12:28 in the morning and I'm waiting on a call I'm never going to get?
How come we bank through changes with a common hand in hand,
but we can't make it through to see the sunrise?
How come we aren't better than a vulnerable night, a couple drinks, a wish
between the sheets of a bed with no destination that somehow
we'd wind up back in the fragmented places we've been?

How come we always want more, but we can't have it now?

How come you won't have me now?

When I know that you love me more than I
always knew you did.
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