Silent tears are not the same
As those of sadness and pain
They are that of depression
Of insecurity
Of not remembering who you are
They stain your cheeks just the same
And they have the same salty flavor
But the burn your insides to the very center
And they don't let you breath
And they reduce you to nothing
Silent because you are alone
And they want you to stay that way
Silent because nobody cares to hear anyway

Some doors close but then others tend to open
And kids grow up and change
Most move on to big, grand plans
And they pay too much for their education
But that's all a part of the experience they say
The air is thick with dreams and hopes
And sticky with tears
Leaking from the corners of people eyes
The smell of ink is rich and wet
As the last thoughts of the year are spewed into clean pages
Little notes of inside jokes
And memories that have accumulated over the years
And then the day is done
The last bell echoes through the halls
And then they are gone
Shadows of their existence remain
But they will never return whole
But I'm still here
And I'm waiting
Waiting for my doors to open and close

I sat in the cool blades of grass
and the wind chilled my bare arms
and I realized,
this must be serenity

I sat with my back against a tree
Notebook and pens
Just a few strides away from humanity
And it felt so good to be away

To be away is to be whole
Nobody to try and please
Nobody to answer to
Only a sea of thought to get lost in

Both a blessing and a curse I suppose
But this fine breezy day was right
Everything was right and fine
The sounds were pleasing against my ears

I sat for a few minutes longer
Then I began to pack up my things
Serenity was a resource not to take for granted
I began my walk home, weight off my shoulders

In that moment I was me
I was whole
I was present
I was serene

Things I have not been for a very long long time

Insomnia, my greatest enemy, dearest friend has come along to visit again.
She appears at my bedside each night and waits beside me as the darkness encroaches.
My comforter is thick and warm, inviting toward her, she comes next to me, I can feel her above me, whisking the tired feelings away.
She slips into the corners of my mind and takes my body for a ride, just lying there for endless hours, waiting for a sign of sun.
I am sweating but the dark is far too cold to relieve the covers of their duty.
The darkness is thick and cold and chills my bones to the core as I stand up.  
I have become far too restless just lying and I need to move, Insomnia what is your purpose?
Three am showers have become a habit, almost like a ritual as I take the walk down the hall trying hard not to make a sound.    
The door creeks as I open it, my feet freezing on the tile floors as I step inside.
I strip my sweaty thermal off my back, a difficult task because it had begun to stick to my skin.
I turn the water to the highest temperature, even that won’t be hot enough to escape the dark chill in my bones.
As I wait for the water to become satisfactory I count tiles like I have so many nights before.
1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28…
Tonight’s magic number, the water has become slightly shy of scalding and I step in and just feel.
Sensations over run my body, rigid from the sudden change in atmosphere
Relaxed because the heat feels good
I give in and take a seat on the warm, stark white surface
It feels good to just sit in the haze of vapor
Insomnia loosens her grip as the water makes me number than I was before
The water goes cold; I suppose I have sat too long pondering my woes and worries
So I stand which is quite the task, the same each night
I turn off the water absorbing the last of the heat and savoring each second
I step out and go through the motions of drying myself
Begin at my hair and work toward my toes
I put on sweatpants and a new t-shirt
I brush my hair
The door creeks open once more and I return to my room
My bed welcomes me and insomnia has left my bedside, finally tiring from fighting my body, off to infect another I suppose
Good night, until tomorrow my dear friend, great enemy.