Here I am.
Back in this town.
Back in this bed.
Laying in a room with glow in the dark stars scattered on the walls.
Here I am.
With one of my best friends asleep in my bed and drunk.
Here I am on the phone with my other best friend.
As she throws up from anxiety.
Scared to death because the boy she loves got busted.
Here I am.
With the guy I like just down the street with the girl he likes laying next to him.
Here I am.
Too stressed to think of sleep.
Wishing desperately I had more than two cigarettes left.
Laying with no excitement for the sun to come up and the next day to begin.
I should have known better than to visit home.
This town is nothing more than a black hole of drugs, heartbreak, and destruction.
Here I am.
I worked so hard to let go of who I am in this place.
I thought one week would be safe.
Here I am.
Slipping back into old habits.
Watching my life slip back into old habits.
Simply because I'm back in this town.
Back in this room.
Back in this bed.
Here I am.
Wishing I was anywhere else.

There's a 50/50 chance here my dear.
Shall we stay.
Or shall I go.
I'm fighting an un-winnable war.
Fighting to win.
For so long there has been a weight on my soul.
You lifted it off of me.
Allowed me to see who I truly am.
Now here we are with the stars up above.
Though that weight had fallen back down.
Choosing you as its newest victim.
I'm fighting a war against the darkness that once devoured me.
A battle I've never been able to beat.
The stakes are higher this time.
However I know I can't bring you out of the darkness.
I'm struggling to remember who you are underneath.
It's time I find another place love.
To disappear and never leave a trace.
Go anywhere I want.
I'll never be able to fight the army surrounding you.
I've lost my chance to love who you truly are.

And in her final hours the stars showed themselves brighter than ever before. Lightening streaked through a perfectly clear sky. The wind swayed through every single leaf in eye sight. Before she took one last swig from her drink then laid down for the last time.

There is such a question that appears even in the most Atheist mind.
Is there anything to expect after death?
Does your mind and soul disappear into the ground with you?
Or do you ascend into a higher realm of clouds and fairy dust?
A place where you can watch the ones you love from above.
Perhaps the afterlife consists of us walking the world observing life in the shadows.
Then maybe death involves the worst fate we can imagine,
Living in the firery depths of hell.
So here I sit pondering.
If I were to die, where would I go?
Would I be forced to see my loved ones mourn...
Would I never feel anything again?
These are the questions that sit between me and suicide.

Why do the worst emotions hit at the most inconvient times.
Why do words never stop them selves from being spoken before the damage has been done.
Why do I begin to do good.
Be happy.
Be healthy.
All to have it disappear.
All to end up laying here feeling this way.
Alone and empty.
On the verge of tears with anger building inside my soul.
Why do I never learn my lesson.
Making the same mistakes time and time again.
However I never expect different results.
I know the outcome.
I know how it will end yet I continue to proceed.
I'm self destructive.
An exploding bomb just waiting to go off again.
Why must I do this.
Why must I feel this way.
Why do I live this life.
I wish I could change my past.
Change that which has traumatized me into allowing myself to be this person.
I wish I could live peacefully with myself for more than a month or two.
Live peacefully without some old problem reappearing and crushing me again.
Why do I never get over my past.
Never get over the trauma.
I have never been strong enough for that.
Strong enough to let go.
To stop myself from crashing again.
Why do I live this way still.
It's lasted too long.

Reoccurring emotions.
Every few months I experience reoccurring emotions.
I have a new life.
New battles to face.
However, every few months it occurs.
The same fights with my mom.
The same conversations about it with my sister.
The same feeling of abandonment from my friends.
The same crushing feeling of missing someone who lives 1,000 miles away.
In the months inbetween everything is different.
I believe the pattern will not occur once more.
How could it?
Nothing in my life is the same as before.
Then it happens.
It becomes time to battle the reoccurring emotions.

I'm sorry but I don't know how much longer I can take this.
Having emotions again...
Opening myself back up to those around me.
It's too hard.
It's too painful.
I'm not use to everyday emotions.
Getting sad, angry, or stressed over the small things.
I can't handle it.
I want to go back.
Back to suppressing it all.
Being emotionless and cold.
Distant from those I love.
It was easier.
Miserable but easier.
I don't know what to do.
I'm trying but I want to give up.
If you notice me disappear again.
Start talking less...
Well I'm sorry.
I tried for you.
I guess you were wrong though, I'm not strong enough.

I can feel the darkness returning.
I can feel it spreading through my entire body.
Overcoming my mind.
Just as everything started to ease.
Life was becoming good.
The darkness has once again decided to reappear.
I can feel my heart hardening.
My mind becoming angry and bitter.
Closed off to those around me.
I'm losing my desire to get out of bed.
To try.
The depression is returning.
As it always must.

As cliche and over used as it may be,
All things happen for a reason.
Bad, Heartbreaking moments that make it feel as though the world has shattered beneath your feet.
However, these painful moments appear with a purpose.
They appear with something in store for us on the other side.
We are needed to do something,
To come across a discovery,
Or to become someone new.
A journey that could not have previously occurred.
So you may be in pain.
The tears may flow to the point you think they will never end.
But I know you are strong.
I know you're about to go down a beautiful path.

I remember the way it felt.
The way it felt to be set on fire.
One simple look...
One simple touch from you and it was as though I could see the flames coursing over my body.
The electricity running through my veins.
You ignited me in the most beautiful way.
You made that spark reappear in my eyes.
You reminded me how it felt to be alive.

It is hard for me to fathom how everyone around you can spend months begging you to talk about your feelings.
How they can make you believe it's okay.
They make you think they want to hear.
Want to know.
That it's okay to break down to them.
It's hard for me to fathom how they can say all these things to you, trying to get you to break down your walls.
However the second you do they're no where in sight.
All of these people are no where in sight.
You message them pouring out your heart because they said they will be there.
Then spend hours waiting for a response they never seem to send.
It makes it so you stop speaking to everyone again.
It makes it so you don't even want to have surface level conversations with them.
You trusted they will be there.
They promised.
It's hard for me to fathom what changed in the time it took for you to open up.
What caused them to stop caring.

While I'm stuck here.
The beautiful, depressed, island girl.
Who thinks of nothing but you and the way it sounds every time you would say that nickname you gave me.
Wishing desperately to be back in your arms.
Wishing desperately we could be driving around blaring Green Day.
Wishing desperately to go swimming fully dressed, in the ocean, after you pick me up from work.
Wishing desperately to be walking around The Strand holding your hand as I stop constantly, and you wait patiently, for me to finish taking yet another photo on my camera.
Wishing desperately...

And even through the most stressful days I have finally learned the ability to smile and laugh as though I'm in love with every sight I see.

There's a side to me I don't believe anyone will ever have the pleasure to meet because she lives within my deepest dreams.

I've come to a realization.
I'm different than everyone else and that's okay.
I'm not weird.
I'm unique.
Nobody has ever truly been able to understand me.
Though, a few have come quite close.
I feel with everything in me.
I have depth to my thoughts that most don't.
I dance for no reason.
I dress to mood.
You never know what to expect from me.
You can never fully grasp me.
I've always been this way.
And for years I've been judged for it.
Even by those closest to me.
But, I like who I am.
Correction.
I love who I am.
I'm smart and beautiful.
I'm a free spirt.
I never like to stop moving.
To stop talking.
And that's okay.
That's just who I am.
I don't want to be just another face in a crowd of the same collage on repeat.
I'm unique.
I'm real.
I'm brutally honest.
I love facts.
Cleaning and making lists make me happy.
I'll go from listening to hard rock to listening to Broadway.
I don't know if I'll ever find someone who truly understands the way my mind works.
But that's how I like it.
I finally like who I am.
I like being unique.
As we all should be.
We should all be unique.

Everything about who I am is dissolving and forming into someone new.
I'm letting go of my past.
Embracing the future with an open hand.
I love the life I've lived.
The friends I've had for years.
However if I keep caring on the way I am;
I will no longer be alive to write these words I so often do.
I'm starting new.
I'm going to leave those who doubt me stuck in disbelief.
This is my oath to myself.
It's time for change.
It's time to say goodbye.
I'm ready to begin the next chapter of my life.
I'm ready to be free of heartbreaking memories.
This is my new beginning.
For now on the girl I was will be buried in the ashes of what she once loved.

But here's the thing.
He was my first love.
He was the first person I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.
He was the first person to make me see how beautiful life is.
He was the first person I craved to fall asleep with.
To never leave his arms.
He was the first person to show me what love truly is.
He was also the first person to break my heart.
To completely shatter me.
He caused me to cry for months.
To feel like nothing could ever make me happy again.
Now a year and a half later...
The pain is gone.
I don't think of him in every moment.
However I still think of him everyday.
I still love him.
But that's okay.
I'll fall in love one day again.
Knowing that what I had with him was irreplaceable.
That he will always be my first love.
That I will always be his.
Now, I just can't wait till the day I find my final love.

After sleepless nights filled with suicidal thoughts I cover myself in paint and fill my mind with music and not until that moment do I know that it will all be okay. That I will be okay.

Second by second the world goes around.
Second by second I feel myself spiraling away from the ground.
Second by second it becomes closer to the time when you leave.
Second by second I will fall to pieces.
In a matter of seconds my mind will become a war zone.
However the seconds will feel like an eternity.
Second by second...

I've spent so long drowning inside of myself.
And now...
Anytime you appear at my side it's like electricity coursing through my veins.

There are those who say they stay awake
From the hours of 1-5am because the world is silent
No body is trying to bother them
However I disagree
Between 1-5am the world is my destruction
My mind becomes a tormented prison
Those I love call me crying
Torn down from their own mental hell
People are using drugs
Girls and guys are *******
The world is not silent
The world is exploding into a chaos that most can not see
They're hidden away in their bedrooms protected from harm
Kept safe from the cruelty the rest of us endure.

Life is withering away at our fingertips. The world is on fire and ash is falling from the sky. So tell me how are you going to spend your last remaining moments? What will you be doing as you watch the world fall through existence?

I was told last night that I'm addictive.
As hard as you were trying to leave you couldn't let go.
Couldn't let go.
That's mind blowing to me.
Because everyone else has ran away.

It's 6:25am.
I haven't slept.
I'm in a horrible mood.
However I've made a decision.
It's time to be who I truly am again.
The girl I used to be wasn't weak.
She was head strong and stuck to her morals.
She believed that love and *** are not to be taken lightly.
They are beautiful things and not to be thrown around and abused.
The girl I was...
She was sweet.
Cared for everyone around her.
It didn't matter who you were or what was going on, if someone needed help she was there.
She was brutally honest and didn't care what anyone thought of her.

The person I've become sickens me...
She is dark and bitter.
She acts without thinking just to spend the next few days hating herself for what she has done.
She has hurt the people she loves most.
She doesn't care what happens as long as she feels okay in the moment.
She has been hurt and broken so many times that she has nothing left in her.
All the bad bounces off of her because she has forced herself not to care.
She has no regard for those around her.
She lies to the people closest to her so she doesn't have to admit how horrible of a person she has become.

So here I am now.
In this moment.
This sleepless, emotional moment.
I have decided to become the girl I was.
The girl I truly am.
Somebody that I can be proud of.
I've decided to be the girl without a broken heart and go back to being full of love.
It's time I learn to love myself again.

I've watched my world shatter into a million fragments and become ****** in by a black hole.
Yet here I am smiling as though the darkness has never once reached my soul.

And in one picture the world froze and you could see the relaxation of the universe flowing of off the photo. With one simple image the world was no longer as harsh and damaged as it had been.

We are the kids your parents never want you to be.
We are the kids everyone else is envious of.
We are the kids who run wild and free.

I need a witness.
I need someone to sit next to me and witness the chaos.
Watch how the sun rises and sets.
Observe how the light falls across our faces.
I need someone there to see the way I light up with a paintbrush in my hand.
The way I laugh until I cant breathe.
I need someone to run through the rain with me.
Drive around with the top down on a star filled night.
I need a witness.
Someone who will see me in the simplest of moments.
Someone who is willing to witness all the beauties of this universe at my side.

Do you remember the good old days.
Back in middle school.
In the beginning of high school.
We were all so young and naïve.
Sneaking around town at one in the morning.
Feeling like we were the baddest of them all.
Thirteen - Fourteen years old feeling like we're on top of the world.
We thought that we knew it all.
Little did we know how stupid we were.
How truly harsh and painful the world could be to us.
I would do anything to go back.
Back to the days when we were all innocent.
Well perhaps not innocent...

Whether night or day.
You're my sister.
If we haven't spoken in days, or in a year.
If you need me...
Just yell and I'll come running.
No matter how much distance lays in between
True friendship never dies.
I'll never stop caring.
This is my oath to you.
I'll always be there to watch the sunset in the morning.
I'll always be there to make you Mac N' Cheese as you sing.
You're my life long partner in crime.

Every time he smiles its like my heart is exploding.
Every time I look into his eyes it's like I'm seeing him again for the first time.
I can feel it...
I can feel my world changing.
It's the most amazing feeling in the world.
Falling in love again.
It's like everything I've known has shattered into dust and a beautiful world is rebuilding its self up around me.

A year ago my life was complete hell.
Now look at me.
I'm on fire.

I still think of you.
In those quiet moments.
When a sad song plays.
When a love song plays...
I read a poem or a quote,
and I feel their heartbreak with the image of you in my mind.
I think of the old days and feel your arms around me,
hear your voice whispering in my ear.
I want you back in my life.
Sitting by my side.
Listening to my drawn out rants.
I miss you.
You helped me see who I am.
You made me glow.
I'll never feel that way again...
The way you made me feel.
Though, I don't know if I ever should.
You set my world on fire in the most amazing way.
Then you left me to burn out.
I had to rebuild myself from the ashes.
I lost myself when I lost you.
I try to forget you.
Forget the beauty of the flame.
But you left me covered in scars from the burns and I can't seem to make them fade away.
I can't seem to make you fade away.
The feel of the fire was too addicting.
And you're too dangerous for me to have.

It's four in the morning and my mind is overwhelming. I'm three months sober again and fighting like hell everyday to continue to be the person I have become and the person I want to be. Now here I lay wondering why it is that I always want to cave the most when everyone else is asleep and I have to fight off the urge on my own.

I've got a theory that non of us understand who we are

I have this feeling
It lives in my every thought
Embodies my every moment
I feel it stronger than anything I ever have before
I'm more sure of this than I have any other time one of these feelings have occurred
Feelings of what will come to be
I feel it knotted in the pit of my stomach
I feel it with an ache in my heart
Desperately waiting for the moment to occur
I know it will happen
I feel it
I've waited one year now
And I'll keep waiting
I have never been wrong before
No matter how much I hoped to be
I have to be right
I couldn't bear it otherwise

For the moments where you can not stop yourself from doing something no matter how much pain it brings you.

All she knew was that nothing in the world could be more perfect than this moment. With the sea spread out infront of her lightly crashing to the shore, the sun tanning the bridge of her nose, and the wind softly blowing through her thick hair. Nothing could make this moment better; except of course one thing. Though she knew better than to think of such devastations. The pain and sorrow was far too much. She always dreamed of coming here with him. However, that was before he left and everything changed.

My bestfriend stopped speaking to me.
My bestfriend.
The person who has held me in my darkest moments for the past three years.
The one who got me through everything I went through last year.
He stopped speaking to me.
There was no fight.
He just stopped.
It's been almost a whole month now.
I pretend as though I don't care.
That it doesn't bother me.
Yet.
I miss him in every moment.
I miss his inappropriate comments.
How he could turn the simplest statement into some ****** joke.
I miss the way he always bribed me to clean his room.
I miss the way he was always there.
For the past three years he has always been there.
In return I always tried my hardest to do the same.
Now he's not.
The money I had saved up for his birthday is just sitting there.
I don't know if I'll ever get him back.
And now there is a picture of us as the background on my phone.
Torturing me.
I'm torturing myself and he's probably asleep.
We agreed to never leave each other like everyone else has.
We agreed to love each other when we had nobody else to love us.
So where is he.
Doesn't he realize he did the exact same thing as him.
He broke all of his promises.
He broke my heart in a way it's never broken before.

It's all just so amusing.
My family still asks me about you.
They ask how you're doing,
Or if we've talked.
They ask about you moving to Rhode Island.
Your grandfather still sends your mom home with popcorn for me.
Your step dad gives me rides home from work.
I still call your mom when I'm freaking out and need someone to talk to.
Your sister still likes my photos on Facebook.
Your younger brother video called me last night to show me how big the new puppy has gotten.
And it's all so amusing to me.
We are not apart of each others lives at all anymore.
However, we are still covering each other's worlds.
I guess this is what happens when you become one with someone so intensely.  
You can never completely leave behind the connections you created together.
The bonds you created with the people who matter most to the other.

I've gained sanity and peace of mind though lost almost everything else in the process.
Now I'm left here asking
"Was it worth it? Would I do it all again if given the choice?"
And I've come to realize I would.
I would do everything exactly the same.
No matter how many opportunities I was given.
I wouldn't change a single decision because every choice I've made,
no matter how horrible has led me here.
I've been led to this exact moment.
I've been led to you.
The girl smiling back at me through the mirror.

I did it again.
I picked up the blade and played that game of tic tac toe.
I stained my fingers with the ****** ink.
Dragging the blade back and forth till I felt drunk on the cuts.
Till I felt numb from the pain.
The mental pain I'm drowning in.
The pain caused from missing a boy who no longer exists.
Missing a girl who died with her child.
Missing the family that left when her mother walked out the door.
The pain caused from the anxiety left on me.
The anxiety of never knowing who to talk to or where I belong.
If I still have people in my life to lean on.
However that's probably partially my fault.
I the girl who never stops speaking...
No longer even tries to speak to those I care for.
I can't.
My blade has become my bestfriend tonight.
And I don't think any of them would understand.
So here I sit.
Laying on the floor of my closet.
An ace bandage wrapped around my thigh.
Hiding my newest game of tic tac toe.
As I write you this poem.

I'm laying on the ground.
No singular thought to be found inside the chaos of my mind.
I'm laying here with my favorite song on repeat.
I'm laying here in wait.
I'm ready.
I'm ready to be with the shooting stars.
I begin to make my journey to the sky.
Yet, someone's in my path.
Death is standing infront of me laughing.
"It's not your time foolish girl. You may be ready... But I'm not. Now wait."

I'm sitting here in the same spot I have sat hundreds of times before with memories taking over my mind. Thinking back to a happier time.
A time with you sitting next to me with a talon in your hand.

I have never been one to love cheesy lines.
Talking like immature children with no real knowledge at love feels like an insult on my intelligence.
However,
To tell the girl in love with food;
That she looks like french fries and that's you saying she looks beautiful...
To tell the girl in love with Avatar the Last Airbender;
That you'd wait in an iceberg a 100 years to be with her...
To ask the girl in love with Doctor Who;
If she will have tea and crumpets with you...
That is the most beautiful thing in the world to me.
Those are the things that cause enormous undying smiles to appear on my face.
Those are the things that make me blush for the rest of the day.
Those are the words I will never forget.
Those are the words no girl will ever forget.
If you are willing to connect with who I am,
I will be in love with you for the rest of eternity.

I wish I could fall in love with you.
Life would be so much easier.
Except you're my bestfriend.
And I can never see you that way.

And I look inside my soul and all I see is darkness.
I look inside my eyes and the fire has been extinguished.
I look upon my heart and it is covered in scars.
Though in every photo you can see a blinding smile on my face.
In every video all you hear is laughter.
I get up every day,
Tie up my combat boots,
And apply my lipstick.
Praying this will be the day I find my answers.
This will be the day you hand me back over the key.
So I can unlock the light you stole from me.
Become whole once more.
Then perhaps next time I wont give myself up so easily.
I won't give love to the wrong man.

I've saved up just enough money for a one way ticket out of here.
To go as far away as I please.
My bags are packed.
I left a note on my bed with all of my goodbyes.
However, there is something stopping me.
If I walk out this door...
I will never see him again,
Once one of us is out of this town...
Our forever is officially over.
Yet my plane takes off in an hour,
So I guess this is it.
The final goodbye to the dreams I once had.

There are somedays I would give my entire world to be that girl again.
The girl I was.
When I first got sober.
When I was inlove.
Before my world crashed.
Then I have to remember that I'm not.
It's okay that I've changed.
That my life has changed.
I may have been happy then.
However, I am happy now.
At the end of the day,
that is all that counts.