They sit there across the room from each other in a comfortable yet unsettling silence.
She sitting on the bed looking at her anxiety bitten nails.
Him sitting at the desk enveloped by his phone.
Getting a moment of courage the girl looks up and asks a simple question.
"Do you miss it?"
Confused the boy looks up.
"Miss what?" He asks.
"Do you miss how it felt to be in love? Do you miss how it felt knowing we always had each other? Always had someone to turn to in the darkest of moments who would grab your hand, and steal you away. Force you into the light and do everything so you never have to go back to the black hole that tries to surround you. Do you miss what it felt like to be smiling the second you saw me or heard my voice? I miss those smiles. I miss how it feels."
Putting down his phone he moves across the empty bedroom and stares straight into her eyes.
"I try not to think about it, but in this moment... Now that I am thinking about it, I do. I miss what it felt like to hold you and watch all of our demons fade away."
"I wish there was a way for us to be in love again. I wish both of us hadn't blown all of our chances."
"So do I my ForeverGirl."
Closing her eyes she feels him sit down next to her and hold her one more time.
Opening them to look at her one love, she looks around in shock.

It's six am according to the alarm clock blaring next to her.
She's in bed alone...
As she always is now.
It was just a dream.
Turning the alarm off before falling back into bed.
She curls up into a ball and cries her way back to sleep.
Back to him.
Dreams being the only place she can feel his touch.
Hear his voice.
The boy she loves.
The boy who died a year ago.

It's four am.
The room is black except for the startling light coming from the TV.
Netflix playing one episode after another.
It's four am.
I'm wide awake.
Why am I wide awake?
No, wait...
I know why.
It's because my brain is on overdrive.
It's four am.
And like every other hour of the day...
Memories are  haunting me.

I can trace all of this back to one single moment.
Yet even if I could change that moment,
Change my past...
I still think I was always destined to meet him.
And I truly believe he would not have taken a liking to me had I been any different.
Though maybe he would have.
Maybe he would have stayed.
But would I have all this wisdom I do now.
The wisdom I use to help save those surrounding me had my story been different.
This is what I need to keep me going.
Focusing on not my pain but saving all those around me with the wisdom my pain has led me to carry.
The wisdom that has come from losing him and everything else in my life that has ended in catastrophe.

I was once asked what life is and I responded with the simple statement of "I am hungry."
In the simplest terms life consists of us all running around "hungry".
We hunger not just for food to nourish our bodies.
We hunger for air to fill our lungs.
We hunger for fame and fortune,
For the life we believe we deserve.
Our hunger.
Our want and desire is was fuels us everyday.
It is what creates the life that surrounds us.
Everyone is starving for something.
Nobody will stop until they get there.
No matter the consequences to themselves or the domino effect of consequences it creates around them.

I constantly find myself sitting here.
In a state between nostalgia and remorse.
Not knowing whether to laugh or cry.
I find myself sitting here almost a full year later.
An entirely new cycle of memories having been made.
Yet I still find myself sitting here everyday.
The memories of the year prior playing like a movie on a never ending loop still have yet to leave my mind.
It's been almost a year since we've touched.
Since we've spoken.
So tell me why I can hear his voice perfectly as though he's right next to me.
Why can I feel his touch as though he is next to me.
His hand intertwined with mine.
I try to forget.
Though it never works....
They say time heals all wounds.
It's been almost a full year.
The pains never changed.
It's just as harsh and brutal.
The only thing that's changed, is that I've gotten use to it.
It's been almost a full year.
I still constantly find myself sitting here.
Feeling nothing but pain and the cold metal of the necklace he got me against my skin.

Winter is here and along with laughter and snowball fights come heartbreak and frozen tears.

January 1st
I woke up in bed next to you.
I had the flu.

January 5th
I wasn't sick anymore but I was so depressed.

January 7th
I called you crying hysterically.
By the end of the call...
You told me that you wanted a break.

January 9th*
We decided to wait till I went back to Texas for the break though not speak at all from when I left to when I came back.

January 11th
I realized I was pregnant.
I called my best friend asking for a pregnancy test and a cigeratte.
I had stopped smoking for you when we got together.

January 12th
I boarded a plane.
I was so sick.

January 13th
I couldn't eat without getting sick.

January 14th
I couldn't drink water without throwing up.
My mom told me she was divorcing my dad.
I laid in bed all night in pain mentally screaming/praying for my baby to be okay.

January 15th
I woke up and had miscarried.
I was approximently 3-4wks pregnant.
I almost killed myself that night.
I didn't because I knew it would **** the guy I loved.

I layed in bed for a week. Didn't have the energy to eat let alone speak. I became so frail. So thin.

January 25th
I realized we weren't getting back together.

February 1st
I relapsed on pills.

February 4th
I was back in town.
I stayed the night at your house so my mom could talk to my dad.
We hadn't spoke in weeks.
By the end of the night we were us again.
However, you were so different in general.

February 6th
I overdosed on pills.
You sat there next to me.
Crying your eyes out.
Pleading with me to stop.
You sounded so angry and you were shaking.
I could hear the fear in your voice.
See how much you loved me in your eyes.
I stopped without a thought to it.
I couldn't hurt you.

February 7th
I had to go back to Texas again.

February 14th
You accidentally said you were my Valentine.

February 15th
You asked me about getting back together.
You backed out.

Time passed we were bestfriends yet there was more.* I came back to town and you had a distance with me. After spring break I could feel you coming back to me.

April 18th
I was emotionally done.
I allowed myself to get manipulated.
I made the worst mistake.
I lost you.

April 19th
I tried to **** myself.
I chugged whiskey.
Then...
Chugged cleaning fluid.
It didn't work...

This entire year has been hell. All I think about is you and that baby. I still love you. I can't figure out how to get past this. Something in me has died. Died with that child. Died with losing you. Smiles aren't real. Happiness is pretend. It took me months to stop crying everyday. Yet I still find times where the tears won't stop coming. The pain is the only thing real. I just can't wait for this hellish year to be over.

Maybe then I can start new...