Scared: the invaluable opportunity life provides us to be brave.

You wanted to talk to me just long enough to ease the guilt
You put yourself under. I wonder if you even felt
A genuine feeling the whole time you cried.
If you were ever even sorry that you lied, or if
You just hate the idea of missing my kiss,
Or missing this feeling of bliss when I smile,
If it was ever real you wouldn’t risk,
My disappointment in you for a kiss
Against every promise you have made and broken,
And made again, it was my mistake
To take your word once you broke it,
Keep my heart you stole it. Was it a race?
Because you’re reckless I’m a wreck and like always,
I’m whose left to clean the mess.
I asked if you could be here for me,
But you hung up you said to sleep,
I hope you can think of that while you dream,
Because your on the list of things
That I don’t need,
But thought I wanted
Now I’m haunted with that empty promise
And I can’t sleep.
You said seems like things just changed,
I would say it seems your right.
Beacuse your still lying over the same **** things.

You fell in love with an artist
a poet,
you fell in love with this emotive , overwhelmed
lover
idling and obsessing over acceptance,

you fell in love with a fighter , a philosopher, a day dreamer
a worrier
a warrior
always pressed hard against her fears
and picking at them,

you fell in love with a creator,
a sculptor who touched you
like she wanted to make you into forever,

you fell in love with the clutter queen,
collecting things that made her feel like a smile,
and losing them just as quickly
she only has time and space
to love what matters
you fell in love with a universe.

you fell in love with a matrix of scars tracing back over her top lip to lower back to finger tips,
all the way across a childhood, adolescence ,
abandonment and broken glass,broken marriage, broken hands
traced along a tragic, beautiful, powerful existence.

you fell in love with courage, with raw honesty and grace. You fell in love with wide
open eyes, and hungry ears.
a great and terrible curiosity.

you fell in love with the mediator, the meditating the engaging tuned in
empathy reader.
sweet man
we fell in love with so many things
when we fell in love
with me.
I see you
seeing me
and it helps me see myself.


I love you
I love me.

The last four years .
They carved open my chest
There momentum creating a great expanse
Where I use to find
Myself.
I lost her.
they
left me to
Delve deeper into every
Miniscule bit of my identity,
Alone ,
My nature
Rest somewhere
Between my two fists
And genetics
Heretics , hypocrites, and empty space.
The last four years
Changed my concept of the word
Mother,
Of the word daughter,
Of Twin and Sister,
Of love and
Grand mother
Changed bridges from a way to affection
To the source of affliction
I woke to find
Connection had turned to
Weakness in my defenses
  In the last four years.
I discovered
Loneliness to degrees I had never imagined
Anxiety  heartache
confusion  at there  fullest capacity
I have never so genuinely questioned my sanity
Or had so many people telling me I was worthless
But I discovered the depths of my tenacity and
That sometimes anger is a necessity  
To process loss.
That  sometimes
You need a sharper edge to cut
At deeper ties…

In the last four years I learned
That under certain circumstances you
Need to cry.
That all things become clearer with time
and even when your
Faith to pray dies
You can have faith in the wait
Knowing everything
Will change.

In the last four years I learned
What it’s worth to be happy with your self
I discovered
That the only thing they can’t take
Is how you respond
And being trapped is an illusion
Created out of the sacrifices
you weren’t quite ready to make.
That taking the time you need only means
you love yourself enough to care
More than they did.
And  that even when you can’t pretend
they didn’t say the things they said,
Even when you can’t comprehend
The origin of such sharp words
You can work towards
Proving them wrong,
By getting up and moving on.
Welcoming genuine affections
As a cure for the infection you
Get in open wounds
You can affirm what you already
Knew
all along
And
After four years
You can look in the mirror
And know you are strong
Resilient, a thousand times patent
A hundred times brilliant.
And a million times brave..
And you can tack that up
On the list of things
They Can
Never
take
away

I remember being proud of every granule of dirt
Raw beaten earth,
I built my temple out of.
Every water molecule in my crimson blood
Carefully selected to carry an essence
That I protected,
with the support of glass bones
Wrapped in healing wounds,
Putting everything I have into
Forgetting how to flinch
Regardless of the brutality life
Tries to dress me in,
Or smother me with .
Work through psychological damages
Practice away my
st stu stutter,
putting away broken syllables un uttered.
I will rise, you can not keep me tonight
I hunger
to fight,
Walk right up to the dark like
I never new the way it turns you into nothing
If you think im crazy,
Maybe your right
but im reminding you of something,
something that you tell yourself can't exist
something you let go of , something that you miss.
A sort of  irrationality that's still making perfect sense,
plays in your morality defies your common sense.
This is the only chance I have at persisting to laugh
And
I
Will
persist.
The only  way for me to stay bright
The only way to keep light in my
dimming eyes
Is to shine and let them see .
Something about existing, and persisting
In vulnerability is more than frightening
It is freeing.
I AM, as surly as
I am being,
I’m lifted, I’ve missed this.
I hope you catch the meaning
The thought of missing it
Leaves me feeling guilty
Like my will was straying,
praying to nothing
For things I had but wasn’t seeing.
I forgot to believe
That I was impossible
and that i'm breathing.

You saw me in yourself.
Only the part you can't command cant quite understand,
the squirmy bit you never quiet .... pinned.
so
just tell me i'm worthless
so you can deny the empty space in your chest,
where missing me used to reside.
You think i'm to ashamed to say a thing,
but i think you really know
im just afraid to be your echo
be your echo
be your echo.
You grow louder,
you step closer while i blink against your breath.
Tears fall
letting all the words you quip whip against me,
slip under my skin and send
my head swimming ,
giving away every feeling..
I always give away what i'm feeling
letting you know every nerve you hit
while tint bits
of your spittle spray across my face.
I force my feelings burning at you toward myself,
let my gaze drift to dust moats distressed
by your immense bellows,
occupying the distance between our being
while suddenly  seeming
as fragile as me .
each syllable in your enunciation
violently shaking,
the tiny particles making
the atoms in my being
vibrate.In time with your percussion
aimed at conquering my space
dominating the way i think
my name.
never hesitation toward making your exterior imply im inferior.

you fight in sharp words.
believe me when I say I have always heard you

-----------silence-----------------
my silence always fallows the words you hurl around like blunt objects.
Does my silence startle you?
Is my vulnerability upsetting ?
or is it the vast distance i place between us to protect my well being?
You always told me by action intimidation is how you conquer space to grow,
while everyone else would have me know
its my obligation to shrink out of existence.
so i let my persistence gather just beneath my surface
so i will remember i'm not worth more
and sure as hell not worth-less
I will expend every breath i take
on taking as much space as person of my mass requires,
remembering to allot room for my beautiful mind,
all the bit of me you encouraged I leave behind,
consider the gravitational force of like energy.
listen to me,
..................................................
why is it you are afraid of my lack of statement?
especially when i refuse to aim it..
like a weapon.
...
just listen..
to the silence...
because it can provide so much more than i can string into statements,
it will give you answers when you let it.
self reflection frees me,
maybe that's why i'm not scared so easily
over silly phrases like "i'm sorry."
and all i keep on thinking is
you have to answer to yourself
someday when theirs no one else to listen....
i can't demand a thing from you when
you still cling to static thinking if you
keep your heart racing
words following
you wont get trapped thinking over the words you were just throwing
knowing you set out to hurt me,
to hurt my feelings
to afraid of yourself to manage
your own silence,
so you just keep screaming.
while i don't say a word,
just keep thinking
i wish you would do the same.
Because i tried
to tell you everything .
and now all i have to give you .....
is silence....
and you still don't hear..
anything.

Skipping pebbles and watching the ripple
Reach out until it fades , or its fingers grasp
At the sand on the edge of the bank.
A sad gesture I think,
It seems Just like me,
Always leaping and reaching
And feeling it fall between your fingers
Drop like shaking knees
Like sand on the bank
Takes some patient observations
To find reason to thank
Salty tears pool like the ones that linger
On my porcelain cheek,
Feeling mild and momentarily
Enveloped in the telling tropical storm
The whirling wind whistling through the hole in my chest
Reminding me I’m torn
The pain of each beat just like the next
Breaking wake against sand
A rip tide against my
Washed out pride
Warm water against my skin
If you would touch my tears
I think you’d understand
The sorts of feelings
I’m wading in.

In astrology I learned
We are all born of stardust
They die, combust and that carbon
Is the same carbon in us.
Everything belongs to everything
I think as
My fingers lightly trace
An Ink star siting
On your dark skin.
I want to fall into you
I bet you could pull me in
And set me on fire and
Bring me to life again,
Perhaps in your laugh I will find
The origin of life,
Or perhaps some sense
of purpose for mine.
My thoughts trace your star,
I catch the light in your eyes
When I’m surrounded by you
It seems perfectly right
That I be lifted set on fire
Under cover of night
So ******* high
Because we were born
Of stars
And I am so much bolder ,
So much brighter,
So much calmer
when your lights close to mine.
You turn and the star on your shoulder
Escapes under mundane every day
Fabric, not of time and space,
Of cotton
And your just the person I’m wanting
You see me noticing you
And all I can think to do
Is reach out and touch it.

He said he wanted to catch my tears.
I fear I’ve been lied to.
Wouldn’t be the first time,
His string of words didn’t line up.
He’s never been one for giving up,
Lots of boys talk to him and he
Makes jokes,
He can’t keep his head straight
But he thinks he’s straight where it counts.
I think he likes to circle around the truth
With loud distractions
And things I want to hear.
I fear I’ve been lied to.
Wouldn’t be the first time,
His string of words didn’t line up.
He’s got me talking in circles,
Never was one for linear thinking.
So I’m not straight.
Maybe I should give up and start talking to girls.
In high school maybe I should have
Listened to their jokes.
I can talk straight,
But to him it never seemed to count.

I have lived my life a perfect rendition
of toddlers  circling scrawl
always looping back
always colored an emotion
that was
to absolute to be appropriate

just a little to honest
and real
circling

I remember plain as day the sun of your smile
and I replay the color of your changing behind my eyes every night
I have traced over and over the feel
of your running away
of your hiding away
of your lines and color
the exact lay
of the paradigm shift
leaving lots of blank space
for the parts of you I don't know now.

Your sunshine smile died
or got lost in the shift, or in the space
and I miss for things you aren't now.
I miss a person who no longer exists.

I honer her
the little girl you laid to rest
with your decisions
buried under the weight of a whole life.
when you were just colors you bled
over the entire page

perhaps that is why it feels
like you started over.

Take from me
the memory of her fluttering lashes
and the sound of her startled laughter.

take from me the image
of her widening eyes and
pinched lips  both turning a ****
against the welling tears

take from me my memories
of her so brave against
all sorts of pain and
to real of fears.

take from me
take from me
this hole in my chest
you stole her from.
So I may forgive,
so I may finally forget.
So I may finally rest,
she is gone now,
please take what's left...

Tell her I miss the mother that stole me from school
So we could get surprise Ice cream cones
Just me and her.
And tell her I miss her

Tell her I miss the mother that said my name just as much as my sisters
And asked about my day at school
And if I had anything to tell her,
And always claim to be the proudest mother.
Tell her I miss her

Tell her I remember exactly when she stopped being super man
Tell her I got older and I understand mistakes
Tell her I can forgive more than most can
But I’ll never understand
Why she gave up on me.
Why she loves me less,
Why she doesn’t care
About these holes in my chest.
But tell her that I miss her.

Tell her I remember when space was not an option
When she would tell me I could do whatever I wanted and she
Would be there.
That no one loved me as much no one cared like she cared.
And tell her that I miss her.

I'm afraid to think
I am only moments from a time,
where the luster in your eyes and
the tilt on your smile
are confined to the degrading
depreciating nature of my mind.
I want to remember you in
all your brilliance,
in all your defiance
in your broken
ragged resilience
I have spent a life time
fallowing
lost notions
misconceptions at the notion that
morality doesn’t come in color,
you are the brightest quilt,
the most colorful humor,
you are a humid summer,
you lovely woman
my father’s mother.
I will hold you tenderly in
my wilting memories.

That kiss of yours was something,
braver than you have been before,
I'm unsure what’s got me captivated
but that kind of
passion
has an
IMPACT
that sort of thing
l i n  g   e    r      s
it trickles through memories,
runs through grasping fingers
And I will think of it simply because that kiss
felt like it actually
*mattered

Little idiosyncrasies that define you
More than the edge created by the light
Refracting off your dark skin
The give of your full lips against
My porcelain surface set
To tingle at your sultry glances,
The kind you give before pouncing
The stance you take and that
Tiny noise you make when
My rhythms right
Or I've managed to catch your attention
And lure you in'
A million different things
Wrapped around me perfectly wonderful
Absolutely astounding
Like racing heartbeats and your arms around me.
The kinds of memories I’m glad are ours
With all the you things that make me
Glad that I’m yours.

I am not as broken as I think I am,
I'm capable of more than I feel I can.
Escaping the numbness
Just lets in the flood,
So I feel it fresh again.
Just breath slowly…
No one here even knows me.
I am not so abandoned
So abused,
I am not so used
As to be rendered useless.
This is my truth
Its what I murmur to myself,
To the darkness in my room,
Into the comforting embrace
Of my tear soaked quilt.
I will not be undone,
I will not be made to wilt.
when I have only just begun.  
tomorrow will be brighter,
I will always persevere,'
I've always been the fighter.

I wonder how that soft glow
You ware like mouth watering
Cologne and fresh baked cookies
Still permeates the are around you
I miss you I wish I could have you.
Wish I could tie you up and
Capture it, just a tiny bit
To keep me warm on nights
Your to far away to feel.
I wish I could let my words
Turn soft on my lips so
You would know there real.

I remember now how simply easy it is to fall
From a person from yourself
How hard it is to fall
From the top shelf
How lonely you find existence when persistence fails and
Falls to the chaos of inconsistency
Like shark to a baby seal
He called me baby a million times
Pushed passed my skin and made me feel
He told me maybe I was right
And that lies are candy
A man to handy with empty syllables
Thrifty and crafty tricky and snappy
With the perfect words
To make you transcends into a dream
I loved him and all his potential
How devastating to find myself wading through
All those I love you’s and
My day dreams all concave and
Receding, all the empty places where he left me needing
Something substantial
Realizing he was just a nightmare
With a pleasant beginning.
No man just monster screaming
On fire with heart torn and beating.
The best thing you ever did for me
Was say that you were leaving.

It took three seconds for you to shift my universe to lift me
Like a soft breeze under soft falling leaves closer
To a sun lit sky.
It took three months of try after try time after time,
Chasing anxieties with soft sighs, chasing hot gilt
With forgiving eyes .
It took all of my trust mustered together and all your warmth
And golden patience for me to find my worth,
For me to take this new love and give all of what I had left.
It took
A thousand sweet words to heal the hurt that ached within my chest.
And time , it always took time.
For me to give you the best me I thought I would never be again.
I was new and precious ,
coal under pressure deep beneath ground,
Until you dug me out wash me off and found
I glistened, and when I listened I really listened
I loved to hear you talk.
It took
All my patience to love you,  all my endurance to face mistrust
all my strength to recuperate from all the promises you freely made
just to break .
It took all I could give to satisfy what you’d take
it took my everything to feel adequate when the easy way was your only way,
it took perseverance to hear it and try to deny that voice in the back of my mind
And **** it to tell myself that I was worth more than  A friend you had *** with.
It took you to pull me up remember you’d call me your angel?
Well I had to grow wings to move on , the grounds to unstable.
It took you cutting me lose to face the sky willing and able.
It took realizing you were so weak, infantile, and feeble
To believe in the core of me I’m smart strong, capable.

You are the trembling in my lower stomach
Teeth clinched against my bottom lip
The reason for my slipping focus
The feeling of my heart
Beating so **** hard
Beneath my bouncing *******,
The remembering of how your
Strong arms held me to  
Your perfect, tan, chest
How you lift me up,
You fill me up,
You make me my very best
Bathe me in your needing,
In your wanting
Knowing you want this
How you
Sigh, sinking in and I
Can’t help but think you
Take away my trembling breath
And light me on fire
The next day I breathe a confidence
Lost in my inner goddess
Born from the ashes of our desire.

If I let you run along me, like two raindrops
Crossing paths on the condensation
On the icy pains,
Would you drop to earth
Like march rains
Would I only want for sunlight
To dry you
From my face.
Would you grow inside me
And fill this empty space
Or would we simply become one?
Or in the act of our colliding would I
Just come undone?

I have people who understand me.
sometimes,
I have red sunlight bringing me up and breaking through clouds
some days,
I have my own sun rays to chase
and i'm proud in most ways
of who I have become
and I've done things,
I've said things that could have left unsung
un-flung clean from dirt and
Dry hung instead of smeared in raw pain hurt,
With my tear soaked words.
Sometimes familiar voices soft as angle feathers seek me out.
But sometimes ...
well sometimes is not as good as right now,
when right now all that I am.....
is alone.

Its crazy reflecting on all my misguided thoughts of you,
I was all wrong about you,
Now baring my deepest insecurities,
And most brazen actions you only
Hold me up and **** the lonely,
Again and again you give me hope
In humanity and my sanity
In profanities hidden powers and
Boys duality in this sick twisted existence.
Your persistence astounds me,
How was I so lucky ?
You don’t even know you’re gorgeous
And sweet and the strongest,
Modest
Most honest individual
I have encountered in eons.
The list rolls forever on
I want to be like this forever, so never stay away.
I just wanted to say thank you,
For not judging me today, when
Judgment was easy.
And thank you for taking the time
To stop and really see me.

shame is the great silencer,
you took the words right out of my mouth,
for years
you left me avoiding my own thoughts
chasing circles after myself
you told me
in a million ways

That no one would ever love me,

that being around me was a chore
I should not have bothered you with.

now from a safe distance
looking back looks like ink on paper
a pen is my looking glass
the only thing to turn old scars into
something with more direction
the raised texture on my broken heart and porcelain skin
a map I can't lose
showing where I'm going, where I've been.
reminding me what you put me through,

That i'm not worthless
because you want me less
you don't dictate
how I love myself
you cannot scream a smile off my face
even when I don't know how to respond
to sharp phrases

If I'm leaving
you cannot tell me i'm a disappointment
from such a distance
although your persistence is astounding
and your anger awesome
My endurance is an equal to my ability
to walk away
and  sometimes you
don't have to say a single word
to make a statement.
I never had to cut you
I just let your words cut our ties
and distance
lend me perspective


And just because I do not yell doesn't mean
That I am quiet.
I' am not ashamed anymore
And you can not keep me silent

I want to stay here forever
Lost in the comfort of your embrace
Face to face with something settled
And exposed,
Like the raw rock face of the Grand Canyon
I could wait an eon and never feel
This way again,
My thoughts tracing
Your dark skin,
Chin and cheek pressed
Against the rise and fall of your chest
Some strange new comfort
Found in your gentleness,
In our silence
I feel like I have encountered an old friend
Who has been gone so long
I’m unsure of how to begin.

It’s a deep blue, with ties and lace,
Silky smooth, it reminds me of a reflection of the moon.
It looks like anticipation,
It tastes like wanting and yearning,
It looks like the water that starts the fire.
That starts your desires burning,
Clothing marked by lust and worn in trust.
I wish  I could see your face when I slipped into it,
Or when I slipped out of it,
If I could get you alone,
would you moan?
And then my heart stops and the tears flow
And I remember..
that its just sitting a crumpled mess on my floor
Sitting a reflection of my own cold distance,
His cold indifrance
And I am here I’m alone
And not for lack of wanting
someone here to show.

I am a thousand words colliding
Entangled in there transcendent meaning
Lost in the tremendousness of symbolism
Creating a breathing being
With a heart beat
Within the cataclysm
On the far side of the gray scale
We are taking great complexity and placing
All of existence into a word.

I must say I am not lost in the irony
That I am
And you are
And that fate paired us together.
You have found God,
Whether your silence expresses my words
Has yet to be deciphered
Whether your transparency is providing
A plain view to the same landscape
As my transparency is foggy
Its your breathing condensing on
The thoughts racing through my mind.
Your darkness brings about my own reflection
I have only a single confession
I don’t know what a single syllable means,
I don’t know anything exactly
But I am prepared to meet myself,
If you can show me.
But I am tidbits of mashed letters
Transcending physical body
And I’m afraid your going to have
To get down to my level and
Actually say
Something.

No.
You will not say you know me.
too much time has passed.
too much transpired.

You were gone when I fell head full
into the abyss,
crash landed
years later where I crawled out from beneath
thoughts heavy enough
to **** myself with.
to heavy to lift
sharp enough
to cut away and **** the parts of me that
where

beyond salvation
.
parts of me to heavy to stand with.

I love you,
I loved you .
Whispered like a lullaby,
draped over wounded thoughts;
screaming wrongness in me.
Echoing goodbyes in me.

The ache of knowing sacrifices must be made,
Ruined by the corrosion
of your unyielding misconceptions
and unreachable expectations.
Numbly I sat cutting away at the bits
of myself we had been beating and breaking down
for years.

red and raw
blue and empty
with trembling fingers
clawing
at all that sat wrong in my reflection,
parts
I thought I needed
but ruined would never stand me up right again
never hold up my chin.

Horrified;
at being so full
of so much nothing.
that I was to tight
to even catch my breath.
Seams bulging
from fingertip to
the ribs in my chest

Every moment agonizing.
Every second impossible.
Over and over
I died.

And still I would  wake ,

cruel  irony

by the thousandth time
I woke weary and cold
I looked upon the carnage
all of me disassembled at my feet,
a fear trembling deep in me ,
a courage to rebuild growing in my bones.
only picking up every bit of persistence I turned to go.

so no you do not know me
you were not there when I escaped from my own dark
to fill myself with slivers silver shifting , bits of an indifferent moon;
you were not there to journey my emptiness to traverse the abyss.
You were not there when I began to fill it.
In your absence I have grown
and still,

I do not know how you will fit here.

I look at myself in the mirror.
Naked as I have ever been,
Skin exposed to yellow light
And exhausted dreams buried
Under the purple skin beneath my eyes.
I stand there flesh on bones,
Light porcelain skin lightly
Kissed tan by the suns golden rays,
My hair a mess and my head in a haze.
I am alien,
I hate myself, I could scream it,
I mean it enough.
My skins soft, but inside I’m broken,
I’m rough.
I hate
The way my skin layers over
The hole in my chest, the delicate
Curve and bounce of my breast,
I think maybe once I was beautiful.
Inside I am in ruin, what I was
Has crumbled to dust, and my fluid curves
Just don’t look like much
When I see my reflection
as a dead shallow husk.
I find I hate the things I loved
When I can see them this way.
All of the things I loved about me,
Are nothing, are broken , fake,
I am so much uglier under
The relentless light Of my mistakes.

Peeling away layers like
They were made of soft cotton
And had buttons ,
You surprise me,
Shows in my sighs I think
Your kiss firm against my inner thigh,
Tongue pressed against my willingness
Expressed in every moment we have alone
Out of eagerness
In the nervous shaking of my fingertips
While I reach for something
Beyond your chest ,
Fallow the rise and fall
And concentrate on how your arms hold me
To the center of everything
While I free fall, eyes closed heart stalled into
This lack of control,
No you wont let me lose myself
And suddenly
I realize the crashing
In my head is just
Walls crumbling to dust,
You are resurrecting
The remains of my broken trust
Brazenly causing the destruction of
My inhibitions with every little
Kiss across my middle,
Along my leg and between my hips
it seems you cause
this
Undue influence
Every time you part your lips.

how could you cut ties?
with your sister?
eyes pointed in my direction
inspection disected and
your indignation hanging
alouf in air space between
hasty sideways glances
from those who pass us

Because the idea of who we were outlast us and
i want to have a chance to grasp at things before they pass us
last i checked
words so weighty and sharp had
cut the glass jar around my heart
and spilled the **** thing

because life is not black and white
and the fact that our blood runs red
doesn't mean as much
as you seem to think it did.
I chose what was right for my life,
i didn't think near strangers
got a say.
I have customers to help ,
this is my  work  place
so you have a good day.

How do you describe it? The feeling you get deep down inside yourself when your looking down at her? When you hold her frail hand in yours and grasp it as if you could lend some stability to her fragile mortality. When you see her and see everything that escapes those around you.
You see yourself in her, in her dimming eyes because when she is gone she takes a part of you with her. You feel responsible for the wrinkles around that shade of somber blue because you know the exact way she squints a little when she’s laughing; when she smiles. You know the way she gathers her anxious feelings in the crease between her brows. You see all your childhood, all your life and love and existence mapped out on her aged skin like a map to the parts of yourself you could never quite find, never quite understand. You see the scar on the tip of her index finger where she prodded herself on the tip of a seam ripper while mending your torn heart. You are perceptive to the way she has shrunk under the weight of all of her disappointments and hopelessness’ in equal parts with your own and you wonder how, in the perfect silence interrupted only by her shallow breaths, you will ever see anything else. You begin to wonder how you will ever find yourself. And you shudder when her stare focuses in and out like her consciousness, like her memories giving you glimpses of the things being torn from you. Like a phantom limb a place in your chest aches where things once were only to discover empty space a lack of movement when you try to use it. I see anger at her life, at her death, I see loneliness and hopelessness, I see laughter and tears, confusion and purposelessness, I see abandonment and acceptance, I see vulgarity and patience,
I blink
And see only the greatest of absence I have ever known,
And I remain where I am with my eyes clinched closed
Afraid  only to see what I can’t.

I’m finding great depths just beyond guarded eyes, painted in soft sighs and great pains residing just beneath your silly grin. I find all these old scars pinned down on the underside of your soft skin, I find so much of myself in you. In your pain you so urgently hide away but so desperately want the chance to express. You undress under the very same insecurities as I, you look at me wanting the same safe place we are both unsure even exists. You miss the things that felt whole in your chest, you live in your own honesty and self-sacrifice, in your own realism dyeing to be needy instead of needed if only in moderation the temptation to finally give to the pressure of harsh realities and lay instead of lift it. To fall apart within the confines of safe arms to hold you together, keep you warm and make the world stop while you lose your breath. I see you like you see me,  in tiny fragments of a mirror, I’ll make my perspective clearer, strip away my light skin and my slight frame in so many ways I can’t explain I look at you and see myself as very much the same.

***** makes me say the things
I would say if I were brave
***** makes me admit to things
I thought I’d never say
It makes me miss you, makes me frisky
Makes me unafraid so
If I could do anything it would be
Take shots with you
Let things lay and sort them out
With a string of drunken truths
Stay unafraid unlike the every day
And just lie down with you

Waiting, like molecules slowed in crisp heavy air,
Like earths rotation has been compromised.
The clock has all but stopped its ticking,
Anticipation alive and writhing, sticking
To the moment before it, sighing
Licks its wicked lips, it’s smiling.
I swear its trying to **** me,
waiting for water to rush
Over and replenish this parched earth
Is like waiting for a cure
The day after death has
Rendered me stiff and ridged.
Riga mortise over and done with.
I wonder how many times
That I can die before
You will warm me with your kiss.
I miss you

I realized today pulling together damp ashes in fistfuls
While attempting to make something destroyed beautiful again
That your the same wicked little kid
Who destroyed every one of my sand castles .
I have wept 1,825  days for you.
My patience and efforts never crystallizing into anything more than dried scabs, nothing like the diamond I was always promised  .
Sometimes I miss the sparkle shimmering in the ocean of your eyes.
I have missed them 43800 hours In approximation ... If numbers could even begin to encompass the depths of the hurt you have afflicted me with.. If numbers could even kiss the surface of this ever expanding sense of abandonment and worthlessness you have inspired within the shallow place within my chest . 2628000 Moments I have repressed a little voice inside my head that spoke in your hushed tones in the only voice I have ever known better then my own, dear sister.  Now I just need your voice to stop echoing like shattered glass in every heartbeat; I just need to retreat and muster the will to retrieve the blade you left lodged between my vertebra so I can finally stand up straight and walk , swiftly in whichever way provides me distance from you. I only pray the blade sustains it's edge to sever this emotional dissonance. I have done the math 10,000 times there  are no reasons left to keep trying. There are no variables that provide a desirable outcome there is no way to even this score.

Did you lose your sense of belonging? Is it the way you know you don’t fit in, remarks on your skin, your partner, your friends? Is it that you could never get one; a general rejection from society always whispering your wrong? Perhaps its that not even the people everyone has told you should care most don’t at all. Perhaps you feel the ones that should care for you most lash out most of all and pull you down and push you against cement walls. Is it the feelings of building frustration that eats at you? Is it that you are stagnating in an unfortunate place or is it the terror you feel when you remember that you are trapped here with no way out except to wait. Is it that sense that you are completely and terrifyingly inadequate in the life you are in, in this situation you are surrounded by? Tell me right now what the hardest part for you is. Is it the sense of purpose that has died inside you like the delicate dreams you held protectively in fumbling hands or dose your desperation dance with all the things people can’t understand? Is it spinning and whirling and dipping with your sense of what is human with your sense of humanity? Do you shutter at their loss of compassion or the loss of your own? Do you think angrily of how they hate you or do you shudder in regret at the way you gave up on yourself? Tell me if you are angry for their wanting you to change or at your reflection for knowing that you can’t. Are you upset that you are aside from them or because in a moment of disgust you realize they are exactly the same as you? Are you mad that you alone are solely responsible for your sense of happiness while all along knowing it is all dependent on a wondering chance, some element you will need to accomplish it and allowing yourself to experience it while it’s there. Tell me I want to know, what’s the hardest part for you? Is it the pain, the terror, the dread, the numbness, the ache, the falling, the pressure, the restlessness, the emptiness, the cold indifference, the chaos, the cohesion, the awakening or your ignorance? Tell me what’s the hardest part for you?

What was it worth?
You are just a million pieces that never settle.
A good bye and a get well
A hush hush whispering a don’t tell
Squelched by the fact that
You were far from well
Far from health
living in
The bits of hell you swallowed yourself
Straight from the warm can
Clung to like a man lost at sea
Clings to a fist full of dry sand.
Breaking like a full gale
Against a torn sail
Crumbling drunkenly
to your weak  knees
Muttering obscenities
And listing your brokenness
Only stopping to
Wipe the wanderlust
From your hazed vision.
What hope did I have?
What love did we live in?
Tell me was it fate that stole you
Did they take away the bird in your chest
Or was it you?  
That held hope hostage
Shackled the bird to her nest let me
Be the first to tell you
You let me down
Let me be the first to notice
That you were worth
More when you were still around.

If I were braver I would tell you what I think I know
I would tell you I love you and that
You light up my soul

I Would tell you that it’s true
Even though I know it doesn’t
Make things easy
And the trembling in my scar tissue
Makes me sort of quesy,
Even if you can’t say the same three words to me
And I want it
Or worse yet I’m haunted
That you will…
And I’ll fall to the hallow sound
When your unsure,
I would rather squirm in the silence
Then fall to the pretense
Of a love unreturned.
I think I have learned that love comes in different flavors
And you are all your own.
I love you different than any person
I have ever known.
I’m unsure of how long
This life will let me hold you in my arms
Or if your wit and your charm will be enough
To get us by
But it is no lie when I say
I love you.

I wish I could fall open
Like the petals of a rose
And rise up and gush
like a finger pricked
like crimson blood,
You told me with your patience
That I was pretty and we would
Never hate them.
I lied when I told you
I was angry.
I am terrified to be so filled with sorrow
To be drowning day in and out
To fill tomorrow with remembering
With forgetting,
Without mentioning that I love you
And you are gone
And all that’s left are butterflies
And a bunch of songs with fresh meaning
A million tears and
a sense of defeat, raining
Like a giant typhoon
Of not knowing what the **** to do
Without you.