you want to know the way to get wrapped between these fingers
want me
to lean into you
arching my back
thinking only
to be closer to your breath
lean against your lips
kiss the way you sway in your step
think between your stunning laugh
trying to breath around the way you look at me
at things
at everything
rest up along the way your tongue traces
lace words places
making every thing between us an obstacle
I want your heat
I need your need,
I want the way your eyes gleam
when you're laughing at me
I love the way you resonate
the way you illuminate,
Your gravitational force, so enticing
your presence so enthralling
the vastness of your perspective so
expansive and sprawling
rough and luling
cyclical
you are all encompassing.

crushed fragments that shimmer under the fleeting light of day.
each jagged edge framing bits of the same neglected face,
quivering lines refracting  emanating
my brokenness my quaking lips,
the sound that breaks
deep in my chest.
broken mirrors and broken glass

tattered shreds of present
paved by pains of past.
empty beds deep at night
fleeing dreams taking flight

angry angry scared and lost,
feeling used neglected cross,
taking pictures to the flame
wondering how they think my name,

knowing I am not the same
knowing that I never will
watching as you smash the glass
watching as she breaks the mirror
thinking of my brokenness
i'll break it all to make it still.

praying praying every day
waking up still the same
try and try as I might
to hear a voice to find a light

empty echoes in my chest to
care at all is never best.
keep it locked up deep inside
the parts of you you try to hide
the parts that care will tare away

no never listen to words they say
promise promise pinkie swear
i'll never leave i'll always care
crossing fingers in his pocket
he leaves behind one heart shaped locket.

tears tears go away
i'm all cried out
i know the way
no one here is here to stay.
nobody here will think your name
not even once for many days

simply said i'm not enough
I am to weak and lacking luck
to naive at five
at seven at seventeen
to believe in hope until hope dies
until then you'll believe the lies..

I wish I could capture that sound you made in the back of your throat
whenever you would roll your eyes.
I cry sometimes
when I realize I can't quite comprehend
the rhythm that your laughter held.
I died
the first night I remember you are gone while in my dream
And I suddenly woke
weeping while
thinking I was so thankful to see your face
however fleeting.
thankful and greedy over your words I keep playing in my head,
things you said as easy and true as the air you breathed and held
when I could still reach you.
I still bleed poetry,
I still swim in A good fantasy novel,
I still find you in bits of my reflection,
And loving you was the first step I took
toward loving me.
I find you in the delicate creases of my dog eared
pages your existence persist
further than the reaches of your physical form,
I find you in my patience,
my resilience.
I find you lurking in my essence
when I'm lonely and go searching for you
sometimes
I lay in bed and listen until I can hear you again.
And alone I fall
while knowing all along
remembering you
is worth this.

Remember all the years you were dieing for the moments
to swoop in
and save the day like one big
beautiful cliche
in a big suit of armor
atop a gallant steed,
usually camouflaged as your little brown pick up.

nothing big enough to get in your way,
no distance carved out in black highway
you wouldn't conquer to make me smile.
Because when I smiled you were happy
Because when I cried you were broken and
you loved me to much
to leave me lonely sad and so
wide open.

Sometimes I admit I miss the glow and haze
even the taste
of our first kiss,
that new high that pure bliss
when we finally made sense of our fondness
of our bond
and we made promises.

And even still ,
you make me brave enough
to believe in them.
And that may be sweeter even
than that first lovely kiss.

charcoal smudges and
indistinct hazes of darkness
phrases laced in harshness harnessed
and armed with my conviction
addiction to truth even
when sharp enough to harm you
disarm you
dis-arm
dismember
sever limb
from limb
tongue from clever whim
from quipped retort
designed to thwart
off the largest offender
up wind down wind
I don't remember really the direction
from whence one came nor
name nor much anything
other than

charcoal smudges and
indistinct hazes of darkness
phrases laced in harshness harnessed
and armed with my conviction
addiction to truth even
when sharp enough to harm you
disarm you
dis-arm
dismember
sever limb
from limb
the smother hot tension seething
wriggling writhing ringing in my head
sirens throwing up red flags
at catch phrases
stated like razor blades
repeated like mantras
she said she said
he said they them,
my head
they said I was lonely
they said I was weak i think i thought
I believed
they loved me
someone told me
I wasn't worth a cent or sense
or that I had no sense
or that I was nonsense
all of it I think I thought all of it
I tense, became tense I tensed
over overwhelming disapproval
even at a distance
for my depreciating assets
the expense of my existence
my penance for loving myself
when it so inconvenienced
those I was living around
was letting myself
think I was worthless
forgetting
how to count
senseless
centless
arbitrary
I have digressed

I guess this is all jumbled concept
an attempt to recreate the conception
of my desecration
of the crumbling of my foundation
of the ashes left
when they, when she,when all of them
broke inside my head
to watch the walls burn
from the inside out
ashes
and charcoal smudges with
indistinct hazes of darkness
phrases laced in harshness harnessed
and armed with my conviction
addiction to truth even
when sharp enough to harm you
disarm you
dis-arm
dismember
sever limb from limb
sin from sin
self
from worth
you hurt me
they hurt me
I hurt myself
because I believed you
were telling me the truth.
I became dark

charcoal smudges and
indistinct hazes of darkness
phrases laced in harshness harnessed
and armed with my conviction
addiction to truth even
when sharp enough to harm you
disarm you
dis-arm
dismember
sever limb
from limb
kin from
kin
i'm gone now.
think of me as charcoal.

You said I was so sad because I didn't love myself,
that if I weren't so
pathetically
unthinkably,
unconsolably,
sad
I would find myself with a friend or two.
I think you believed it
I think you thought it over and over in your head..
blaming
angry
accusatory
repetitively
carving out space for it behind your eyes
so you would never wonder
If my despair was not self inflicted…...
that perhaps I was crying because I loved myself
as I loved you,
and her
and all of them,’
and I thought I knew you
and her
and all of them
as well as I knew myself
And then she changed,
you changed like all of them
and when the curtain fell I was

pathetically
unthinkably,
unconsolably,
hurt , alone,
and still in love with myself
and wondering why I was not good enough for anyone anymore.
good enough to be in their presence
to be in their hearts;
to be carved behind their eyes.
I cry because after all that you
pathetically,
unthinkably,
unforgivably,
blamed me.
Angrily
assaulted and
accused me of existing
as less than
And reminded me
daily
I was alone.

Maybe I’m not sad because I don’t know myself.
I am sad because you don’t
I am not sad because I don’t know who I am.
I am sad because for you it was not enough.
I am not sad because I am lost,
I am sad because I no longer have a place to call home.
the only time I am disappointed in myself
Is when I allow myself to admit
That I miss you.