The way you smile says enough
and it has taken me this long to see
that I am not afraid of what I am…
Of what I have been
I’m afraid of what I’m being.
My greatest fear is that you will see me
Exactly as I see me.
That after all this you will finally discover the origin of my brokenness
And wonder if I will ever be fixed
Wonder if I’m worth this or worthless,
I need to except I will never be the same
Your kiss makes me wish I could stay
And see the way you see me.
I want to wake up some day and recognize
The girl reflecting in your eyes
And know undoubtedly
That breathless, beautiful, living, breathing
Girl there is me.

In a world crying out for sameness...
for diversity it’s hard to understand,
why you chose me
why you never chose me
why you left me
why you kept me.
How in the beginning
I was absolutely everything,
and how when I woke
I was nothing.

Did you lose your sense of belonging? Is it the way you know you don’t fit in, remarks on your skin, your partner, your friends? Is it that you could never get one; a general rejection from society always whispering your wrong? Perhaps its that not even the people everyone has told you should care most don’t at all. Perhaps you feel the ones that should care for you most lash out most of all and pull you down and push you against cement walls. Is it the feelings of building frustration that eats at you? Is it that you are stagnating in an unfortunate place or is it the terror you feel when you remember that you are trapped here with no way out except to wait. Is it that sense that you are completely and terrifyingly inadequate in the life you are in, in this situation you are surrounded by? Tell me right now what the hardest part for you is. Is it the sense of purpose that has died inside you like the delicate dreams you held protectively in fumbling hands or dose your desperation dance with all the things people can’t understand? Is it spinning and whirling and dipping with your sense of what is human with your sense of humanity? Do you shutter at their loss of compassion or the loss of your own? Do you think angrily of how they hate you or do you shudder in regret at the way you gave up on yourself? Tell me if you are angry for their wanting you to change or at your reflection for knowing that you can’t. Are you upset that you are aside from them or because in a moment of disgust you realize they are exactly the same as you? Are you mad that you alone are solely responsible for your sense of happiness while all along knowing it is all dependent on a wondering chance, some element you will need to accomplish it and allowing yourself to experience it while it’s there. Tell me I want to know, what’s the hardest part for you? Is it the pain, the terror, the dread, the numbness, the ache, the falling, the pressure, the restlessness, the emptiness, the cold indifference, the chaos, the cohesion, the awakening or your ignorance? Tell me what’s the hardest part for you?

Brown little can resting on restless wheels
Waiting to carry me away,
Paint peeled  like every bit
Of my sense of security
I’m in fear of everything,
Of leaving my dreams and sense of identity
Of all the screams that play in
My day dreams,
In echoes off the vacant caverns in my chest
Little fists clenched and weary
Longingly staring at pavements passing
Wishing to wake, to cry to break
The silence with this tremendous
Confusion,
Refusing to let blond feathered hair out of my sight,
Like he might just disappear
Drop into distance like everything else
I have ever known, that’s ever grown inside of me,
I will hide him,
In fake smiles, in hand holding,
I will hide him from fathers breaking cry’s
The first tears spilt over old scars
From his crippled heart.
I will tell him I love him so much
There will be no room for my wounds
He will have no space for the vast expanse of
Pain of mistrust and the awful nothingness.
Everything is gone, the world is the inside
Of this car hurdling through space with no destination,
I am holding the weight of the world on
My frail little shoulders and I hold it.
I only break under the weight of his sad eyes
glacial blue gray where my hope drowned
and my childhood dies. There is no safe part in me.
I’m sorry
I’m so sorry…

I feel like you just dropped me
And I was so afraid
Of the winds friction against me
Of my stomach flipping
Of the things behind me
That my eyes were misting,
Afraid to hurt as I hurdled
As all my weight
Gave gravity leverage over me.
I know what its like to gather
Fractured pieces of your essence
To have your dreams pool at your feet
While you bleed abandonment.
I want to find you I seek
Your face and that sense
Of naivety
Your safety always gave me.
You provided stability to hope,
You fueled my dreams,
You made me believe
I was worth something.
Your eyes will be the last I see
On impact
Your laugh will echo in
All my bad dreams to come undone to.
I’m done playing this game with you.
And it hurts to smash face first
Onto frozen dirt.
But I’m a lot harder now
My hallow chest falls slower
This person I have become
You’ll never really know her.
She doesn’t fracture at the thought
Of your next abandonment
She doesn't hurt anymore
As a means of self punishment.
I promise, here watch me step off the edge
It’s not enough to want me.
Part of me is still dead or dying
Over all those things you said.  
My heart bleeds and my head
Swirls with all these lessons you have taught me.

Your smile is so warm and
Your hand feels so familiar in mine
I find I’m perpetually falling
When graced with your presence
I can never be safe when I want this
When I want things that don’t exist.
I feel so sorry
I can’t pretend like you do
I wish it was real
But the impact and inevitable devastation
Is not worth your immediate satisfaction,
My hesitation is my claim to my best decision
No sudden impulse has ruined me
I remain like always
As true to myself as I know how.
I will love me as much as you always should have
And your laugh makes me soft
And your memories bring me back to who I was
Before I broke,
But some words can’t be unspoken
And I don’t want to know how long
It takes, how hard you’ll fake before
We crumble
And I am only ashes.
I’m sorry
I’m so sorry
Your pain haunts me,
But that is not enough.
I’m afraid you will think in all the wrong ways
And never know the greatest gift I ever gave
Is that I don’t love like you do.
And when things change
They never fit quite the same.

Churning like the vast expanse of ocean laid at my feet.
All the distance and space of things,
Breaking like the wake inside of me
Like the ache inside of me,
Screaming..
Wait your drowning again
My head spins and my lungs
Burn at every want of breath
At every needing, at my neediness
At surviving day after day
Painfully aware of my slow sinking
Pretending I don’t care, about happiness
At my relentless pleas and prying
Into the gray spot of morality inside of me
Thinking an echo over and over
That I don’t miss my sense of belonging
Longing…
And yearning with every water molecule
In my physical body that you would reach out
Or say you want me.
That I could escape this rip tide and
Hide in dry sand, or your hands
Could pull me up and save me,
Lately the waters colder
And I’m older I’m harder, I’m patient,
Impatient…
I’m tougher , I’m jaded. I hate it
I hate me, I hate this
water rushes as I hit my knees..
Today I can't save me
Adrenalin spikes, heart's pounding
today's the day
today… I’m drowning.