she was broken
like sunlight french-kissing water,
refracting and reflecting
into dozens of colors
shades of blue and red and yellow
not everyone could see
or appreciate

without light,
a diamond is just another rock

i never drop my bread crumbs
when i sink this far below the skin
how can hell be humid
when naked of its kin?
i'm pawing for the walls
and grasping barely air
never bracing for the fall
i cannot seem to care

this cornerless void i alone exhale
- whatever i heir -
i resonate in the broken bricks,
this cobweb crypt to where
i drudgingly drag all my demons:
my bones - a cage, a lair

you'd reckon i'd learn
this thousandth time
that the undead
be they buried
never will they die

and never do they leave this crypt
- their home was once called mine -
how could they take residence
in all of my goodbyes?

spider
crawled out from under that
cinder block
thought all was
safe
in the shadows

another shadow came
soon
all was dark

you embrace
be it hands, arms, bodies
you say, "see you soon"
with such faith

you part ways
your relationship pauses
the rest of the world winds

i didn't know i would be
seeing you
for the last time.

you were never mine.
you will never be mine
you will always be yours

maybe one day
I'll be lucky enough
to be "mine"
lying next to you while
you're being "yours"

she was a whirling merry-go-round
  shooting through outer space like an
  intergalactic firework

he was a grey pond where
  no life could be sustained

she floated when she walked like a
  snowflake in a gentle breeze

he called her tinkerbell

she turned all she touched to love
  setting fire to fear and
  sprouting hope through the
    salt-and-pepper piles of ash

he needed her like a
  flower needs a bee

she brought goldfish to his grey pond
  and lily pads
  and cat tails
  and shades of color
    warm and cold
  planting and painting a plentiful
    landscape

he now had this
  entire ecosystem
  inside of him
    living and breathing
    growing

she stole his heart
  to replace it with a
  habitat for love and art

all feels like death
except...
drugs and *** feel like dying

i opened
the protein
shaker, huffed
it like
one huffs
glue, and
hissed, "this
wreaks like
someone took
all the
trash, stuffed
it in
a sauna,
and collected
the condensation
to soak
the shaker
in!" i
think i'll
use it
tomorrow morning.

a celestial calm
entwined with
daylight veins
of
madness
sitting silently
no occupation
but to
wind and wind
my
clockwork motor
madness
just to grin stupidly
as it
waddles
'round the room.

a second light comes crawling
this time through the window,
reminding me I survived
another night wading
through the fiery lakes of hell,
naked as my soul on a cool night with a new love.

everything else is so easy.
it's all relative, isn't it?
and this is my reference point,
my floor.

they give
their blessing
ask if
you're alright
not really
wanting to
know the
answer
because the
answer
might be
just what
they fear
and what
they fear
is that
they don't have the time
to hear
your cries
and not
be sunken
by them
they don't have the time
to lend
their compass
and not
lose their
own way
they don't have the time
to heal
a friend
a lover
a flesh-and-blood
who might
just feel
the same
as them
but
more gray
they have the time
to attend
a funeral

I peeled off her clothes like
the wrapper of a 100 Grand Bar
after a paleo diet
but still with the
tenderness
of critiquing a friend's
favorite song.

They floated to the floor like a
lost slip of paper
you wrote a phone number on

impacting with grace
inaudible over my
7-A.M.-residential-construction hammering heart.

Her figure was statuesque
in its rare elements of beauty,
and she felt right on my tongue
like the first time I tasted authentic
vanilla ice cream.

But she'd prefer gilato
and I'll have whatever she's having
so I hope I'm having nothing.

the prettiest picture i paint
is biting cold, cobalt steel
counting down to
my great relief,
wondering if my teeth
will shatter
before eight pounds of pressure
turns all my thoughts, desires, and memories
into
the prettiest picture i paint.

His head was caving in
  the way an aluminum can does
  when stomped with your heel.

The crunch cackled through his crumbling cranium.

The irony mocked him like
  a self-deprecating comedian
  who was all too sensitive.

He laughed at himself
(and cried inside)
His smile was a shelf
(on which he held his lies)

If he keeps holding
                                    he
                                          will
                                                  break.

Some say
"Math is hard."
I grin
Hiding
Thinking
What I
Would give
To be
Able
To love
The way
Love ought
To be.

It is early in the morning.
The sun is turning the curtains that ugly, ***** hue.

I have not slept well in weeks.
My *** drive is dwindling.
*** walk.

I am beginning to wonder if anyone ever loved me,
running my tongue over a mouth sore.

I must be tired.

I kissed her, my hair in our eyes.
I pulled back, mystified.
She made me feel poetry.
And her skin was poetry,
delicate and savory.
I was so inspired that
I couldn't find the words.
"Seeing that she's nearly a stranger,"
I thought,
"I'll have to show her later."

Her beach sand is sprinkled with fine sea shells.
I'll spend the evenings studying them all.

And I am a boy
who has never seen the ocean -
the vastness in her eyes that I
would love to get lost in.

For some, smoke screens.
Others see their reflections,
brush their finger tips through the rubble,
make friends with the debris.
Calloused palms hold broken glass,
washing cuts with poison.

In ashes their hearts lye.

there's ice on the windshield,
overlapping, mirroring itself in an array like scales.

i scrape and scrape and scrape;
the ice would still remain.

it distorts.
hazards look like brakelights.
"Is something wrong?"
pedestrians resemble road signs.
"To where are you guiding me?"
road markings... nothing.
"Have I gone too far?"

i dare not try to change lanes
for fear of crashing
and bursting into a crowd of yellow and red octopuses that hug like a bloom.

but the warmth wouldn't reach me.
it wouldn't even melt the ice.
if the fire were on the inside,
the ice would still remain,
sealing me inside,
keeping me inside,
keeping me safe,
keeping the world safe...

i can't find my way.

Sometimes when my pencil does scurry
Inside me stirs a worry
Is this mine or not? It is, surely.
Finished is the flurry.

people write poems comparing
smiles to sunsets and rain
and stars and meteor showers

eclipsing entirely that sunsets give way to the charcoal wraith of night
rain riddles the most novel of metals
supernovas sink entire galaxies
and meteors are just meteorites with less ambition

but what about earthquakes
and black holes
and wildfires

rib rattling
song swallowing
too close for comfort

what once warmed us to our core now leaves us in embers

and still we burn for more

Tell me my wounds are beautiful
And that the pain I feel is justified
Prove the pen is not my only friend
Sew me up and sit a while, be my time
The voice in my head won't fill full
We'll cry until we're numb as iced

Solemn, somber,
do you ever wonder?
What dreams we've lost
what was the cost?
We gave up all we had.
to our hearts we played faithful
to our hearts that were frail.
I'm smiling but I'm sunken
seldom slumber, awakened
these nightmares, we will shake them.

This haunting will fade,
this everlasting, forbade
from the grand sleep
a phantom, a shade
Whispering, a wick
burning slowly in the dark

Minutes mumbled
seconds slurred
time was timid and blurred
furlongs faded
miles masqueraded
and light years - what's the word?

Kind'ling, eternal comfort
eloped to my beat.
In hers I found my rhythm.

Can you capture my pain
with your photographic heart?

Can you whisper my name
through a telegraph or card?

The pictures I cut, I kept.
The pocket I thumb, you left.

Your voice is like a train whistle
Coercing me towards delusive home
A siren by the aisle
Whose lulling call is deafening to my ache.

In dreams I hear nothing
In dreams I hear only your name.

Won't you bide the waves?

Huddled beneath the desk
The files found were less
The script I scribed not
Of false fellowship

Murmured were the verses
Pawing for the curses
My hands I lended
Gave all I could spend

Battling my vices
Tampered herbs and spices
My wrist I twisted
Shy 'way from the shiv

Hands spinning lazily
Tracks run, a maze in me
The map I crumpled
To bridges I shan't pass.

Ev'ry time I feel your breath
I sink further from sanity.

And when you burn, I patch you up
I complement your vanity.

The gifts you bring and songs you sing,
From clouds they lightning down.

And when you show your other face,
Enlightened, I can't frown.

The stairs I walked, the voices that talked,
Again will lead to heaven.

Cherries, treasure, it's been forever,
Again will land a seven.

You didn't know me before the loss.
You didn't see the red eyes, the toss
As I daily flipped a penny
To choose passion or apathy
So your hardened smile
Waived my gaze that was dry in the rain

You saw a lesser fellow,
Broken was his ego
But only it was his wrist that did complain.

You knew the vessel that sailed
Had left his harbor empty
Not seeing what in his harbor did remain.

Would you listen closer?
put your ear to the glass of my riddled compass.
And search a little longer?
behind the not-so-old photos on the iris' mantelpiece.
And hold a little tighter?
White knuckles on a steering wheel after a close call on the freeway.
What ills me is not so plain.

No more my heart is molten,
A drifting wind is ridding,
The company of stillness -
It will grow grey again.

Don't you know it's a strange thing
The way my thoughts are arranging
September's cold at its core and it's all for show

Could have sworn you were witness
Meeting adjourned, concerns fit best
I swallowed more than my pride and now I'm alone

Lend me, oh friend of mine
Spare me, oh have you got some time?
Mend this, oh this heart of mine,
Ending, oh this tragedy climbs

Tempting, oh the exit sign
Hem me, oh have you got some twine?
Remem'bring, oh what was the sign,
Tending, oh wash my mem'ries blind

How dare you ever talk about
These phantoms 'neath your skin
You whispered all their whereabouts
And beckoned me within.

I told you not to search the scene
But listen you did not
Your temperament was so serene
You gave it all you got

The walls they swallowed all your words
Denied your basic rights
Unified in ecstacy, ver
Batim I yelled, "Lies!"

In masks they came to welcome you
Identities a plight
Weapons wept their caustic tears
Tearing up your pride.

Oceans owned our heart and soul
Together we shall smite
Who forgave the parable
And turned off all the lights

I took your
Favorite food
Favorite artist
Favorite ev'rything

And buried it deep.

I took your
Haunting holdings
Haunting thrashings
Haunting ev'rything

And buried it deep.

I took your
Lasting laughter
Lasting impact
Lasting ev'rything

And buried it deep.

With such depth I dug
With hopes to never repeat
I'm reminded nightly
In dreams and restless sleep.

Like telling words I choke on
A secret, seething, breathes
I gathered all your mem'ries
And
I
buried
you
deep.

Speak your mind and burn ephemeral,
peace in time, a gem, an emerald,
Speak no more, your words desert you,
deep you bore, perched, they hurt you.

Words are birds, they're always fleeting.
Away they fly, at ev'ry meeting.
They cost no pay, they're often freeing.
Away they fray, from you they're fleeing.

The branches broke, they gave to nothing,
beaked by blokes, you must be bluffing,
With broken wings, you hobbled home;
withholding brings forgotten woes.

You dared to fly, you reaped the ceilings,
at dusk, "Goodbye!" - a tale of telling,
You sold none short, you bought your longing,
no silver tongue - you earned their thrashings.

In shadows, taunted, your aura lingered,
its presence blossomed, incessant it spurred,
Forever haunting, a black crow in turn,
in droves of white doves, "At last!" - you were heard.

How do i fill this void?
Habits die hard, good or bad;
i haven't decided which of those descriptions best fits the habit i held,
the habit we held
together.

It's surprising at best how i've managed
to hold myself together without the adhesive quality that your love provided me.
You were the glue to my broken heart.
Was i the glue to your anything?

It will run its course
clean, free of remorse
outlasting and unforgiving
but I will be the last one living.

Surreal like memories
concealed in melodies
playing and playing
running circles in my head.

Enamored for centuries
and armored for plenty pleas
fighting and fighting
wishing, flipping coins for death.

curdling in the scarcely defined corners of the world
praying for change
falling into martyrdom for something you'd never believe in

I'll wither away
curl into a cane
from a sword that once was so gallantly played

leaking tye-dye
which colors are my true colors?

some people bleed false colors
some people bleed all colors.
and some people just bleed.

paint me a picture
paint me a pick, sure.
paint me a sad, sad lullaby
where tears fall like feathers
instead of lightning strikes

I'll lie here on the floor in wait
crying til you hear my call
But I'll whisper wisdom while I whimper.

I pray you'll stay away
I pray I'll trip into martyrdom
I pray you'll paint something
and you'll pray for me to pray.

I won't pray at all.
or you'll pray you never prayed for me.

Take a puff
it's just once
finish me
lit quickly

Another
I'll smother
Open lips
closed eyelids
Burning fast
this won't last

Put me out
before you're burnt
put me out
before I turn

I'm sorry we didn't meet like love is supposed to.

I was sitting in my stale kitchen in a t-shirt that was two sizes too small,
and you were covered in horse manure in a stable in the cold - or so I imagine.

I'm sorry we didn't meet like love is supposed to.

I gave you my best pick up line,
and you read it.
A twitch in my leg told me you had come up with a verdict.

I'm sorry we didn't meet like love is supposed to.

I searched for the right words
because I had plenty of time.
I was just one of the nerds,
and well, you were a "dime".

I'm sorry we didn't meet like love is supposed to.

Three dimensions told the whole story.
I couldn't look away from your beauty.
You looked at me with the same red fervor.
And I knew you could see right through me.

I'm sorry we didn't meet like love is supposed to.

We were two out of thousands,
the city was ours.
But my lips were going nowhere.
And neither were yours.

I'm sorry we didn't meet like love is supposed to.

I sent the right letters,
and you sent the right digits.
Now I would write letters,
if only you would lend pigeons.

I'm sorry we didn't meet like love is supposed to.

Ten years have passed
I feel the same
just more worn
more tired

In retrospect
has it been worthwhile?

Ten years
that may never have been.
They call it selfish.
Because the nods are one-to everyone-I-know.

I just want
to want.

Ten years
of lessons I wish I could peel back.
so many songs
I'll never unlearn.

Call me the bard
of self-loathing.

Ten years
of crawling on the gravel.
Can you help me pick
the glass from my elbows?

I'll focus on that small,
sinister lantern for ten more.

Whatever happened to the moments
we lived for
the moments we lived from
electrifying lives
currents of passion
high voltage that knew no resistance

what do I have to do?
to feel the surge
to feel the spark
to feel alive again?

Is it in the tomes?
Is it in the songs?
Do the muses hold it in the walls?
Is it inside of me?

Searching for the switch
to send me back to passion
To make me feel charged again
to make me feel in charge again

I want to run
feel the sunshine on my back
as I sprint down the western highway
footfall upon footfall
the sun will not fall
instead it leads me onward perpetually
like a guiding hand
Letting me know
it's okay to run
and never look back

It's been a while since I've slept
A tranquil slumber, my escape escapes me.
mind running like a river, loud like rapids
holding my breath as it pulls me under.
choke on water, death is lurking, the irony is beautiful.
It's been a while since I've written
a painful thunder, my escape escapes me.

Friday freedom
Monday malice
Drain tomorrow's
Sacred chalice

Yester-yearning
Today is bleak
Suppose I'll wait
Another week.

In the absence of everything,
I felt a sheer yet painful bliss.
I longed for stimulation.
A soft breeze from a drafty window,
the whizzing of a broken furnace,
the shriek of the floor as it was pranced upon.
But all of these things would not be enough.
I am lonely because the hour is lonely.
But maybe we're not so lonely, because we're both here together.
The hour and I are not alone
because we both are lonely.

I write the words.
You decide their meaning.
The music is mine,
The lyrics are yours.

Words can move mountains
Weathering away every grain of dirt
and every gram of rock.
Time is their ally.

Building mountains elsewhere,
creating a whole new paradise.
New valleys and new peaks
awash with possibility.

Debris blanketed the plains.
The same mountain lay diluted.
Except now it was anyone's to venture.
My mountain lay in ruins.

Rubble could be rummaged.
From it, castles were built.

Silence did not sanction.

I just want to be moved.

I fought from fear
fought for it as well.
Quarreled with love,
in hatred I dwelled.
Hiding in smiles,
always laughing last.
One can never
shove too soon; steadfast.

Holding long to longing,
longing, holed to holding,

I ode my tale for bold forboding.

Swiftly shores sung,
ripping, reaping, revealing

I stopped just short of saint-like stealing.

Madly minutes mumbled,
syllables stuck, syrup

My thoughts no longer mine to stir up.

Sometimes I wondered if my heart
fell asleep
the way
my limbs would
when I would put
too much pressure
on them,
its awakening spurring spurns
that punished its daring ascent
Until the pressure had passed and so had time.

I sat there wilting with your heart in my hands,
And it was symbolic at best the way my tears fell and mixed with the blood, a tye-dye of pain and exasperation.
Each tear fell heavier than the last as if the pain grew both inside and out.
Crying was supposed to help.
I thought it was supposed to be shedding
the pain of failure, loss, and rejection.
Instead, each drop just weaved its way into the pool of mysteries unsolved, sinking deeper and deeper until it was no longer clear exactly why I was leaking.