I kissed you goodbye
I let you go

I never wanted to see this
I gave it to you

I couldn’t change the course
The choice was give you life or let you die

Either way you took part of me with you
No salvation without sacrifice

Had you of died I would have followed
The life I found for you I cannot be part of

The fact that you want me there hurts far more
These facts you deny

Kiss me and let me go
Hold me and understand why it is so

I’m going to cry
  Even though I am happy for you
It will rip me apart
  I will still smile when you talk about it
As I lay on the floor broken in every form
  You’ll see me shake hands and wear that face
I will stare at the void in my being
  I will offer you the best advice
Time will pass my heart will still be asunder
  I’ll stand there and be joyful
I’ll listen with broken notions and crushing pain
  Yes we’ll still be friends
I’ll give you up
  You’ll hunt me down
Nothing will matter to you
  You will only see what you want
Soon it will only be
  You will never understand
I will forever be
  Then it will all be over.
Never again I’ll say
  Cry you will
Console I must
  Once it is gone
I will be here
  Soon you’ll be gone again
I will fade
  The end will be someday
Until then,

Until then

I should be transcribing the story of my life.

Making you laugh at my silliness.
Having you consider
the reality of it all by relating to just you.

Telling that tired anecdote
that's too witty to give up,
but now is a sad catch phrase.

Having a bonding moment
with you over something I probably faked.
I need you to feel not just know
about my trials or tribulations.

I want to have an endearing trait.
I want to know that my noctivagant ways
won't turn you against me.

I'm a traitor, a fool
a sly emotional chameleon.
I am driven by fear,
gears spinning all of me pushing.

Pushing into a deep dark mental ravine.

I am everything you deem wrong
wrong for your world and perception.
No thinking just scheming
what feeling, just planning.

but here it is with masks off
with sound at full bore
images vividly provided
all you can do is consider

why am I
baring this for you...

tired of

Looking into mirrors & realizing
Death occurred long ago
Knowing that what happens
Is never my will
But theirs
See me fall down
Crush my spirit
Like I did those hands
Bind me
To the weight of my penance
Set that stone afloat
For my sins weigh heavy.

tired of

Understanding & acceptance
Tired of silent words & absolution
Wisdom and caring
Joy & happiness
If only because
These are the things
I never understood how to create

god I am tired of…

Tired of being complacent
The anxiety from looking
The thoughts of being
Trying to be cool
Acting like all is good
My life
Here I f*ing stand

tired of

Being the good one
Earning for anyone but me
Being their rock
Supporting every ones world
But mine
Codependency and hating myself for it.

Spinning falling slow concentric circles
being made as the bits of me fall away
pushing myself down deep,
deeply further into some unknown location
that just feels as horrible as it should.

Land, land, land **** it land

Quicker now vision being marred
just because I am straining
to see the things I am destroying
slow visuals of these concentric circles
losing their own shape and drifting off
into places I should have been
inevitably parts of me were there
but I never have been.

Land, land, land **** it land

Deeper still the descent
is no where near its crescendo
there is no land
there is no place for me to land
there is no me in this place
so where does this lead too..
some crazed rabbit hole
I have pushed myself into

This is everyday
This is my reality
It is every morning
Every morning in this place
It’s alone it is cold it’s real
Everyday I need one thing
One thing to get me through

Not a “you” but really a “me”
Some glorified vision
Some place between
This slow charging death
Everyday is a bit lower
Some how, every day is a bit brighter.

Everything is tunnel vision

I stuttered I stared
I touched something,
Something for which I thought I no longer cared

In the midst of oo’s and awes
In the lines drawn
I drew myself outside the frame

So did I lose it?
Am I reckless?
Do I wantonly pursue it?

Is the door closed or has it just been modified
Was I right the whole time?
Could I be wrong now?

To quote myself
I dig, I dig on the hidden her
Stunned by the private truth
The honest portrayal of self I saw
That thing I touched when I was invited in
I went but I only toed the water
Should I have dove into the deep

I stuttered I stared
You touched in me something
Something for which I no longer cared

In the midst of panic and fear
With a gauntlet drawn
I pushed and broke away

I may have lost it
Reckless in my thoughts and actions
Would you still use it?

My closed doors now open
You were right the whole time
I want what I think to be wrong now.

I stutter I stare…

The Jester to the court
A simple fool
A man to bring about life

Bring about the Dreary
Bring about the Light
Bring about stories of Joy & Strife

Dance amongst
Wax philosophical for
Play about the Concepts
Reorganize the Notions Preconceived and Not

Bring about the Esoteric
Bring about only the Palpable
Bring about plays of Obscure Lucidity

So alone who is he
When at home does he see
What does a merry walk become
Questions, “Who begins to portray me?”

Bring about Divinity
Bring about Sin City
Bring down to Existence and Humility

A Jester will never need a court
Will never have courtesans
He only needs to compliment their world
Must succeed in augmenting their reality through his own