i think i have written this before
i know i will think it again, again

when...
do those classy ladies
with hepburn smiles and frowns
get close enough

to give a chance for a say
in the whole matter of
tugging a sliver of heart out
every time they walk away

and the worst part of it all
is when they do come near
and it is finally made known

that they think and dream just the same
making me love them all the more

beauty is skin deep,
any further and you scratch something
utterly unknowable to the wearer

so how could one hope
to ever know the nature
of those classy hepburn ladies

just know they wonder
how you keep so chipper

a mess can be beautiful:
dreams are a perfection
and we are moving in.

when the years pass with only a change in date
and the last thing you said to a friend
was how wonderful their christmas card seemed
after four seasons of no words to speak of
the time has come, when the sunset falls short
of waking you each morning as it used to
if your teens are gone, and your twenties rolling
have the best years been lived out too?
and the first and best love is all you have ever had
and you hide from life behind your idea of living
but you are bitter and know it, feel there is no change
other than to move, to go, to see, to feel differently.

that one blanket kind of cold
where you’re afraid to move
lest the seal be broken.
and the pores are soaking in
the lack of body heat
laying next to you tonight
yesterday. tomorrow.

The Earth frees itself from Winter;
The roots of ice slowly release.
A promise of mercy fulfilled -
Yet the land remains cold and dark.

Brown grass of Fall's chill peeking through;
Sun's warmth still blocked by the damp, cold.
Earth's Winter scars come into light:
The ice burns of the cruel cold.

The thaw guarantees no healing;
Spring must come, and with it her growth.
Gray still looms; the sun, slow to rise,
Stirs, awakens, tears still cold. Alone.

Winter, she's pulling back by now;
The wounded Earth still wincing, pained.
He will heal, he must thaw somehow,
But Winter's scars run deep. Remain.

im umzug & krawatte

strauss am herzen,

augen zu.

schuhe geputzt

flugkarte in tasche

grinsen.



suit and tie on

bouquet across the chest,

eyes shut.

shoes shined


plane ticket in his pocket

beaming.

*note: this poem was inspired by a student suicide on my university campus two years ago. the idea of dying with so much before oneself would not get out of my mind.

I won’t smile one smile

till I see the pain die.



But when I hear death scream

I’ll laugh till I cry.

Take my red,

Take my head.



Take my eat,

Take my see.



Take my life,

But leave my be;



It’s all I’ve got left of me.

isn’t the idea of a mortal soul

the greatest contradiction of all, ever?

what could be more immortal?

need saving less? I don’t know if I’ll

live forever, but we have eternity to find out...

Love, though, she will.

the feeling in your feet

one tucked under

tight knees, stiff back.

shoulders tensed, 

head clear, eyes tired.



eyes open, lips curled,

full lungs.



Heart racing, adrenaline.

nails biting, teeth tearing.

ribs crack, muscle rips,

blood sprays, red drips.



they must die

when they jump.



knees buckle, brow

sweats, last breath.

Oversized coat
he’ll never grow into.

Pants tight at the waist
from sleeping too much.

A long time since normal
confident, awake, happy He.

The perks and flowersmith
constant, ready. Steady.

Involuntarily replacing his young
with his new old.
Sleep comes easy
in this winter’s cold.

He kept me alive
and didn’t remember my name
mike, at the sandwich shop
sessions of bean-spilling
make me tired of crying.
Meditation, deep breathing
still tired, still here.

Who will he save,
know, teach, forget
in the next year?
Anyway, thanks to him
I’m here.

How can I ever learn
if I’ve never known a thing;
carry a tune
without breath to sing?

How can I re-brick
what was never lain;
know this emptiness
without a name?

What more am I than plant food
walking seeds, feet the wind
senses for suffering,
growth, love and sins.

My cotton heart
holds no heat;
brain and fingertips:
fat and meat.

What path to take
when there’s a chance
that I’ll stray to earth, buried
without a last first dance.

Make a grammar in my mind
to hold what I see fair:
love, hope, smiles, touch,
red, blond, brown hair.

Whose hair is mine?
Where did I get my eyes;
tongues, shields, gold and fire-
which banners rippled in their skies?

How long to live!
A rare, fragile find.
All I know so far...
Each birthday is a scar.

Tony said
to really graduate
you have to be broken
from the heart out
once, really smashed.

I think that’s fair
but what if
the heart, say, of
a friend
was breaking right
up until the end,
only he dodged?
Was he, that friend I know,
ever really there? Was she?
How many hearts will it be?
Do I count? No?
But mine breaks a little
every time too. A little more
And I’ll break through.
Not for a while -
it’s still hard to smile.

it’s something
to admit it for once
not for all,
just you there.
but it’s been around
so long I can’t say
how easy
this will be
to share with you.
but it’s coming
out with a smirk
not guilty or mean
but obvious, true
the secret is:
they weren’t new.
those songs I shared
have been mine for a while
girl after girl
smile after smile.

water was showering over me
warm steam with coffee scented molecules

quenching the dry air.
a thought was in my mind:
porcelain can’t hold coffee grounds.
something nice would be fresher air
as fresh as frenchly pressed coffee.

so, in my thoughts, i dripped on the rug
and made footprints over to cup one
(it was wasting heat, losing steam)
so i used the momentum
of its northward-traveling aroma.

an air freshener was made
(as i turned the cup in my hand)
to a catapult of filtered black sand
no grounds to spill, but coffee’s scent
poured through the air as it went.

lifted level, tipped right askew,
my nostrils flared as coffee flew.
the air freshener that was thought
occupied a braid of air,
perfect aroma.
then liquid’s caught.
gathered by carpet, furniture and clothes,
coffee no longer kissing my nose.

my eyes open,
the warm steam is still around.
thoughts no longer on coffee grounds,
but rather the soap in my hair
and on warm cup one
still waiting there.

The footprint of this place
is a freshly razored face.

Mother Earth’s been ‘beautified.’
trees, grass, roots, shrubs,
stubble shaved from the chin,

neck and face smooth.
Underneath this house.

The whiskers have been shaved
        she’s dolled up
But in gruff’s stead
        there’s a wart on her face
A fossilized, mortared blackhead.

I come home to the darkest it’s ever been.

Every light choked off; there’s a cinch somewhere in the hose.
It’s the stillest it’s ever been here, for ten years.

The last time it was this still the trees grew a different way:
        not all twisted, sideways and flat

        not planks and sheets.
They grew straight up and down,

        but with branches going left to right,
        but with leaves swallowing sunlight.
They were spindly, fat, twiggy and thick.
not stapled, smashed, ground or shaped
not nailed, glued, pressed into place.

I come home to the quietest it’s ever been.
Every sound gagged; the fan’s gummed up.
It’s the most silence this place has heard for ten years.
The last time it was this quiet Forest ruled the place.

The ground below will never grow
green or brown extensions of carbon earth
-not since the concrete took up hearth
-not since ten years ago.

does anyone know why I don’t believe?

because in all the stories good

always has to work too hard

to stand a chance against bad, 

no matter what.



because the numbers are always 

stacked against light,
even if darkness dies in the end.

why is it so hard? why can’t love always

have the advantage, from the very beginning?

isn’t that how we all think 

the world is: basically good?



that’s why I don’t believe:

because there are some people who,

no matter what is done or said to them,

will never appreciate what they are born with.

whether they deserve it or not 

doesn’t matter.

it’s lots of luck, the way I see things.

love, happiness, life: hard work, 

but lots of luck. 

and the first piece of that luck

is being born into a place with free
air, sunshine, birdsong, friends and family.

most have that, some not, but all have

breath in their lungs.


I will never believe in a god

because there are those

who can’t see their luck,

who can’t count to seventy-seven years

and realize how little time they have

to live the life that luck gave them.
if it was god, they would appreciate

what they have. they would be born with it.

like air, sunshine, birdsong, friends and family.

His wrinkles went somehow deeper

than those of a national will do.



And his eyes were somehow darker -

not without a brightness in them -

intelligence behind a film, foreign repose.



I saw from the hood on his red coat

that he was passing through the land

not that the coat was novel or strange

his hood was tighter, more practically donned.



His whiskers were somehow thicker

scratching the surface of the Great Land
a beard from three days’ unshaven growth

the stubble, wisdom of an Englishman.



Far different than I, not better, but old

emotions just a hair deeper hidden

than mine were: shivering in the cold.



I knew from his voice, his language: 

mine was his, mine the younger.



A shaman with a home on the Eire

though not from that verdant spot

souls are all equal, nation matters not.



An infusion of Alastair’s yarrow root 

diluted in cold, sprayed sea water

coaxed home to the waves the sunlight

our trust and a handshake.

I will not attribute honor



to the bloodiest of games



to cold, condoned killings



faceless murders without blame.



War is to the green-clad



a state-sanctioned game



I will not call that thing honor



for which good men should feel shame.

the clash & legacy of it all

do yes to my mind appeal,

but blood & bone, flesh & souls:

shattered. my heart can feel.

alone and stolen, preserved for the night,

nothing renewed, nothing done right.

pensioned and planned, the road the way,

early retirement, last day.

office hours only, home after five,

up the ranks, no sleep, but alive.



bright face, new hired chance,

crisp gray suit, creased wool pants.

sign once on the bottom line,

forty-thousand for one year’s time.



we must work to live.

on minimum wage,

in maximum time.

paid to live,

for some other man’s dime.


taught to know,

what to ask:

to give thirty years

you’ll never have. 



standard of living: highest,

tears never cried: driest.



beginning gone well, good and bad.

papa, *****, mom and dad.



it’s a boy or a girl!

a real live birth: sterile and white

forty feet from earth.

Despite the wind that’s cold



no gloves nor winter hat



for the ten-year-old.





I lean with the waves



backs broken by her bow



sea-legs and springed stance



keep me dry for now.





The wind whips and whines



chaps my neck and my nose



my hands were warm, too



hidden down, pocket-deep.





But the boy braves closer



than his mother’d like to see.





So my red, tingling hands


should he slip on the deck



are cold and stiff, but ready.

Dusty leather boots,

yellow teeth & smokey hair.

Average looked like tough on you.

Slept with the moon,

friends with Orion,
a good, soft rock for a pillow.



Never gave much,

but never took anything - 

so that’s all right.



One new notch in your belt,
a swig with a cig,

& a song goodnight.

A day in your life -
last day in your life -

now: done.

every tree, stone, stream,

breath, wind, living thing

congealed, composite!

part of her, all agreed

to build this being.

all her life, each asleep

all hidden underneath.



but with the last smile, 

blink & sigh, each element

comes alive.

-----

but not to leave, never

alone.

the earth around

is her home.

sitting in brown cords

in a little red car,
rain dropping from the 

gray sky onto the

even grayer ground,

with oldies

sliding out the speakers
into the cool, wet air,

with cracks in the soles

of my shiny brown shoes

with music in my ears

and song in my mouth - 

I wonder if anyone,

anytime, or any where,

has ever enjoyed rain

and cat stevens

so much or in such a way

as I did on that gray, rainy

brown cords day.

I’m finally taking Dad to see the world,

He’s been before, but not this far,

Not with his boy. He’s so excited!
 


Trees and houses, cows and stone 

pass us by, sitting side-by-side in the train.

He’s with his boy. He’s been waiting for this day.



Quiet, but I remember his thoughts.

I know him better than myself.

He’s so happy to be here!



England, Germany, Italy and Greece,

Holland, Spain, Austria and France.

He’s waited so long!



We cry together on the Norman graves,

Two generations lost, two present.

Father and son, together.


I planted your Oak today, Dad.

I know you will grow big and strong,

Just as before. Like your father, like his son.
 


Earth from the Old World, mixed with you,

will foster this seed, and make you new.

I can see your smile in the leaves!



And your grandchildren will know you, 

When they climb the branches 

That grow from your ashes.

the square clockwork of the heart

clicks and turns, moving the soul,

gnashing and biting, blinding eyes,

spinning inside, despite conflict,

despite reality.