In a nonchalant nook of a meadow and brook
There's a spot where the rules don't apply
It's not easy to find in the rushes enshrined
And you'd have to be ever so spry

It's here, cast aside, that the fairy folk hide
The ones Disney politely declined
Though they twinkle and fly through the midsummer sky
Their employment was less than refined

There's a stout looking sprite in a shimmer of light
With the buzz like a million sighs
Her name sent a shiver straight over you liver
It's Shitwallop, bringer of flies

There's a couple of wimpish and creepy wee imps
Pale yellow, like ageing canaries
It's Wagglebrow-Kisses and Gropetit-Dismisses
The ****** Harassment Fairies

And floating around with a raspberry sound
Leaving sulphurous fumes as she goes
Like a starfish but hairy, the Flatulence Fairy
Queen ******* drifts up your nose

There's so little to write of the Soddomy sprite
That I won't even mention his name
Dodge Flapcrack and Slurpees the Harpies of Herpies
And avoid any friends of the same

If you want my advice, which will have to suffice
Then I'd stay well away altogether
For I've not even touched on the ******* and such
And a fairy looks scary in leather

Dorothy Gale, all freckled and pale
Was asleep in her gingham print nighty
When a ****** great twister enveloped the vista
And blew like the good lord almighty
It ripped up the grass and it took out the glass
As it lifted the house from position
And a blow to the head from the post of her bed
Put young Dorothy out of commission

She awoke with a fright as she fell from a height
Landing squarely on somebody's gran
She emerged from indoors to a round of applause
And her journey had surely began
The people of Aus (because that's where she was)
Gave her hazy but helpful directions
She should hastily wander the road over yonder
To reach Tony before the elections

So she took to the road from her former abode
In her quest to get back to her folk
She aquired some mates, all in similar straits
Or the **** of a practical joke
A man made of straw was quite hard to ignore
With a lion quite lacking in guts
And a fella whose skin was constructed from tin
Held together with rivets and nuts

Such adventures they had, though I think you'll be glad
That I've cut to the crux of the rhyme
Where a meeting was set, their request would be met
To meet Tony in ten minutes time
They arrived and were greeted, quite comfortably seated
It was then Mr Abbott appeared
He regretted to say, to their growing dismay
That their wishes had not all been cleared

"As I haven't a heart" he was heard to impart
"then the tin man is leaving with jack"
"And I'm gutless as well" he was careful to tell
"So the lion can hurry on back"
"And I've also no brain, so it's no once again"
"But young lady, your problems are sorted"
"You'll be locked up off shore for a month, maybe four
"And by christmas, we'll have you deported"

By Ben the Poet

What's new? Have you heard?
Bad statistics up a third
Someone said a naughty word
Candid shot with ******* blurred
Terrorists and pirate fleets
Politician/Mango tweets
Weather bombs, infernal heats
Docu-dramas and repeats
How to drop a size for spring
A kitten with a ball of string
Arguments from either wing
Adverts selling everything
Striking blows, legal highs
Diplomatic compromise
Close ups of the royal thighs
******* wins the nobel prize
A baby drinking anti-freeze
Retention fighting llama cheese
IMFs and IEDs
With overheads and hidden fees
Settlements and legal action
Kidnap by extremist faction
Cartoon dogs and brief distraction
Now, about your next transaction
Shorter cash and longer queues
Horoscopes and cryptic clues
Underpayment overdues
I wonder why they call it news?

Finding something on the road
And serving it for dinner
Buying dresses far too small
And thinking you look thinner
Solar powered submarines
Broken ribs or ruptured spleens
Driving cars and drinking beers
Lightbulb licking, bad ideas

Knowing where you shouldn't be
And being there despite
Going out in thunderstorms
To fly your iron kite
Sharing needles with a shark
Going to Mansfield after dark
Setting fire to someone's ears
Telemarketing, bad ideas

Not deploying gaffer-tape
When doing D.I.Y.
Believing the implausible
While branding truth a lie
Replying to Nigerian Princes
**** bleach and ******* rinses
Tabloid papers touting fears
Voting UKIP, bad ideas

Impersonating ******
Before nineteen forty-five
Catching a train on Sunday
And assuming you'll arrive
Turning lights on with your nose
Eating food that moves or glows
Listening to Britney Spears
Marmite Pringles, bad ideas

**

When Charlie was a young'un with a crayon and some paper
He would scribble til the paper ripped and the crayon turned to vapour
His mother would console him and she'd offer her advice
But just to drive the message home, she'd loudly sing it twice

Follow the lines, my boy, just follow the bleedin' lines
Just pick a side and stay there, always follow the lines
If you're not a fool then fake it
If you show your spine they'll break it
Follow the lines, follow the lines, follow the lines

So when Charlie went to high school, how he tried to walk in stride
But the boredom of geometry provoked his naughty side
His professor would chastise him with a ruler and a cane
And, as an aid to memory, he sang him twice again

Follow the lines, young Charlie, you follow the blasted lines
Give it a try, you'll soon see, never cross over the lines
Don't be smart or play the joker
Aim for mainly mediocre
Follow the lines, follow the lines, follow the lines

When assembling a wardrobe with his Allen key and spanner
He threw himself into his task in an overzealous manner
So when he called his father to report a broken bone
His old man tutted ruefully and sang right down the phone

Follow the lines now Charlie, just follow the ******* lines
Don't improvise or gamble, why didn't you follow the lines
Dodge unnecessary ructions
And adhere to the instructions
Follow the lines, follow the lines, follow the lines

So in time, he raised a family, the lines etched in his head
One day he heard a buzzing from his aging garden shed
As he listened at the planking, how his face was drawn and long
For between the buzz and rustle, squeaked a tiny little song

Follow the lines, buzz-buzz, just follow the buzz-ing lines
Follow the bee before you, just buzz and follow the lines
Find the flowers when it's sunny
Fetch the nectar, make the honey
Follow the lines, follow the lines, follow the lines
Buzz buzz

**

Don't speak the lingo
Or wear the disguise
Don't listen to thin girls
Comparing their thighs
Preparing compromise
With slaves in suits
And silken ties

Don't bow to the pressure
To hanker and crave
Cos that ninety inch plasma
Won't fit in your grave
And gosh you need a shave
Polish your boots
Now smile and wave

Don't look in the mirror
And pick out the flaws
Don't steam your ******
Or botox your jaws
Never, on any account, watch Jersey Shores
Always expect
The hidden clause

The lies are entangled
Like thickets of briar
And the evidence lost
Or mislaid, or on fire
So justice is for hire
To the biggest perv
And the richest liar

Sailing away on a luxury liner
Packing your bags and eloping to China
Building a castle and digging a moat
These are all things you can't do with a goat

Any assortment of wrapping and bagging
Over the fireplace or under the lagging
In your pyjamas, in Tupperware boxes
These are all places that irritate foxes

An onion, a carrot, a plantain or mango
A tikka kebab and a bottle of tango
A handful of pencils, a flaming baton
These are all things that won't fit in a swan

Pet shops and grocers and stationary suppliers
Takeaways, rivers and all kinds of fires
P&O; cruises, kebab shops, IKEA
These are all places I'm not allowed near...

**