I pull myself up to the back window knowing she can't see me at night
I watch her change, her body is fat and ugly
her thighs are too big and her acne is scaring not just to her skin
but I still watch letting myself hate every inch of her body

I walk around the house to stalk the front window
she has her makeup on
I hate her a little less but I can hear her mother reminding me of her ugly
mum tells her to change she looks like a little boy and not how mum imagines her to be

I run to the left side of the house here she smiles on the phone with her friends
pretending the world doesn't exist
her laugh is still so ugly too loud and too girly for me
her friends don't mean to but they remind her of what she has to hide
what she is forced to be quite for

I dash to the right window
here I can barely see her through the blurry pain
she's crying an ugly cry
she holding the side of her head, the side her mum hit
she doesn't cry with sound her voice would only make her want to die more
she starves herself in hope that her empty stomach will replace her empty smile

I hate her
I hate her
I hate her

I hate myself

this morning I saw a girl
I walked up to her
I pinched her stomach then reminded her she was fat
her skin will never be beautiful
her thighs are too big
her hips are in the wrong place
her ******* are too small
her hair is such a terrible texture
her sweaty hands are too chubby and way to disgusting to ever use
I call her a *** why doesn't she just wear a dress
I made her cry
I took one last look before wiping my tear away turning from the mirror to the clothes I must put on for the day

Her converse mozie her through the cemetery that once wasn't sad
until she died
until I died
they bring her home
they bring her to the one she wishes she could hate
the one she wants to tell the truth
the truth that she doesn't even know
truth that may mean she's not a she
but again I don't know who I am
or who I love
whether it's them
or her
but right now
never him
.

The more I love them the more I hate myself
the more I want to die the closer we get
I want to be under their love and the ground

i've always known it but now i'll say it
you don't love me
you won't ever

i changed my life to be for you
you became yourself
but seeing you made me see reality

you need to be yourself in order to love
but you can never be finished changing with me around

you need you more than i want you

The love and hate that comes with abuse is hard to understand

there will be such happy moments shared with such passion and care
the moments I wish I could never leave

that time I laughed so hard seltzer shot out of my nose
burning what felt like my brains
how grateful I feel for her care in my education
the looks across the dinner table when my dad mispronounces a word


then there's the dark
the times my mother thought the best way to discipline me was with pain

the times she apologized with and embrace so warm but so fake because she was always just trying to make herself feel better for the bruises on my skin

then just like a record
hitting me again for struggling with an addiction that I've been fighting since I was six

She ignores my very clear and out loud depression
going as far as to blame it on the few things keeping me from swallowing those extra pills

keeping me closer to her lies
and further away from the happiness that came with ignorance

The same denial I know my father and sister are living
They don't experience my mother like I do

They've seen her rage fits but only intervene after it's too late
letting my head hit the wall
letting her rip off my socks and locking me outside during a snowstorm knowing **** well what she was doing was wrong

They themselves are too afraid of losing the good in my mother but forget that everytime she slips into the anger she takes away a piece of me

a piece of my trust
a piece of my individuality
my ability to speak up
a piece of my innocents


I wish I could leave
but I also understand that when I need her the most my mother will be right there by my side

She will pay for my first car
She will help with college tuition
She will listen when others hurt me
She will always give me a hug right as I'm about to break

She is always going to be here
her good and bad side will always be right here next to me