At age 27 I ask myself what the hell I am so afraid of
I was born in Central America and my family
Tree reveals that I am from Belize City
This means that I’m Belizean
I’m mixed with white & black  
But I’m not African American since I don’t have any history
Or evidence of my family living in America generations after generations
I’m not even sure if my ancestors were owned by slaves or not
But I won’t assume that we weren’t


Today I ask myself why I love this country so much
That I desperately strive to become American legally
And I want to feel like an American
I know more about African & U.S. History than Central America
I feel like a disgrace to my culture
Yet I haven’t tried to google, ask my family questions
Or even pick up a book to find out more about my ancestors

Whether they’re foreigners or Americans
They tell me that I speak perfect English
And I look like I’m African American
And they can’t even hear my accent
But I think to myself,
Well it’s still there my accent just isn’t as strong and it’s not difficult for me to pronounce English after living here for 15 years
And as for my skin complexion, hey I acknowledge that fact that I’m half black
I didn’t get this skin color from sitting in the New Mexico sun for too long

From what I’ve learned the languages that exist in Belize are:
1. Creole,
2. Garifuna,
3. Spanish,
4. Maya Mopan,
5. Maya Yucateco,
6. Maya Ketchi,
7. Hindi,
8. And German.

We eat:
1. Tamales,
2. Rice &beans;,
3. Craw-fish,
4. Pig-tail, meat-pie,
5. Mango, craboo which is fruit with milk and sugar,
6. Fried plantains.
7. Rompopo is Belizean eggnog mixed with brandy or ***

My favorite food was garnaches which:
Is corn tortilla, refried beans, and shredded cheese  
Fried cake which is bread dough that is shaped
Like a moon that was cut in half and then fried in a skillet

Belize has a variety of ethnicity
Chinese, white, black, Mexican, Native American, etc
So you might look at one of us and assume
They’re Mexican because their skin color is brown
Or think they’re Jamaican, African, and African American because
Of their dark skin or their foreign accent
But that person might be Belizean

We celebrate Independence Day on September 21
They listen to reggae music called *****
My family’s dialect is creole
Da we de gon on
Means hows it going

One day I hope that I’m confident enough to embrace everything:
The culture/country that I was born in,
The American life style that I live now and
Accepting the fact that I’m still black
Even though I’m also Belizean
I don’t want to continue to be bound to my shame of my ethnicity
Or this society that manipulates you
Into believing that surviving and
Making money should be your main focus

I used to feel ashamed to be put in the category of:
Illegal, immigrant, undocumented,
Or simply not a U.S Citizen

I’ve been oppressed and rejected from:
Jobs, schools and programs,
Because I’m not a red-blooded American

But through God I learned that I should
Be proud of who I am and what country I come from
And that makes me free

Because I still have choices
I still have options
As long as I try, I can smile
As long as I have God
My life is worthwhile
Because I’m His child

I can’t contain myself any more
I’m tired of being broke and poor
I’m going to get that full ride
Into a 4 year college
I’m going to get that steady job security with:
A steady paycheck, that’s re-locatable and it’s fun

I’m tired of lying, hiding, and scamming
To get into organizations, staffing agencies and jobs
That would help my life be healthier

I dislike the fact that you have to
Get married to get a green card
I hate using a fake social security number
Or tax ID on applications that ask for it
I don’t like making up excuses about
Why I don’t qualify for financial aid or unemployment

But I’m going to man up and keep moving forward
It doesn’t matter how much:
Pain, anxiety, frustration, bad attitudes,
Disappointment, confusion, heart break
Or put downs I get in life
I’ll keep fighting the good fight with all my heart
And I’m going to be honest even if hurts me

Because I still have choices
I still have options
As long as I try, I can smile
As long as I have my God,
My life is worthwhile
Because I am His child

By Shannon Pollard
© December 2012

IT’S COOL TO BE BLACK

I can use the word ***** even,
When I’m talking about a TV character
It is fun saying it’s because I’m black huh
And no matter what race they’re they start laughing
I like hearing the saying once you go black you never go back
Because it’s usually true

I like President Barack Obama because he goes
Against the grain of those negative black stereotypes
It’s tight how even though people hate on black folks
They listen to our music, copy the way we dress, talk,
Slang terms and the way we walk
They pay a lot of money to watch us play sports
I love how when people want get a good laugh out of life they:
Watch our movies, comedy shows, plays and poetry

I love walking up to my homeboys, home girls, family etc.
Saying: What’s up, giving daps, hi fives, making crazy handshakes,
And sometimes nodding your head as a sign of respect
I love being black because we are a beautiful race.

My family, the media, society
And growing up in the ghettos of California
Trained to believe that if you’re man,
Especially if you’re a dark skinned black man
That you can’t cry, or feel hurt by anything
Because we men have no: heart, emotions, a soul,
No brain or anything painful that should be talked about

And if you decided to go against the taboo then you’re:
Gay, stupid, sensitive they say’s you are a female/*****
I spent many years conforming to this unrealistic law
That I know not to shed a tear unless s I’m alone
Or my struggles are so overwhelming that
I don’t have the strength to fight any longer
Without getting some baggage off my chest

But ***** it life is too short to act like Pinocchio
And I’m a ******* real boy ******
So I’m grabbing a red can of gasoline,
And brown blow torch
And I’m burning this fictional script
And rewriting a story with some supportive guidelines

I cry when I talk/pray to God
I cry when I laugh too much or when I’m happy
I cry when someone that I care about dies
Or if they’re in pain and the situation is out of my control
I cry when I see a father & son on TV
Or in real life bonding with each other
I cry when I watch the seen from the movie ghost
When Patrick Swayze and Demi Moore are embraced
Between each other while they’re trying mold potter
On a spinning wheel and it falls down because they start kissing
That **** was both **** and romantic at the same time

I cry because it helps me: stay out of prison/jail,
I live longer; it teaches me that it’s ok to be a tough guy
And be vulnerable at the same time,
But most of all it gives me the strength to stay away
From relationships where I’m being abused
Or I’m abusing the other person

It’s the country of freedom of speech
Some homosexual male, bisexual
Or lesbian can get married
Men and women can choose to change
Their *** to what makes them feel good
Don’t tell me live and let live
When the rich can steal from
The poor & middle class
And make it legal under
The guidelines of capitalism
We can have a black president

So don’t tell me that this is the land of the free
But a man can’t express his feelings
Don’t patronize me into believing that the world has more:
Love, power, respect, happiness than God does for us  
Because that’s some hypocritical, double standard *******
I’m not just talking about me or minorities
And I’m not limiting it to what *** you’re
I’m speaking for what is right compared to what we are told
It needs to change because it’s not helping anybody.

Written By Shannon Pollard
©August 2013

Before I moved to New Mexico
I never thought that I deserved to be in college
Because In California I got bad grades, skipped classes,
Didn’t care about my life and played the victim in high school
Now I’m pursing an Associates and a Bachelor’s Degree
In Liberal art, education and creative writing

I wasn’t sure if I had what it takes to lean on God’s faith
To complete my classes and do well
In that secondary education knowledge
I but I passed my summer with a B+

In my life I’m known to be late for everything I attend
Yeah I was always on that black people time
Waking up at 4:00 am to get ready, eat
And also catch the bus to a summer class
That starts at 8:30am and ends 12:50pm
Every Friday for 3 months was difficult
But I learned to make sacrifices and
I never missed a day of class

I had a bad habit of being a procrastinating excuse maker
But I was tired of wasting time,
I hated proving people right about me
I was tired of my family treating me
Like I was a burden on them
And having haters trying to destroy my spirit
So I could do what they want me to do
So I pushed passed the negativity and I never fell behind

I’d never had a scholarship before
But my first year in Central New Mexico Community College
I received 2 scholarships and I’m going for another one

My mentor used to tell repeatedly
That anything in life that’s worthwhile takes hard work
So try, when it doesn’t work try again and
When you feel like giving up, try even harder
Because a man has no excuses, rich or poor

Now I know 100% that anything is possible with God
And a lot of effort on my part
So I won’t ever quit, I’ll stay motivated and hungry till I have nothing left
Because I’d rather die trying my best than live with regrets.

By Shannon Pollard
©Summer 2012

This is for my mom and grandma
You guys have been in my life since birth                
You taught me how to tie my shoes
When I had no father around to
Teach me the basics of how to be a man
You stepped up and did the right thing

When I fell off, my bike and I cried
Because I thought my arm was broken
You took me into the bathroom to
Get the rubbing alcohol and bandages
First-aid kit to fix my bruises and cut
But what was amazing was how safe you made me feel
By just saying that everything was going to be alright

You and mom have been the pillars of this family
Me and my 4 brothers learned that me mi ‘‘familia’’ is everything
In many ways we learned how to be men from you
I learned how to sew, wash dishes, bargain shop, ironing clothes and do the laundry
And clean up after myself and the house,
I know how to change a diaper and make a bottle from all those times that had to baby sit
My little brothers when you were working
I don’t know how to cook but I’m going to learn
Because you always told me that you need to know how to take care of yourself
What if you get a wife who doesn’t want to take care of you?
You would give me advice like don’t mess around
With a girl who has a boyfriend because you’ll get into trouble,
Respect everybody even if you don’t like that person
And finish school because nobody can take away what you’ve learned
You were right about everything that you said

I hope that when I have kids that
I’m half the parent that you guys were to me
Because you inspire me to create by making this family better,
You give me strength to fight by not giving up on me,
You showed me how to share love by showing me compassion
And I know how to have faith
By watching you live life facing your fears

You guys are the true definition of
What a strong, poor, immigrant women can
Become with a little perseverance
Happy mothers and fathers day
Because you did the job that 2 parents
Would have a difficult time with
I know that I don’t express my feelings a lot
But I am proud of you

By Shannon Pollard
© May 2013

Distill water is healing.
The moons voice manipulates the ocean,
By reaching and pulling away from the sand
the suns smile equips us with Vitamin C
The Water cycle is a universal enigma.
She starts of as clouds quenching our planet with:
Oceans, lakes, rivers, and water puddles
she evaporates into mist of waves
Camouflaging her family recipe in the sky,
While cooks up new baby clouds
its starts all over again like the tadpole evolution
even though we all take water for granted sometimes,
She still supplies our needs.

By Shannon Pollard
©Summer 2012

I’m white and black
I am Belizean

I remember feeling like a prisoner
Locked up inside my own mind growing up

I believe in God because,
He saved me from major surgery a couple of months ago

I value trust and honesty because;
I didn’t see much of it in my family and neighborhood

I am from Belize City and Los Angeles, California
I come from God, He knows me better than I know myself

I learned how to fight through boxing class,
Now I back up what I say

I am ambitious because,
I am the loser that slipped through life’s cracks

I’m like an Octopus:
I multi task, I’m persistent and clever
About how I peruse things I want

I’m filled with joy and when I wake up every day
I am a work of art,
Chiseled from marble and granite                                                                            

Shannon Pollard
©May 2012

One time I was texting my home girl
And she asked what your favorite kind of food is.
I said: barbeque, spaghetti, empanadas,
Burritos and Spanish girls
She text me back Hispanic girls are not food
So you should take that of your list.
I was. I responded no that’s not true I’ve had Mexican girls
Before they’re spicy I got heart¬-burn

Sometimes I want to be straight –up with a woman
Be like hey baby you’re gorgeous, fine, and ****
Were both grown-ups and
I don’t have the patience to lie or manipulate you into
Dropping your ******* or fall in-love with me
It’s less complicated to just be honest
Cause I'm broke *** college student,
I’m unemployed right now but I’m searching for a job

I want to treat her like I’m writing a resume and let the truth come out
If you’re LA single don’t be telling me that your celibate, the relationship is complicated, or that you guys broke up because that is *******
Cause many girls like to keep 4 or more guys at the same time in their life
To buy them free stuff, have *** with them if he’s hitting it right,
Keep in the friend zone if they need him,
Use him to make her man jealous or turn him into a love sick puppy

People assume that because I’m nice and I’m quiet
That I would put up with that behavior
But when I meet women like that
I quickly let my actions say you ain’t gotta go home
But you gotta get the hell out of here girl

I will make a dating profile that looks different from outer peoples
Instead of it saying some crap like I to take long walks on the beach, I’m looking for love on the internet, I’m an out-doors person, and I want to get married and have 3 kids

It’s going to say that I need to get back in the gym because it’s been awhile, I walk everyday but that’s usually because I have too, and I do want to get married but only when I met the right person

I want to be so real with her
That I tell her I catch the bus
Look I don't care what race you're
Because my second head is not telling me
Psst hey come over here

Don’t mess with her cause were not the same skin color
Or we don't speak the language
(In my head I’m saying how you doing)
I'm crazy like Steve Urkel
Who’s obsessed with Laura from the TV show Family Matters
"Did I do that?"
But if you stick by my unconditionally,
I promise when I come up it life you won't have to wonder
If I still care about you or if I'll turn into to a liar
Cause my actions will speak for itself
Even if you don’t like me or you won’t give me some
I’m not trippin because I told you the truth not what you wanted to hear
And at least I made you laugh but most of all I was real with myself
By Shannon Pollard
© April 2013

Some people see the potential in you
And some don't
Many who see it are jealous
And want to destroy it or steal it for themselves
Even though they can't have it
Because it's not meant for them

Some people have nothing financial or
Little material things to give you
But they got your back for real no matter what
They put their time, energy, respect and faith in you
Because they love you and see the greatness in you
Before you even knew you had self-worth
Or while you were at rock bottom

And some are just faking the funk
Pretending like they like/love you
They’ve been acting like something that they’re not for so long
That they no longer care about knowing who they really are
That fake smile never changes like the joker from Batman
Just leave those people alone and let that stuff be about them
      


I don't believe in a having a big homie
I Trust in a God, or a mentor
And I don’t care about proving
How black I am, how hood I am, or how tough I am
By sagging my pants, wearing a red or blue bandana on my head, hands, or in my back pocket
I don’t want to carry a gun, knife or
Talk trash when I know I can’t back up what I say, to protect myself
I know what it’s like to run away from your pain, guilt and loneliness
By covering it up with hate, ***, relationships, ****, hanging out gangbangers and having a bad attitude
That’s in my past and I hated that person
Now I’m about appreciating life and staying true to myself

A professor once said in my philosophy class
I don’t care if people think I am a good or bad person
Because people are always
Changing their opinions
Based on how they feel or what they’re going through

I once saw this quote in a movie
A Bronx Tale “There is nothing worse than wasted talent”
   Don’t waste your time on things that aren’t important to your life.

By Shannon Pollard
© Fall 2013

Flexible old ladies
Extending their worn out muscles
Was first opinion about yoga
After taking class my life enlightened
Eyes contemplated the world
Push ups and sit ups is Kindergarten level
She requires all your mind and energy for full nourishment
Body bent like graph
She lifted my arms and legs into sky
While I pushed my body with force towards the ground
Thorax laid flat like a blue print
Back pulled up like crow bar
2 hours of meditating felt like two days in furnace
Filled with negative tension and tempting thoughts
All my problems expelled through my ****
She gave me the best love I ever had
Her tongue licked wax out of ears so I could hear truth
My mind was fighting against my body
Trying to escape this bomb *** high that made me feel like Jell-o
But brought back so many painful memories that I pretended to forget
That’s when she grabbed insecurity’s arms and whispered to me
“Baby, don’t be afraid.  I won’t hurt you.”
Her soft lips caressed my stiff brain down to my feet
Her breath massaged my bone marrow till I was unconscious
I awoke a healed soul

By Shannon Pollard
© July 18, 2007

I used to be an intern for CD Tech Health Corps
I worked with stipend money
Through Trade Tech Community College
I was trained to learn about health in
The communities of Los Angeles, California
And how it affects us as individuals and as groups

Some things I already knew like how the government
Allows liquor stores, fast food restaurants and loan offices
To be overpopulated in middle class and ghetto communities
To cause: misery, addictions, and poor work ethic
But people got used to it, even though it’s obviously unfair

What I didn’t know is by law there is supposed to be
A limit on how many fast-food and liquor stores
There are on each corner in the community

I learned from watching the Michael Moore video called Sicko
That the pharmaceutical companies own the hospitals
And they pressure the doctors, nurses and other staff employees
To refuse to help some people if they don’t have health insurance
Or they make it difficult for the people who are qualified for it
By making these ridiculous rules and requirements

I saw a grown man cry to God for help, because he was very sick
But the insurance company wouldn’t cover his
Medical procedure… a few years later he died

I learned that: France, Canada, and England run their hospitals
With more efficiency and compassion than the United States:
A visit to the hospital is free; they provide safe transportation home,
Give patients money to catch a cab, and they believe in
Treating their citizens with resect whether they’re rich or poor

C’mon people we live in the most powerful country in the world
And we supposedly have the best health care system on earth
We should back up that reputation, embrace the Obama care
Or come up with a better health care program to help all of our citizens
And we should be more Godly about how we treat the less fortunate

When I was younger I had an elder friend of mine
Named Denise Davidson
I asked her “why do some older folks
Like to put down younger people
She dropped a knowledge bomb on me
She said that adults have been torn down
By life and that’s why they try to tear you down sometimes

She also told me that I shouldn’t allow anyone to put me down
No matter whom it is, even if it is the President of the United States
Those words are forever tattooed on my heart

Even in my late twenties I still deal with haters
Trying to sabotage my blessings

They try to use me like I’m a slave
And when I confront them about an issue
They talk to me: condescendingly like I’m stupid,
Or say that I’m crazy, or they blame me for their shortcomings

But now instead of me acting ignorant by: cussing people out,
Hold my anger in till I blackout and forgot what I did, or threaten to **** somebody
I get even by doing better - by proving myself right
My mentor told me when people show you trash you show them class
So I get even by having integrity in my actions

Cause all those negative people want is to see me stuck in the same place
Stuck in a worse situation than them
Because it makes them feel good about themselves
And it makes their life look better than mine
Because misery isn’t happy unless it has company
By Shannon Pollard
©Summer 2013

Sometimes I can't sleep at night
Because of my dreams
Makes me come up with these crazy schemes
Anger and regrets creep into my dreams
Turns Into nightmares when I run away from my tears.
Everyone just whispers and stares
Can they smell my fear?
It hits me like a glare in my eyes
Can they see my demise?
Can they see I despise myself and I try to disguise myself?
Hiding behind attitude and suppressed pain puts a strain on me
Drains away my youthful energy.
But not all dreams are bad
Sometimes relax and look at the sky
I’m a bird soaring away as I look down at my problems
My eyes begins to illuminate when speculating the world
Know they're is something is far beyond self and human desires
More than the stars in the sky
Wondering how far can I go?
There are no boundaries
Just have to keep belly empty and head full of dreams
I am who I want to be
I define myself.
By Shannon Pollard
© 2006

Live life learn lessons
Nothing to have faith in
This ensnaring world can't be trusted
One day all this will deteriorate chopping my dignity into molecules
Nothing is eternal except God
Relinquish my soul in His spirit
Prayed for so long He never answered on my
Realizing my blessing after all the stressing
And misdirection being a subordinate
Having misconceptions about life maturing into a black man
Always in someone’s shadow
No role model to model to emulate.
Walking a narrow path in self-pity
Time
Patience wearing thin
Young and angry at my lowest point puffing a joint
Exhaling the Holy Ghost limited happiness
Clouded by negativity I cursed Him out everyday
When I was overwhelmed
He lifted my gifts that I was negligent to see
Mistaken recollections reversed
Not being analytical heaven and hell are transparent
X-ray eyes see what mind ejected from heart
After a decade not being faithful to myself.
© 2006

IF ONLY YOU KNEW HOW MUCH I MISS YOU
SHOULDN'T HAVE DISSED YOU I WOULD TAKE IT ALL BACK
IF I COULD JUST KISS YOU ONE LAST TIME
SHOULD HAVE LOOKED AT THE SIGNS WAS SO BLIND.
HOOKED UP THESE RHYMES TO SAY HOW I FEEL
INVITE YOU INTO MY MIND
DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY TIMES A DAY I THINK ABOUT YOU?
HOW LONELY I AM WITHOUT YOU
MY EMOTIONS SWING FROM HAPPY TO SAD.
WISHING I WOULD BUMP INTO YOU
SO I CAN SEE YOUR STYLE AND SEE YOU SMILE ONCE MORE
SOMETIMES I DONT WANT TO HEAR YOUR NAME OR YOUR VOICE
SO I HAVE TO MAKE A CHOICE
I CHOOSE TO FORGET YOU EXIST.
EVEN THOUGH IM NOT ALL TOGETHER WITHOUT YOU
YOU CAN'T SEE HOW THIS PAIN IS MAKING ME HYSTERICAL
IT’S A SHAME
GUESS I PLAYED TO MUCH GAMES
YOU WENT FOR THE FAME.
LEFT A STAIN ON MY CHAMBERED WALLS
IT HIT STRAIGHT IN THE MIDDLE LIKE A DART
WE LOST OUR SPARK BUT I LEFT MY MARK
I WAS THE FIRST TO GET TO YOUR HEART
YOU ALWAYS REMEMBER YOUR FIRST AS YOUR LAST.
IT’S NOT EASY TO SHATTER LIKE GLASS
EVEN IF IT’S THE PAST
THESE FLASH BACKS GOT ME WISHING YOU WOULD COME BACK TO ME
LOVE CAN’T BE HIDDEN UNDER A COVER.
IT CAN ONLY MAKE YOU THOUGHER
CANT BE BOUGHT OR BE TAUGHT
YOU FIND IT ON YOUR OWN
YOU'LL KNOW IT WHEN YOU SEE BECAUSE YOU'LL FEEL IT
YOU CAN’T FIGHT IT SO YOU CAN ONLY ENJOY IT.
IF YOU KNEW HOW HARD IT IS TO LET YOU GO
WITHOUT LETTING YOU KNOW EXACTLY HOW I FEEL
EVERY TIME I TRY YOU MAKE ME WANT TO CRY
DIFFERENT TIMES YOU PASS BY I WANT TO DIE
WE CAN’T BE FRIENDS
BECAUSE MY REPRESSED FEELING IS STILL THERE.

Shannon pollard
January 1, 2007

Knowledge Wisdom and Understanding

Hello my name is Shannon
I read books, haters gives crazy looks
But they don’t say much to my face

I’m not worried cause
I’m laced up with God’s grace
I don’t need to brag because I know
My chocolate stick fits comfortable in a mag-num
This low-key freak can make any woman ***

I’m a grown man and that loves: cartoons,
Science fiction television shows and romantic movies/songs
I’m grateful for who I am and where I come from
And my friends, family, and spiritual family accepts me
So that makes me the ****

Met you not long ago
Didn’t think much about you just family u know
But the more u spoke the more you flowed and the more
I saw the more u let me know.
Don’t ever judge a book by its cover  cuz u mad dusty
But under the wear and tear of age lies a man who has
Acquired wisdom beyond his years. Tears have been shed
Blood has been bled but you still live on, strong
Not letting anyone get u down. Let not a frown linger
On yaw face u may not know but through your grace you
Have thought me how to be what I am now to that
I say thank you and yea by the way happy belated lol.

I write because if I don't
I would literally die go insane
From all the drama that life
is putting me through right now
I'm dealing with most of it on my own while
keeping everything bottled up on the inside
I can't make certain people listen to me
or care what I have to say

If it wasn't for writing
I would have never found out what my talent is
I always wondered what my purpose is for being alive
Am I just going to be another black
statistic with a chip on my shoulder

Not caring about myself or others,
just doing things that gives me quick gratification
Not knowing that I was
destroying myself internally
with drugs and alcohol,
or trying to satisfy this void
in my life with money .

I don't know
what I would do if couldn't write
This pen, paper and these words are the only
worldly things I can depend on.
There is never any
backstabbing or mistrust going on,
writing picks me up when
I'm down.

Shannon Pollard
© Summer, 2007

Six days ago had *** with you 60 times
You screamed out my name in 60 lines
You turn me on with your **** body and hair like silk
With sweat dripping down your body
I can get a sip of your chocolate milk
Not a new born but I can **** you dry as a desert
For 60 minutes I was in heaven
My **** went in and out like the 7/11

Sitting down all day just thinking doesn’t accomplish anything
Thoughts without action is no reaction
It’s waiting around contemplating about problems
But not doing anything to solve them

You have to think before you speak or write
Before you get on that mic
You strategize about what clothes to wear before you leave the house
Every day is a decision made with precision

Day dreaming is just dreams
Until it turns into actions that speak louder than words
Do something towards your goals
Before your old age takes is toll
Because trying to survive in this cold hearted world isn’t easy

But actions made just on emotions
Without thinking or planning
Leads to destruction of any production

So choose what’s best for you,
Wait on God as much as you can,
Stand for something so that you won’t fall for anything,
Always make a decision knowing
That the choice was your responsibility not someone else’s

Shannon Pollard
© May 12, 2007

I can’t complain
2My parents, grandmother and all my brothers are alive & healthy
I have a place to stay, clothes on my back,
Food in the refrigerator, socks and shoes on my feet
I can’t complain
I don’t have 4 babies kids that
I’m struggling to take care of
I don’t have any baby mama issues in my life
I’m not on the Maury Povich show because some women
That I slept with want me to take a blood test
I can’t complain
I have working arms, legs, eyes, organs,
And I can breathe without a an oxygen mask
I don’t have any mental or physical diseases
I’m not on probation, CCP
And I don’t have a misdemeanor or
Minor misdemeanor on my record
I can’t complain
I have 2 bank accounts with money in both of them
I have Jesus Christ and lots of other people who love me
I’m like Tony the Tiger from the
Frosted Flakes commercials
Yelling: I feel great
By Shannon Pollard
©Summer 2013

My mind has a million thoughts per second everyday
One of those seconds it dwells on you
Why you so cool, girl?
My heart defrosts when I see your pretty face, voluptuous
lips, black silky hair
And hear your soft, innocent voice
You get on nerves
I Wanna just leave you alone like everybody else I can't
stand
You never let things go
Knocking the walls I set up in this maze
You saw through all the smog and haze
Caught me on all my *******
Why do you consistently keep trying
Where someone else either wouldn't have given a **** or
would have given up?
I can count on you to always be there to bug the hell out
of me
Until you get to the bottom of the situation
Not because you want something or to make me feel bad
But because you cared to stare darkness in the face
We might have a lot of issues
We argue a lot
It don't change how we feel about each other
Regardless of what people think
Just wanted to say that I love you, my one and only
**** other people
We have spiritual attraction that is worth more than ***
I wanna be with you forever if I could
Shannon Pollard
© Fall, 2006

Forgiveness chills
  

I’m lying in my bed the yellow lights are off

My television is on but I’m listing to my radio

Wearing

Black basketball shorts and a white T-shirt

Feeling kind of sick in my heart

I’ve been passing away for years

But I’m afraid to share my fears

To anyone most people don’t care about what I have to say

Especially if it’s about my problems

This pen is my blood and the paper is my flesh

This is my world

Nobody can tell me what to say, how to think, or how to feel

I’m not soft, or gay; not a *****

I can cry all day if I want too

I’m my own man and ill stand my ground for what I believe in

First thing I want to say I miss you daddy

But when you came over last summer I was 20 years old

I still hated you for what you put me, my brother, and my mom through

I wondered to myself how she could forgive you after all you did

You weren’t really there for me growing up because you were drunk

You made me feel worthless with your words of encouragement

When I was 9 years old why did

You always compare me to the other kids?

Wasn’t I good enough just being your son?

If I’m your favorite why when I didn’t know something or disappointed you, hitting me was your only option?

Wasn’t I smart enough for you?

Why couldn’t I watch cartoons when I was over your house at 10 years old were I too immature for you?

Do you know that I still watch cartoons now at 21?

Am I being childish for enjoying the amusement from it?

My brother thinks I am but he’s holding on to the past

Sometimes I watch TV to escape my problems

And some things I do not want to talk about because it’s too hard for me to express my true feelings

And I tend to judge myself really quickly I don’t think I have to say doesn’t matter because my needs wont be met, because people just don’t care I am always second place, if I try to change that I’ll be acting selfish to my friends and family, plus they just don’t understand me so I am like ***** it why does it matter and I develop a not give a **** attitude towards the situation

What can I do

I can’t change people’s opinions about me?

That’s why I write instead of speaking my thoughts

I can gather my scrambled up emotions together

Because If I say exactly what’s on my mind most likely it going to be negative and hurtful or sometimes my accent gets in the way and I get frustrated and I loose my temper because I’m sensitive so usually I hold stuff on the inside

Until I

Explode with anger and I end up feeling misunderstood

And people think I’m crazy

And I have to apologize for my actions

That’s ****** up

I can’t be nice all the time

I deserve to be heard and seen in my family

But the way that you and mom raised me to never be disrespectful to my parents or other adults

But I’m so angry

I wish that you were a better father

Maybe my child hood would have felt less isolated

But I sit here in this cold hard corner in my

Mind

I might as well be locked up in a cage

With nothing but stale bread and water to eat

I used to starve myself from food and love

For myself growing up

I

Thought that I deserved to feel like dirt

I am a bad child that cursed his peer’s everyday

Because I felt different and I couldn’t speak English clearly

But my brothers had no problems fitting in

I never had real friends they either backstabbed me or they only wanted me for my money

My mom couldn’t really be there for me because she had to work during the weekdays

Maybe I was being to clingy but what do you expect

When people you love either leave you or let you down all the time

Plus I was separated from my mom for 4 years

She and my

Grandmother were the only ones there for me

When you were absent from your responsibility

But they couldn’t teach me how to be a man

I wish that someone would have told me growing that I’m ok to just being myself

I can cry and if I make a mistake I shouldn’t beat myself up

Don’t be mad at yourself or your life, you’re not a loser,

And you’re not Gay for being sensitive or compassionate,

Love yourself first no matter what bad things people say about you you’re a good person and you’re not crazy

Go get whatever you want in life

(Shannon) you can have anything or anyone if you try hard even if you fall a 100 times

Just because you don’t get things done as fast as other people doesn’t mean that you’re slow or weak

Dad you should have been there by my side

Telling me all those things but you’re not here

When I speak to you on the phone I don’t listen to you not just because I want to be stubborn but because I don’t trust myself enough to embrace your love and your advice



I always second guess your words to see if they’re genuine

Because I’ve been hurt so much that I don’t know who to Trust?

Sometimes I don’t act myself because I’m always worried about what other people think

Wondering if they like me for me or what I have sometimes

I’d bend over backwards so I can make people happy



Now I consistently analyze people’s words and actions to see if it’s an act.

Dad I need your help can you give me another chance to forgive you and other people for hurting me?

Its hardest things for me to do

I’m scared that if I let go how things are going to change

Will anyone I know be there to catch my wondering soul?

If I release this control I think I have over my life will happiness come knocking at my door?

Will I finally find out what love is?

Then maybe I’ll love myself and my life?

Should I take a leap of Faith?



I love you dad please forgive me

So I can forgive myself

Thank you.

Written By
© Shannon Pollard

Met you at my job.                            two and a half months ago.                                                      I revolve my life around
being being single, playing the field and not having any kids to worry about cause I didn't have any.               I wasn't looking for nothing from you                                                       I didn't have much but the: checks, bills, bank accounts, groceries, food, a few clothes, my financial independence, and a relationship doesn't give me **** but soap opera version of love. So **** love because its not like how they show it on those TV, the DVDs, CDs, radio or the movie, life is not perfect and neither are people. But here I am again walking this tight rope 50ft above, more terrified of a relationship than death itself. You have a kid, you're a few years older than me, you have two jobs, a car, a mortgage and ****** appetite that overshadows mine. Yet I see this amazing woman that motivates herself to go work several jobs every week, keeps a lingering smile on her face, loves her son unconditionally, takes care of her home and professional life, is grounded in church/God and has dreams that would make a real man want to step his game up to be be next to her when she touches the stars.                                                      You make me want to put my insecurities, pride, control and excuses on the back-bunner and just enjoy the time that I get to spend with you.                                                      You're the kind of woman that makes me believed that I could be the kind of guy that says honey I'm home when he enters his house, instead of thinking to myself why the hell did I marry or had a baby with this crazy ***** and actually mean it.                                                          I don't know if you're the one or my soulmate, but I know that you make me a happier human being and I don't want to see you with another guy.                                                       I know that I'm crazy for trying this again but I would be insane for not giving you a chance, when I tried with all those girls who were wrong for me.

Gotta make that money
Till it' sunny
Cause honey doesn’t
Want to be with no brother that’s bummy
But once you go black you never go back cause
I got more Mack that a apple computer
I just have to stay
Hungry, humble and honest
And my future will be brighter than the moons of Jupiter

So I was at church last year I prayed like I usually do but this time is was different my mind was not lost or trapped in prison. I was on my knees and i had a sincere conversation with God, when i prayed in tongues. I saw myself in a white suit not sure why I was in a white suit but I was genuinely at peace and relaxed on the inside, I wasn't happy, I didnt have a fake smile or I wasn't trying to get through the day with smart-*** jokes. There was a light and there was a soft compassionate voice that told me that everything was going to be alright you'll have that good wife and live out a good life. I knew that the voice wasn't mines because most of  the things I hear in my head are negative discussions about myself. The voice said that your family will be free from: all binding chains, all curses, all pain, all obstacles, all unforgiveness, cycles and thoughts of suicidals; and you will be the tool/vessel that will be used to deliver my blessings, I think about that message from God when I'm feeling down or useless and it uplifts my spirit because, it's a path and a light at the end of the tunnel because sometimes: goals fail,
you work hard but you don't get that promotion or the brown noser who doesn't work gets more appreciation than you, the girl thinks that the guy who beats her silly or emotionally abuses her is good enough for her, being alone ***** but settling for someone who doesnt care about you or your hapiness is like a coyote caught in a trap that chews its leg off to escape. I thank God for wgat I have and I also thank him for keeping me being caught up in situations or relationships that I dont have no business in the first place. My mentortold me nothing that's worthwhile is easy, so try hard, try harder and then try even harder.

Don't ask or seek anyone's permission to be happy take it, it's yours.                                                                     You don't need someone's help to hate or dislike another person, so why do you put other people's opinion over yours when it comes to your happiness.                                                       ­  Why do you need them to say good job for you to be satisfied with your work, value your talents, your gifts or your great ideas. Most of the time is some if the time these people that you're seeking validation from are going through personal issues, are not qualified for the job or they don't care about you or they don't care about themselves enough to be a consistent uplifting group or individual in your life. Letting go doesn't mean giving up, outgrowing them doesn't mean that you think that you're better than them, puting yourself first when you need too; doesn't mean that you're selfish, narcissistic or that you're a bad person. People boasting about themselves or someone else while tearing you down doesn't need that you need to compare yourself and feel like you're not good enough or that you need to prove that you're good enough, often times that person saying those things are deflecting or projecting their own insecurities or weaknesses on you. Sometimes it's the people that you love that have bad intentions, low opinions, are intentionally discouraging, cause alot of drama, don't take much responsibility for their choices or dislike you for you just being alive or being yourself. I know it's wierd, sick and ****** huh, especially when you come from a family, environment that don't tell you these things or they went through it too but they ignore and move on but the cycle is still there and they're still carrying the pain underneath the surface. It ***** but as long as you're alive and have physical mobility you're capable of making a great life for yourself, you have a responsibility to make **** those haters off with your successful choices, you don't need to self sabotage, beat yourself up for your mistakes because you have perfectionist behaviors or ideas about life, you don't need have a bad day because someone else is having terrible day or everything isn't going their way, you don't have to agree with everything that a certain group feels because they might shame, verbally abuse you or spread rumors about you. You're strong enough take it, and you're wise enough to know your weaknesses and step away and work on your weaknesses to make them your strengths, you're confident enough to be alone when to need to be instead of hanging out with bad company thst use you as their cheerleader while, they give you nothing in return except for pain.