Don't ask or seek anyone's permission to be happy take it, it's yours.                                                                     You don't need someone's help to hate or dislike another person, so why do you put other people's opinion over yours when it comes to your happiness.                                                       ­  Why do you need them to say good job for you to be satisfied with your work, value your talents, your gifts or your great ideas. Most of the time is some if the time these people that you're seeking validation from are going through personal issues, are not qualified for the job or they don't care about you or they don't care about themselves enough to be a consistent uplifting group or individual in your life. Letting go doesn't mean giving up, outgrowing them doesn't mean that you think that you're better than them, puting yourself first when you need too; doesn't mean that you're selfish, narcissistic or that you're a bad person. People boasting about themselves or someone else while tearing you down doesn't need that you need to compare yourself and feel like you're not good enough or that you need to prove that you're good enough, often times that person saying those things are deflecting or projecting their own insecurities or weaknesses on you. Sometimes it's the people that you love that have bad intentions, low opinions, are intentionally discouraging, cause alot of drama, don't take much responsibility for their choices or dislike you for you just being alive or being yourself. I know it's wierd, sick and ****** huh, especially when you come from a family, environment that don't tell you these things or they went through it too but they ignore and move on but the cycle is still there and they're still carrying the pain underneath the surface. It ***** but as long as you're alive and have physical mobility you're capable of making a great life for yourself, you have a responsibility to make **** those haters off with your successful choices, you don't need to self sabotage, beat yourself up for your mistakes because you have perfectionist behaviors or ideas about life, you don't need have a bad day because someone else is having terrible day or everything isn't going their way, you don't have to agree with everything that a certain group feels because they might shame, verbally abuse you or spread rumors about you. You're strong enough take it, and you're wise enough to know your weaknesses and step away and work on your weaknesses to make them your strengths, you're confident enough to be alone when to need to be instead of hanging out with bad company thst use you as their cheerleader while, they give you nothing in return except for pain.

So I was at church last year I prayed like I usually do but this time is was different my mind was not lost or trapped in prison. I was on my knees and i had a sincere conversation with God, when i prayed in tongues. I saw myself in a white suit not sure why I was in a white suit but I was genuinely at peace and relaxed on the inside, I wasn't happy, I didnt have a fake smile or I wasn't trying to get through the day with smart-*** jokes. There was a light and there was a soft compassionate voice that told me that everything was going to be alright you'll have that good wife and live out a good life. I knew that the voice wasn't mines because most of  the things I hear in my head are negative discussions about myself. The voice said that your family will be free from: all binding chains, all curses, all pain, all obstacles, all unforgiveness, cycles and thoughts of suicidals; and you will be the tool/vessel that will be used to deliver my blessings, I think about that message from God when I'm feeling down or useless and it uplifts my spirit because, it's a path and a light at the end of the tunnel because sometimes: goals fail,
you work hard but you don't get that promotion or the brown noser who doesn't work gets more appreciation than you, the girl thinks that the guy who beats her silly or emotionally abuses her is good enough for her, being alone ***** but settling for someone who doesnt care about you or your hapiness is like a coyote caught in a trap that chews its leg off to escape. I thank God for wgat I have and I also thank him for keeping me being caught up in situations or relationships that I dont have no business in the first place. My mentortold me nothing that's worthwhile is easy, so try hard, try harder and then try even harder.

Knowledge Wisdom and Understanding

Hello my name is Shannon
I read books, haters gives crazy looks
But they don’t say much to my face

I’m not worried cause
I’m laced up with God’s grace
I don’t need to brag because I know
My chocolate stick fits comfortable in a mag-num
This low-key freak can make any woman ***

I’m a grown man and that loves: cartoons,
Science fiction television shows and romantic movies/songs
I’m grateful for who I am and where I come from
And my friends, family, and spiritual family accepts me
So that makes me the ****

Forgiveness chills
  

I’m lying in my bed the yellow lights are off

My television is on but I’m listing to my radio

Wearing

Black basketball shorts and a white T-shirt

Feeling kind of sick in my heart

I’ve been passing away for years

But I’m afraid to share my fears

To anyone most people don’t care about what I have to say

Especially if it’s about my problems

This pen is my blood and the paper is my flesh

This is my world

Nobody can tell me what to say, how to think, or how to feel

I’m not soft, or gay; not a *****

I can cry all day if I want too

I’m my own man and ill stand my ground for what I believe in

First thing I want to say I miss you daddy

But when you came over last summer I was 20 years old

I still hated you for what you put me, my brother, and my mom through

I wondered to myself how she could forgive you after all you did

You weren’t really there for me growing up because you were drunk

You made me feel worthless with your words of encouragement

When I was 9 years old why did

You always compare me to the other kids?

Wasn’t I good enough just being your son?

If I’m your favorite why when I didn’t know something or disappointed you, hitting me was your only option?

Wasn’t I smart enough for you?

Why couldn’t I watch cartoons when I was over your house at 10 years old were I too immature for you?

Do you know that I still watch cartoons now at 21?

Am I being childish for enjoying the amusement from it?

My brother thinks I am but he’s holding on to the past

Sometimes I watch TV to escape my problems

And some things I do not want to talk about because it’s too hard for me to express my true feelings

And I tend to judge myself really quickly I don’t think I have to say doesn’t matter because my needs wont be met, because people just don’t care I am always second place, if I try to change that I’ll be acting selfish to my friends and family, plus they just don’t understand me so I am like ***** it why does it matter and I develop a not give a **** attitude towards the situation

What can I do

I can’t change people’s opinions about me?

That’s why I write instead of speaking my thoughts

I can gather my scrambled up emotions together

Because If I say exactly what’s on my mind most likely it going to be negative and hurtful or sometimes my accent gets in the way and I get frustrated and I loose my temper because I’m sensitive so usually I hold stuff on the inside

Until I

Explode with anger and I end up feeling misunderstood

And people think I’m crazy

And I have to apologize for my actions

That’s ****** up

I can’t be nice all the time

I deserve to be heard and seen in my family

But the way that you and mom raised me to never be disrespectful to my parents or other adults

But I’m so angry

I wish that you were a better father

Maybe my child hood would have felt less isolated

But I sit here in this cold hard corner in my

Mind

I might as well be locked up in a cage

With nothing but stale bread and water to eat

I used to starve myself from food and love

For myself growing up

I

Thought that I deserved to feel like dirt

I am a bad child that cursed his peer’s everyday

Because I felt different and I couldn’t speak English clearly

But my brothers had no problems fitting in

I never had real friends they either backstabbed me or they only wanted me for my money

My mom couldn’t really be there for me because she had to work during the weekdays

Maybe I was being to clingy but what do you expect

When people you love either leave you or let you down all the time

Plus I was separated from my mom for 4 years

She and my

Grandmother were the only ones there for me

When you were absent from your responsibility

But they couldn’t teach me how to be a man

I wish that someone would have told me growing that I’m ok to just being myself

I can cry and if I make a mistake I shouldn’t beat myself up

Don’t be mad at yourself or your life, you’re not a loser,

And you’re not Gay for being sensitive or compassionate,

Love yourself first no matter what bad things people say about you you’re a good person and you’re not crazy

Go get whatever you want in life

(Shannon) you can have anything or anyone if you try hard even if you fall a 100 times

Just because you don’t get things done as fast as other people doesn’t mean that you’re slow or weak

Dad you should have been there by my side

Telling me all those things but you’re not here

When I speak to you on the phone I don’t listen to you not just because I want to be stubborn but because I don’t trust myself enough to embrace your love and your advice



I always second guess your words to see if they’re genuine

Because I’ve been hurt so much that I don’t know who to Trust?

Sometimes I don’t act myself because I’m always worried about what other people think

Wondering if they like me for me or what I have sometimes

I’d bend over backwards so I can make people happy



Now I consistently analyze people’s words and actions to see if it’s an act.

Dad I need your help can you give me another chance to forgive you and other people for hurting me?

Its hardest things for me to do

I’m scared that if I let go how things are going to change

Will anyone I know be there to catch my wondering soul?

If I release this control I think I have over my life will happiness come knocking at my door?

Will I finally find out what love is?

Then maybe I’ll love myself and my life?

Should I take a leap of Faith?



I love you dad please forgive me

So I can forgive myself

Thank you.

Written By
© Shannon Pollard

Met you not long ago
Didn’t think much about you just family u know
But the more u spoke the more you flowed and the more
I saw the more u let me know.
Don’t ever judge a book by its cover  cuz u mad dusty
But under the wear and tear of age lies a man who has
Acquired wisdom beyond his years. Tears have been shed
Blood has been bled but you still live on, strong
Not letting anyone get u down. Let not a frown linger
On yaw face u may not know but through your grace you
Have thought me how to be what I am now to that
I say thank you and yea by the way happy belated lol.

Met you at my job.                            two and a half months ago.                                                      I revolve my life around
being being single, playing the field and not having any kids to worry about cause I didn't have any.               I wasn't looking for nothing from you                                                       I didn't have much but the: checks, bills, bank accounts, groceries, food, a few clothes, my financial independence, and a relationship doesn't give me **** but soap opera version of love. So **** love because its not like how they show it on those TV, the DVDs, CDs, radio or the movie, life is not perfect and neither are people. But here I am again walking this tight rope 50ft above, more terrified of a relationship than death itself. You have a kid, you're a few years older than me, you have two jobs, a car, a mortgage and ****** appetite that overshadows mine. Yet I see this amazing woman that motivates herself to go work several jobs every week, keeps a lingering smile on her face, loves her son unconditionally, takes care of her home and professional life, is grounded in church/God and has dreams that would make a real man want to step his game up to be be next to her when she touches the stars.                                                      You make me want to put my insecurities, pride, control and excuses on the back-bunner and just enjoy the time that I get to spend with you.                                                      You're the kind of woman that makes me believed that I could be the kind of guy that says honey I'm home when he enters his house, instead of thinking to myself why the hell did I marry or had a baby with this crazy ***** and actually mean it.                                                          I don't know if you're the one or my soulmate, but I know that you make me a happier human being and I don't want to see you with another guy.                                                       I know that I'm crazy for trying this again but I would be insane for not giving you a chance, when I tried with all those girls who were wrong for me.

Six days ago had *** with you 60 times
You screamed out my name in 60 lines
You turn me on with your **** body and hair like silk
With sweat dripping down your body
I can get a sip of your chocolate milk
Not a new born but I can **** you dry as a desert
For 60 minutes I was in heaven
My **** went in and out like the 7/11