thank you for my friends,
for those looking out for me,
and for my family who loves me,
for the talent you gave my hands,
for the food on my plate,
and the chance to live again this day.

thank you for my life,
for the joys,
as well as for the pains,
for the quiet moments and for the noise,
for they have shown me what you created
in me,
and open the door to what you are making me into.

thank you.

the river was glass this morning,
a serene reflection of a city full of
hopes and dreams,
of people moving about our small lives,
trying each day to scratch and claw at bedrock,
to make a living out of nothing.
under the surface of that glass,
a teeming current pulls,
the driving force behind the facade -
why we must continue.
why i must press onward.

it's supposed to slow down,
the surge of adrenaline leaves
and slowly, the body returns to rest.

but sometimes,
when you do something so scary,
so foreign,
so unlike anything you've ever done before,
the beat of your heart doesn't stop,
can't stop,
won't stop,
won't let you sleep,
won't let you eat,
won't let you slow down,
won't let you move,
just sit there,
listening to the rampaging rhythmic  thudding
of your heart as it threatens to leap from your chest,
and run out of the room screaming,
and you can't stop it.

and you're not sure if you should want it to stop or not.

too busy to write,
to think about the things i want,
those deep-down punch-the-gut
things i don't like to talk about at parties,
always making excuses,
apologies,
looking somewhere else because I have to
deal with this or that or the next -
never my time to do with what I want,
i need a 36-hour day,
just to do the wants,
but the minute they give it to me, you know
the Boss will want more, and the commitments will want more and everything will just **** my time away again,
and there will be none left for writing
about the things i want to write about.
and will they matter anyway - or is that my own delusion?

the demon lies in the abyss,
gaping maw open and silent,
heady breath that draws you to it
like the sweet perfumes of a long-forgotten moment.
you stand on the edge and look down,
you can't see the devil,
only the inky dark of the chasm.
and then it winks at you,
sees you, knows you by name,
and calls you to it.
some follow the call, some escape.
of those who follow, i know nothing,
but i escaped with cruel knowledge,
that the demon knows me,
and is lurking at the bottom of every abyss,
and i cannot be rid of it.
i can only stand firm on the surface,
and wink back into the darkness,
and walk away again.

i was a child, and could not understand,
there was no frame of reference,
i did not know
i was living a criminal's existence,
uncomprehending that my actions caused
the hurt and pain of others.
i was never taught that
by merely existing and accepting a process
of how the world worked
i was accepting the sin of generations.
even when i was older and could see with
perfect backward vision the revisionist history
of what was done and why
i could not see the enslavement of a race of Man,
no longer with chains and whips,
but of finance and education,
a system of enslavement through jealousy,
to make "them" feel equal to "us"
by acquiring trapping and trinkets,
only to keep forcing newer and better things
into an already gluttonous marketplace
and calling this new slavery "economic independence."

my crime?
i was born into this system, and i have done little to change it,
considering myself open to thoughts and ideas,
but never giving them a chance,
never committing myself wholly,
but always trying to "temper with reason."
i did not make the system - but i am a part of it,
and i no longer wish to be so.

it was magic,
anticipation hung in the air
with every moment,
a wonderment consumed my child-mind
and turned chaos into perfect order
as i dreamed about the morning of christmas.

it's cold, now,
and i hate the garish colors and flashing lights,
the constant demands upon time and money,
and the persistence of those around me that we should all "be happy,"
as though acting happy is an instantaneous cure-all.
they should say, "i don't want to deal with **** - so shut up."
and go back to pretending everything is good.