let me start from the beginning

you had always been a selfish man
always thought you were right
it always had to go your way
you always got what you wanted

you physically and mentally abusive *******

im old enough now to understand pain
youre the cause of it

you should have abandoned us earlier
it wouldnt have hurt this badly

we want you to come home
we need you
we need help
but you dont care

i dont have a father

i see you once a week if im lucky
even when youre around
it doesnt feel like youre there

i hope you like being alone
because youll never be accepted back into this family
enjoy all of the materials you took from us
i hope they make you happier than we do

dad, you were always wrong
you make stupid and selfish decisions
youre a disappointment
youre a liar

sometimes i miss you
but im mostly angry with you

you found my beautiful mother
you created me
you created my younger brother

you wont see us grow into mature and successful adults
your wife
my lovely mother
has men kissing her feet

so why would we need you anymore
we dont want a part-time father
we dont want you at all

It's late, and I'm sad. I've been crying, I've been thinking.
If I just disappeared, who would miss me? Who would notice? Who would try to find me?
I can't determine my death, but fate can.
Unless I tamper with my destiny, and make it what I want it to be.
I could easily **** myself, without pain, or with it.
I want to fall asleep, dream of a perfect world, and never wake up.
I could easily find a knife, or a razor, I could bleed out.
I could overdose on painkillers, because I have them right at my fingertips.
I could drown, or hang myself, or shoot myself.
I could jump off a bridge, or a building.
I could do all of this, and I do consider it, but I could never fulfill it.
The thought of death calms me, my soul wouldn't inhabit the body I have now.
I'd be free, free from reality, and worries.
I wouldn't carry this life on, it would just end.
Who would it effect? Who would finally acknowledge who I am?
People who once hated me, or talked **** about me, would all of a sudden care.
They would say, "what a shame, she was so beautiful."
People lie, they're careless, thinking words don't hurt.
They have no idea what I go through, what I think about, what I want to do.
I couldn't leave my mom, she's holding me back.
I wouldn't live for anyone else.
If I died, I would be remembered, but remembered as a girl who was too weak and broken to live,
too sad to move forward.
People would move on, and I'd be pushed to the back of their minds.
If I could simply die without anyone knowing, I wouldn't be here now.

anxiety gets the best of me
and i dont know where to turn
should i accept the weight on my chest
and let myself crash and burn?

i feel suffocated
i can hear my heart pound
sometimes i wish i was dead
little does everyone know
im going crazy within my own head

i came across these little pills
meant to help the pain
they keep me calm
like the relaxing sound of rain

i wish i could make this on my own
but i realized i need help
ive been asking for support
like a dog begging for attention, letting out a yelp

something is holding me back
i cant get what i need
in the mean time ill be waiting
left alone to bleed

ill be taking those little pills i love so much
to keep my mind at ease
they keep me going everyday
but before i become addicted
i need help, please

if you only knew how many tears rolled down my cheeks,
you being the reason behind them.
you told me i was beautiful inside and out, i believed you.
little did i know, you'd be so quick to get up and leave.
like you never meant a word you said.
my pillows are stained with my tears, from crying so late at night.
that's when i think of you the most, wishing you were beside me.
brushing my hair back with your fingers,
kissing every part of my body,
wrapping me up into your arms,
holding me as though you would never let me go.

you let me go.

if youre looking down on me
send me guidance
send me luck
send me love

thats all i desire

i need to vent.
**** the rhyme schemes,
**** a deeper meaning,
and **** the complex words.

i'm holding back tears,
choking on sobs,
it hurts my throat.

in the beginning,
i didn't want to be with you,
i wasn't ready,
i liked being alone.

i gave you a chance.
now, i'm falling for you.
head over heels, hopelessly in love.
you're different.

you make me happy,
you are the reason why i get out of bed in the morning.
you make me feel beautiful,
inside and out.
you are flawless, you are my heaven on earth.

i'm over thinking things,
but i can feel you getting distant.
i don't want to hurt,
i need you to stay.

i'll be good to you
i'll be everything you need
and more.
i want you to want me,
i need you to need me,
i need you to love me too.

you had taught me how to love
and made me believe that it would last forever
you put up with my mood swings
my mental breakdowns
held me when i was sad
wiped my tears away
you listened to me when i rambled on about my father
who had left out of the blue
you told me everything was going to be okay
because you promised you would be there for me
you knew what i was feeling even when i didnt say a word
you knew me better than i knew myself
but you lead me on to believe you would be by my side forever
through thick and thin
yet here i am
alone
heartbroken
you told me you were disappointed in me
and my lack of motivtion
because i was glued to bed
because i was depressed
and you left
because "you didnt want to be in a relationship"
but you and i both know
you didnt want to support me
you had your own problems to worry about

My dreams lately have been vivid,
I didn't know they were dreams until I was awakened into reality.
What is reality?
It's an illusion, it's what we make it.
What if our dreams are reality, and reality is nothing but a dream?

i thought i knew you,
but deep within, you are not who you say you are.
no one knows the real you, but i found you.
i know who you really are.

i've known you for a while,
oh, how lovely i thought you were.
i opened my eyes,
i saw the lies concealed within what i believed was the truth.

you don't love me.
one day you will come to your senses,
you will realize who you really want.
it isn't me who you crave.

Trust no one
Keep your ******* guards up
At all ******* times
You never know who will stab you in the back
You never know when
But it will happen
At some point

Nothing bothers me more
Than not knowing what is running through your mind
When you are silent
When you are not beside me

without you
i don't know where i'd be
or if i'd be

My mother and I
We are the same
We procrastinate
We take long showers
We share the same features
Most importantly
We like to sleep
We are the same
Because we would sleep forever
We would sleep forever together
We would die together
If it meant we dreamt together
We would die
If we could hold hands
On our way to a happier place
Reality is depression
And death is happiness

i can honestly say,
there hasnt been
      one day
in the past year
where i havent been
          anxious,
                       stressed,
                                     scared.

but lately,
i have been free
from
       suffering,
              and
                   worrying.

for the first time
in a long time
i am
        happy,
                   relieved,
                                content,
                              with being.

i never thought
i would make it
                          this far.

I want ease of being
To be free from suffering
To be content
With myself
With my life