Every night I empty my heart, but by morning it’s full again
Slow droplets of you seep in through the night’s soft caress
At dawn I overflow with thoughts of us
And aching pleasure that gives me no respite
Love cannot be contained
The neat packaging of desire splits asunder
Spilling crimson through my days
Long languishing days that are now bruised tender with yearning
Spent searching for a fingerprint, a scent, a breath you left behind.

– Shamim Sarif, “I Can’t Think Straight”

If you were to look at me
What would you see?

My curves are too curved.
My stretch marks unsightly.
My hips are too wide
As is my back-side.
Not to mention...
My double chins.

Don't worry. I notice them too.
I critique and I catalogue,
Every time I look in the mirror.
I have an on-going list of my faults.
But I'm sorry to say
At the end of it all
Really and truly..
I love my body.

The way it moves when I dance to the music.
The sighs and the shivers it makes when you touch it.
The way that it perfectly bore my first child.
The creases that appear every time I smile.

Do I sometimes wish my stomach was a little flatter?
Do I long for it to not be so difficult to not be a little fatter?
Well..
Maybe.
Sure.
Yeah.

But I love it, the way it is today.
I'm sorry if that does not suit you.
But it's all I need for it to suit me.

The day I left you, I don't remember a whole lot.
I remember anger. Yelling. Crying. I remember feeling my heart being ripped out of my chest. I remember being scared.

The months following that fateful day, I don't remember a whole lot.
I don't remember a lot of eating, because I didn't.
I remember feeling lost.
I remember feeling terrified.
I remember barely being able to discern which was was up and which way was down.
I remember waking up and having to remind myself...
No, that wasn't a dream. Your heart is still broken.
I remember reminding myself to breathe, to get out of bed, to feed your daughter, keep her alive.
I remember feeling like a crazy person.

I remember feeling like the pain was never going to end. Like next week felt like a life time away, and a few months?
Felt like a death sentence.
I was supposed to live "a few months" without him??

I like to remind myself of the pain every once in a while.
I like to remember that it was a mountain that I climbed to get over you.
I like to remember what it was like, so that I make sure I never have to do that again.

You took a part of me. The part of me that believed in true love. The part that believed in "meant to be". The part of me that believed in fairy tales.

You took it.

But I don't want it back.

Today, I'm stronger, so much stronger.
Today, I'm a warrior. A survivor.

The person I am today wouldn't even recognize the weakling that you made me into.

The person I am today loves you, despite all that you've done to me. I love you because you are simply another struggling, hurting human being.
But I love you as nothing more.

You took part of me.
But I put something back in its place that no one can ever take.

I am not the curves of my body.
I am not the clothes that I put on to hide those curves.
I am not the person you think I am when those clothes do not do an adequate enough job for your liking.
I am not what you think about me.
I am not what you say about me.

I am not this outer shell that you see.
I am not my sexuality.
I am not any of those things you use to label me.

I am smart, sometimes capable.
I am thoughtful, sometimes brilliant.
I am sarcastic, sometimes caustic.
I am phenomenally woman.
But what I am is not any of those things.

I am not my thoughts.
I am not my jokes.
I am not my words or even my actions.
I am not any of the things I use to label myself.

What I am runs so much deeper.
If you get to know me,
Draw me out of my core,
You might be able to see it.
You'll know when you've caught a glimpse.
The indestructible, indescribable..
The exquisite, the beautiful...
The part of me that has always been and will always be.
The part of me that lends everything to itself.

So don't try to describe who I am.
Don't try to label me.
I am not a convenient definition for you understand.
I am so much more.

If I had it my way, I would kiss your lips every morning.
If I had it my way, we'd worship each other's bodies every night.
If I had it my way, you would never doubt my love and I would never doubt yours.

If I had it my way, we'd be apart only long enough to miss each other.
Then we'd run into each other's arms upon meeting again.

If I had it my way, the world would know how much I love you.
I would declare it with every word and every breath from my lips.

If I had it my way, we'd spend at least one day a week
Lying in a naked embrace, kissing and fondling
All day.
Only getting out of bed long enough for necessities,
Then entwining ourselves in love once again.

If I had it my way, the words that flowed from me
Would always be poetry.
That way you could always see
All the beautiful things you mean to me.

But I cannot have it my way.
And my words are fumbled and floundered at best.
And sometimes I doubt your love,
And we never stay in bed all day.

And I could never tell them how much I love you.
Our love is too different.
Our love is too strange.

But still...
With every word, and every breath that leaves my lips...
They always say...
I love you.
You are magical.
You...
You are everything.

The marks you left on me...
They run much deeper than anyone can see.
I hide them well, bury them deep.
I make them hidden, or so it seems.
So I look fine, and no one knows.
So deep down where no one goes.

I wash you away now.
Down, down the drain
And away you go.
I welcome the rain
Because now I am clean
And now I am free.



You left. You walked away. You urged me to do the same. As I released my crippled grip upon you, I watched you ease effortlessly into her arms. Despite what you said, you could not hide the truth from me. I watched it, cutting myself free only a little too late to keep me from this pain.

So, days, or months, or years from now when you see me... When you find yourself thinking of what a mistake you made to let me go... If I'm with someone new, with someone who fits me, and treats me, and loves me better than YOU...

Remember... Always remember, it was YOU that let me go. Pushed me away.

You let me go.

Always remember.

My heart is heavy
And oh, how it hurts.
My love is steady,
But it's never returned.

This pain seems unnecessary.
This love seems so rough.
I need you to rescue me.
I just need your love.

In spite of this aching,
I can't walk away.
you just keep taking,
And yet here I stay.

Please tell me you love me.
That I'm all you'll ever need.
Please tell me you want me.
Because you're the only one for me.

There are only so many tears
That I can give
Only so many years
That you can take
Before I walk away.

What an elaborate joke, 3 years running.
What a cruel twist of fate, and the hits keep coming.
Your lies and deceits, they're all coming out now.
Like slaps in the face to the one that gave you their all.
And you threw it down, like it never mattered.
You threw me away, leaving me broken and shattered.
All I needed was to be someone important.
All I wanted was to be someone you wanted.