I wish I could stop.
I'm getting better
Alot better,actually.
So much so I'm questioning typing this.
My audience may not be as understanding as I.
But if you all can be raw
Without fear of reprimand
For your thoughts are your thoughts
And your feelings are your feelings
Why should I fear?
I need to get this out.
I have triggers now.
More triggers,great.
Once upon a time
Those triggers were normal
For us millenials.
A door slamming.
Yelling.
**** men.
Now,
It's scales.
Something I'd never feared.
It's the mirror.
Something I'd never wanted to break.
It's the the feeling I get
Right before I *******
My running shoes.
The feeling of being trapped
Into doing something I 'd rather not
Yet feel forced to.
It's innocent comments
Innocent questions
That while I was never huge
And matter-of-factly shrinking
Take me back to the mirror
To question any ounce
Anything extra.
It's clothes
I have so many clothes.
And I hate the vast majority.
They don't camouflage.
They don't blend.
They open the door for triggers.
It's makeup
Something I used to love
For years
That now
I question.
I wonder if it's to play with my features
Or to over-compensate for something I now know
I don't have.
This has taken me over:
These triggers.
And all it took
Was one response
to a question
I'd asked.
One comment that acted on senior triggers
So much so
that it created new ones.
It's funny how the mind works.
I'm not mad.
I'm really not sad, either.
And I eat
I told you all I'm getting better.
I'm just a girl
Seeking an attainable goal
Who unfortunately
Until then
Will have this looming
In the back of her mind.
And almost everyday
I wish
I never would've asked that question.
I'm sick of loving myself
Conditionally.
I want makeup to only be
For ***** and giggles.
I don't want to hide
In clothes anymore
And when I'm not hiding
I don't want to question my choices.
I want numbers
To simply be numbers
Not those individualizing
A jail cell.
I want comments
To slide off my back
Not slide to the dark corner of my mind
Where I place those things
I don't want to remember;
Into my subconscious,you could say.
I want to be wholly happy with myself
and with the things I used to love.
Emphasize,don't sympathize.
I promise I'm fine.
But isn't this a place of raw honesty?
Where even the fine can place their subconscious in text?
Until then,I guess.
I'm just a girl.

****** fingers type away
Searching through opportunities
To better my household.
To better myself.
Ad after ad
Application after application
Broken promises
A weakened heart.

****** fingers type away
Submission after submission
Racing onward
Yet standing still.
Broken shoes
Dehydration
Hunger
Struggling to take the next step
But forcing myself.

****** fingers type away
I don't want to drown
I don't want you to drown,either
These fears, the fear of losing everything
This stress,the stress of having nothing
These duties,the duty to my sick kin
the fear of losing her
Since my father is already gone.
My heart is crying
I'm screaming
My fingers are tired
I'm tired.

But something is telling me to keep fighting.
My God is telling me to encourage myself.
To realize this is temporary
To realize my potential
To never give in
To use my head
It's a small,dim light.
But I see it.

My head may be spinning
My feet may be bruised
My heart may ache
And my fingers may be ******.

But nothing is placed on my shoulders that I cannot bear.
I have made correct decisions.
I am worthy.
I can do it.
And will lose nothing.

I'm not blind.
I see you,
And as you look deep within yourself
Explaining yourself
I can't help but wonder
How you miss so much
In your explanations.
How can I
See your entirety
Yet you
See pieces?

It's not just the contrast
Of your hair
Against your skin
It's not just the muscles
Or your chilling smile
It's not just the shape of your eyes
Or the *** appeal in your voice
It's not just your touch
Or what those things lead to...

It's the way you sleep.
Despite your troubles,
You sleep so sound.
So peacefully,
Like you're strong enough
to repair those troubles at night
And resilient enough
to get through another day.

It's the way you laugh
As though
Despite those things
You hate about yourself
You can still find humor
And allow yourself
A piece of humanity.

It's the way you cry
How you still have those emotions
You claim were lost in your storm
You still rain,
You still allow yourself
That rain.

It's the way you turn your head a few times to and from, when you feel that jolt of emotion
Whether it be before ***
Or in a conversation
In which you're losing.
It's cute,really,
To see your barriers come down
Even for just
a moment.

It's the emotion I wholly feel
In your kiss.
It's like, I know you cherish it
As much as I
And match me.

You see me as some damsel
In distress with you.
As though you're not enough
Like I could seek another
Like I should seek another.
As though I'm never gonna make it
With you.

But I need someone who struggled
I need your demons
I need your sorrows.
I don't want, or need
A seemingly perfect man.

I need someone
Who understands what it's like
To survive
Whilst trying to live.
I need someone
Whom shows me
Those pieces of him
While he's sleep
While he laughs
While he kisses me.

I need someone who battles with this life from time to time
Yet makes it.
I need a warrior.
I need a king.

And no, I don't need someone to fix.
I need someone I can relate to.
Someone to grow with,
You.

I'm not blind.
I see you.
I watch you everyday,
and I'm proud of you.

In case you haven't heard it yet,
Your past has made you a Phoenix.
Your current struggles
Have made you a role model.
And yes,
You make it look ****.

You think I'm blind.
Blind in love.
Blindly following,
Blindly Falling.
Have you ever thought
That maybe,
You're blind?
That maybe,
I could be right,
And you, sir,
Are trying to blind me?

I know what I see.
But do you?
Who's really blind?

I really don't know who to talk to.
Really, I don't.
I've found such happiness,
Whilst remaining humble
And haven't stressed like I used to,
Or taken things to heart as much...
Yet as I stare into the mirror,
I don't like what I see.
I don't care about
How pretty my features are
I don't care about
My modeleque height
Or my warm smile
Those things, I was born with.
Thank God I'm happy with them,
It's not like I could change them
But I do care about
What I've done to myself.
Those things I did have control over,
and lost control.
I'm too soft, everywhere.
My sides are too fat
My stomach isn't as flat
I'm unhappy with my body.
And sure, I'm not huge.
But I didn't gain weight in the right places.
To look over old photos
Or know the preferences of those closest to me,
Begs tears,
and utter disappointment.
And I don't want to sound like any other girl
All the blah blah blahs
But I'm unhappy with my body.
I work hard,
I pay my bills.
I help people,
I'm doing well in school.
And I've added this gym routine on top of it.
And while I've created my own schedule, therefore I'm not complaining,
Its hurtful
That I have no one to talk to.
My family and friends will simply wave this away, as I'm not huge.
Those other parties closest to me won't say much at all.
I guess,
I just wish someone would wholly and truly tell me I'm beautiful.
That someone would want me not just for what part in *** I play
But FOR those things I dislike about myself.
And voice that.
I'm not looking for someone to cure me
And I realize what I must do to change,
but ****
I don't think I'm supposed to feel like this.
I think someone is supposed to validate me to an extent
Atleast that's what I do with those I care about, when I see they're in a low spot for a moment.
Don't we all need to hear that from time to time?
Well, I don't ever hear it. Unless I begin the conversation there in.

I gained weight, I'm not happy about it, I'm making a change, and no one has said, "you're beautiful." Without me **** near fishing.
It hurts.

And I don't know who to talk to.
Or what to do, but to continue dealing alone. As I have been.

I just want to love myself as much as I love my life
I just want to keep being happy
I just want to love myself.
And not be surrounded by so many people
Yet feel so alone.

I don't know who to talk to.

You see my petals
And yes,they're beautiful.
Their scarlet clusters
Their succulent aroma
Stand out amongst the others
My dew dropped leaves
Acting as the perfect embellishments
As though I wear the rain
As a crown.
I am a rose,
As you can see.
But do you not see
The dried earth beneath me?
Have you not noticed
The snakes round my stalk?
The shade atop my petals?

I am a rose,

But I have thorns.

You see petals,
Breathtaking  petals,
I see the improbable,
Made possible.
I see a rose,dying to live.
Dying to survive.
It's roots feverishly searching for wet soil
In the midst of forgotten dust.
You see dew dropped leaves,
I see a wall.
I see storms brewing
Yet the rose
Refuses to inhale it's waters
And so they sit
On her beautifully made petals.
You see a red,ravishing rose,
I see open scars,
For the public's eye.
Open,for you.
I found those patches of soil
I let the rain sit on my petals
I bled myself red

But didn't you know,

You lit my garden?

Haven't you noticed,
The dew on my leaves,
Evaporating?
Didn't you realize
My red
Has slowly began fading?
Haven't you noticed
The snakes round my stalk
And the spiders
and the ants
Slowly find refuge elsewhere
Refuge away from your glare?

My love.
My world.
My life.
You see me as the rose,
Didn't you know,
You are the sun.

What is this
Joyride you're taking?
Happy suns and pleasant night
Freedom reigning, joy,joy
What is this?
This reign that makes me reign
Is not the rain that made me rain
So I question it's validity
It's derivation?
A problem. Maybe it's a problem.
Maybe it's a scream
Maybe this Joyride
Is running on thoughts of deliverance
Echos of finality
The wonders of the absolute.
This reign? That rain?
That shine
That shine
That smudge
I see a smudge in it
This smudge?
Am I overthinking again?
Is this subconscious anxiety?
My reign ?
My rain?
My wants, my wants are delivered
They are delivered
And this is first class deliverance
From an economy sender
Am I wrong
To question it's origins?
Am I wrong,
To wonder ?
To see what you believed a ghost
I've seen him
I see him
It's possessed you
That reign
Or was it the rain
That held your spirit all along?
How much does it cost,this possession?
Is it free ?
Or are you making your last payment?
Is this your down payment?
What do you owe ?
Do you owe?
Did it owe you?
This reign,
Or that rain ?

I kneel for rain
For hopes of its previous passing
And this spectrum
Is 3 dimensional
I kneel for reign
And it's longevity
In you
I clasp for it
I bow to it.

At times I wish I didn't have this power
The power to see inside your head
To pick apart your truest self
To analyze
To overanalyze.
To question,
I ask too many questions.
Like,
Is he sure that's just a childish crush?
Simple butterflies?
How complex are the butterflies really?
I see them soaring around you
And I see you
Shooing them away
As though no ones watching .
Is this smile
Forreal?
I think it is
I'm pretty sure my joke was funny.
I think I hugged him a million times over
But my super power
says otherwise.
Sometimes it says you're drowning
Sometimes it says you're on fire.
And sometimes,
It says you feel nothing at all.
I fear this is a curse
To read your grey
To read your mind
And still
Feel so clueless.

I feel like a bad person.
Ya know, the bystander type.
The, "they're just words" type.
The,"you'll only be nagging"type.

What do you do,
When you see an adult
Intelligent, wise beyond their years
Literate, articulate
But four feet tall
Swimming in the 5ft section of the pool?
I mean, they're strong too.
Do you let them swim? Do you risk it? ARE you risking anything? I mean they know what they're doing right ?
Literate, articulate.
They know right? Right ?
And if you've let them swim
With tightened lips
And a forced smile at times
How many times do you let them,
Before you tell them to come back?
Literate, articulate,strong.
Will they even listen ?
Arrogant. Stubborn.
If you don't speak, is it because you don't care?
Afraid. Nagging.
Are you in denial?
Afraid, Nagging.
But that voice in the back of your head, screaming to ****** that person out the pool, is it right ?
Afraid.

Im afraid sometimes. I see the head above the water, but just barely. I see the feet kicking, but just barely. I hear breathing, but just barely.

And I know.
I know why they're tired.
I hear it, I see it, I read it.
And you've been swimming
Forever.
Im afraid,
That if you were to drown
I helped it,
By being the bystander.
And yet
I know better.
Literate, articulate,
Afraid.

How many times
Will I allow you
to swim in the 5ft section of the pool
When I know
You're only 4ft tall.

I feel myself sinking today.
These positive affirmations helped yesterday
And the day before
And the day before
Not today.
Today I'm overthinking
Today I'm having to employ CYA left & right.
Today I'm reminded of my shortcomings.
Just another day, it won't matter.
It won't matter.
I tell myself it won't matter.
But it does right now.
And I can't cry today.
I can't get mad today.
Am I sad? I don't know what I am.
I guess I'm numb today.
I don't think a drink will help.
I can't find the voice to speak about it.
I don't think a break from work will suffice.
I'm numb today.
So full of complaints
Yet depleted of conflict resolution.
Is this the pressure diamonds endure ?
Is this what will strengthen me?
Is that what this is ?
Should I be thankful for this?
Optimistic about it?
I don't know.
Today is just, not the day.

For every apology you've given me,
You deserve it ten times over.
For every ear you've lent me,
You deserve my full attention.

You've hurt me.
You've really hurt me.
You've made me feel so small,
And yet,in this moment I feel huge.
I feel like,
This huge weight on your shoulders.
And I feel blind,
I feel deaf.
As though,
All of your efforts have been in vain,or something.
And I don't see them, I don't hear them.
And yet,I'm 2 inches away.

For every sorry I've given you,please multiply them by 20.

I've made mistakes too, you're not alone.
Why do I make you feel so alone?
I nag, and I complain,and I yell,
and I know how small you feel.

I claim to do so much,
What b.s.
On this toxic throne,
Is nothing but my projection,
and denial.

I know you're thinking of this as a mistake,
That I should never blame myself
That it's you,
That it's only,you.
But please,multiply my apologies by 20.

Because I do have a part.
Yes,I do.
I play a role.
And I remind myself,
Of him sometimes.
And I cry because,
I mean ****,he was mentally draining at times.
And now I'm draining.

How much do you have to take from me,
For me to understand how sorry you are?
I Judge you
I belittle you
I emotionally scar you.
Yes, yes I do. Stop saying I don't.
It doesn't matter if you're deserving of any of it.
The magnitude to which I take things,
Is the role I play.

I am part of the reason,
Why your poems are of raven days.
I am part of the reason,
Why you feel,
Stuck in your ways.

I tell you,
You can't escape.
That your home,
Is not an escape.
That I,
Am not an escape.

Then I ask how I can help.
In the same breath.

The irony.

For every sorry,
Multiply them by zero.
Delete them from your memory.
And please accept this one.

I love you.
I love that you've stayed.
I love that,despite my roles, you've succeeded in making me think that I had none,
Until now.

Jesus I see it in your face,
I hear the eggshells beneath your steps

I love how literally, I just need a touch from you

I love how literally, your eyes melt me.
Yep,they still do that.6 years can't change that feeling.

I love,everything.
And I mean that.

And I'm so,sincerely sorry,
For subconsciously making you pay.
For consciously belittling you.
For being my own double standard.
I'm severely sorry.