Alone on a train track who wouldn't drink,
to loosing memories we waste to think,
and spooning your soul into someone's face.
To learning Latin, and winning a race, to all those lost pauses and almost hads,
long ago crushes and wired creepy Dads.
To that screaming rage I had as a youth,
to getting lost and loosing you first tooth.
To all the landmarks that label our life,
to the ups and the downs, and my Aunt's wife.
Let me toast to all that lies in the sun, let me drink and whine until I am done,
let me make a spectacle of my fear,
as I call out for anyone to hear.

***
Such a simple three letter word
Can carry such a heavy meaning
It can be your gender
Man or woman isn’t simple enough
You can be anything
And that’s amazing
But this is all
***

I remember in 5th grade
*** Education Class
We sat blushing
Listening to all the official crap
We listened and heard
But I couldn’t get it
This was boring and weird
This could not be ***
The thing we weren’t saying
This could not be that
*** made me shiver
*** was interesting
This was mind-numbing
So I asked in my innocence
What about ***?

And she answered, all of this is ***.

What a lie.

All of this was not ***
This was the start of ***
This was the blueprint scientific analysis
*** is more.

*** is that feeling
That starts in your gut and spreads south
*** is your palms sweaty
Because that guy stood so close
*** is a boy running his hand along your leg
*** is a girl hiding to kiss you
*** is every feeling you feel
Everything that can take your breath away
*** is all of that

And if you live right
*** is life

Because life should take your breath away
Life is a feeling
All of that
Life is the running the hiding
Life is the situation
Life is beautiful
Life is ***

I think you were here for kindergarten
We played soccer together in first
Next year was the same
I was weird and insane
You stared to be good just not fast
You stared to be cool, just not really
I was best friends with the coolest girl
I was weird but still cool
I stared to grow up
You stared to grow up
Sophomore year we got to be close friends
I was gone and I bloomed
We kissed but I am scared to hurt you or me
Cause I tend to

You were my first best friend,
And my first kiss.
We played spin the bottle,
Just us two.
We built Lego castles together after.

You were a stranger in a hotel,
And my friends dared me.
We kissed in the hot tub,
Just for show.
We didn't even know each others last names.

You were my best friend's first love,
And she was out of town.
We did all most everything.
Just never kissed because,
We couldn't forget it was wrong.

You were a friend still are.
And I am not sure why,
We kissed.
Just that we didn't fit, and
We shouldn't do it again

You were a challenge to myself,
And I think I really liked you.
We spent winter snuggling and kissing,
Just never speaking.
We stopped but weren't finished.

You were a rebound,
And you held me above your head.
We were locked in a room,
Just it was only for fun.
We parted ways and shook hands.

You were bad news surrounded by smoke,
And I loved it.
We had more fun than anyone.
Just I wasn't ready and you pushed me,
We had different timing but perfect chemistry.

You were the only other person there,
And we had nothing better to do.
We talked and waited,
Just thinking about the moment.
We had fun, I was your first redhead.

You came back for a the second round,
And I wanted you so bad.
We had one hell of a night,
Just there was someone else there.
We made memories and I hope we do again.

You are older than all the others,
And not anywhere as good looking.
We had time though, only
Just a little.
We lived the moment and I won't forget you.

You were his best friend,
And I was drunk.
We kissed in the men's bathroom,
Just I didn't want to.
We stole glances but you have a girlfriend.

You are beautiful and so unsure,
And I wanted to help you, so
We kissed on a sleepover.
Just I think it didn't really help.
We are friends that's all we learned.

I flew out of my mountain nest
on great and powerful wings
Over oceans so wide the sun
would lose his way, and lands
So strange the moon would
forget her own name
Until I alighted in a shore so
far from my beginning it could
have been another planet
A land I had heard of in whispers
and glimpsed in color, a place
of stories and magic passed through
and untainted by time
Here I started again, learning
the new sounds, flavors, and
vibrations of those around me
I am bird who has found the
perfect tree and found a
roost away from home
Here I wait for new wind to
bring me home but I wish
it never arrives because
the air here is so close to perfect.

Today I carved on the canvas of my body
A landscape made of  cuts in a line
Quick and uneven layers that set me free
Warm hues of red against a white coastline

There is no emotion in my composition
I did not sculpt my flesh in anger or sorrow
Solely in the beauty of all that I have done
And a reminder of the nightmares I know

In the dim light I found my muse, she stared
At me from the mirror and shes not scared.