it was literally a thousand days ago
when i last wrote something like this
and now i am back on track
of the world i used to live in

b.a (2016)

i hope you still look at me the same way you did
23 months ago....

*b.a

there were gladness and greetings
in our 730th day together
pink boxes and victorian styles
with silky white ribbons on top
covered with happiness
and given with love
you know what i want
you know what i feel
and you know that
it is always real
and i love you

*b.a

it's been a while since i last wrote a poem for you
but this one's going to be the one i'll never tell you
because one day i want you to find out something
i did, because all i ever think about now, is you.
good morning my love, i hope you had a warm sleep
i hope you'll taste a great morning and a good day,
i hope you had eaten breakfast, because i don't want you to skip.
i wanted to tell you a lot of things
but maybe you'll just get annoyed
but whatever, i still wanted to tell you
that even for a million times,
i will always love you
i always crave for you touch
and your presence
and sometimes i wonder,
do you feel the same way too?
i need you now, i need you beside me
can we have lunch together?
no ? oh, it's okay no big deal.
i want you to know, that in every song,
i hear your name, i see you within
that in every beautiful place i go,
i see you beside me, pressing my palms towards yours
that in every moment, i want to touch you
and tell you how much i love you
and i wanted to stop writing right now,
because i don't want to cry again
i love you sweetheart,
i will always will

*b.a

here i am
writing a poem again
for you, only you.
i know you won't see this
but i know someday you will,
and somehow you will
remember me,
what i gave you
what i made for you
and what i let you feel
and you will realize
that you're lucky for what we had
and too dumb
to let this all go
but now that i have the time
i am not wasting anymore
i will tell you
how much i love you
and how much i care for you
even if sometimes
it hurts
i know
it will always be okay
because it all matters

*b.a

accompanied my father to a massage center
i saw these people wearing orange shirts
some are looking down, some left, some right
i didn't have the idea, i didn't know

how much is this
it's fifty

that moment i knew, i saw, i heard, i felt
that these people have the darkest days of their lives
that there are black blankets covering their eyes
they are blind men, i leaned down, i prayed

two kids ran inside the center
daddy do you want to eat?
no son, i still need to work here
but daddy you're not yet eating since 12 pm
i have to work son, go get your mother

i don't know what to feel
perhaps these kids are just six or eight
they are so young, yet so brave
i don't know what to feel, it's just sad

at that moment i realized
that within these two eyes i am lucky
i am blessed
we are blessed

we see the sun rise and set
we see how the clouds look like and how they move
we see the birds fly high, we see the colors around us
but some don't appreciate it

at that moment i realized
i realized that i was more blind than them
because i never saw the beauty of appreciation
i never knew that i have more than black blankets than them


because i was blind
because we were blind

*b.a

i like you
i like you more
i need you
everyday
i love you
forever
promise?
i promise

*b.a

don't tell me i can't ******* go without you
because for you information
even before we met,
i can ******* stand alone

and don't tell me you miss me
because if you really have time
and you're sincerely willing,
you will talk to me

*b.a

when will you ever sneak out
in my hello poetry
so that you'll know how i feel
with you and between us

*b.a

i dance to the three-fourth signature
something i learned when i was seventeen
stuff i never wished and planned to do
but my heart let it in

i dance to the three-fourth signature
with my strength and passion
as i sway and smile around
finding the rhythm my soul gives in

i dance to the three-fourth signature
with my long gown and hair *******
as i close my eyes and feel the harmony
the music that penetrates my heart

i dance to the three-fourth signature
but now i think im lost
dance with me, one more time
and we'll keep the spotlight on

b.a

steadfast, free, happily i am running
towards the light, towards the happiness of life
young, fresh, yet so brave
until one day it all just happened

i told myself to be much more careful
but i was drowned, i almost died
along those fake words i heard
along those false feelings i felt

i am young, i was young
i didn't know, i was in your jail
abused, hurt, tricked, and cheated
yes i am young, but i am not stupid as you think

attracted to the flawed actions you make
attached to the poisonous words you take
tied by the thorns of your arms
i almost died in your hands

but it was not too late
to think about the other things in life
it is not just about you, i know there is much more than you
there is much more than this

i am healed, i am free, and i am feeling young again
i was once drowned, and it will never happen again
because i already know how to swim
in the ocean of insincerity

*b.a

the feeling
of your
warm body
makes me loved
the feeling
of your touch
makes me wonder
the feeling
beside you
makes me comfortable
the feeling in your arms
makes me lucky
when you told me
i wish things will always be like this
in that moment
when you're lying
in my chest
feeling my heartbeat
feeling your hug
sometimes i wish
time will stop too
and we're the only one left
in each other's arms
i love you

*b.a

i was four years old
when i first wrote you a poem
it was a cute little one
as i can still remember
the funny rhymings i did

i was four years old
when i read that poem to you
on grandpa's wake, one night
you said it was pretty cool
that i got this thing from you

i was four years old
when you cried and held my hand
as i read my poem to you
and tell you how much i love you

days are gone and time passed by
like how the seasons change that fast
it was one afternoon after school
when i received the news
"grandma's gone now."

it was not easy that day
neither the days after you were gone
at least i had the chance to hug you
one last time, even if you wont hug me back
i know even if cant see you physically
i know you were there beside me
hugging me back too

the clouds were gloomy that day
as if a storm's about to come
but something like that would never tell me
that we can always be blue
because i will always remember how you tell me, 'even if it hurts, smile like you always do'

even when i close my eyes
i see you smiling at me
telling me the stories of your life in 1940s
something i will never be tired of listening

i was supposed to read this on your wake
but i was not ready to face an audience
and i decided to write it down here
thinking that maybe you're reading this
from up there


b.a

how it feels to be more than a hundred days with you
how it feels to be in a thousand hours beside you
how it feels to be in a thousand moments of talking to you
and an infinite seconds of loving you

your scent which i smell every time i wake up
the warm hug that forever keeps me comfortable
how it feels to be the one loved by you
and the tangled moments i had shared with you

remembering the days when we were walking
at the place which we really loved to go
where the afternoon grace surrounds us
with the trees and flowers around us

how you used to kiss my forehead, and tell me how's your day?
and * i'm fine, okay* are the one that i can say
how you used to pick yellow flowers for me
and putting it behind my ears whispering i am so lucky

how we used to point on mansions or even houses that looked like castles
and say hey babe i want that someday
how we used to watch an old woman paint in her porch
the feeling of looking forward to something with you

how we used to dance in the rain and even kiss
letting me borrow your blue sweatshirt makes me feel safe
under the yellow bells of trees in the street
you told me everything's going to be alright, baby

how we used to sing our favorite song
saying lucky to be coming home someday
i know because the feeling of looking within your eyes
i feel home

how we used to held our hands without speaking
how we used to tell each other's dream
young love as they say
but i know this is real

how we used to lay down after a busy day
feeling each other's warm body
the feeling beside you after a long day makes me powerful again
because of the love that runs through our veins

how we used to have dinner, in a fine restaurant near our home
how we used to sit below the pirate displays
asking me are you happy with this?
i wanted to tell you that i am happy with everything

you and i may not have the perfect relationship which every one can think of
but i know it's real

*b.a

if you cannot keep your word
don't expect that
i'll keep mine too

*b.a

all i ever wanted is
to kiss you good morning and good night
everyday,
and i promise i wont get tired telling and showing you
how much i love you

because i really do

*b.a

you cannot control everything
you cannot hold the trees as you carry the sun
you cannot stop the rain while the thunders are there
and you cannot change someone's feelings towards you

someone will always say
i will always be there
and when you are at the peak of feeling terrified,
no one is there

someone will always say
i will never change
and after a few years you will never talk to them again
and the feeling is not there anymore

here we are believing in others
expecting and hoping from what they say
actions speak louder than words
and finally i have got to say

here we are being honest
and all that they can see are lies
you always wanted to scream and say the truth
but no one ever listens to you

*b.a

i still look at you the same way i used to twenty two months ago
i still look at you the same way when you first kissed me
i still look at you like magic
and i will still look at you the same way you look at me too

*b.a

into the darkness
and serious shadows of complexity
i still see you within
even when you say
im invisible
the glow of your neon skin
and those sparkled eyes
i still see you within
even if it is still a thousand feet
i will dive
even if pressure won't let me in
darkness won't **** me
it won't **** us
because even if it is towards the center of the earth
i will find you within

*b.a

i look at her like she's magic
like the one with red and golden confetti
she seems like the dove that always come up from a box
and fly above as if freedom is embraced

i look at her like she's magic
like the one with fancy fans and hats
who always made me smile and giggle
and think how amazing she was

but then i am now to the point
that i see the real thing beyond
beyond magic, beyond her
and then i realized that
it does not gives me the interest anymore

but the sparkle is still there
like how mini fireworks have
but you have given me one reason
to stop my interest in you
but i want you to know
that i still love you

*b.a

i never believed in magic
not even when i was six.
they say that
those who don't believe in magic
will never find it.
until i met you,
and i guess
i have found magic

*b.a

i will never forget
that there are still things
that i can still love
and be proud of

*b.a

all the things in world aren't always made for you
maybe it only lets you touch it or feel it
and maybe some things aren't always meant for you
maybe we just have to work for it.
we cannot resist rejection, as challenges come
it is either jump with happiness or cry with greediness
but one thing i know is
to never let yourself hide on your shell
maybe, we should let ourselves show
i am not afraid, nor envy or shy
my feet is on the ground and i will lift it up and fly
regardless of circumstances that made my cry
maybe all the things in the world aren't for us
because He creates the life we must have
and i am willing to take it and
do things according to His will
regardless of evil and insincerity.
I believe in my capabilities and those are my wings
i may not fly now, but someday i will
maybe my wings are too golden to be built easily
and now i just have to wait patiently.
There are no oafs nor too intelligence in this world
there are only love, guidance and peace.
And if we let it pass through our souls,
**Never we will be afraid

the greatest people in your life
come unexpectedly
maybe it is the time
when you bumped them in the hallway
or played volleyball on the same team
it happens
and we just do not know
maybe they were your bus mates
or someone you thought was a ******
i thought everyone was the same
until i met each

*b.a

the little things i never see
were the best things about you
i don't know, i never knew
that these things are glitters inside your jar

it's me staring at you
perhaps you never notice me
but at the deepest ocean of your eye
i saw the most wonderful thing

i never knew, i never knew
that you are this certain
i didn't get it to the point, i am just above the ocean
perhaps i should have swam deeper

i was clingy, i was impatient
that i never noticed the little things
behind your strings, behind your round eyes
behind your heart

it is just you, the special you
beside me, behind me
it is the most wonderful thing
that i never saw, that i never knew, that i never felt

but now i know, now i know
that the shadow behind you
was the stigma of your love


*b.a

no one will always be there
and all you ever have is yourself

*b.a

fame isn't everything
the luminosity of your mind
never touches the feelings
of others
your card report shows
A plus in all eight subjects
you are great and i adore you
but intelligence is non sense
if your attitude
is a waste
your great mind
that attracts others
just like how negative electrons
attract the positive one
the capital of every country
is pasted in your mind
smart and indelible
but you must know
that how much smart you are
you are insensitive.
how dare you to enjoy
ranking people
and degrading their skills
you are no perfect nor God
i hope you know that
you can't just judge people
by how their mind works
by how they talk and
how their opinions spread into the room
God never judges anyone and
who are you to judge someone
I believe that that
explains your character
and it looks like
you are more degrading yourself

*b.a

"will you still remember me after fifteen years?"
i asked
"of course, you'll be my bride"

*b.a