You were so high that you could barely walk. I know you missed those yellows so I let them swallow you whole. I carried you from the kitchen to grandma's chair & you slept there. You slept & slept while I kept watch over your heart.

I was always so paranoid someone would steal it. The same kind of paranoid I get when I smoke. You took a piece of me I could have sworn was already missing & showed me it was right under my nose.

Who knows? Maybe after all my time & effort, through good & bad weather I trust you to make things better & you can expect the same from me. I love you so much & I'm so sick of watching myself bleed.

I'm so sick of watching tears fall down your cheeks & knowing it's all because of me. In some sick sort of way when you left me I got stronger & I hated myself for not missing you as much as I thought I would.

Night time made me realize you are the hands I need to guide me out of the darkness & into the light. You are accidental poetry in the form of you being my source of life. Blood, sweat & tears are what will consume our years so I was wondering if you're up for it?

I am so anxious and paranoid that you'll leave me
I'll never hold another pair of hands if you do
If I can't die I won't be able to endure the emotions that devour me when I see you
All I do is sit in this cardboard box of a room & let the rain rot away the roof
& When memories, photographs, letters & words are all that remain
There is no hiding the truth
I am endlessly, unconditionally, helplessly in love with you

I never knew what it felt like to lose composure & then you said its over
Then, I knew
The reality of the situation hit me in the stomach like a ton of bricks
& Here I am on my knees again, beaten & bruised
Begging for you, like I always do
Like it makes any difference in the way you'll look at me afterwards
Like it makes any difference at all, I live to please you
My brain is rotting like the roof on this cardboard box of a room
My heart is stopping because I feel like I'm losing you

Its the small things. Like the way I catch myself staring at you the same way a child stares at something unfamiliar & strange. I could use the same words to describe you & they would reign true but in all reality there are no words deserving of describing the love I have for you.

Its the small things like the way I just noticed that February is right around the corner. This could be my second chance to rekindle the flame I tried to make (in the rain) when I was too far away. But until then I'll keep you warmly wrapped in every sweater I own. The ones that you keep strewn about your room. & if your room wasn't messy & scattered (like my brain) it wouldn't feel like home.

Baby its the small things like the way you sleep by my side on Friday nights & how I've got your portrait framed & hanging in my mind. Its starting to get  colder now & I'm just figuring out that the only thing that matters is you & I. The world around us is irrelevant & played out. I could take you away, let me take you to a place where
Its all the small things that make you see, you & I, that's a forever thing.




(letters to her)