Whistling
into vibrations
to create texture
to taste feeling
moving to feel temperature
air circulating coolly to touch extremities
to invoke shivers, to remind of smiles
to remember hands and warmth
hands and intertwining fingers
fingers, delicate and familiar
eyes, smiling and

dangerous
the void left in wake
the space of silence
the moments spent wondering
a lifetime spent wandering in search of
more

moments
the meaning of finding
the nothing to find but more things to explore
the spots marked by stopping to ponder
the pain caused by stopping to ponder
the connections that make shape
in the form of a

path
leading from place to place
person to person
challenge to challenge
wound to wound
stitching together flesh, rhythmically,
perpetually, while walking
hurting builds

strength
in the form of a hard face
longing to be broken
going all this time searching for a way to be broken
waiting for a person to share smiles with again
waiting for a place worthy of stopping
and removing gloves from lonely fingers
and sharing

memories
memories from solitude
from the years of

wandering
call yourself

wanderer
watching so long for a place to

pause
all nonparallel paths must eventually

cross
with kind

eyes, glistening eyes, breathing again
warm breath condensing in air
laughs radiating in air
moving to feel temperature,
to share temperature
moving to taste experience
slowing down to taste a moment
worth finding
with a person worth stopping for.

I can feel your fingers from miles away
I can close my eyes and feel close breaths in memory
and tingle as if closing the space of centimeters

In my daydreams we collide in an instant
In the nighttime my eyes are dripping,
your lips on my forehead

I feel heartbeats in my steps,
I feel spaces in between everything-
too large, but not empty enough to be an escape

In lust I can express my sadness
In knowing eyes that understand too well
In the motion of waves, and salt water

Let's move together and hold each other's sadness
In the space that once contained love
In the space where two children continue to grow up

In old friends that don't take moments like these for granted
In old souls that are frustrated with the woes of adolescence
In an answer to a question that was never asked

In heartbeats sensed from less-than-centimeters away
and spaces filled in
and tongues locking fiercely, then softly, we'll part.

And the wind will sigh and we will take it for what it is:
exactly what we needed.
I'll see you when we've found ourselves.

****. Yes. I'm -
my sorrows away. Wrong -
myself into a black hole of
shame that I want to crawl out
of but can't
or, wishing
for someone to pull me out but
don't actually believe anyone will give me a second glance - please -
but please don't -

caught between
help me
and
don't look at the mess I've made
the mess I am
a mess of a person who's
destined for
lunacy

Cries stuck in my throat
next to things
coated in
shame and years of steel-plated
heavy moments and

tears tears tears
I wanted to cry but couldn't
my face grew heavy with
tears not spilling out
can't lift
let me fall
pick me up
don't touch me

I don't trust you

run
I can't run

I write about pieces of the world I'm not a part of

glass - looking through
glass - broken shards on the ground
at my feet, in my knees
broken skin
bleed
broken heart
bleed my soul bleeds
I wish I could seep out of my skin
and be blood and

not think
sometimes I think these things

The sky is the only thing that can hold me
The ocean is the only thing that can hold me
The trees are the only things that can hold me

light is fleeting

the days you wish you could skip filled with
feelings you want to numb away from or even worse actually
manage to
fill yourself with the numbness of ignoring sunlight
and not noticing touch
and not enjoying the soft things
the gentle things
the faint outlines of day smeared with shadows
and caffeine-soaked eyelids -
I can't tell the difference between open and closed
I can't remember the reasons for doing
keep moving, keep going
prioritize staying awake and bypassing
the things that conjure smiles and
the smiles
and the things that cause inquiry
and inquiry is seeking life?
bypassing life
taking steps without feeling the ground is
breathing without tasting oxygen
is being a robot

crash into sleep like a wave that overtakes you
like admitting you have no strength
or nothing left to give but a headprint into a pillow

I was trying to shoot for the stars and
dream the way I did when I learned that caterpillars
grow up to be butterflies
I wanted to be a butterfly
I wanted to be beautiful, and proud, and I wanted to fly -
I miss that feeling.
Somewhere between there and here there were
tragedies and broken hearts and
things that I later realized ought have
been different -
Somewhere between then and now there might have been a god,
but more importantly there was some force causing the world to
punch me in the face
and Somewhere along the road I decided to keep
my shameful face pressed against the concrete

This is anger - this is shame -
this is hate. This is what I
bottle up and beat myself with under the midnight sun,
with the endless exposure, the loss of composure,
the fear, the constant
fear
of judgment - stare at me but don't look at my eyes
(I'm used to it.)
Look past me.
It will only drive the hurt deeper down, tightening my chains it's
not you, it's me. It's me against myself.

Pound, pound, pound the pavement against my feet -
can I run myself into oblivion? Can I please just close
my eyes and become part of the air around me?

the frustration kills me
I **** my voice yelling at myself
WRITE WRITE WRITE
write yourself into this feeling, if
it's the only way you know how to inhabit the present moment
**** yourself with caffeine and hate
and shame
I'm so tired of shame
I'm so tired from the weight of it
I'm so done with being hated but I
can't stop hating myself

I once dreamed of being a butterfly,
and now I dream of getting by
without hurting myself too badly

the sound of
footsteps in the
fall and the
reflection of sunlight
off drops of dew
resonates
more than
my understanding of
happiness

There's a light inside me that glows in anticipation,
there's the constant wait, the careful gait
the looking over shoulders for to take
away all thoughts of others
breaking bonds of making face
knocking shoulders, stifling
sounds for sights to take in solitude

my toes itch, my legs jump, i sit still.
in the light are overwhelming expressions
and the shadows of repressions
and stagnant silences to fill.

the room tilts my screen into someone else's eyes,
i wish, i wish
the thought of running and dancing into cries
i wish
the ground could pound against my feet and into my heart
i wish
for sleep - not mine, but the world's
do you understand?
(i'd give up the sun to run in the dark)

i can't live with you, i can't live without you,
i can't live with myself
movements are too constrained when you
expend so much energy towards
thought

i wish i could show you the things i've sought
i wish i could show you my world
i wish i could show you my woes
i wish i could share with you my happiest moments

Don't shut me down or I'll hate you like I hate the parts of myself I don't share.
and i won't even know it, either way