Alas, the static in my ears
never fails to crumble
returning me again to tears
and another attempt to fumble
with my web of tangled thoughts
trying again to learn to untie knots.

Silences and 'there's and 'here's
become a quantity in years
of words unsaid and yet unknown
to older people yet ungrown
because we chose to never face
a past that we cannot erase.

She realizes at some point she’s in dream and wakes up
Clenching her stomach, blurring her eyes
Covering her bruised body with shadow limbs
Silently coughing up through self-inflicted scars
Why is it so cold
Harsh sunlight with shivers in between rays
Green eyes like moonlight through prison bars
Leaden shadow limbs scrape the floor
Chalk writing in another language
Slipping on frozen marble, so cold,
So cold

Mice in her ears running, dead, multiplying
Whispers of her shame
Splatter paint on a nameless grave where
Bugs morph from the stone
Nightmares in the daytime between rays of moonlight,
So cold

I can't express myself quite right in this endless glaring light
of judgment
stirring sweat beads, clenching to hold my calm, failing?
I am trying to not be afraid of the fingers relentlessly tapping
and all of you with animal faces
we are running backwards in a painting on display
I haven't blinked in so long but I think it's okay
because I'm underwater.

So this is the one thing you'd talk to me for
to say you have enough scars
and don't need any more

I wish you'd throw it in my face
instead of sending it sideways
I wish you'd scream and yell of all your pain
that I've caused you all these days

Spit in my face, I'd be happy for the contact
and I wouldn't need to react
I want to hurt and let you see it
Don't care? I don't believe it
I don't believe our lives aren't meant to touch
Neither of us can really walk without a crutch
I miss having you to lean on; it wasn't much
but it was everything at the same time
Nothing compares; not even  small crime
(the excitement isn't so sublime)
or reason or words or perfect rhyme
(and I can't even rhyme worth a dime)
Life makes no sense in this trench in
a constant state of pain and tension
Waiting for a word or  healf-hearted glance
to break me from this wretched trance

I wish you knew I was hurting too
But you'll see me trying endlessly
and running into trees and breaking my knees
and crying as the sun sets on my chaos
because it just doesn't end, it only morphs
and lately I'm so alone that nothing matters
Love can't stop the wind and rain patters
and darkness may swallow my mind but
I might not care to ever find
myself again
and hurt myself again
and hurt you again
and make no sense again
But I never made sense...

Despite all my uncertainty I know I can't be
the one who lets you slip away from me

So I have a response, to your message
that I received today
(from a friend, in your sideways way)
I want you to know that
I see your sadness and pain
I see your scars and fears
I'm filled with shame
I'm disgusting and deserve
the nasty names
Yet I look forward to the day of your forgiveness
when maybe I'll have cleaned up this gross mess

I'll keep looking and hoping for us to lock eyes
Every time I try my fear amplifies
Sometimes I wish for a disguise
but I'm done telling lies

I don't dream, like I did, so many days ago
of your skin, lips, tongue; I don't
want to; I
have no need.
If I could close my eyes forever
and collapse and fall past my bones
and speak in our language
I would know satisfaction.

It's not my body, it's
my being
craving the long-lost touch of you

I want to forget looking down
Gaze with me
we'll connect
again
Our hearts will rock together
again
(but differently)

I know you are trying to
break through the barrier that is
a body, turned from me,
running.

I won't cry, I'll just laugh
and peel carrots and
paint windows with math and
lace up these running shoes,
and wish I could run away, too,
and wish I could chase you.

words are fragmented earth
elements seeping into the wind currents
clustering in empty spaces and
slowly gathering at our feet
dead and brown like the leaves,
but perhaps lacking beauty

words are time as they pass through
cold lips into empty air
empty ears, filled with empty sounds,
void of meaning

words are safety as they blanket themselves
around people trying to hide
empty people, filled with empty fear,
void of meaning

move their mouths, shape their sounds
vowels consonants breaths
empty eyes, black holes, empty souls,
void of meaning

words are the cage of the trapped
they can be controlled but nobody
knows how