I've smoked all these cigarettes
but I still don't know what "I love you" tastes like
I know hands againsts skin and a face on fire
shaking hands and heartache
but someone tell me
What does I love you taste like
what does it feel like against a hollow ear
I know his fingers on my spine, but not a print on my soul
not one steady syllable
I'm not old enough to say that I've felt it all
but I've felt enough
to feel this sickening ache deep in the pits of who I am
each time I get close enough these words are like sand
running through the cracks between my trembling digits
I swallow down every thought like a hand full of rocks
My throat is screaming raw
I've become too afraid to feel things that I cannot put into words
and to say I want nothing more than to see you
is not enough
because I want everything
including your voice
pressing hot words against my skin instead of finger tips
I want 'I love yous' in my eardrums
but all I get is the sound of my heart beating
and that's starting to sound like a gental lie
I've smoked all these cigarettes
My mouth is desert dry
I cannot force the words out
There is a faint buzzing in the back of my brain
it's more like a thousand wasps
The sound of every "I love you" that's ever been lost

Sometimes I get sick to my stomach
and I look at old photographs
Trying to teach my self how to remember again
Sometimes I can feel the shallow cracks beneath my skin
With every long drag and stomach cramp
I relearn the past
and the way a memory can still make my hands shake
I've remembered the feeling of being forgotten
and how it can hollow you out
I will still remember the smiles
Tight hugs
car rides
Bruises
heavy feet crashing against wet grass
while our hearts pounded
I will still remember the sadness in your voice late at night
no matter how much I am forgotten

I scrapped my soft skin on the gravel
and they asked me why I bled so much
It's the one thing I do best
I'd rather scab over
and try to heal
but I can't stop the sensation of opening old wounds
Every time I pour myself a drink
I can't help but think of my father
my grandmother
and everyone else I cannot will myself to call
so I bled out to voice mail messages
and try not to hurt anyone else
but I just can't help myself
I am addicted to pain and holding grudges
I forgive those who don't deserve it
just so I can go back again
and scar myself even more
Every time I know I have to hurt someone
I remeber every sad face I've ever seen
My stomach is nausea
I am trying so hard to act like I'm not even phased
but my facade is cracking under all of this weight
I cannot stop this chain smoking habit
because then I'll begin to gnaw at my finger tips
and lord knows I can't bare to lose any more blood

This hallway smells like hospital
and he told me to get the hell out
I'm sure he meant before this school eats me alive
so next year I'll come back
with my head pulled out of my ***
and get on with my life

I've been told
by the lighthearted
that it is called the present because
it is a gift
but I still find myself with crossed fingers
hoping for a receipt at the bottom of the bag

Massacred and double crossed
this is not me crying from loss
or sad poem about how everything I love
treats me like ****
this is me showing you how strong my back bone is
and how from this point I refuse to take any of it
Tear me to shreds
I'll put myself back together again
I'm not made of steal
and I will falter
but I am closer to resolve than I've ever been before

chasing cheep liquor
with the taste of defet
and the sound of birds in the morning
I kissed you on the cheek
and told you
that I could no longer love you

Criss cross
Applesauce
Spiders running down your back
I climbed out my window
and jumped
I acquired a few bruises
but not from the fall
His breath reeked of stale beer
The first time I had no where to turn
The outcome of abuse and soft kisses
a mean look in your eyes
pumpkin pie
I hope you survive
quite whispers of melodies
your mother used to sing
salt water tastes like childhood
Cool breeze
Tight squeeze
Now I've got the shiveries

I peeled back the mask and gazed into
the endless portals that made up my eyes
Dipping fingers into the pools of water
cheek bones
piano keys
teeth
self-discovery
The water rolls down my fingers
but I can’t seem to get it off my skin
It clings to me and stings
This water is holy and I am paper thin
A demon lies within
I whisper to myself
A reminder to hold myself at night
but not too tight
do not wake my sin
Crack me open
But gently
I will spill
A pool of galaxies
Infinity
And everything that makes up each and every one of you
Something deeper
Something beautiful

Double shot of expresso
and I'm screaming inside
You're tearing yourself open right before my eyes
and I am nodding my head
as if to say it is all alright
And I know that you love her
and that I am the
confidant
you spill secrets to me in dimly lit rooms
and with the children screaming
we run away
with the one I should keep you from
and he flirts from the front seat
Batting eyelashes like the pretty girls do
We are catastrophes
but we just can't let go
and maybe that's the reason
my heart is so ******* full

We watch them sing from stages
laughing behind cupped hands
and they give us what we've always wanted
a single connection
We're driving fast
trying to stretch the moments
and save the tears
for later dates when we're all alone
to sink like weights in water
For now we'll sing songs we don't know the words of
and look at each other like we've been blind from the start
What is it with these shaking hands
every time I refuse to look back

I've lost myself
rhyming with reason
and listening to the abivilant symphony
of what it feels like to be
They are calling me back
while I argue with the past
and tell them no
I have moved on
They will not take no for an answer
I try to find rest with in this
but  always seem to wake up screaming
I am finding my own way
to make do
with the cards I've been handed
and the time I've been given
to make things right
one foot forwad
but I'm taking twelve steps back

Do you feel yourself giving in
or does it happen so gradualy
that you wake up one day
and you find yourself in too deep
Our arms are swinging back and forth
Screaming for fun like children
and spining in circles until
our legs give
I am writing the past down on napkins
in restaurants
with old coffee
and I am at the point of realization
that everything means nothing to me
with the stale smell of smoke
I fall backwards
and hope someone will catch me
for once this seems to be the right thing
it never is

I want to tell you about
running in the woods
and having your face whipped by tree branches
while your step-father calls from the porch
drunk off infamy
and I want to tell you about
hiding in hollow trees
so your mother does not see the bruises
only to ignore them
I want to tell you about how easy it is
to become a lonely child
for the rest of your life
and how friendly you can get
with the smell of decay
But I won't

I am screaming
but not loud enough
you are convulsing in the bathtub
while the silky porcelain burns your skin
and the blood pools in your back
I am banging tiny fists against locked door
Calling you back
and begging your distant eyes
to look at me
******* your skin is too cold
and your bones
they have broken
I rap my arms around your hollow body
and sink into the idea of becoming the past

I am so sick of writing
these pretend
love stories
and stupid poems
all about you
and everyone else
who has ever showed me
the slightest attention
But I am addicted to
these little make believe
notions
and making myself into
something extraordinary

As the night drags on
Your eyelids become far too heavy to hold up
Tongue starts to swell
And swallowing becomes a challenge
Your eyes are dry
Your neck is tight
Suddenly the mind can’t help
But to drift
To a darker place
Far to cold
You shiver into sleep
And hope
It’s brighter in the morning

We climbed under bed sheets in our day clothes
and I remembered how soaked my moccasins were
thinking of the salt stains that would soon be there
and how pretty you looked when your eyes were closed

My eyes fought exhaustion with drooping lids
and I drank black coffee like I needed it to live
we washed away our secrets from the day in muddled whispers
and soon decided to go for a cigarette

Climbing out of bed like skeletons from coffins
Dressing for the weather in hats and jackets with boots
We ran across the street and almost slipped on the ice
six times

In the back yard of an old abandoned house
We stood facing the the water
I could swear you were changing
beneath the street lights and heavy breathing

It’s time for me to let go of this
but I don’t know if I’m strong enough
I’m worried that this won’t be good for you
I just can’t keep doing this to myself