I can solve problems
Can find the tangent of any angle
I can hablo en espanol
And identify the elements of a compound

But I don't know how to talk
Don't know how to touch
How to laugh, how to feel
Or know how to do anything that matters

the absence of lamplight reveals the world behind
the usually covered french doors;
as the world becomes darker the sky glows purple
an eerie bruise
frozen into being.
streetlights and porchlights add their own interpretations
on how trees should be covered
and the pines, green in daylight
turn into purple, black, green and orange towers
hiding the hospital below
which shares their transformation with the light from the apartments

It feels too early for them to be playing the ******* Wii
and I realize I can't even see them
but I feel each of them step on my head
hear each of them yell at me to wake up
that I've been asleep too long.
I roll over and try to my eyes
but realize they're already open, and have been.
I unclench the blanket
from my stomach
which is screaming near as much as my head.
And I quit blaming the headache and stomachache on them-
they are fast asleep
and I'm just hallucinating their presence
and 6 in the morning
because those aren't dreams
they are hallucinations.
Or so I find when I take my phone out of my pillow
(beating it on the ground because i can't find the end of the case)
to see why my phone alarm hasn't gone off.
my phone says it is 2:30
and I realize that I set the clock three and a half hours ahead
in my half lucid state.
I stand,
separating myself, in a less than graceful manner
from my brothers carpet.
I stumble through the doorway
lit by the lamp he always keeps on
through the dark hallway
and into the bathroom.
I flip on the light and shut and lock the door in one movement.
my eyes are tired and bloodshot
my head and stomach hurt.
I let a small stream of cold water go
and splash it over my face and open eyes.
that does nothing.
I through more water over my front.
no effect.
I try to scream but no sound comes out.
I open the the door
letting the lock pop loudly enough to deserve a four hour lecture.
I'm tired of lectures.
I stumble back to my makeshift floor bed
and try to lay down.
my stomach complains
I can't bend all the way.
I pick up my blankets and pillows
(silently screaming)
and carry them to the small couch.
I flip the tv stand over and throw grandma's blankets and pillows
I'm done giving a ****.
I throw my bed down and lie there.
for two and a half hours I try to sleep.
I'm too tall
I decide around five.
I stand
throw the tv stand
all the other pillows and the phonebook
the other way
and lay down on the large couch.
it takes me fifteen minutes to fall asleep.
forty five minutes later
I wake up to him screaming at me.

Speak softly and make my ear tremble.
I'm so sorry if I cannot hear.
For once I am so lost
and so afraid.
Breathe heavily next to me so that
my stiff body melts into the sheets.
My apologies if I do not feel.
I'm taken away, for only a moment.
For only a second.
For only a minute.
I'm taken away from this world,
and put in a small room.
A small room in a big castle,
and the large stones are made of only scenes,
and snippets.
And fragments.
Of the darkest corner,
of my young psyche.
So if for just a moment,
your finger tips are on my waist,
making my entire body shatter.
I want you to remember that I apologize,
for being lost for a moment,
to explore the mind
I once knew.