I cant say I feel anything.  Anything at all.
I should be mad.
I should be crying.
screaming.
But im not.
Im numb. Numb enough to let sorry just in one ear and out the other.
Numb enough to keep you.
numb enough to give you the chance to hurt me again.
I want to cry. But im afraid if I do then ill show I care to much.
walls were once destroyed only because I let you... but im too numb now to even try and build them again.
Ill sit here like broken glass just waiting to be swept up and thrown in the trash like many times before.

Snowcat,
Robotic heart beats turned into an unforgettable flatline
Growing up with a bestfried that silenced every bit of fear you've ever felt does something to you

The past 4 years I've wondered what my life would look like if your heart was still pumping.
For 54 hours I watched you lay there lifeless
As machines turned you into a puppet because your lungs couldn't preform the task alone

Your body swollen and beaten by a flipping car and an intense impact that killed your father instantly

I can imagine your head hitting the windshield
As my head pounds from the thought of you being in pain

I can imagine you screaming "DADDY!!!"
As my heart breaks just as easily as every window in the car did

So as I write this eulogy
My hands shake and my paper becomes the pool we swam through the week before the accident

C.A.L
Lover of outdoors, perfect hand holder, and dream catcher
Your heart was more beautiful than the moon that I gaze at every night
238,900 miles away ( something only you would know )
Which is how far I feel from you as they lay your coffin 6 feet below the ground I'm standing on.

Your dimples could steal anyone's heart.
Your eyes. Oh your eyes I would **** for
I miss the laugh that made me laugh harder and the hugs that made me hug tighter.

You Snowcat were the love I never got to feel

As your heart stops mine does too because living a life without you doesn't seem like much of a life at all

He made me feel trapped
My mother said in a tone that made me check under my bed twice at night
I never understood why my mom  referred  to her husband as he or him
Maybe she didn't want to take ownership of her mistakes?
My mother has never been the type of person to let her emotions break levees
I guess that's why I always thought she was so strong

I wondered if some nights she was terrified
Lying next to a man that made her heart feel like a needle to ballon
Their marriage like a torpedo to a boat

I wondered if some nights she wanted to run
If she could just slip between the wall and the lock close the door quietly she could be worry free
I wondered why my mom never cried or
If she waited for the two baby girls in the room across from her to close their eyes?
Or when she sinks beneath the bubbles in the bathroom she handcrafted with her fingertips


My mother went on like this for too long.
I wondered many nights if my mom was ever really in love
I wondered why mom kept holding on  
I wondered if mom could sleep

Cause I know when her eyes saw her eye lids pictures of dad with another woman would be painted
I wondered when my father wrapped his arms around my mother he was wishing it was the one he slept with the night before
I wondered if when my father kissed my mother she would hold her breath
Holding on to the next time she could exhale exhale

My mothers foundation never cracked nor dripped anything but love
My mother never let sleepless nights get the best of her
My mother still smiled as if her wedding vows were still sitting on her tongue

10 years later my moms eyes still water like the night she shoved me and my big sister in the car and drove away

My mother still loves like her heart has never been ripped and slashed from her chest  

My mothers levee will never see a flood

I love him.  I've loved him since the night we sat on that swing pouring out every piece of our hearts in October.
& its a love that wrecks and worries but it's also a heart that smiles and tickles and stares for no reason. It's a love that has you falling apart on a Saturday night but then it's a love that has you feeling blessed on that Sunday morning. It's a love that has left me with a damp cheek an empty bank account and angry nights. It's a love that makes me feel like the sky. Never ending ... mysterious but absolutely beautiful. He's not a dream he's real. Definitely real. And sometimes people say things like "why him" "Why can't you just leave him"
But I just laugh. I used to wish for a type of love like this. And out of all of the types of love it's a love that revives & forgives in the morning
It's not a love that holds grudges & walks out
I will always love your never shaved face, your long talks about music, rude jokes and all
Our love is revival
It makes each other new every morning with every smile and every look
It's a love that waits hours for a text and a love that makes life a little sweeter.  

It's a love that calls in the morning and says "I miss you. Even though I saw you last night"

The smell of Adidas sports cologne kissed my nose as i gripped your door handle and swung open the chance to finally be involved in something great.

Your eyes were this deep blue color that I wanted to dive into just so i could pretend to drown and you could save me.

i couldn't quite figure out why i so badly wanted to be your forever but i knew that when your hands held mine forever didn't seem so far away.

because
your hands were home
your heart was lovely
and your lips made my heart beat fast and my hands shake

your cheeks always turned this red pink color when your mom told me things that embarrassed you and your fingers always brushed your hair back as the wind tried to push it forward

your eyes were mind blowing
your ears were forever listening
and i never could figure out why when i stared into your eyes i couldnt hear a thing

i didn't ever need anything. because when you held me i knew i had it all

i don't care what anyone else thinks when when they look at you because

when i look at you. i see something so beautiful
when i look at you. my heart sometimes beats a little too fast
when I look at you.. i cant help but want to be the girl you love forever
but i know that forever never means forever


forever means until someone else better passes by
forever means until my mothers decides
forever means until i feel like loving you is too much a task

love should always come as natural as breathing becomes easy..
love is not a task
love is not a mission

love is simple.
love tries, love kisses sweetly and never wants anything else
love is the way i feel when i see you and i think that im your forever
but isn't forever a little too far fetched

I was just a little girl to young to understand the meaning of your belittling words and the way you grabbed her.
The way you just did what you did like I couldn't see a thing
You stood there screaming and making my mother feel the absolute worst she ever could all because you though she was "late" for the third time
You put your finger in her face waving it side to side as if she had something to owe you, and at five years old I didn't know if I should run in my room for try and put the complicating pieces together
I didn't know why two weeks later you ran off or why for some reason you couldn't call after slapping my mother in the face because she was late
If only I was old enough to understand and tall enough to reach my three and a half foot self up and slap you right back for making my mother feel like a fool
But that same blood that sacrificed so much for me and my big sister couldn't slap you back?
Maybe it's because she had too much respect for the five year old standing in front of this all of a sudden David and Goliath match off
I thank you now
Thank you for slapping ever piece of a woman out of my mother because at that moment it finally slapped some sense in her brain to leave you and then to never speak of your existence again.

I'm just living for moments to make me feel alive but in the end I'm still always empty.
Or maybe that feeling just comes from how you left me alone that night
No explanation, no call, no nothing
Just the wondering in my soul of what I did or what I said
You told me their was no girl like me but yet that was your excuse for being inside of all of them
I'm glad I didn't settle for all your pathetic lies and the things you said to try and make me feel like I'm something I'm not.
In reality I'm lost and broken but you could never see that
I felt for you
I still feel but it's nothing but hate.

Love is a 4 letter word that i refuse to believe because of the way i saw my mom break when my dad walked out
Because of 1 syllable that can destroy every bit of a beating heart
Love is a 4 letter word that i refuse to believe because in 3rd grade when my best friend told me he loved me he stabbed me in the back and stole my favorite pencil

Because love feels god when lips are touched and promises are made but what about when tears shed or when the first boy who says he "loves" you kisses your best friend and lies like a coward leaving ur heart ripped and shredded
Love IS cruel and  love IS rude and boastful

Love is why piggy back rides and video games are so fun and why two dollar burritos and mountain dew taste so good
but Love is also why falling off your bike hurts so bad or why failing the only test you studied all night for kills your gpa
Love takes away pain but then shoves it right back into your wounds

Love is a 4 letter word i refuse to believe because of the way I see the  old couple walking down the street and I'm scared that won't ever happen to me

Our explosive behaviors where the water you which you were mixed with the cesium i am , or you claimed me to be

the atmosphere which we claimed to breathe from was hydrogen sulfide and yet that angiosperm which we claimed was poisoned with love never spouted.

however both of us being from the biosphere you acted like something that fell off of saturn full of air and water

you say my attitude was the reactant from which your heart thawed and combusted
though i believed other wise because your brain was made from only 1 cell and your heart was made of arsenic which flowed through my veins the night your lips infected mine.

Our relationship was not a commensaism and you did not harm me while i harmed you

your foolish frequencies flopped me right to the bottom of your food chain where fugus flourished and fooled me right into falling for you
our love was the hypothesis proven correct of Romeo and Juliet killing both of us in the end

you were an invertebrate that sent lighting through my limiting factor dressing me with barium
but too much pressure on my heart caused a reaction that Einstein himself couldn't solve

She’s been fighting
a world war
with herself
for a long time now.
 
And her mind is trying to create
an atomic bomb
for her heart.
While her heart raises an army
for her mind
 
And the war, like them all,
Tears her apart from the
Inside,
Out.
 
And all the old people ask
What she wants to be
When she grows up
 
And she responds
"happy"
With a smirk.
 
Because she knows she won't be
And the old people know it too
Because war is never truly won,
It is merely deferred
to the advantageous
 
So as her heart
And her mind
Play tug of war
With high strung emotions
The balance is tipped
And the battle is won
But the war is far from over.
 

I remember the way his voice melted my heart like a paper plate melts in the microwave when u heat it for more than 6 seconds

I remember the way holding you at night was such a privilege because for those few fast moving moments I had the world and every star ever spoken into creation lying in the crease of my elbows

I once asked someone why love hurt so bad  his response was a cliche john green quote that sounded a little something like
"pain demands to be felt"
Which in my response sounded a little something like
"pain is a pain in the ***"
But it's quite true
What would love feel like without pain.

Perfect?
Because perfect seems to pleasing

I want the 3am fights about how you didn't kiss me sweet enough or the moments when I felt like loving you was too hard for me

You see you were the john to my green you were the fault in every star that the galaxy birthed because your flaws we're more beautiful than any constellation

Please don't forget the way my lips pressed gently to yours
And please don't forget that the same moon that You see at night is the same moon that I look up to praying God will save us .

And I hope it's some day soon

His name meant worker of roof tiles
Putting together the new roof work on  my house that was once destroyed by everyone that has ever stepped foot near it
You glued it sealed it and made sure it could never be damaged again
Your work was very expensive and cost me happiness at times.
I remember when you first told me you loved me and that was the day that I knew my house would never be ruined by any natural disaster again.
I knew that if you saw something in me that I couldn't even see in my self you were it.
I knew that eventually the slow sweet kisses would go and that storm wold strike again
But the battles were fought
The kisses got sweeter and my tile is still secure by the greatest man I've ever known

Your fingers intertwined the hands of a broken heart, and your eyes stared into the soul of desperate girl
Your words made everything in me come back to life but at other times crucified me just the same.
Your legs chased me around the house, while smiling and making me forget everything outside those four walls
Your lips made me forget what anyone else's ever felt like
Your tears drowned me and filled me with every single bit of your emotions
Your arms held me while soaking your t-shirt because I just wanted us to be okay.
Your mind made me fall into everything we are like a black hole in the middle of something beautiful
You.
You made me everything I've always wished to be
And You simply are remarkable.

If I tell you I love you will you say it back or would you just give me an excuse for why you can't feel the same
If I promise you I won't leave will you believe me or you would take advantage of that
If I reach for your hand will you act like you don't see it or would you grab it and not let go
Could we be the type of people that don't care what anyone else says
If I tell you things I keep within would you tell the people that try and **** me or swear you'll never say a word
If everything tries to ruin us would you let it or fight for me
If people say we aren't meant would you buy into their words or forget they even spoke
Could we be the type of people that wont let society shape us  
If I write you poetry would you read between the lines or would you throw it away with the other pieces of that unwanted  tree
If I try and pull you in will you **** away or kiss me sweetly
Could we be the couple who never changes our minds
Lastly.
If I loved you like I've ever loved another being could you love me more or leave me pondering for a savior