everybody else is in the ocean
forgetting how to breathe.

if you're looking to drown me,
tell me you love me,
and i'll follow you down.

or tell me about how the fishes
glow, invite me
to dive.

i'm trying to lose myself
and you, in the process.

everything is so blue now.

we could go deeper and revel
in inky blackness, around us.

to wrap ourselves in it
and disappear completely.

i don't need to hear this tale anymore
themed me versus some other girl
and all the ways in which I could be better

take a pill, take a breath, i'm not going to forget

my first crush pointed to a long-haired princess
and said she was beautiful

i cut two paper dolls
held us up to the light
saw she outshined me
a thousand times over

i am not enough
is what middle school
has taught me

when people laugh
it's not always a good thing

my mom should keep telling
my brothers
to be good boys

there aren't enough of them

and everybody's hiding a knife somewhere

there are people who could fill wells
with blood from the wounds they cause
and two more for all the **** tears

i get more biting comments
than plants get oxygen
maybe you don't understand
but I've got self-hate down to an art

and i don't need to hear that tale
anymore
when it's the one i know by heart

i cannot dream big
i dream backwards
and forwards
and dream myself out
of situations, into coffee shops
with strangers

i cannot dream big
if and when things happen,
so they shall
and i want the constants in my life
to be the following:

sunsets
flowers
laughter
and your hand in mine

there's always a reason to be happy
like meeting up with you
in the dead of the night
sparkling eyes
in dreams

every part of me
wants to get away from me
every part of me knows
I don't like me
and every part of me
wants something else to hold

life does this thing
in which it leaves you little gifts
like in exchange for the sting
its palms bring
when they hit your face -
first this side, then the other,
as if it could cover up the redness

far from comfort, consolation,
soothing - it exhausts and exasperates
like being stepped on
and ground with the heel, you break
into little pieces
before shattering completely

frustrated sobs leave you gasping for air
you believe there's hope when
there's nothing there
what am I going to do when I'm scared
that every next step
will be the one that falls through,
come crashing and have no one
to help me up or hold my hand

life is like the father,
who will end up leaving you,
how when he threw you in the air
his arms were outstretched,
but you never quite knew,
whether or not he'd actually catch you

I tried making a poem
with internal rhyme and
ended up with a masterpiece
of spacebars and enter keys

I'm done forcing poems out of me
strings of words tied in bows don't
flow, if I must bleed words, self-inflict
a few choice cuts that will change things

contained in the walls of a room called mediocrity
I will wallpaper them with truth and
learn inspiration, like
a second language
or the better half of me

a wall is a solid and sounds are vibrations
and my heart beats strong enough to shake foundations
neurons pass messages around in my head
it says: in second grade
we learned sound travels fastest
in solids and

I know I will be heard

why don't you like me
when i'm twisting myself this way and that
and running to catch your wandering gaze

why don't you like me
when I obviously like you
and I'd pretend not to know the homework,
the lamest excuse, steal a few minutes of your time
and talk to you

i'm not letting my heart bleed
when you're not even around to see
but give me your word
and i'll squeeze it empty
to make room for you

I am not ready for love
but i'd paint you in my dreams
tie a string around my pinky
write your name along
my palm lines,
on the backs of my eyelids.

tell me
that every breath is a breath for you
and every step,
a step with you,
so I don't forget
and leave everything behind

I will keep your heart in mine


maybe you'll keep me
alive