to feel again.

365 days ago
I fell for you.

222 days ago
You broke up with your girlfriend
and told me your secrets until
5:30 in the morning.

187 days ago
I felt you drifting away
and I held on, white knuckled.

171 days ago
I watched you
fall for her.

134 days ago
I took control of my painful thoughts
and went on medication.

28 days ago
I kissed a different boy in front of you
and I watched you watching us.
I can only hope you felt a fraction
of what I felt about you.

1 day ago
I realized I was over you
and I don't think you can handle it.

Sertraline (Zoloft) is used to treat depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder, panic disorder, anxiety disorders, post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), and premenstrual dysphoric disorder (PMDD).*

Why do I feel more empty
when I am full of pills?

My
short temper
aims for the ones
I love
with unbeatable precision.
My friends,
decorated with battle scars,
continue to stay
only to be cut
by my sharp words.
My apologies no longer
remedy the pain
I have caused.
When my fuse
is burning,
my loved ones
run for cover,
and I can't
stomp out the flames.
My path for
self destruction
is all too familiar.
I have yet to discover
why I feel the need to destroy
any person who tries to show me compassion
while on my lonely journey.

I blamed you
for being who you are,
****** up mind and all,
when I should be at fault
for deluding myself
into believing
you wouldn't break my heart.

Her lips quiver
in normal conversation,
she aches to release her demons that have
recently grown so strong.
She's waiting for someone
to unearth the secrets shes buried
in shallow ground.
Her secrets are hidden
in plain sight.

Her secrets are on sale-
up to 95% off.
She's holding a sign that reads
"Everything must go."
But who would pay for
a sad girls secrets?
Why should we be burdened
with her pain,
when we can barely manage
our own?

How am I supposed to
get over you, when you are always there?
When you are with my best friend?

Hearing your tight lipped laugh
rips me apart.
My best friend is now called
your girlfriend.
You are now my childhood night terror,
my embarrassing memory,
the scar on my forehead that never quite healed correctly.

You are now the awkward, off limits subject
we can't talk about.
You are now the name people feel uncomfortable
uttering around me.
You have embedded yourself so deeply
into me
that I think I'm stuck with you
forever.

I flinch
when you reach for my hands.
I squirm
when your arms wrap around me.
I’m sorry
that I can’t love you.
I’m sorry
that I keep running.

We are newtons third law of motion
you are the action,
and I am the equal and opposite
reaction.

I will leave you
where my cap lands, discarded
on the arena floor.
I will shake your hand for the last
time as I receive my diploma.
I will trap you in between
the pages of my yearbook.

I will pack you away in a box
with my baby pictures,
and when I unearth you in seven years
you will smell like teenage heartache
and damp newspaper.