i never really liked that new haircut
or the way you smelled like her perfume
or the way you looked at me
like you were a crimescene and i the criminal
i tried to talk to the monster under my bed
i grabbed its ankles and dragged it from beneath the mattress so i could study its features
it was your face i was staring at

and what about all the times you kissed me like it was worth going to hell for?
i know what your lips taste like
i know how your beating heart feels against my hand, my lips, my cheek
i know the way you gasp surprised when i kiss you
as if you can't believe i did that
even though i have done it so many times before
and its 1:36 in the morning and your towel doesn't smell like you anymore
i cried when you told me you loved me
i cried when i didn't say it back
i cried when i didn't say it back that night after you ****** me
i cried when you told me i was your hurricane
i didn't cry when you left
you left me an empty bottle of wine and a note
"this is what i drank the day you told me my lips tasted like you"

my third kiss was with a boy
his eyes were the colour of five suicide attempts and a dead father
and his lips tasted like he had been hurt twenty-seven times too many
he told me he loved me after five months of being together
his lips tasted different after it
i never said it back

I am more than nine cuts because they think I want attention
I am more than a left shopping cart in an empty car park
there's something behind these walls
my mother used to tell me not to drown in the body of my lover because no matter how much you love, baby, no matter how much you want it -- you will never be able to breathe under water
I am not in love
I am not someone you kiss back
don't think I won't trace the map with my lips until I find your roots, until I can **** out all the memories you buried in the ground
I taste you
you taste like a battlefield
I wish I could **** the war out but all I can is breathe smoke into your lungs
all I can is breathe
and my heart, baby, my heart will never stop beating but I have to keep in mind that it does not beat for anyone but me
no matter how hard it works when you're near, no matter how much it wants you -- it beats for me
but that doesn't mean I can't capture you in it
paint you with angry strokes of grey and black because that's all we are
that's all we've ever been

i am so far gone
i do not know the difference between your name and a prayer
my words get lost in the wind
in the storm
in your storm
i am ***** from crawling through the mud of your heartbreak
i am aching because your wind always blows the wrong way
i am soaked and i don't know if these are tears or raindrops
i am a wooden cabin and your rain is seeping through the cracks