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 Feb 2014 Azrael-Always
Liz
Untitled
 Feb 2014 Azrael-Always
Liz
Who was my mother before
she met my father and learned to scream?

Did she wear her hair long and loose,
the thick sheets of burnt oak wheat curled
habitually between her young piano fingers?
Did she stop singing Sam Cooke when people
came in the room? Did cigarets find their home
between her smiles, were curses running  
like bitter saliva through her teeth?

Most importantly: Did she come home one day
--to Pa folded in his armchair, hands tucked tight
against his sides, whiskey to his right, Ma fixing  
dinner with an eye on her dead sons's picture,
Franny working the late shift down at the tracks,--
and know that every night would be shorter than the next
until she was the ghost walking the bright foreign halls
of married life.
what are you waiting for.
      he used to say to me,
a silly song that used to numb the very *tip
of my ears-
           a silly song that used to make the very tip of my tongue dance-
the stretch up his neck, the range of his chest, the span of his lips-
           and he'd swear that he'd love me never  using the word forever
because he said that there was no need,
                      his love was indefinite
and now I'm asking him what he's waiting for and he's telling me
       something better
and I'm wishing that I could travel back a few months younger
                    so that I could tell him:
*everything
(I don't like question marks)
I told you my story
Because you looked like
You could deal with it
I told you about my demons
You said they were
Barbies compared to yours
I was enveloped in your life
For months that seemed
Like forever
But now your hands
Are clutched on to hers
Like lovers at the parking lot,
Just as something in me knew
You would find your way
Back to her heart
Still, you're the song I keep singing
The poem I keep writing
And I don't know why
She's a sight to see, so are
I shouldn't have kissed you
I shouldn't have believed you
When u told me she was your past.
The no love lost in your eyes
That I saw was only
A strong illusion
Because  your fingers are
Now coiled with hers,
And you lock your gaze upon her Magnificent beauty as if she was a Kaleidoscope of rich,
Mesmerizing luminary
Never once taking notice of
The dark, tall skinny girl
Standing across you;
Solidifying my insignificance.
You're sheltered in one heart
And I'm left to wonder
If I ever meant
Anything to you
The brutal reality
Leaving me with shreds
Of illusions of love
To you
We never happened
Repost
You the manipulator,
How stupid was I
To believe the lies you told me
Telling me you love me,
That I am the one
And you haven't told anyone this before,
Making me feel special,
Telling me it's okay, just one more time,
It's okay I won't tell anyone,
Just the tip, please, one more ****.
Why I didn't walk out of that room,
I ask myself everyday.
I wasn't as strong as I am now,
I was young and naive.
Naive of what you were telling me
And the actions you were making,
Putting my hands where you wanted them
And saying it's okay
When your dad was sitting right there.
But you never returned the favor, did you?
How stupid was I to believe your lies and let you manipulate me
To make me believe I wanted to do the things you were making me do,
To make me think I was acting out of love,
But look at you, selfish you,
I see through you now.
How you've done this to thousands of girls
And they fall for it every time.
They fall for your looks and your charm,
But little do they know,
You're a disgusting excuse for a man,
Manipulating girls for ***
And making them believe you love them.
Look at you,
Selfish and manipulative you,
And I am finally seeing it.
They say when you fall in love
with someone
you just know.
well ****,
I got nothing

besides a gallery full of lost
dreams and drunk
text messages that don't
mean a thing
The only reason I knew it was you was because of the stupid ******* hat you always wore when we were together. Either that or I could spot you from a mile away. The fact that I have run into you so many other times astounds me. The universe can love you or the universe can give you what you need at that time, and I feel like either way I'm bound to lose.

You had your arm draped protectively and affectionately around her and I was completely surprised. And ******* angry. That too. I sat and sipped on my margarita like this was the most normal of all nights, like there wasn't a fiery red rage surging through my body. I went over to you and said hello, looked her right in the eyes, "I'm Kelly."

I knew you would move on quickly. I knew it wasn't right from the start. I knew your baggage and your past were things that I could not rescue you from. I knew ALL of these things and yet. Yet this is what happens.

I'm the girl that becomes replaced.
I'm the girl with good intentions but poor execution.
I'm the girl who asks you to stay,
When in reality I'm the one who ends up leaving.
But never soon enough...
Processing emotions.
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