do you remember how you felt
when you were a little kid
and you discovered a trick, a life shortcut
like closing your eyes when you prayed into the cup of your hands
and you weren’t sure if the adults knew it
but you decided to tell them anyway?
you felt brave and proud of yourself
for figuring it out
and very smart too-
but the adults already knew it
and you feel so hurt and stupid
and angry
and
i want to go back to the moment
just before i told the adults
and felt brave and proud of myself
for figuring it out
and very smart too-
and not knowing of the things to come.

You care too much for me
And people call me a *****
But I call this
Self-defense
And I shall honour my younger, past self
Who never wanted to hurt
and be hurt
And be like those girls
Crippled by emotions
Whose love was their downfall
I am sad and I push people away
Please,
Let me push you away

I write words and words and words
all about you
I pretend that you will read them
Though I know you won't.
If you do- I am sorry.
If you don't- I am sorry that I am.
Please, don't give me another chance.
(Lies, all of them.)

and all those secrets we couldn’t keep
they buzzed around like bees
like bees
(i say we but it is just in fact,
you)

the cigarette smoke we couldn’t shake
choked our lungs,
overwhelmed our days
(i say our but it is just in fact,
me)

scars we couldn’t rid
stained our sleeves
our sleeves
(i say we but it is just in fact,
you)

the girl down the road sold her love
and Nicholas never liked chocolate
so I bought him a lolly
when he came over to visit
me and my parrot
Alicia
and my dog
Kenneth
named after the children who jumped
from the bridge I always passed
to and from from work
the train was a putrid colour
with putrid smells
and the hippie who sat across from me
wore crosses around his ankles
his name was Jim
and in winters when it was cold
he would offer me a Styrofoam cup of tea
from the bakery three stops before mine
and the orange of the train wouldn’t look so putrid anymore
and I scuffed my shoes on the cobblestones
and ignored the lineouleum stains
and waited for spring
to rebirth flowers I would pick (illegally) again