if i could be anything,
it would be happy

if i could say anything,
it would be amusing

if i could create anything,
it would be beautiful

If i could know anything,
it would be music

if i could know anyone,
it would be myself

if i could see anything,
it would be nature

if i could be anything,
it would be happy
..happier..

if i could say anything,
it would be amusing
..need courage to speak ..

if i could create anything,
it would be beautiful
.. need more skill to create..

If i could know anything,
it would be music
..need time

if i could know anyone,
it would be myself
..dear diary..

if i could see anything,
it would be nature
..i could open a window..

Down and up and back and forth.

Spread and closed and gripped and tightened.

Hold, hoist, suspend, ignore.

Now repeat.

Loosen, push, release, shun.

Pretend, smile, lie, abandon.

Capture, bind, cut, mourn.

Repeat.

Lure, torment, hide, shame.

Slice, blame, stab, stitch

Hide, cover, untie, discard.

Repeat.

Today is something new,
Leading me,
The gravel digging in.

The smells gets stronger,
My heart pounds,
Wincing at each tug.

Pulling me away from the lifeless body,
I need to know,
Please let me look.

I pull against my bonds,
Gagging and wheezing,
The need to know is overwhelming.

You grip my collar,
Lift me up off my feet,
Carrying me away, cursing.

Today was new,
You lead me and then scolded,
I wish you didn't say walkies.

They say many things,
They welcome you into the world,
They say it's safe
They make you feel welcome
They make you feel that your already battered body is beautiful

You smile nervously
You cringe and wince at the sound
You get used to the sound
You learn not to look
Your the one being smiled and looked at

I'm in a cage,
I'm on display
I'm touched
I'm felt
I'm exposed

I loved him,
I was his slave
I bent over backwards to please him
I said sorry when it wasn't my fault
I ignored the other girlfriends

They invited me in
They made it all okay
They said It would be fine
They avert their eyes
They scoff and titter

He held me down
He put me in a head lock
He forced his fist through my face
He dislocated my jaw
He said it was my fault he lost his temper

They say many things,
They welcome you into the world,
They say it's safe
They make you feel welcome
They make you feel that your already battered body is beautiful

You smile nervously
You cringe and wince at the sound
You get used to the sound
You learn not to look
Your the one being smiled and looked at

I'm in a cage,
I'm on display
I'm touched
I'm felt
I'm exposed

I loved him,
I was his slave
I bent over backwards to please him
I said sorry when it wasn't my fault
I ignored the other girlfriends

They invited me in
They made it all okay
They said It would be fine
They avert their eyes
They scoff and titter

He held me down
He put me in a head lock
He forced his fist through my face
He dislocated my jaw
He said it was my fault he lost his temper

You left the door wide open;
a chilling breeze replaced your presence.

All that is left is a face
and a name-not even
the sound or tone of your
voice can be remembered.
You left the door wide open;
a thin sheet of glass
separating our worlds.

You left the door wide open;
before you used my
heart as target practise.

You left the door wide open;
making sure none
can take your place.

As I say your name to the
darkness nothing is returned
not even an echo
As I scream your name
at the shadows
drowning my face into
my pillow;
tears falling down my cheeks

teary eyed I need your touch
your gentle hands
holding mr tight

Teary eyed I want your voice
in my head, your tone your pitch
-your kind soothing words
calming my sadness
taiming my anger
Teary eyed I shout
your name out loud-
my tormented soul
my bruised body
my scared life
Teary eyed I hope
teary eyed I wish
teary eyed I dream
falling slowly asleep

I'm bleeding
i'm bleeding for you,
I'm hurting was it because of you?

I pick up the knife and dig cutting my bruised body
I'm leaking onto the floor,
like a dripping tap
puddles of red surrounding my feet;
the ends of my pants soaking

I scream at the darkness
picturing your face I dig deeper

I'm trapped.
your image all around
I scream louder, feeling dizzy
falling into a heap
Bathing in my own blood
- I whisper your name
whimpering for help.

I'm lost in my own hell
my pain; my pain is over