There is a gnashing of teeth
a grate falling down on my leg
and I react to put my hand in his mouth
remembering the balance
between fight and play
looking out a train window
wondering why the fox
and other animals
cannot ride bicycles
but can run just as fast
the snarling dog that I love
lowers his head and I roll
off of my back to accost him
pinching his neck and
smoothing my hand on his face
as he swings his head back and forth
dancing with another man
for a crowd
as you walk on
the bridge above
tongue falling from his mouth
eyes aware
sparkling
like we are throwing a ball
but I know what he
may have forgotten
games turn into wars
and friends forget
I question my intelligence
when my brain and body
can't work
well enough together
so that I can only rely
on my brain
to think
when my body
has ceased to function
namely in the shower
when I am ready to go to sleep
not when I need it
forgetting
every memory that made a bond
unless you laugh
so I laugh
and he rolls onto his back
my hands fall
rub from his thigh to his stomach
watch his tongue clasp behind the grate
eyes hidden
behind their dams

There’s such a heavy
weight on my chest
that when I get
a chance
to take a deep breath
it is a shock of pure
joy through me
and for a few moments
after that
my hands do not shake
and my chest lifts

A deep breath should not
mean this much
to me
it is two lovers
at the airport
taking two
separate breaths
before running
to meet
one nearly crying
down the escalators
from pure joy
the other nearly crying
while they shift
from foot to foot
where the escalator
swallows itself 

I feel like I’m
breathing in 
ocean air 
for the first time
with arms open
in front of the 
blanket of pale blue

I feel like  
you must have felt
when you 
quit smoking
after months 
or just the
three day **** 
breathing better now
feeling normal now


My hands don’t
shake
my chest is not
so tight
lifting
up
for a few moments

Without warning
being with you
was like writing
with my left hand
making me think
we were
no longer
good together
and you agreed
and you have
always agreed
and you have always
said that you still love me
like I am your favorite book
but you don’t want
to have to
read me
every day
you’d rather
open me up
to look
at the dedication
then put me away
on the shelf
where I sit
next to
the geography books
of all the foreign girls
you have dated
you once
said in a hushed tone
to me
that there was
a language barrier
getting in the way
but opening them up
felt so good
because the
hills of their bellies and thighs
were not too
big
the rivers were
wet
and they liked to
explore your topography too
for hours and hours
in ways
my left hand
could not do
and so I am
your favorite book
that you remember
scenes from
questions from
with a smile
we didn’t work
and you agreed
and you laughed
as you said
we went through a lot
tell me what made it easy
to let me walk away
and stop being your home
but a book on your shelf
was it
the way my right hand
stopped working
and acted
like it was my left
was it that

I was jailbreaking
almost out
until my uniform snagged
on the barbed wire of the fence
I hung there limply
until I could
be taken down
the officer
was hinting
I’d be going
to the hospital
when a trash truck
passed by
and I pointed to say
that’s what
should take me
away
the police officers
kept me
in the car
too long
in the heat
until I started yelling
you wouldn’t leave a dog
in a hot car
with the windows up
why treat me
like less
is it because I said
I was trash
or because you agree
my first ride in a cop car
felt like it wouldn’t be my last
the seats were slippery slopes
I was tumbling down
when I had found a way
to lounge back there
with handcuffs on
I told the officer
that guy’s looking at me
and laughing
the cop looked over
looked back and said
now that’s who you would
call a ****
his temple bubbled with
as many fluid ounces of sweat
as my eyes cried
for my first ride
in a cop car
for calling my mom
a ****
for digging my nails
into my arm
when she hit me
and made me remember
she used to hit me
but told me
to forget
I told a dozen people
I did not want to **** myself
until the words became chalk
on the black asphalt of my mind
my fingers were so *****
from coloring inside
the lines of the lies
while I sat on a hospital gurney
with a security guard
who told me
I couldn't be alone
in the hospital bathroom
when the police
brought me
in like this
I couldn’t wash
any of this away

If you could have
told me I was
a broken clock
that's right only twice a day
and those two times
weren't enough
after so many years
I would have
stopped trying
to ***** a sail
in the middle of you
trying to make you
a boat
to go to new places on
I would have realized
we were at a port
in a city
already underwater
forgotten by all but few
but a few that forgot
love is an anchor
that pulls you
to the depths
until
you are choking on words
and spitting out tears
when I cried
next to you
I licked
the salted water
off of my lip
you told me
it was beautiful
how I tasted my own tears
and I learned an argument
could end
if I became beautiful
but I wish I had been told
that beauty
wouldn't stop arguments
from beginning
because I did my makeup
and lost weight
then worried
the paint on my eyes would smudge
as tears came out
and didn't have
the same body to hold
when I fell into fetal position
you didn’t catch me
acting beautiful anymore
but caught me
putting on the act
of looking it
I wish I had known
the two times a day
that I would be right
would not be moments
but a second each