The Artist

A papercut to the finger, a few words are born.
Words that sting your soul and draw your attention in more so than ****.
Words of love?  No more like words of scorn.
The day I die shall be a day you all will mourn.

A razor blade cut across the wrist, a few lines emerge.
From my heart, the darkness must be purged.
Attacking with crippling pain, it leaves my soul scourged.
Driven apart, the heart and soul must once again merge.
Regain myself and prove to all that once again I am in charge.
**** all who get in the way of my search
of discovering my true place on this plane known as Earth.
Leave me the **** alone and go back to worshiping the ****** Mary in your precious Catholic church.

A shot gun blast to the ******* head, blood pours down my ******* face
covering my entire face in red, my fate I come to embrace.
Blood flows into my mouth, I like its taste.
It’s laced with venom, so to you it would taste like toxic waste.

I take off my shirt as blood flows over my chest painting it red.
May this be my look on the day I finally wed.
Blood continues to pour out of my cracked open skull so I remove my pants as well.
Blood flows all over me covering me head to toe, isn’t that just swell?

I gaze upon myself in a mirror and marvel at my inner beauty.
Before I fade away and die, I have one last duty.
Completely covered in my own twisted blood feels right,
so here I go spilling it all out for you here tonight.

I take out a special pen and lie down on white paper.
This is my destiny you will read about in the local newspaper.
With blood soaking my pen, poem after poem spills out of my head.
These are words to inspire, not words to fill your heart with dread.
This is where my inspiration comes from.
This is me laughing as you nervously **** your thumb.
The words that spill out of my heart and soul are rich with meaning.
I’m tired of living with this ***** who’s so demeaning.
No one believes in a single word I say.
No one believes I can rediscover myself and build myself back up.
No one understands the pain I feel on a daily ******* basis,
that I bleed out in these twisted ******* poems.

I’m lost and spiraling out of control.
When the **** will I ever escape from this ruthless black hole?
These words I write, this art I create, is the legacy I will leave behind for all to find.
I am struggling and hope you reach out to help me instead of turning a blind eye
because I want you to appreciate my work before I die,
instead of gaining fame after death for all the wrong reasons.

I plan on rising up from these ashes like I have done before,
otherwise, I will fail and become another one of Satan’s ******.

Admissions

1
As my heart struggles to continue beating,
it’s time for me to open up and write a poem that I’ve been contemplating
to express the despair that plagues me every second of the day from the deep internal pain I feel that’s constantly repeating.
There are reasons that the words used in my poetry are my heart and soul constantly bleeding.
I feel my words are a cry for help and I’m constantly screaming,
because I fear, but slowly growing accepting, that one day soon I will no longer be breathing.
It may be the only way for I to begin healing,
since everything else I try fails and keeps my life from proceeding.
The only time I’m happy is when I’m dreaming,
even when I’m being attacked by the demons I’m constantly writing of and speaking.
Life is a lot less painful when I’m sleeping.
I’m not trying so hard to discover the answers I’m constantly seeking,
to stop my mind from constantly shrieking.
My words are not meant to be misleading
and I hope that you find them intriguing,
because one day I will no longer be around, now that is worth believing,
and all my work left behind will be yours to digest slowly through eating.

2
I don’t believe that I have ever felt true happiness before.
I want to feel it, even just once every day more and more.
I’ve felt moments of happiness but nothing sustained for long.
I’m not being over dramatic and my words are certainly not wrong.
A crushing darkness has been caste over me my entire life.
It’s the main reason I will never be able to find a wife.
I’ve always felt odd and out of place.
Every day has been a struggle even though I don’t show it on my face.
I feel that no one has truly understood me.
No one can imagine the pain I feel every second of the day and to what degree.
I feel like a loser and a failure in life.
It’s probably why I’m considering ending my life with a knife.
A shocking statement to make but one that is true.
Unfortunately, no one will ever care, not even when in the face I’m blue.

3
I’ve looked up and admired my father my entire life,
the same way I’ve looked up to and admired my mother, his wife.
He learned to play the guitar and played in many bands throughout the years.
He was quiet and humble and never showed any fear.
He faced many difficulties and overcame all of them while making it look easy.
He always kept himself busy.
While working a full-time job, he still found the time to play in a band and lead a church.
He was the president of the congregation and lead the last pastor search.
That same pastor was the one who did his funeral.
His sermon was heart felt, beautiful and suitable.
Pastors from all over the area showed up for the funeral.
Besides them, a lot of people showed up in general.
He lost a career that he liked and had for many years.
That was a stinging loss that brought to his eyes a few tears,
but he bounced back and attained a new career that he loved up until he day of his death.
He was at that job when he took his final breath.
He lived a full life and accomplished so many great things.
He’s up in Heaven now being treated like a king.
If only I could live up to his legacy and standards he set.
Maybe then, true happiness would be the award I would get.

This is why I feel like a failure.
This is why I’m losing God’s favor.
My heroes in life set the bar high for me to live up to.
I never can and that’s why I hope God strikes me down with a severe case of the flu.
All I’ve accomplished is jumping around from job to job every couple years, unhappy with every one of them.
I haven’t even learned how to play the guitar or even learn how to drum.
I graduated with a nice degree that hasn’t provided me with anything of substance.
I need to set a new course for my life but I have no idea how to make any adjustments.
Every step forward is instantly met with five steps back.
No wonder I feel like I’m beginning to crack.
I’ve written a lot of poetry and stories that no one gives a **** about.
So much for writing ever being my big break out.
I’m better off becoming an alcoholic and constantly blacking out.
At least I can drown out all of my pain and self-doubt.
I’ve done some moderate traveling and seen some cool things that doesn’t impress anyone.
I’ve gone too far too many concerts and found them to be fun,
but once again, no one is impressed.
Everyone looks at the bands I go to see and judges to music I listen to and assumes that’s why up in my head I’m such a mess.
I haven’t done anything big or exciting with my life.
Probably never will at the rate this is going.

Since my father died, my heart has struggled to beat.
My soul is shattered and far from being complete.
My will to live is on life support.
One of the only persons in life who believed in me set sail without me and left me stranded at the port.
I’m reading books to deal with grief,
but grief is hard to deal with when I’m struggling with my faith.
I pray to God every day to help me,
but I feel he may have forsaken me.
I look to him for guidance but my prayers go unanswered.
My soul cries out to him because it is badly battered.
When will life start to go my way?
Probably when my body is turned to clay.
Death seems to be the only way for me to discovered true happiness.
Hopefully God will forgive me for all of my naughtiness.

4
Loneliness is becoming an issue I’m struggling to treat.
Overcoming it will be quite the feat.
I lost my partner in crime of five years.
It’s a move that has provided me with many cheers and many tears.
Many of my fondest memories in life are with her by my side.
I’m afraid to admit that I miss her since that would hurt my pride,
but I’m not one known to lie.
I will cherish the great times we shared together until the day I die.
We went to Chicago together for a three-day music festival.
We had a blast remaining sober unlike many who had to turn to chemicals.
We drove to Miami together and went on a cruise.
The drive down alone was worth the trip and was far from a snooze.
Stopping in Chattanooga to see Ruby Falls,
was one great call.
Traveling to Key West and the Bahamas on a beautiful ship,
are memories that will last a life time and will always be with me even when the world is falling apart around me and I’m losing my grip.
Taking a road trip to Key West, Cocoa Beach and Orlando this year to end our relationship was the perfect way to end things.
It was hard saying goodbye to you, it really pulled my heart strings.
Having this perfect trip right at the end ending things in peace.
May our friendship survive and never cease.
I raised your daughter as my own for five years.
She still views me as her father and always will, that is clear.
Raising her as my own is my single proudest accomplishment in life.
I can go to my grave knowing I gave her my heart and soul as I did to you, even know it didn’t work out and I was unable to make you my wife.
I know my family is proud of me for the job I did as a father,
and continue to do despite the face I no longer live with her and her mother.
Living alone has been difficult on me.
It’s not how I imaged things would be.
I only have a few close friends and hope to make a few more.
I’m tired of feeling like just breathing every day is such a ******* chore.
I’m not sure what life still has in store,
but hopefully one day I will meet another great woman I can fall for.

5
I’ve never believed in mental illness.
Always thought the truth behind depression as something much more vicious.
I always thought that the cause of depression was more on the spiritual side,
not having God in your life when you are on a down slide.
Now I think I may be going crazy.
My thoughts are chaotic and I’m starting to get lazy.
My mind races every day and always thinks the worst of every situation.
I’m never happy with life and think I’ll be better killing myself off and facing damnation.
Can’t find a career to be happy with.
Can’t find a relationship to be happy with.
Can’t seem to find a quality job in life.
Can’t seem to do anything right.
I feel like an outcast destined to be alone.
I just wish one person would pick up their phone,
give me a call to see how the **** I’m doing.
Inside of me a storm is brewing.
I’m afraid it will be on display for you all soon for your own public viewing.
I really do hope that soon I will begin improving.
I just want to be happy and satisfied with life.
Please God don’t let me fall victim to the knife.

Condemned to The Guillotine

Condemned to the guillotine has been announced as my fate
for speaking the truth in hopes of setting everyone in the world straight.
But now it’s too late, pitch forks are rising up against me as everyone has voted to live life to its minimalist in a slave state.
I’ve been branded a traitor by my fellow primates.

Expose the world is controlled by Satan who’s manipulating your lives
and get attacked since you don’t want to give up ******* your ***** without making her your wife.
Expose that Nasa is a fraud and fakes every picture you see,
and get threatened with promises of being hung from a tree.
Exposes the world for not being round and shine a light on the fact that it’s flat,
and get assaulted with words laced with venom instead of having a friendly chitchat.
Bring the truths of the bible about Giants, Titans, Dragons and massive animals and plants to light,
get ridiculed and silenced since this information is far too much for your closed off minds to take in in one night.
Talk about the afterlife and the presence of spirits all around us,
get called crazy, insane, delusional, in need of medication because that is a topic no one wants to discuss.
The truth of the world and of our creation and history is far stranger than the false narrative that is shoved down our throats,
but everyone tunes out the lords amazing notes.

Condemned to the guillotine might be a blessing
since my life has become awfully ******* depressing.
Losing my father and seeing his dead body, there is no repressing.
Life for me has hit the brakes and I have stopped progressing.
A relationship, apartment, and job all lost.
Trying to take even one step forward comes with a tremendous cost.
A cousin now gone as well,
life has turned into a living hell.

Waking up in the morning, getting out of bed and functioning throughout the day,
is almost as difficult as burying my father on my 30th birthday.
The massive weight crushing down on me is suffocating.
When will happiness invade my heart, I’m tired of waiting.
When will positivity flood into my soul, it’s growing frustrating.
When will I find a career, I love and enjoy?  Constantly changing jobs is aggravating.
When will God use me to my full potential, I’m growing tired of waiting!
I’m tired of his plan for my life being so drawn out and calculating.

I’m always asked when will I finally write something happy,
or something full of love and sappy?
I wish I had an answer to that question.
I wish I could have a happy and positive writing session.
I’ve been given a gift that is more like a curse.
It allows me to feel the pain of the entire world, for better or worse.
Being so in tune with my spiritual self is torture.
No wonder people mistake it for a mental disorder.
I fight off demons every day,
that want to **** me, cremate me and caste my ashes out into a bay.
I know the truths of the world.
Know that so many people are already ****** to the underworld
because they have turned their backs on God,
and call the bible a giant fraud.
A book written by man to help you feel better about death.
You won’t be feeling that way after you take your final breath.
Condemn me to the guillotine all you want,
as you descend down, I’ll be above you ready to flaunt.