You tell me to go
Say we weren't nothing
I should see what else is out there
Decisions based off imbalance
Yet I can't find the door
Pray that you'll love me some more.

Please strike me down
Wearing that ******* crown
Sitting on a chair of bones
You watched me rot
Deep inside
I bathe in gasoline so please
Throw the match
Start denying me
I'd love to watch you scream
You cannot judge
Watch me swing from the rope
Been dead for a while now
Let me hang
Spread my hands wishing
To be a martyr
But I'll never be remembered for that
Just a mistake in your past

Crawl for acceptance
Beg for indifference
You're just an investment
A mere disappointment

Never going to be
Everything you want me to be

How can I change
If I'm the same person

**** me if you desire
Let me see the brightest hellfire

Everything you didn't ask for
Nothing like the last *****

Said I wouldn't let feelings creep
Now we're rolling way too deep

You know me far too well
Now you see my complete hell

Not who you want
Not when you wanted it
Not who you need
Not when you needed it

Both still here so that's just life.

Haven't been myself for a while now
In my head
Can't complain cause I've been here

Haven't been yourself for a while now
In your head
Still complain cause you don't hear

Everybody says that they love me
That they've got my back
But I don't feel it so
I simply can't believe that

So lonely and cold
So drunk and so bold
Been so long since I've felt something
But I know this moment is everything

I'm so far from anything
So close to finding me
Breaking down and growing up
Let me sleep or fill my cup

I'd love to meet you halfway,
I just don't think today is the day,
Wrap yourself around me,
Let whatever this is be.

Reflections of souls beneath the moon's glare,  
A cruel embrace leaves scars I must bear,
The fire of my past now a flickering flame,  
Faded photographs whispering names I don't claim.  

Crimson skies bleed with my forgotten cries,  
The weight of the past like a shroud that denies,
Chained to the moments that scream in vain,  
Like a tornado in my heart, driving me insane.

As the hourglass shatters, and time slips away,  
I embrace the blame, a small price to pay,  
In a labyrinth of memories, I search for the light,  
But every step forward pulls me farther into the night.  

In the mistakes of yesterday, where the sunlight fades,  
Disbelief in my veins and loathing that invades,
Acceptance deep in my soul,  
Hate entangles, a noose on a pole.

In the silence of dawn, I find peace in decay,  
As I stand on the edge, I'm letting the shadows stay,
I am the echo that I want to erase,
In my heavy heart may I find my place.

Haven't been myself
But who am I kidding
I don't even know who I am
I want you to stay
Want you to leave
I'm hoping I'm forever
And hoping you realize I'm not it
You call it sabotage
I call it suicide
Is it honesty do you think?
Depression or regression
Either way I don't like this
Don't pick me up
You wouldn't understand
Please I just want to bleed
Don't let me drown
Please I just want to breathe
You know this need
I know I'm ****** up
Won't even deny it
Do what you have to
Say what you want
I can't believe it nor want to
I love you coming off your lip
Fifty fifty but please
No coin flip

I'm back to the time
Of writing myself letters
Bargaining with myself
Reasoning with myself

Reminding me of all the things
I am
And all of the things I am not

My biggest critic has always been me
I just know I can't live in make believe

Just wishing I could see someone else.

I have reached the bottom of my soul
And seen the peak of my ability

The wasteland of trauma
Aided by my vices
Has led me to fear what is inside

I have climbed on broken glass
And seen the blood dripping
Only to not have moved an inch
And to have only hurt myself

I now have the wisdom
"Why am I climbing on broken glass?"
"This cannot be the only path."
I have turned around
Maybe I'll find flowery meadows

I have thought about being something
Other than myself

To be the smoke from an exhale
Of a shortening cigarette
Fading into the air.

To be a brown leaf
Of a dying tree
Falling to the ground.

To be the the bubbles
Of a powerful ocean wave
Incorporating back to the mass.

To be free of this mortal shell
Of despair and agony and turmoil
Drifting through the world.

Day in & day out.
My will to continue.
Crests and falls.
Whispers & exclamations.
Trials & tribulations.
Scorn & exaltation.
Enconium & condemnation.

Yet, here I am.

I crave love
Yet I desire distance.

I need somebody.
Yet I hate everybody.

I want to swim.
Yet I let myself drown.

I misseth mine own loveth. I wisheth f'r h'r to beest in mine own arms. To has't the warmth of h'r corpse. H'r soft toucheth and coequal softer gazeth.

I feel like my hands aren't my own
My body is no longer my own
My steps are hollow
My movements too animated
I feel the tide turning in my head
The waves are breaking
And only causing chaos
Lawlessness and disarray
Anarchy and pandemonium
.....

It's calculated
I am realizing all too late I'm losing
Something is changing
A modification
A shift
A revision
I feel I'm operated by somebody else
Not me but a variant
A voice akin to my own
A parallel that has made it clear
It will either win or it will destroy me.

.....

No more black and white
No more good and bad
No more hero and villain.

.....

All alone, not really.

.....

May you remember me
For who I once was

.....

This disease
No
This sickness
No
This ailment
No
This disorder
No.

.....

I now have a liberator
Guardian
Rescuer
Preserver
Salvager even.

.....

He has been saved
What you call *******
Oppression or tyranny
Jurisdiction or dominion
Is deliverance
Emancipation or independence.

.....

I woke up today
My hands felt like my own
My steps were substantial
My movements absolute and genuine
My ocean tranquil and mute
And for now, I recite a cantilcle
Of bliss and appreciation
To no god in particular.

I've won but at what cost
I've healed but who is lost
I stand strong on this mountain
Only to realize it is one made of bones

I've fought so hard
Cried and bled
One blink
And it all comes back
Blood in the sink
Little fractures and massive cracks

Then I look in your eyes
My little goddess
My parallel and gravity
And I realize that although
The bones are of friend and foe
I can't change any of it
Wouldn't change any of it

For now I will continue
Because of you and for you.

How could you
Steal my breath
My attention
My heart
In one
Simple glance.

And sometimes
I like to think
That what you did
Was intentional
That maybe you wanted to
And that you still want to
That maybe you needed to
And that you still need to.

Maybe you could be something
Somebody special
My somebody
But you will always be remembered
As the thief that stole from me.

Who knew I could do this
Watching myself bleed
Waiting for it to stop
Obsessed with the pain
Occurring often my acts of violence
Ostracized from reality
Assumed to be worthless
Actually just wordless
Afraid to describe just what I feel
Hating the situation
Hesitating to change it
Holding the razor blade still.

Knowing it hurts but staying close to the flame
My eyes continue to bleed
Little red teardrops
Hurting myself the same way
I put on disguises
Just to watch myself suffer
The mirror is just the devil
And I don't know where I am right now
I never change myself
Maybe I'm the problem.

Why would I lie
I feel nothing
No reason to try
And I'm sorry
I just want to die
What led to this
And who knows why

Oh maybe it's the childhood abuse
The heartbreak
The drug addictions
The ****** the coke the oxy
The **** and the trauma
The attempts on my life
The PTSD
Anxiety
Depression
I was just a kid
And I still raised myself
More than my parents ever did
So many different gods
And I'm still going to hell
Maybe I was once an angel
But **** look how far I fell

Let me tell you a story
Spin you a tale
It's just you and me
And my cigarette

That I wouldn't make it out alive
Make it to twenty five
Cause all I think about is hitting death row
Killing somebody with a knife
Or put that gun to my head and let it blow
Brain matter on the wall
Splatter and that's all
I have homicidal thoughts
Just dispatch somebody so quick
Who knew death could be bought
Let em ******* pain, just a lick
I guess I'm messed up
I guess I'm sick
I don't know what cause this
I don't know why this is in my head
And all the tears I shed
All I want in my face is lead
Elevating, delegating, and debating
Out of myself, leaving instructions, and deciding if I want to do this
But there wasn't any doubt
Cause all I want from this life is out
And yet I'm still here
But I still killed myself last year

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I'm no saint
I cannot capture it
Like a photo
I cannot describe it
Like a novel
I cannot draw it
Because I cannot paint

I shed the stress of my day
Off at the door
I shed my tears in private
So you don't see
I don't hide my emotions
Just for the sake of it
I don't tell you what is eating away
At my mind and heart
You try to see through the curtains
I don't like Hide and Seek
But if I even gave you a peek
I cannot let you see me when
What I see as me being weak
All these little things
I hope you never see
So you and I can focus
On just being we

Holding my little boy
I want to be everything
I want to be anything
He will ever need
He will ever want
I want to break the cycle
That I grew to know
That I knew was okay
I know better now
That what my parents were
Was not what my boy will get
I will not forget
And I do not regret
The ways I was raised
I will be better
And I stuck it in this poem
That is more of a letter.