I have thought about being something
Other than myself

To be the smoke from an exhale
Of a shortening cigarette
Fading into the air.

To be a brown leaf
Of a dying tree
Falling to the ground.

To be the the bubbles
Of a powerful ocean wave
Incorporating back to the mass.

To be free of this mortal shell
Of despair and agony and turmoil
Drifting through the world.

Day in & day out.
My will to continue.
Crests and falls.
Whispers & exclamations.
Trials & tribulations.
Scorn & exaltation.
Enconium & condemnation.

Yet, here I am.

I crave love
Yet I desire distance.

I need somebody.
Yet I hate everybody.

I want to swim.
Yet I let myself drown.

I misseth mine own loveth. I wisheth f'r h'r to beest in mine own arms. To has't the warmth of h'r corpse. H'r soft toucheth and coequal softer gazeth.

I feel like my hands aren't my own
My body is no longer my own
My steps are hollow
My movements too animated
I feel the tide turning in my head
The waves are breaking
And only causing chaos
Lawlessness and disarray
Anarchy and pandemonium
.....

It's calculated
I am realizing all too late I'm losing
Something is changing
A modification
A shift
A revision
I feel I'm operated by somebody else
Not me but a variant
A voice akin to my own
A parallel that has made it clear
It will either win or it will destroy me.

.....

No more black and white
No more good and bad
No more hero and villain.

.....

All alone, not really.

.....

May you remember me
For who I once was

.....

This disease
No
This sickness
No
This ailment
No
This disorder
No.

.....

I now have a liberator
Guardian
Rescuer
Preserver
Salvager even.

.....

He has been saved
What you call *******
Oppression or tyranny
Jurisdiction or dominion
Is deliverance
Emancipation or independence.

.....

I woke up today
My hands felt like my own
My steps were substantial
My movements absolute and genuine
My ocean tranquil and mute
And for now, I recite a cantilcle
Of bliss and appreciation
To no god in particular.

I've won but at what cost
I've healed but who is lost
I stand strong on this mountain
Only to realize it is one made of bones

I've fought so hard
Cried and bled
One blink
And it all comes back
Blood in the sink
Little fractures and massive cracks

Then I look in your eyes
My little goddess
My parallel and gravity
And I realize that although
The bones are of friend and foe
I can't change any of it
Wouldn't change any of it

For now I will continue
Because of you and for you.

How could you
Steal my breath
My attention
My heart
In one
Simple glance.

And sometimes
I like to think
That what you did
Was intentional
That maybe you wanted to
And that you still want to
That maybe you needed to
And that you still need to.

Maybe you could be something
Somebody special
My somebody
But you will always be remembered
As the thief that stole from me.

Who knew I could do this
Watching myself bleed
Waiting for it to stop
Obsessed with the pain
Occurring often my acts of violence
Ostracized from reality
Assumed to be worthless
Actually just wordless
Afraid to describe just what I feel
Hating the situation
Hesitating to change it
Holding the razor blade still.

Knowing it hurts but staying close to the flame
My eyes continue to bleed
Little red teardrops
Hurting myself the same way
I put on disguises
Just to watch myself suffer
The mirror is just the devil
And I don't know where I am right now
I never change myself
Maybe I'm the problem.

Why would I lie
I feel nothing
No reason to try
And I'm sorry
I just want to die
What led to this
And who knows why

Oh maybe it's the childhood abuse
The heartbreak
The drug addictions
The ****** the coke the oxy
The **** and the trauma
The attempts on my life
The PTSD
Anxiety
Depression
I was just a kid
And I still raised myself
More than my parents ever did
So many different gods
And I'm still going to hell
Maybe I was once an angel
But **** look how far I fell

Let me tell you a story
Spin you a tale
It's just you and me
And my cigarette

That I wouldn't make it out alive
Make it to twenty five
Cause all I think about is hitting death row
Killing somebody with a knife
Or put that gun to my head and let it blow
Brain matter on the wall
Splatter and that's all
I have homicidal thoughts
Just dispatch somebody so quick
Who knew death could be bought
Let em ******* pain, just a lick
I guess I'm messed up
I guess I'm sick
I don't know what cause this
I don't know why this is in my head
And all the tears I shed
All I want in my face is lead
Elevating, delegating, and debating
Out of myself, leaving instructions, and deciding if I want to do this
But there wasn't any doubt
Cause all I want from this life is out
And yet I'm still here
But I still killed myself last year

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I'm no saint
I cannot capture it
Like a photo
I cannot describe it
Like a novel
I cannot draw it
Because I cannot paint

I shed the stress of my day
Off at the door
I shed my tears in private
So you don't see
I don't hide my emotions
Just for the sake of it
I don't tell you what is eating away
At my mind and heart
You try to see through the curtains
I don't like Hide and Seek
But if I even gave you a peek
I cannot let you see me when
What I see as me being weak
All these little things
I hope you never see
So you and I can focus
On just being we

Holding my little boy
I want to be everything
I want to be anything
He will ever need
He will ever want
I want to break the cycle
That I grew to know
That I knew was okay
I know better now
That what my parents were
Was not what my boy will get
I will not forget
And I do not regret
The ways I was raised
I will be better
And I stuck it in this poem
That is more of a letter.