I have thought about being something
Other than myself

To be the smoke from an exhale
Of a shortening cigarette
Fading into the air.

To be a brown leaf
Of a dying tree
Falling to the ground.

To be the the bubbles
Of a powerful ocean wave
Incorporating back to the mass.

To be free of this mortal shell
Of despair and agony and turmoil
Drifting through the world.

Day in & day out.
My will to continue.
Crests and falls.
Whispers & exclamations.
Trials & tribulations.
Scorn & exaltation.
Enconium & condemnation.

Yet, here I am.

I crave love
Yet I desire distance.

I need somebody.
Yet I hate everybody.

I want to swim.
Yet I let myself drown.

I misseth mine own loveth. I wisheth f'r h'r to beest in mine own arms. To has't the warmth of h'r corpse. H'r soft toucheth and coequal softer gazeth.

I feel like my hands aren't my own
My body is no longer my own
My steps are hollow
My movements too animated
I feel the tide turning in my head
The waves are breaking
And only causing chaos
Lawlessness and disarray
Anarchy and pandemonium
.....

It's calculated
I am realizing all too late I'm losing
Something is changing
A modification
A shift
A revision
I feel I'm operated by somebody else
Not me but a variant
A voice akin to my own
A parallel that has made it clear
It will either win or it will destroy me.

.....

No more black and white
No more good and bad
No more hero and villain.

.....

All alone, not really.

.....

May you remember me
For who I once was

.....

This disease
No
This sickness
No
This ailment
No
This disorder
No.

.....

I now have a liberator
Guardian
Rescuer
Preserver
Salvager even.

.....

He has been saved
What you call *******
Oppression or tyranny
Jurisdiction or dominion
Is deliverance
Emancipation or independence.

.....

I woke up today
My hands felt like my own
My steps were substantial
My movements absolute and genuine
My ocean tranquil and mute
And for now, I recite a cantilcle
Of bliss and appreciation
To no god in particular.

I've won but at what cost
I've healed but who is lost
I stand strong on this mountain
Only to realize it is one made of bones

I've fought so hard
Cried and bled
One blink
And it all comes back
Blood in the sink
Little fractures and massive cracks

Then I look in your eyes
My little goddess
My parallel and gravity
And I realize that although
The bones are of friend and foe
I can't change any of it
Wouldn't change any of it

For now I will continue
Because of you and for you.

How could you
Steal my breath
My attention
My heart
In one
Simple glance.

And sometimes
I like to think
That what you did
Was intentional
That maybe you wanted to
And that you still want to
That maybe you needed to
And that you still need to.

Maybe you could be something
Somebody special
My somebody
But you will always be remembered
As the thief that stole from me.

Who knew I could do this
Watching myself bleed
Waiting for it to stop
Obsessed with the pain
Occurring often my acts of violence
Ostracized from reality
Assumed to be worthless
Actually just wordless
Afraid to describe just what I feel
Hating the situation
Hesitating to change it
Holding the razor blade still.