Her soul was a beaten fragile thing in the age of 16.
She was lost.
Emotionally out of control.
Lonely.

Her parents believed she was fine
because she would make them think she was.

Choosing not to have friends.
Choosing to be isolated.
Choosing to let her boyfriend control her.

Choosing to let the Depression eat her alive.

2 years.

It took two years for her to fight back.
Standing up straight,
with the support of her family and help,
She defeated the illness.

She shined like if she was the sun herself.
New friends helped her shine bright
Her family love helped her become strong

Choosing to write down her emotions
Choosing to communicate with her family
Choosing to open up to TRUE friends.

Her smile returns and the future is golden in her eyes.

2 years

She smiles,
but they're small.
She laughs,
but they're light
Her eyes,
have lost something.
She seems... empty.

Lying in bed, soft music playing in the background,
She cries and cries and cries.

She wants to scream, but has no energy.

All she can do is cry,
She thought she beat it,
She thought it was over.

It took two years for her to get better
It took two years for her to get worst

Staring into the ceiling...

She squints and tries to see her future.
Blink
Blink
Blink
Nothing.

The ghost of her 16 year old self lies next to her.
They stare at each other.
Their feelings and ****** expressions mirroring each other.

Holding hands they stare back at the ceiling and think.
*Two Years

I am back,
in the body of a soon to be 23 year old,
I am free as a bird, but feel trapped, like a caged lion.
Is this all to a simple womans life?
Bills, stress, sleepless nights, work?
Repeat steps 1,2,3,4 untills death?
As I lay in bed, my mind runs around my past.
My friends,
My family,
My youth,
My liberty.
I look young,  but act as if I'm retired and dying.
I took advantage of what i had, i miss that place of being a child and not worrying.
Beer is now my friend.
Sleep is now my secret pleasure.
I wish i had a how to be adult book.

Thank you

Drip Drip Drip Drip*
The rain is hitting the earth pretty hard.
A sip of coffee.
Sigh.
A pull of a cigarette.
Sigh.
When will the rain stop?
I hope never.

Family members surround me
They smile and laugh and joke
They hug and kiss and love

I watch them with opened eyes

Only I see the knives on everyone's hand

Each one hugs one another, sliding the knife down their spine.

I shiver.

I move away from everyone.
My family.

I've never heard so much falseness before.
So much fake people
The people I have to call family.

Am I alone?

I stare at everyone and wish we could love freely,
With no hate
With no backstabbing
With no ****.

I feel like I'm on T.V
Someone give me a script.

I watch and frown

Am I alone?

Sisters laughing, but their eyes are dead.
Brothers grinning, but their smiles are dangerous.
Mother is smiling, but there's a glaze in her eyes.
Father is hugging, but his hugs are loose.

I can't be here.
I didn't sign up for this role.

They all look at me with disdain.
With disgust.

At least they all have something in common.

Their hatred for me.

I watch as you walk around school.
I watch as you smile at people.

Closing my eyes.
I fantasize.

You come straight to me.
You smile at me.
hug me.
kiss me.
love me.

I open my eyes and sigh.

You own my heart lover boy.

When will you let me own yours?

*
Your eyes are surveying the room.
Look at me
Your attention is caught by your friend.
pay attention to me

You laugh at him and continue to look around our class.

My heart thumps hard.
My blood feels like a freeway.
My head is turning.

Believe it or not.
He's dazzling me.
And he doesn't even know
it.

Eyes clash with mine.

It's
his
eyes.

Turn away.
Turn away.

I can't.

Hot.
The class turned
1000 degrees hotter.

He smiles.

I think
I stopped
breathing.

Run.
Run.
Run.
***
I'm grounded for ditching school.
I'm sick.
and it's Saturday.

Cough.
Cough.
Gag.

There's knocking.
Knock.
Knock.

No ones home except me.
Can someone tell me,
why me?

This can't be.
It's him.

He shoves a book in my hand.
It's my math book.
I look up.

He smiles at me.

I think i fainted.

How pathetic am I?

Sitting outside, she watches the rain fall down.
she closes her eyes and sniffs the air
Wet Cement... yum.
her thoughts bring her back to earth.
Shutting her eyes tightly, she tries to think about something else
anything else.
because mentally saying goodbye to an old lover/friend/partner,  takes a toll.
She looks are her beautiful garden being watered by mother nature.
She squints as she sees one of her beautiful plant begins to wilt.
running towards him, she tries to save the plant.
digging up the root, running home, and putting in in a ***.
Keeping it safe.
but it's already too late.
she was already too late.
too late to save the plant.
too late to realize her true feelings.
too late to save them.
water drips down her face, she doesn't know if its tears or the rain.
She decides to save the other plant from the rain, but this one, she carefully touched it, carefully places it in the ***.
The plant seems strong, healthy, beautiful.
Sitting in her kitchen,  on that beautiful island top, she stares at these two plants.
Its too late to save one of them, but she saved the other one before anything.  
Her heart turns ans twists that she allowed it to happen to this beautiful plant.
To that beautiful plant.
Too late to save them.
too late to save him.
too late to say im sorry.
friendship tainted,
plant dying,
she places the dying plant outside in the rain.
wiping her face she goes back to her kitchen and sees the healthy plant and smiles.  She had plenty of time to save this one. Her favorite.

A warm arm wraps around her waist and fingers caress her sides.
Heat engulfs her and she feels better.
Turning around,
she faces him.
the plant she saved early.
changes will bring them closer.
Save their root so they can grow healthy.
Love. They have love. The plant had plenty of love.
They hug and entwine like vines.  
She stares at the window and watches the rain continue to fall
but this time, with a smile.

The ocean waves crash against the sharp rocks.
The smell of the ocean is sweet and salty.
The air roars in my ears, harsh.
Looking down I see my future.
I see
I see
I see
Nothing.

I close my eyes and wonder,
When did I become gullible?
When did I become stupid?
Why did I believe so many lies?

I've been blind folded by rainbows and love.
I've been blinded by your mean smiles, thinking they were honest and beautiful.

Adults telling me that I am free.
Only to have an iron handcuff on my wrist and chains around my ankles.
Free?
There is no freedom here.
Not in my town,
Not in my house.

Surrounded by disappointment and lies.

Take a dee breath.

Well no more.
I will not be mute.
naive.
A doormat.

I open my eyes, the blind fold falling and crashing against the waves.

I see my future.
I see my life.
I see.

1935
Fingertips barely touching.
Lips are parted, an inch from each other.
Just waiting to get united.
Sharing that one breath.
Hands ghosting over her smooth hips.

She feels the tears coming down.
Never has she felt so loved.

"Touch me, kiss me."
He swallows loudly.
His head says yes.
His heart says no.
Not yet.

He lays her down and watches
as the moonlight from the open window
caresses her lovely body.
She watches him watch her.

"Come to bed"

The two engaged lovers unite in a night of,
passion
He shouts his love out
She whispers her pleasures.

Wrapped up together.
He towers her.
She turns to a cat next to him.
Purring her happiness.


He looks down at her sleeping form
and feels the need
to cry.

She sleeps with a smile on her face.
He watches her.
Looking down at their bodies,
He sees that they both,
fit together,
like a puzzle.

"Can I get anymore cheesy?"
He laughs at himself before falling asleep.
But before becoming unconscious,
he gets one more thought,
"Only for her."*

1998
The man looks down at the old grave,
where his wife lies,
resting.
Wiping away his tears.
smiles as he lies down,
next to his wife.
Closing his eyes,
he sighs and takes his last breath,
"Only for you. I live only for you."

You painted me with colors of life.
Red
Orange
Yellow.
You made me glow.
As if I was an angel.

Your lips barely touching mine.
You make me want to beg.
I never beg.

Your feather touches sooth me.
Your dominating embrace makes me blush.

I am an innocent mortal
compared
to your wicked magic.

"Love me"
Shaking your head.
Kissing
my
forehead.

frustration takes whole in me.
Why can't you love me?

You painted me dark.
Navy Blue
Grey
black.
You're magic no longer works.
You paint me rainbows.

more.

You painted  me pink.
you love me.
accept it.
accept me.

I'll be behind you.
Beside you.

Magenta.
White
green.
Innocent. Blushing. Eyes.

I want to be with you.
You caress me with your brushes.
You lick me with your paint.

Paint me.

You don't.

Your hands manipulate the brush.
Your paint stroke my body and yours.

Tears.

You painted us...

**Forever you own my heart

Alone
I shiver.
Alone
I cry.
Alone
I drink.
Alone
I die.

Alone.
Alone.
Alone.

Family dies.
Mom died.
Pops died.

Only child.
Lonely child.

Looking down,
see the ocean.
Never learned
how to swim.

Goodbye loneliness.

One day I will be happy.
One day I will be stress free.
One day I will have an astonishing day.
One day I will be a man.
One day I will get a backbone.
And I know for sure that ...
One day I will see a beautiful purple Unicorn *** on my front lawn.

Your tears mean nothing to me.
Your gifts mean nothing.
Your "I'm sorry" are heard by deaf ears.

LEAVE ME ALONE

you said what you wanted to say.
I don't want your words.
You did what you wanted to do,
the actions hurt me.

Is wasting your time fun?
Is wasting my time entertaining for you?

LEAVE ME ALONE

Your whispers and kisses are nothing.
YOU are nothing to me.
You will never be something to me.

You thought you could play with fire?
Guess again.

You're done.
I'm done.

IT's done.

Looking around,
I see four walls.

I close my eyes and imagine.

Being free is all I want.
Being me is all I have.

Yells and crashes wake me.

I am stuck.
Jailed in my own home.
Forced smiles hurts my face.
Forced laughs hurt my chest.

When can I be me?
when will I be free?

Looking around
I see four walls.

Looking around,
I see a window.

Looking around
....
I found my escape.

The beach
The waves.
The birds.

Lying face down,
she smiles
as the sun
kisses her back

Waves crash
onto
a male's
body.

Starstruck
his eyes
are stuck
to her body.

Her dark hair
dances
around
and shines
like the sun
itself.

His heart beats
fast.
faster.
fast.

Is this love at first sight?
Or
Is this lust are first sight?

She grins,
knowing he's
looking.

She watched him
ride those waves
like if he was the
god of the ocean.

Her mouth dropped
when he would smile.
Her heart hammered
when he would look her way.

Turning,
she stood up and stretched.
She watched him
watching her.

Confidence boosted,
she walked toward him.
**
"And that is how mommy and daddy met!" The father smiled.
His baby cooed and smacked his wrist.
Looking up, he saw his wife walking toward them.
Her hair up in a bun
The sun kissing her shoulders.
Her smile wide.

She ran to her family
And as a family,
they ran down the beach
and into the cool water.

My insecurities come and beat my skull ,my soul,
To a meaningless pulp.
Even when I am free,
Physically there are no chains,
And I can fly
But,
Mentally I am chained,
*****
Abused
By my own insecurities.
Countless nights, tossing and turning,  I hear her/him.
I am nothing.
There is no love.
There is me, the living ****.
And I do not love thy self.
God has no place in my mind, choosing to rot in my self pity, than to believe.
Choosing to believe the negative than the positive he gives me.
My insecurities beats the **** out of my energy,
Beats the **** out of my love,
Beats the **** out of my being.
Building a wall of thorns and demons,  
There is no escape from it.
There is no savior.
There is only it and myself
Why fight a battle, that's been long lost...
It is morphed and carved into me.
A tattoo that cannot be lasered out.
It is me.

Lying down,
I feel it worst
Like fire licking up my body,
It burns.

Make this stop
Please make it stop .

My body is numb.
I can't move.

I scream inside for help

you deserve no help, you earned this

My heart beats loud
Loud
Louder

My screams are silenced by the beats

No one hears

The guilt crushes my chest
My heart
My lungs

I reach out
No ones there

you're on your own

you deserve this

you asked for this

It was all an accident

you were careless... You deserve it

My breathing stops.
The fire of guilt consumes my body, mind and soul.

*i deserve this

As the rain continues,
My smile grows.
IT brings me pleasure to know,
that I'm being forced to stay in home.
Could the weather be any perfect?
Don't think so.
The sun burns me and gets me sweating.
The wind scares me as they push the palm trees closer to my house.
The blooming flowers get me sneezing.
The rain lets me curl up like a little kitten.
Meow.

People see the scars on my wrist.
People see the scars on my thighs.

You saw the scars in my heart.

Do me a favor?
Pretty please? with a purple cherry on top?
Close your pretty eyes.
Now imagine...
Seeing the most happiest time in your life...
The time when you learned how to drive...
The time when you moved out of your parents house...
The time you got married....

Just close your eyes and imagine this.
Do I see a smile on your face?
Yes?
Well then, imagine, all of those beautiful memories, were just half of it. Not a finished memory.

You learned how to drive.
You parked the car but you forgot to put the car in park, and the car ran over and killed a mom and a baby taking their walk.

You moved out of your parents house.
You're mom or dad had a heart attack when you left.

You got married
It was paid. That woman/man, didn't love you. Your parent paid that person to go out with you then marry you just so you won't die alone and bitter.

Now open your eyes.
Why don't I see you smiling anymore?

The stars twinkle.
The moon glows.

Our bare feet touching the rich soil as we make our way,
into the Night.
Holding hands, there's only US.

Our bareness laid out for mother natures taking.
Barely breathing, we make peace with the world.

In the Sea of the Night, as we make our way deeper into the world,
we walk among the wicked and the strange.
Among the poor and the rich.
Among the hollow and gluttony.

With our hands clasped tight,
our love bare
our feet bare
our emotions bare
our bodies bare...

We walk into the sea of the night,
with true love,
as our guiding light.

As I lay here in bed,
I wish for many things.
But one major.
Is to not give a ****.

I try my best to be nonchalant
but deep down, I'm as sensitive as a pregnant woman about her weight.

Giving a ****... takes too much energy.
Energy I could be using for something else,
like sleeping, or eating or sleeping.

Feelings get hurt and emotions get mixed
and by the end of the night,
I'm just a pile of ****.
Because I care too much.

Not showing it is easy.
I laugh it off and continue my business.
But inside,
I'm a bawling mess.

**** me and my emotions.

Sorry for the inappropriate language,
but there's going to be those moments where those words fall out of your mouth faster than snapping your fingers.

Giving a **** is a curse.
Giving a **** is the worst.
I just wish, that i can give that crown to someone else.

Let them give a ****.
****.
****.
****.

... ****, I've said **** a shitload of times... Ha... well...
I'll learn to not care.
Practice makes perfect?
****... I don't even believe in that.
I need a smoke.
Maybe 2 smokes...
or 3...

You judging?
Well HA! I don't give a SH*T

Hey you, with that head full of curls, I love you.
Hey you, with those alluring eyes that hold a secret sparkle, I love you.
Hey you, with that enchanting smile and those deep dimples, I love you.
Hey you, with those broad shoulders and amazing body, I love you.
Hey you, with those strong arms and precious hands, I love you.
Hey you, with those firm thighs and long legs, I love you.
Hey you, with those big perfect feet and **** toes, I love you.
The love we share, is rare.
You hold my heart in the tip of your finger tips,
You hold my soul in the palm of your hand.
You are to me to what a hero is to a child.
My support,
My savior,
My world.
Te amo, con todas mis fuerzas. Tú eres mi luna, mis estrellas, mi galaxia, mi tierra. Sin ti, yo sería un alma perdida, buscando y buscando a través de un agujero oscuro de la esperanza perdida.

Her soul was stuck in the lost and found.
her body wondered around,
searching for something, but she didn't know what!

She lived her life at home stuck in a never ending time warp.
Walking down the halls, she looked down,
searching for something, but she didn't know what!

Her friends made her laugh and would bring a small ounce of life and hope into her,
she thought she found it,
but,
it wasn't it.

Her home life would consist if a never ending punishment.
a routine so grey and bland, not the worlds salt, pepper, or seasoning would bring it life.

She searched under rocks and pebbles and came up with nothing.
She settled for less...

He walked among the halls searching,  his hand carrying something precious
but he didn't know to whom it belonged.
His family weighed him down and tired him to the floor,
only looking to the floor
he searched unknowingly.
Moving from state to state, he searched and failed.
Giving up, he held his precious founding in his heart.

Looking down she walked towards her job
Looking down he walked towards his job
Slowly she put her costume on.
Slowly he put his uniform on.
Forcefully smiling, she waved at the little kids and worked.
Forcefully smiling, he helped costumers and worked.

She noticed him and her heart knew.
He noticed her and his heart knew.

My name is...
My name is...

7 days... he gave her his founding...
7 days... she found who had her soul...
the love they have is rare and alien.
but to them, its perfect and limitless.

They were lost,
but they found,
that in each other, they give life, love, and happiness.

Star Wars
Star Wars
Star Wars
Star Wars
Star Wars
Star Wars

Yoda
Yoda
Yoda
Yoda
Yoda
Yoda

Darth Vader
Darth Vader
Darth Vader
Darth Vader             = Anakin
Darth Vader
Darth Vader
Darth Vader
Darth Vader

Star Wars
Star Wars
Star Wars
Star Wars
Star Wars
Star Wars


S
T
A
R

W
A
R
S
=
Watched this movie about ... 15 times in a week and it still watching it.

I haven't written a poem in so long.
I havent written my feelings in so long.
Work, sleep, eat... repeat.
Writing was my sanctuary, my safe haven.
The mystical world of words and feelings left me and i no longer had a reason to write.
I found my happiness.
But now, it is slowly, dimming away again.
am i even good at it?
I never thought i was.
I just needed relief... sweet SWEET release of the torment my soul was feeling.
But now, i feel the itch to write.
The need to feel,
The need to liberate myself.
No words can describe how amazing putting my emotions down in words feel.
How echanting ...

My life was nothing but a tornado.
Taking innocent people and destroying lives.
Spitting out thunder and Striking like lightning.
Can I be tamed?
Will I stop?
Can this storm in me leave?
I thought no.
I am ****** and so are the people around me.
...
You came along.
When I took an innocent life,
You healed them and punished me.
When I destroyed belongings,
You fixed it and scolded me.
When I spat out thunder,
It bounced off and you smiled.
When I would strike,
You stopped me and stared. Right in my eyes.
When I cried horrible rains,
You were hugging me, smiling at me, kissing me.
You stopped my storm.
You stopped the wind.
You took the ugliness away,
You took the disaster away,
You took my breath away.
I hope I take yours.
I have a sun and blue skies.
I have you.
And you made me new.

Hatred.
Your voice makes me cringe.
Your face makes me wince.

Turn around
Stop looking.

Name calling
Faces made.

You smile and laugh at me.
My body turns red and I feel red.

It makes the fire spread.
....

1 dream.
1 very stupid dream...
What does it mean?

An innocent kiss that isn't real.
A powerful and strong hug that is just my imagination.

Why...
when I think of you...
I smile?

This is crazy.
I'm crazy.

Uh oh...
The same dream tonight?
Why am I smiling?
I hate you.
Why does my stomach flutter thinking about you.
You disgust me.
Leave me and my head alone... Get out of my dreams.
....

You're my prince charming,
but in reality,
you're the villain.

Laughing an evil laugh,
Laughing a beautiful laugh.
No.
No.
No.

Go away.

*stay

He is my one.
He is thee one.
I never thought that would ever happen.
I watch him slumber,
How his eyes are moving rapidly under his lid.
How he breathes in deeply and exhales.
The way he needs to be touching a part of my body.
My beautiful husband.
Husband...
I didnt need him and he didnt need me, but yet, we found each other in the worst place.
I breathe in his love like its my oxygyn.
Sunshine grows within me knowing how it feels to be truly loved.
I cant think of any other human being i could have been with. The way i catch him watching me, the way he comes to look for me when he needs me, like if he lost his toy.
He is now a part of me, forever and always.
I am a part of him, forever and always.

It all started with one lie.
One little tiny lie.
A deceit.
A
white
stupid
lie.
                                                              We yelled.
                                                              Screamed.
                                                              Got in each
                                                               others face.
                                                          The truth comes out.
                                                                He's silent with,
                                                                pained filled eyes,
                                                              While my apology,
                                                               drowns in my own,
                                                                         Tears.


Have you ever lied to a loved one?
Have they forgiven you?
Let's hope they do.

I don't think...
I'll ever ...
Find ...
....
Love again.

The night is young
Not even 10
Or maybe it's late
Worries wrap my body
Like a burrito
Stuffed
Overly stuffed
Terrified my worries are going to
Spill out
Some say...
My middle name is warrior woman!

I say
"Worrier woman"

I joke.

Money is always the key
Money this
Money that

Why can't we give each other compliments as a form of payment
Or not
I don't care
I do...
Helping hands fall short
The worried faces drown my mind
Biting lip
Picking skin
Biting nails

I wasn't made for this life
But I have to live it.

Keep your head up
Tupac

I wish
I hope
I cry
I pray
So hard
I pray

Please be there.
He is
Ramble on
Led Zeppelin

They're there too

Goodnight
It's 10

Am I a joke?

I look around
my family is
laughing at me.

When I am myself...
They hate me.
They question me.
They ignore me.
I'm no one.

When I'm someone else...
They love me.
The laugh at/with me.
They hug me.
They want me with them.
I'm not ignored.

Who should I be?

I look to the right and see
clown shoes, wigs, makeup.

I look to my left and see
converse, sweaters, journals.

To be noticed or not,
by my family?

......

I finish tying up my shoes and look up
to the mirror.
I want to cry.
The wig itches,
Clown shoes are uncomfortable,
Make up makes me look ugly.

When will I stop wanting love from my family?
When will I stop yearning to be noticed by them?
When will I get to be me?

I am pathetic

**Open Curtains

******* with a girls emotions
should be illegal.
You say "I love you"
One day
You say "We won't last long"
The next.

You kiss me
as if it's our last.
You hug me
as if the world was going to end.

Our last kiss made me breathless.
Our last kiss was the last.

No phone call.
No letter.
Nothing.

Am I overreacting?
Or ....?

You make me feel special.
Then
You make me feel like an idiot.

Am I?

I come over your house.
You're alone.

OH.
Wait...

You're not.

I see you kissing
that girl.

You stare at me like if I was some ghost.
I run
run
run.

Next time I tell him *just stab me in the eye and then in the heart."

The mind, my mind, betrays me.
No longer am I happy.
Sick.
Sad.
Mean thoughts,
run through my mind.
Headaches are too painful to stay awake.
I no longer smile for me.
I no  longer am free to think what I want.
My mind takes charge
problems
sadness
unhealthy.

Help me.
Someone please help me?

A tiny voice whispers to talk.
Talk to someone

I ignore this.
no one will listen.
I will be institutionalized.
Committed.

Help me.
I am a slave to my depression.

She thought she loved him.
She thought he was her IT.

Their kisses give her a bad aftertaste.

Slowly she wipes her lips with her hand.

She watches him.
A smile on her lips.
He loves her.
It's obvious.

Does she love him?

His touches make her feel cold and sick.
They're suppose to make her feel warm and loving.

He treats her like a queen.
She treats him like a friend.

What's wrong with her?
Confusion and dishonest surrounds her.

Can she be falling out of love?

No tears come out from her.
A small smile graces her face.

He fights for her, as she walks away.

NO!
NO!
NO!

Please don't leave!
Please don't!

Her shadow turns the corner and disappears.

His shadow beds forward and starts heaving.
His heart broken.
His heart ripped.
His heart stomped.

Please...

A small smile graces his lips.
A small note held tightly in his hand.

She watches,
As he gives a girl a note.

A small frown on her face.
She watches as her loves another girl.
She watches as he showers her with love.

Everyone watches the scene in action.
Her big frowns.
His big smiles.

Regret and bitterness bite her.
Happiness and life carress him.

She misses him.
She misses them.
She misses...

Talks
Arguments
Shouting

His heart belongs to someone else.
She wants his heart.
She takes his heart
And stabs it.

......
..........
911 please state your emergency
....
..........
A small smile graces her lips.

My chest begins to burn.
My head begins to hurt.
Is this our final goodbye?
I close my eyes
You hug me with all your might.

Please don't go.
Please stay.
My heart can't stand it.
It's breaking.

A kiss on my lips,
A kiss on my cheeks.
You kiss my tears away.

Throat closes,
as broken sobs erupt from me.
Please....
Don't.....
Go.....

The feeling of dancing around to no music is strong.
The feeling of wanting to draw a weird monster is strong.
Agh!
I sound like a bird?
Caw caw caw
Painting someone's face is making my fingers twitch with happiness, they asked for a tiger, I'm making them a fish.
Why not?
The feeling of digging my toes under my mattress is not the same as the sand, but close.
My fingers fly against the keys on my piano, closing my eyes I smile, it's ugly the music I'm trying to make, it doesn't make sense, but it does.
The feelings of cooking toasts and spaghetti, people wonder why, I say why not?
The world behind closed doors is colorful and amazingly vivid. Shiny and soft and beautiful, once someone sees it, the beauty stops, it's the rooms secret.
The feeling of making love to you're one.
In your dream.
The feeling of acting on purpose I see how others react
The feeling of creating chaos in the house.
My inside twist and turn and eyes glaze over.
Happiness hasn't touched me completely, but I'm trying.

The sun beams down on me.
It touches my brown hair,
and turns red.
I could feel the heat on my naked shoulders
arms,
and legs.
Sweat builds up on my forehead,
upper lip,
and chest.
Pure torture.

Drinking ice cold lemonade.
Wincing, I bite my lip,
the ice tickled my tooth.

I drink.
I sigh.

When will it end?

I look up at the sky and see red.
I look at the grass and see black
I look at the banana and see purple.

What?
The sky is not blue!
Pfft! Green grass! nonsense!
That banana... that one that is on top of the pink table, is yellow! LIES!
That table is brown?! Now I know you're crazy!

Eyebrows furrowed
Pursed lips.
Aching head.

No.

Don't tell me what's what!
Stop telling me what to think!

The sky is red.
The grass is black.
The banana is purple.

No...
Stop...
Please...
Let me be....

What's that scary machine...
It's hurting my head...

The sky is red.
The grass is black.
The banana is yellow.

The sky is red.
The grass is black?
The banana is yellow.

The sky is blue.
The grass is green.
The banana is yellow.

I sit in class a stare ahead.
I don't think.
I don't act.
I don't ...

I am a good girl.

You
Yeah you
With the insanely big eyes and head full of curls.
You drive me wild.

Your secret smiles to me.
Your winks and touches.

I try not to shiver, but I do.
You always win in that game.

I'll win one day.
You'll see.

Hey! What are you doing!
This isn't part of the game.
Get up!
No no no
Not on ur knee!
Oh
My
God..

That's a beautiful ring.

The fit is beautiful.

Walking down the isle.

The feeling of your ring going down my back as you undress me.

The feeling of our rings clashing as you hold my hand, this baby of yours is trying to break me.

I look at you holding our bundle of love.
You're shaking, scared of dropping him.
Your tears run down your face.
You're like a broken record declaring your love for me.
I stroke your cheek,
And with a smirk, I know I won the war.

GO AWAY WIND!

I hate the sound of the windows rattling.
I hate seeing the way the palm trees sway.

My teeth rattle, but not from the cold.
I stay away from noise and hear music.

1...
2...
3...
4...

BANG!

Oh no.
My window flew open.
Running.
I run across the room to close them.
I see the palm trees sway dangerously close,
to my house.

GO AWAY WIND!

I slam the window shut.
I could hear your whistling from the outside.
You're making fun of me.
I hear your whoosh.
It sounds like the devil's laugh.

"Distract me please!" I cry to a friend.
"Why?"
"Because I'm terrified of the wind."

She cackles and ends the call.

Hanging my head.
I feel ashamed.
I'm acting like a child.

Whoosh
Whistle
Whoosh

1...
2...
3...
4...
5...
6­...

BANG!
Oh no.

Running past the gloomy forest
I run from...
Disappointment
Lies
Ugliness
My family

Running without looking back.
Energy and adrenaline pumping through my body.

Looking up I look up at the darkness
Closing my eyes I continue my way,
trying to find the light.
The positive.
The rainbows.

I run,
my feet bleeding
my ankles worn down
my heart pounding
my head dizzy
my resolution, strong.

Keep going

Sweat clouds my vision,
but wait...
What is that?

My feet carry me on as i sigh with happiness.
There is a light in the end of the tunnel.

Closing my eyes,
I say goodbye to the bad,
A smile covers my face and i cant take it off.

Fresh air surrounds me
The light burns my face,
but with pleasure I accept it.

I stop running,
Open my eyes,
and see the sun.
The flowers.
The love,
from friends,
and loved ones.

I take a step forward, but they run to me,
accepting, welcoming.

Closing my eyes for one more time,
I sigh.




*I am home.

I am free.
The shackles have been removed
I can dance freely now
I can sing freely now
I can be me.

with my hands in the air, I feel the wind all over my body.
whispering their sweet nothings.

I am free.
Positive light runs through my core
my being
my veins
my heart
With a warm smile, friends gather me up and swallow me in the embrace.

I close my eyes and remember the demons,
my demons,
my family.

theyre gone
you're gone
you're free

No more lies,
just truths.
No more dark,
just light.
No more negative
just positive.

No hate... just love.
From the people that have been with me,
through the ugly and the bad.

Unlimited love.

His love
Her love
Their love.

Love makes her world go round.
Goodbye family.

*I am Free

Blood.
I see it.
I'm covered with it.

Breathless pants are in the air as oxygen decreases.
His gun is almost smoking.
The hole in my stomach is leaking.

He said he loved me, forever and always
......

Voices are heard.
Screaming
Yelling
Whispers
Cries.

Everything is a blur... darkness consumes me again.
......

I didn't understand you doctor.
Can you speak up?
..
I lost my baby?
How?
My husband.shot.me?
.......

Remembering hurts.  
Shouts and whimpers.
His screams overwhelmed me.
A shot was heard.
Pain,
burn,
discomfort.
......

Hospitals should burn,
I watch as they check my heart rate
I watch as they drug me
I watch as they shove the flowers on the counter.
I watch my flat stomach... flat .. empty.. stomach.
......
Time to go home?
I don't have a home.
My home shot me.
My home killed our baby.
My home is rotting away in jail.
......................................................
Plac­ing my hand on my full round belly
I smile and watch my tears land on it.
Another set of hands land on my own.
My new home smiles and his own tears fall.
....
Screams fill the air.
Curses and death threats are shouted.
shrieks and cries fill the air.
..
Welcome to the world my baby.

Everyone around her laughs
She smiles on the outside,
But,
On the inside she's clueless
what am I doing?
what's going on?
Her parents think she is the sun
Her friends think she is the light
She thinks she's the rain, the calm before the storm
Her true feelings, trapped
Her true self, trapped.
She laughs in public
But alone she frowns
Her thoughts spin and spin and spin
Suicide
Depressed
Self harm
She closes her eyes and it's black
The color she feels on the inside.
How can I go out?
.......
.......
.......
The sun breaks through her shell.
Her eyes are blinded underneath her eyelids.
what's going on?
Squinting
She sees.
Her family and friends stare at her. Chanting and cheering their love, their appreciation towards her.
Her life is worth living.
She's not done living.
She hasn't even lived.
They take her by the hand and through there, through the tight bond they formed, she finds the light from her darkness.
Tears come down and she laughs.
Never has she felt this.
Overwhelmed, she starts breathing quickly.
They stare at her with concern.
Her heart constricts painfully.
Can you die from being too loved?
She smiles and feels at peace.
Sirens
Yelling
Screaming
Sobbing
Crying
She stares at them,
don't cry she whispers.
Everything stops.
She takes one last breath and smiles.
Outside
You see her body go slack
Her heart no longer beats
She no longer breathes.
Her house is quiet.
Everyone trying to be quiet,
Tryin to be secretive,
Trying to decorate the house with balloons and cake and hats.
Everyone giggles thinking she's going to be surprised.
Happy birthday.
No sound
HAPPY BIRTHDAY
Silence.
They open her door.
Sirens
Yelling
Screaming
Sobbing
Crying.