I wanted to give you my everything but I realized that I don't owe you that
I think that if you really loved me you'd be happy with me giving you nothing
Nothing tangible

But even so, I'd give you my heart if I could
I'd literally rip it out with my bare hands and give it to you
but my hands wouldn't work without my heart and I know you wouldn't take it on your own

I'd give you the sun, take it out of the sky and put a big ribbon on it
if it's absence wouldn't leave the world and everyone in it cold and lifeless
And maybe even then I still would

I'd give you the very breath out of my lungs as long as you used it to sigh

You told me you loved it when I sighed
I sighed when you told me you loved me
I guess this is a sort of paradox

I think the whole love thing is a sort of paradox
The only way out I know is out of your front door
because you pushed me towards it so many times

But I got lost in your lips
when I was trying to tell you everything
until I realized that I don't owe you that

Maybe I'm amazed by the way you said my name
like it was the sweetest sound you had ever heard
and you took eternal pleasure in the way
it rolled off your tongue.

Maybe I'm amazed by the way your lips, so red from
the way my lipstick stained them, never strayed
far from me- whether they were whispering in my ear
or kissing my scars.

Maybe I'm amazed by the way your fingers caressed the piano keys
as softly as they caressed my skin
or the way I can still feel them on me even though
I haven't felt you in longer than I can remember.

Maybe I'm amazed by the way you left,
by how sudden and unexpected it was.
By how you told me you never would, but
never looked back- not even once.

Maybe I'm not so amazed, maybe I'm just
really hurt because you were amazing in
all senses of the word and I'm just a girl
wishing I was a bird so I could fly
to where you are and feel your lips
on mine one last time.

my mom wouldn't let me go to a party the other night because she said
there'd be drinking and drugs and i wouldn't belong
and i yelled back
that i don't belong anywhere

It’s funny how a memory works
I was thinking today about how I usually don’t remember exact days
For example, Christmas
I remember getting excited and I remember waking up
and looking under the tree for the outline of that typewriter
I begged my parents for
but I can’t remember what day of the week it was,
not even from this year
I think to the night we spent together though;
and I know that it was a Saturday
I was supposed to be at my friend’s house
but she cancelled on me
I would learn later that fate works in mysterious ways
even though I was mad at her at first
You texted me and asked me to get coffee
It was four in the morning
We talked until eight about nothing
but we also talked about everything
I guess it was Sunday since it was the morning
I guess I could say I spent the whole weekend with you
but I know that it was only four hours;
still the most prominent four hours of my seventeen years
I remember being in the coffee shop,
and the song “Edge of Seventeen” came on
I thought it was a weird coincidence because
I was on the edge of seventeen and you were on the edge of twenty
and we were both on the edge of falling in love
We talked about dreams, and I told you that I don’t like to sleep
because I have nightmares and I forget what reality is when I wake up
You stared into my eyes and I felt a tug in my chest
Your eyes whispered to mine that they understood
I don’t think we were even speaking in English
we were speaking in smiles and nervous twitchy body language
I told you that I found you intimidating
you laughed and told me you were sorry
I told you not to apologize, I just thought you were so cool
“you’re cool too” you said with a smile
I just laughed and looked at my coffee mug
I get nervous with compliments
We went out for a cigarette and I had trouble lighting mine
because I was so enticed by the way the smoke floated
so effortlessly out of your mouth
I remember thinking that if I was the smoke in your lungs
I wouldn’t fight to come out, I’d stay warm beside your heart
I told you that I needed to get home
before my parents noticed I was gone
You walked me home and the whole time I was praying to a God
that I don’t believe in that you would kiss me goodnight
But you didn’t
We didn’t talk again after that night and
I know now not to fall in love with the
twenty year old little boy
who still wants to grow up and be a poet
and who stares at you while he sings