Tuwing nalalapit na ang pasko, darating si itay mula sa kanyang opisina na may dalang kahon. Ang kahon ay naglalaman ng hamon. Ang hamon na mutlong taun-taon na lang sumusulpot. Ito yung hamon na hindi na pinapansin ng karamihan kasi lagi na lang andyan. Pabulong na sasabihin nila, "Ay sus. Pwedeng iba naman?" pero dahil nga sa nakasanayan na, ang hamon ay mananatiling nariyan kahit nilalampasan.

Lilipas ang selebrasyon at mag-uuwian ang mga bisita. Mananatili ang hamon na wala man lang gumalaw. Naubos ang macaroni salad, graham, kahit ang kaldereta ngunit ang hamon ay nanatiling tahimik, mistulang kawawang bida sa isang maaksyong pelikula.

Taun-taon, sasabihin ni inay na bakit hindi na lang ipamigay? At taun-taon akong hihindi at sasabihing sayang.

Hindi ko naman paborito ang hamon. Sadyang ayoko lang sayangin ang lahat ng nakahain. Kaya't kahit paulit-ulit, kahit nakakasawa, kahit minsan gusto ko na lang ipamigay, pilit ko pa ring kakainin ang bawat hamon na nakahain. Pilit ko pa ring lalasapin ang cholesterol, magpapataba, magpapakatanga, magsasawa hanggat sa maubos.

pumasok sa kompartamentong bilang sa lahat
ngunit ipagsiksikan ang sarili, sumuot, at ipilit
dahil ang maiiwan sa españa ay hindi makakarating
makipaglaban, mang-agaw, ang akin ay akin

trenta minutong paghihintay
sa ilalim ng init, tiyaga ang kapiling sa umaga
bakit nga ba ‘di pa makikipag-balyahan?
asal-hayup upang mapuntahan ka lamang

sa pagdating sa istasyon ng sta. mesa
pawis ay naghahalo, amoy ay ‘di mawari
napagitnaan ng dal’**** dalagang nagchi-chismisan
‘di sinasadyang makinig, ako’y ‘di sang-ayon kaya iiling

sa hawakan ay higpitan lalo ang kapit
sasakyan natin ay paparating na sa pandacan
tumitig sa bintana at muli, bigla kang naisip
ngunit sila’y ‘di maibigay ang inaasam na pagtahimik

bakit nga ba ako nagtitiyaga?
sa masikip, magulo, at maingay na paraan
paalis na tayo sa istasyon ng paco
ika’y singtulad ng tren na ito

hindi makahinga sa dami ng taong nilalaman
kailan ba mapapadali ang ruta sa araw-araw?
magrereklamo, magsasawa, sasabihing “ayoko na”
titigil sa istasyon ng san andres

mananatili hanggang makaabot sa vito cruz
pasulong ang andar ngunit ang gana’y wala na
pagod at nagsasawa, hindi magawang iwan
ngayon ka pa ba susuko, eh ang lapit mo na?

nawala ang bigat ng pasahero pagdating sa buendia
nawala na rin panandalian ang sikip na iniinda
ngunit ano namang silbi ng ginhawa,
kung paalis ka na rin at nalalapit na sa paru-roonan

pagod ka na pero tiyagain mo nalang
ikaw at ang sitwasyon ay nariyan na nga
nag-inarte ka pa kung kailan nasa pasay road na
hindi ka pa ba nasanay sa araw-araw?

tumigil ang tren sa istasyong pinakahihintay
pawis, pagod, suot ang damit na gusut-gusot
heto na, sa dami ng nangyari ay narito na
sa edsa magallanes, salubungin mo siya

dahan-dahan **** itaas
ang kamiseta kong iyong
nilamog, nilasog, nilukot-lukot
kurutin mo ang kaluluwa kong
tunay na alay sa iyo

unahin mo ang aking labi
bumulong sa pagitan ng mga halik
dila'y umiindak sa sariling ritmo
mahal kita, akin ka, mahal, halika
paibabang mga halik, hihinto sa leeg

isa-isang taluntunin ang mga bituin
sinag sa aking balat, iyong intindihin
idampi ang mga daliri sa aking dibdib
himurin ito, kilitiin, at ipadama
ang sansinukob na sa atin lamang

lapnos ng iyong mga halik ay hahanap-hanapin
animo bakas ng iyong papalayong yapak
kabog ng puso'y umuugong sa silid
hihigpitan ang kapit sa iyong buhok at
susunggaban ang iyong labing sabik na sabik

naghahalo tayo na parang makulay na pintura
kaanyuang magkasalungat ay ating pinag-iisa
inihahain ang sarili, punong-puno ng tiwala
sirain mo ako sa pinakamagandang paraan
isalin mo ang iyo, huwag mabahala

"bakit 'di mo pa binuhos ang lahat?" nagtatakang tanong sa akin ni inay. inutusan niya akong diligan ang alaga niyang santan sa bakuran. "nagtira ka pa. 'di naman na kailangan," at sabay niyang kinuha ang balde na naglalaman ng tubig na galing sa kanyang pinaglabhan. walang pagdadalawang-isip at bigla na lang niya itong itinapon sa sementadong daanan papunta sa aming bakuran.

sa malayang pagdaloy ng tubig, napaisip ako kung bakit ganoon na lang itapon ni inay ang tubig. pwede pa namang ipandilig iyon sa ibang halaman na nasa tabi-tabi. pero bakit hindi ko man lang din yun naisip na gawin? para nga naman hindi nasayang ang tubig. para may iba pang halaman na pwedeng makinabang at hindi ang walang buhay na sementadong daanan.

oo nga naman, ang tubig na galing sa labada ni inay ay marumi na. umitim at dumumi dahil sa pinaghalo-halong sabon at mantsa ng mga naiwang alaala sa damit. kung nakakapagsalita nga lang din naman ang halaman, hindi niya gugustuhin ang maruming tubig na galing sa labada ni inay.

pero hinuha lang naman ang lahat. paano kung ang mga halaman sa tabi-tabi, ay parang katulad lang din ng patubong santan na alaga ni inay...

nangangailangan
at sadyang nauuhaw.

isuot mo ang blusang limang libo't higit ang halaga. ipagmayabang sa lahat at ibalandra. sino nga ba naman ang mag-aakala na minsan kang nagsuot at naging kumportable sa butas-butas na kamiseta?

the moment you reach the point
wherein a play is no longer a spectacle
oxymoron is glorified and inner mayhem develops
blinded by flickering lamppost lights
drunk dancing at the empty streets was the aftermath
i’m winning you and losing this game at the same time
the countdown starts
can i be yours in
five
four
three
two
*one

asteroids were beautifully created to ebb to the misconceived vastness of the galaxy yet they are still known to be perilous. to lessen damages and fatalities, scientists eagerly observe when an asteroid is going towards our vicinity.

and you, i never expected that you’d be an asteroid to my life. you may be a planetesimal, but i’ve always revolved around your presence like you’re the center of my whole life. you approached me, and i accepted you, never knowing that you’d rescind my existence for a while. thanks for leaving me like i’m just an insignificant piece of wreckage, i needed to know your encapsulating spectra, anyway.

*you destroyed me, yes. but you destroyed me gorgeously.

tick, tock
i forgot my wristwatch
i'm losing track of time
tick tock
and you're just there,
right in front of me
twirling carbonara noodles with your fork
the sauce messily covering your lips
tick tock
it has been a long time since
you expressed your stories, your dreams
your philosophies, your blusters
tick, tock
i answer you with smiles
with glances that appreciate
the tiniest details about you
tick, tock
your worn out black cardigan
your varicolored necklace
your white tank top
your chaotic food choices
tick, tock
not again
just stop
quit staring
tick, tock
**** it, i can't finish my meal
tick, tock
you smiled at me
tick, tock
you blushed
tick, tock
you laughed at me
tick, tock
again,
i'm falling
in love
with you
tick, tock
deeper
tick, tock
moments
they hit me
like a train
tick, tock
just tell me
when will i see you again
tick, tock
i don't want this to end
tick, tock
take me with you
tick, tock
ugh **** it
tick, tock
you ask me what's wrong
tick, tock
i shake my head
as response
tick, tock
time is running out
tick, tock
i push my plate away
dropped my spoon and fork
they clattered
tick, tock
i stand up
i lean for a kiss
tick, tock

it creeps out of my core that i have emptied myself of something that has been considered a self- pillar for years. that i wholeheartedly accepted to fuel my engine with anesthetizing void and made it difficult for the engine to pump with ease and beauty. since the day i strode out of your arms and asked you to safely explore, if you think i have stopped loving you by then, take a swig because i never did.

yet i do not adore you for the way you are right now. my heart is just helplessly trapped in this tale crafted by our long-forgotten personas eons ago. the very souls we cannot have back because we have already traveled immeasurably far. separately.

i keep on retracing the orbits constructed but the stars will soon, just as always, steer me back to that consciousness that a one-time collision just lasted like a flicker. nevertheless, the flicker caused a gigantic crack. now, i’m all left with two separate voids, slowly linking each other perfectly, engulfing my wee core with nothing but desolation.

as the catastrophic downpour rose its white flag,
the sun timidly peeks at the dawn of new beauty
the accrued water slowly and peacefully drifts
found myself baffled with your everlasting constancy

your infectious beam befriends my streams
manufactured absorbent of after-desolation worries
your enchanting chuckles as if nothing ever happened
but the water’s nature is to bid farewell and evaporate

every flip obscures the history of glances
even the spine has a peculiar trace
frayed pages, dog-eared corners
smudged,  stained
ruined, disfigured
no wonder
it’s the interesting book
you recently found at the restricted section
that felt the touch of my fingertips long ago

let me make your soul glow like it used to. let my own honesty be the light that passes through the glass windows of your emotions. let the shards of truth illuminate the doubts that you’ve been lugging for years. let me beam you up as i utter the unspoken words you’ve been dying to hear. let ourselves be like electric and magnetic field approaching together, producing our light of righteousness.

however, your disposition maybe different like an opaque object that won’t let my intentions to pass through at all. prolly like a translucent material that would pretend to listen to my confrontations and leave them misunderstood afterwards, or perhaps, as what i would like you to be, a transparent item that would wholly accept every flaw, every belief i have. you are so inconsistent that your persona may selectively absorb, reflect or scatter my light. i am aware that i will never know how you would respond on certain frequencies, but just be faithful, believe in my words, believe in me.

She aggressively pulls my hair for a one last sensual kiss and sheepishly grins as she lies flat on my bed. Panting and fully naked, we both savored the clammy atmosphere in my room caused by our body fluids mixed. “Well…” She takes a cigarette from the bedside table and lights it. “What?” I replied covering my body with bed sheets as if she hasn’t seen anything. The whole room is only lit by a tiny lampshade anyway. She takes a one big huff and relishes the great amount of nicotine in her lips. She exhales. “Nothing.” She chuckles and slowly removes the bed sheets covering my body. She leaves her cigar lit on the ashtray then moves and turns her body towards me. I sat up.
“Hey?”
“What?” My senses slowly coming back.
“Cuddle?” She gives me that irresistible sad puppy dog eyes again.
“What are we doing?”
“Well, as far as I could see, I’m lying while you’re there… Let me think.” She puts her index finger on her lips and acts like she’s deeply thinking. A quirk I have always loved. “…Sitting and wanting to leave?”
“Funny,” I said flatly.
“Come on.” She holds my hand and gently intertwines her fingers with mine.
I sluggishly lied down and tried not to look at her. I fixed my eyes to the ceiling. She moves a lot closer to me and envelopes me with a hug.
“I love you.”
“You know you don’t,” I opposed.
She teases my ******* and draws circles on my ******* with her fingers, trying to arouse me but my exhausted body refuses to be.
“Stop.”  I said.
“Plead.”
“I’m not kidding.”
She kisses my chin. She slowly puts kisses on my face like plotting a pattern towards my lips. She stops. I glared at her then I took a bite of her lower lip. She gives in. Our tongues did motions I could never fathom, mine explored hers as if it has a life of its own. I hastily recoiled.
“Hey!!”  She exclaims and obviously wanting more.
“You want me so bad, don’t you?” I chuckled.
“Well, yeah. You sound ****.”
She heaved, bent over, and quickly sat on my stomach locking my movements. She starts nipping my cheeks.
“How can you be so cute and so **** at the same time?”
“I don’t know?”  I placed my hands on her hips.
“Ready for another round?” She teased.
“No. Not really. Let’s stay like this. I like the view, anyway.”
She holds up her *****. *“Ah, you like these.”

signs are twinges of reality
that have subjective meaning
inexplicable but wanted
answers could be displeasing
but must be willingly taken

responses given by the stars
which we ask and even wait for

however, it is still our choice,
whether to wholly accept
or dismiss signs
as random happenings

moments of seamless kilohertz,
i could not distinguish
depolarize, over-romanticize
this painless sensation of shock
hence i ask between
static radio frequencies
*don’t you want me, baby?

to be honest, you're the only one who makes my day brighter then suddenly i just decided to switch your lights off

embracing a forgotten dream
a touch that has transcended eternities
with all disquiets and elapsed relationships
will you be the last stop of my wavering?

but forgive me, honey
i can only love you from afar
without your consent
without you knowing

innocent touch and exchange of breaths
my romantic thirst and your lustful yearnings
in a place where we could only trace our forms
left with nothing but to erotically fancy

monstrosity unleashed
and i am gripping your thigh
you are plotting kisses
but nothing to signify

bite my lip, there’s more to show
went too deep yet gone shallow