I want strings.

I want knots and twists and countless intertwining strands.

I want to get completely and utterly tangled in you, in us.

I want your lips and your hands and your body, I want you.

I want passion and emotion and heartache.

I want cuddling and arguments and moments that take my breath away.

I want to care about you more than I care about myself.

I want to fall in love with you.

But I must ask, can I?

Sometimes I miss you so much that I cannot breathe.  Who am I kidding? I always miss you that much.  My lungs close themselves off, afraid of the words that might leave with each exhalation, afraid of the confessions I might make, afraid of the lies I might tell.  I can’t breathe, I can’t eat, and I can’t think.  You steal my breath.  You tie my stomach in knots. You invade my thoughts. You take all of me without asking and don’t offer any in return.  So I’m left here with a gaping whole in my chest from the heart that you refuse to give back.  Then you dare me to come and get it.  You laugh and smile in that charming way.  Next thing I know I am pressed against you, trying to take my heart from where it is hidden behind your back, my lips pushing against yours, trying to find the place where you keep your secrets.

Dearest,

Where are you? I want you here. Now. I don’t want to wait any longer.  I want you to wrap around me your arms that feel like home.  I want your presence to be announced by my heart’s pounding against my ribcage.  I want to open my door to you, open my body to you, and open my life to you.  I want your lips pressed against mine so that I can taste the rest of my life.  I want your fingers entwined with mine so that the puzzle of my life can finally be completed. I want you.

It seems as if every time my lips get used to being alone,

your lips get lonely.

And every time my arms return to my sides,

your arms start reaching out.

And, every time I give up on love,

you become a romantic.

I want to be exposed.

Peel back my ribs and show you my pumping, bleeding heart.

I want you to see everything that I am.

Walk the shores of my mind.  

Picking up and turning over every thought and memory you wish like shells and pebbles on the beach.

I want to scatter my bones across the world of your heart for you to uncover and search for and learn from.  I want to be the mystery of your creation.  Trace the lines of my ribcage and brush the away the dust of the past.  Touch me as if I were the very earth that holds you up and will one day pull you into its depths. But be careful with me.  My bones are brittle and weak from years passed and there are fault lines running across me from broken hearts and falls that came long before you. I am not whole, bits and pieces have been ****** away by the currents of life.  Parts of me are spread across my lifetime but, you can have what is left, you can have whatever you uncover. You can have what remains of me.

You, you remind me of the moon.

You come around full, full of new hope and new beginnings.

Then you spend the rest of the month disappearing.

It’s a cycle.

A bit like the rotation of the earth,

You never stop coming around.

Like day and night.

You called me your blue sky,

Well maybe you’re my night sky.

It is easy to get lost in your dark.

Your dark eyes, your dark intentions.

I trip and stumble because I can’t see without light.

Stumbling leaves bruises, bruises on my heart, aching wounds on my insides.

Is this what you have really become without me?

After I stopped being your clear skies and daylight?

Are you really just something dark and empty,

All of your stars and promises covered by the clouds of us?

Can I hold you close?

Creating a swirl of all that we are.

Tumbling bodies of light and dark.

Twisting and turning until we are left with starry nights and blue skies.

Can we stop time?

Keep the full moon from leaving me this time.

Keep it here so I can sort out my insides.

I am tired of this storm that has become who I am.

I miss being blue skies and I miss you…

Though my body doesn’t yet know your body

And my mind can’t claim a grasp on yours,

I miss you.

A funny thing it is.

After so long spent missing another’s touch,

You come around.

You come around suddenly and it’s your lips I miss.

It’s your hand mine reaches for,

It’s your eyes mine look for,

it is your presence I ache for.

I wish I could put into words exactly what I need from you.  I would tell you how I need someone to hold me, not all the time, but when I feel like I am being swept away by the currents that are life.  I would tell you that when I’m angry I just need you to wrap your arms around me until I can breathe again.  I would tell you that I need you, every second of every day.  I’m not saying that you have to be there with me.  I just need to know that you are there.  I need to know that you love me.  But, most of all I would tell you, I would shout at the top of my lungs, that I need you.  I just need you.  Everything else is inconsequential, it doesn’t matter. I just need you, always.

Tonight it was different, you were different.

It was as if you were only just meeting my body.

Your lips didn’t know where mine started and our tangling bodies were clumsy.

And your eyes, they were eager to explore my body even though you have seen it a thousand times.

Maybe this time really is different.

Maybe this time it is right.