You were supposed to be my protector.
Still I weathered all the storms.
Too young to know you're a projector
I carried your burdens like a torch.
And when I let that flame burn out.
You couldn't bare to witness the change.
Wrapped my arms around myself.
Not round your finger where you had me hanged.
I'm not some extension of your soul.
I'm not some painting on your wall.
Bragging about my success as if you played a role.
You love to take credit for it all.
I guess I've got to give credit where it's due.
I watched the way you lived your life.
You'd draw me in to stab me right in the chest.
So I ran away from the knife.
I guess it made me who I am.
So if that makes you proud then fine.
A lotus, head buried in the sand.
Only to flourish in the sunlight when it was time.
It must be hard for you to see.
Cuz you misery needs it's company.
And while you don't deserve it at all.
I guess you got my sympathy.
I don't carry your **** with me anymore.
Just this resentment always lingering.
You were supposed to be my guide.
Ignorantly I clung to your side.
Just for you to throw me to the wolves.
Just to judge me, so I'd hide.
But now that I make my presence known.
It feels like an insult to your pride.
I won't live my life in the shadows.
Just for you to feel alright inside.
I'm not responsible for your decisions.
I'm not responsible for your life.
You made your bed with such confidence.
And now it is where you must lie.

I don't know how to love you anymore.
Is it love if it feels like obligation?
I don't know how to share things with you now.
So I let you create stories with your imagination.

I keep my failures and success on a shelf.
It's a way for me to keep protecting myself.
You knowing anything feels far too vulnerable for me.
Cuz you have a history of using it all against me.

You lean on me when I've never been that sturdy.
I've told you before but you never really heard me.
You tell me you admire my independence.
I react to your admiration with defense.
Cuz you never really listened and if you did,
You'd know what a lonely road it's been.

I know you never received the love you desire.
I sympathize for you, but that sympathy grows tired.
Because you could've changed the cycle with me.
Instead you repeated history.
I don't want to carry this resentment anymore.
But I also can't seem to leave it on the floor.
Believe me I have tried, but it's always by my side.
I cannot forgive something you were never sorry for.
I needed a protector.

You were supposed to protect me.
Yet I never felt safe.
Even now, it's like I'm always reaching,
For what I've been taught, a mother should be.

Everything feels like a competition.
Everything feels like a race.
I can't share a single vulnerable moment,
Without you throwing it back in my face.

So I try communication.
I say you hurt me when you did this and that.
You'd think a mother would care to say sorry.
But you take it as a personal attack.

I know you say that you love me.
But part of love is caring how you make me feel.
All the hurt I wear draped on my body,
To you is never a big deal.

So I distance myself to protect what's left of me.
If that makes me selfish, ungrateful and cruel.
I will wear those names with dignity.
Because even in my hurt, I've still always tried to find common ground with you.
It's only brought on more pain.
The realization you'd never do the same.
You played the victim so long it's time you actually are.
So when you meet with your gossipy friends at the bar,
You can tell them what an ungrateful child you raised.
And bask in their sympathy, eat up their praise.
I'm sure the story you told them had some deep, deep holes.
Lies they could never trace.
Maybe you just can't admit it to yourself,
So it'd be silly for me to wait for you to admit it to my face.

This is on you. I'm aiming for peace and tranquility.
You pushed me away with your lack of accountability.
And letting go hurts me. It cuts deeply into me.
But there is a lightness now. I can finally be free.

It's so easy to imagine my future now that you're here.
But it's also so easy to spiral, fueled by all my deepest fears.
I want to believe our love can last, not like the ones from my past.
I want to believe we can thrive because you've never shown me otherwise.
I want to believe.

But babe I got this mind and it don't work right.
Tells me everyone's lying when I'm trying to sleep at night.
Tells me I'm being deceived like it's trying to protect me from something i would never have seen coming.

My mind is always filled with doubt, it's a real issue.
But my heart sees you and knows the truth.
It's like mixed messages coming from both all the time.
And I'm sifting through signals just trying to refine.
It's tiring to do, but i want nothing more than to be here with you.

I'm not trying to scare you, truly.
I'm just coming forward, accountability.
I know these things about myself i try to ignore.
But I gotta warn you what you're in for.

I was always the protector.
So much and so many to always look out for.
Until you walked in.
Now I can lean into my feminine.

How do I just turn off my defenses?
Waiting for the catastrophe to hit.
With you I feel so safe and sound,
I almost just forget.

Your world is a haven that welcomed me with open arms.
Misjudged all intentions, manipulation accusations, all to protect myself from possible harm.
I just want to be soft, gentle and let down my guard.
With you, it's really not all that hard.

I have emotional damage.
I have a lot of ******* baggage.
Didn't realize I held it so close to my side, when I thought i had let go if it all.
Feel like the world is always in flames and I'm the only one that came coax the rain to fall.

How do I let these walls tumble down?
They took so long to build up.
I surrender to the warmth of your shield
But it doesn't feel like giving up. It's just giving in. Letting myself breathe again.

Everyone supposed to keep me safe always failed that task.
Found myself in harms way and when the actions and words didn't match,
I couldn't trust another soul, i just braced myself for the attack.
Scrambling to keep myself safe til i landed safely in your hands.