Snowman

I see his eyes
Dark and black
But they have potential
To be a fire,
Warm, bright, inviting.
I think I saw that light once
In your eyes.

Then there’s the mouth-
Nothing but a stick-
Crooked and sly
Yet happy in Appearance
Reminding me of your smile
Constant, steady, strong

As I admire the snowman,
A song floods my mind:
“There must have been some magic in that old silk hat they found,
For when they placed it on his head he began to dance around…”
You never danced, but maybe…
Maybe he will.

So I try,
but to my dismay
He dances a lot like you.
Tall and stiff
No dancing tonight.

He makes no promises.
With him there is no chance of forever.
He’s just around til the weather changes.
Easy on the eyes.
Easier on the heart.

Another line of that familiar song:
“Frosty, the snowman, was a fairy-tale they say
He was made of snow but the children know how he came to life that day.”

Cold, wet, white.
Smiling, warm eyes, nostalgic.
Forever etched in memories.
The end of a fairy-tale.
Enter into the life of grown-ups
Where I’d rather pick apart fairy-tales
Than to believe in them.

Goodbye Frosty.
Goodbye to you.

For the first time I actually feel
Unworthy
To be someone else’s.
I feel As if
I dont deserve you.
I'm struggling with an image
that I’ve created
and allowed myself
to become.

I feel as though
if you would choose me,
you would be settling.
Somehow.
I now understand the phrase
“out of my league”.
Because,
When im honest,
I have a tendency
to think that
about you.

The truth is,
I’ve put you on this pedestal,
the pedestal of perfection.
Even in my mind
the pedestal wobbles
and tilts.

I know youre not perfect-
no one is-
yet I’ve built
this pedestal for you.
In my mind,
and for now,
you
are
flawless and beautiful.
Soon enough, though,
the pedestal will fall
and you’ll come crashing down.

Hopefully,
Maybe,
You’ll decide
I’m not out of your league.
Maybe you’ll decide I’m worth it,
despite my insecurities
Despite my Flaws.
If I’m lucky,
Or if it’s His plan
When the pedestal falls,
Maybe you’ll land in my arms,
And I in yours,
As we allow our own imperfections
To make us perfect
Together.

“Love” is too strong of a word.
I’m not there yet.

“Like” isn’t strong enough
to describe the heartpounding feeling I get when I’m near you.

“Interested” conveys a more accurate meaning for how I feel
But also lacks emotion…

I think the word that takes the prize to describe me perfectly is
“CRUSH”.

Because if nothing happens but this feeling, I’ll be dissapointed and left with a crush
But if something happens and it doesn’t work out
I will be
Crushed.

Miles above earth and sea
The world stops for an hour or so
Leaving the passengers
To chat
Or read
Or sleep
Or stew

It’s mostly silent except for
The enamored couple on the left
And the life long friends four seats up
And the baby screaming in the back
And the attendants hustling down the aisle.

But life is on pause for these passengers
As they travel from one destination
To the next
Soaring above the world
Full of busyness
And cell phones
And worry

They don’t realize their solitude
Tucked away from the world below,
They chat
Or read
Or sleep
Or stew
Anxious and waiting
To go back to that world
To rejoin humanity
In all its laughter
And sorrow

Thank you Gravity.

Wake up
Get dressed
In your Sunday best.
Don’t forget the smile.

It doesn’t matter if you’re bruised and broken.
Doesn’t matter if your dreams are crushed.
Doesn’t matter if you don’t have all the answers…
Here,
In this place,
Under these lights,
Your makeup must not run,
Your tears must not break through,
And you must never-
NEVER-
Take off the mask you have made.

There’s uniformity behind he masks,
But
If you look
   Deep
     Into their eyes,
   Deep
     Into the windows of the soul,
You may see
   That if we would all
     Take off the masks
And show
   Our insecurities
  There is unity
   in that
  as well.

As “brothers” and “sisters”
We shouldn’t be afraid
To uphold each other
In the good
    The bad
  The neutral.

But instead
We’re busy “prettying” up our lives,
Faking the stories,
And acting optimistic and sure
In a world of pessimism and uncertainty.

Let’s make a resolution.
  Let’s try something new.
    Let’s share our weaknesses
       and let the rivers run from our eyes.
    Let’s share in death and loss
       as well as life and gain
   Let’s embrace the fact
      that we are human
With emotions from all ranges.

Let’s wake up
  Get dressed
   Forget about our Sunday best
  and only smile
If
   and When
  It means something.

I walked into the room demading your attention
Taking captive the entire crowd as my audience,
and all it took
was a little Paint and Glue -  
   otherwise referred to as "Makeup" and "Hairspray".

I turned every head in the room - including yours.
I even rendered you speechless.
But is that
REALLY
The way I want to win you?

I'm sure it doesn't hurt and there are perfectly logical reasons behind it...
But I don't want you
To want me
For (only) that.
What I want
is for you
To want ME
and my Beauty be
an Added Bonus.

When you look at me, what do you see?
Internal or External Beauty?
Or
Am I just another girl...?

You are more than all of that to me.
And capture my attention every time you walk into the room.
You, my dear, have something
No one else has
And you
Don't
Even
Know
It.

You have my heart,
whether you want it or not,
and even though you
never
asked for it.
My heart chose you.

The worst part is that while I've chosen you,
You're choosing her
and are leaving my heart
to vie
for
position.

As I look at the cards in my hand
I examine and scrutinize them
Trying to figure out my next move.
I had a few cards up my sleeve
     (Or so I thought)
But they've all been played -
Maybe too early, maybe too late -
And now reside in the discard pile
All used up
With no impact
On this part
Of the game.

Now I can only use what's in my hand,
Which isn't much, I fear.
Decisions. Decisions.

What's next?
I could hold my hand and bluff through another round
Hoping that she chooses to fold,
Or I could reveal all I hold
and eject myself from this game...
To concede all the points to you or try to keep my chips in play...
What to do? What to do?

There is one card that I have left.
Though, it may not be nearly as powerful as what you seem to hold.
The last card
I have left is
the "Friends" Card:
To form a friendship
and never cross into
what Could-Have-Been;
Never letting my true emotions show,
But always being the "Go-to Girl";
The "Safety-Net";
The "Friend."

This card is like a Wild
It may not be all powerful,
but it certainly makes the owner feel
Some semblance of control;
Some connection;
Some entrance into the game.

So the decision has been made, I guess.
I'll hold this card in my hand
Until all else collapses,
Or until we're all in
And the chips fall
to the
Luckiest player of the night.

Standing here
Looking around
Weighing my options…
I realize I have two-
Nay, three- options from which to choose.

First, I could go back.
I could run.
Run from this ledge,
From hope…
From you…
Back there is the place of comfort.
I have built my palace equipped with stone walls and guards.
It’s a place of safety.
Boring
Lonely
Safety.
Complacency.
Where everything is predictable and everything is expected.
I could run back to that.

The next choice is the other extreme.
I could go forward.
I could jump Head over heels,
off this cliff into the waters
Where there are unknown creatures-
Maybe even monsters-
Lurking at every turn…
But the thing is,
IF I jump
I am hoping
And praying
That you would catch me
And we could fight off
The unknown monsters
Together.

As I look into the abyss that is before me,
wondering if i’m even ready for that adventure,
wondering if we would be a good team,
wondering if we could even make it without hurting
or killing each other,
I realize My last option
Is to stand here
Enjoying the view from this place and
Patiently waiting-
Waiting to see if there is a sign
That would let me know if I should push closer to that ledge
Or run back to my protection-
And hoping that maybe,
As I stand here contemplating which form of suicide I should take,
You would decide to come to my rescue,
Take my hand,
And lead me
To that place where we fight the unknown together.

How do you do it?
What is this spell?
I can’t let you go.
Is this my hell
I’m forced to live with every day
Now that you’ve decided to go away?

My world has turned upside down
My emotions go from the sky to the ground
In one quick flash
My world has crashed
And now I have to rise from the ash.

It doesn’t take much.
The sight of you.
A text.
A call.
Your name.
A song.
A flash of memory…
And then,
The battle begins.
Deep within-
Down In the depths
Of my heart
And soul.
The emotions whirl
And they swirl
Tossing everything
To and fro,
Back and forth,
From ecstasy to depression
For the good times we had, and what we have lost…
From contentment to rage
For the comfort we felt and the things you have done
From rational to primitive
Knowing you’re not the best thing for me and yet wanting to deny all because I want you.
Of all the people in this world
I chose you.
You were my life.
My heaven on earth.
And yet now, you are my hell.

What is this spell?
I can’t let go.
Why did you decide to go?
Was it really that easy to decide to leave
While I stood there with my heart on my sleeve?

Don’t worry about me.
I’ll be fine.
I just have to fight this hell of mine.
The flames we ignited with a spark
That did not leave when you were done with my heart.
Out of the ashes I will rise
I’m just really, really bad at goodbyes.

If you would chase me,
You might be surprised
At what you find
My reaction
To be.

I would probably greet you
With open arms,
A smile
And
A kiss.

I’m sure fear
Would rear
Its ugly head.

Fear of commitment.
Fear of rejection.
Fear of repeating past mistakes.
But if you wanted me,
If you chased me,
I may forget all of that
Just to try again.

Call me stupid,
But I won’t run after you.
I don’t like it.
I refuse to be the chaser.
But if you would chase me -
Just to start the exchange -
I promise
I will meet you halfway.

You wouldn’t have to run far
to secure my affections.
If you were right
and willing.

Until you start the pursuit,
Though,
Let it be known
That I play the “friends card” well.
Very well.
Maybe too well.
And I would rather have you
As a friend
than as a lost lover
Heartbroken
Over something gone awry.

So I’m here
Waiting
To meet you halfway
Even if it is
Three steps forward
And two steps back.

These wall used to be a fortress-
High and mighty they stood.
No cracks.
No crevices.
No way in.
No way out.

I was a princess
Tucked away in the tower.
A tower of fortitude I had built for myself -
My shell of protection
Around my heart
Around myself.

But the days have gone by.
Everyday this princess has grown stronger,
While the fortress walls have chipped apart
Piece by piece.
Brick by brick.
From the inside out
They crumbled.

The outside still looks tough.
Impenetrable.
But from where I stand,
I can see
And know
That – Baby-
These walls are paper thin
Waiting for you
To tear them down
By sending your light-
Your love.

As you huff and puff
And blow this house of cards down
To the ground,
We’ll watch the remnants fall around us.

Butterfly, Flutter by.
Wings beating.
Watch the grace it has as it lands.
One quick movement, though,
and it jumps,
It leaps into the air and flies
Up and down
in a rhythmical motion that is still,
to the unobserved eye,
Beautiful.

Imagine that feeling in your chest,
In your gut,
At the sight of someone,
At the sound of their voice,
At the mention of their name…
Imagine the graceful, yet startled flutterings
of a thousand beating wings inside,
Unseen to the world,
But felt deep within.

Butterflies,
Your fluttering is beautiful enough to escape reality for a moment.
Please don’t let reality crush you
or bring you down.
And if reality is crueler than your dreams,
Fly anyway.

The butterflies have been replaced
with large, heavy rocks.
The rocks lay in the bottom of my stomach
suffocating the butterflies.

It was so hard for me to let them take flight
for you – or anyone for that matter.
For so long they had laid dormant…
But I let them fly for a few months -
a spring and a summer.
My world was brighter because of you.
There were sparks and there was more color in the world around me.

But now, it appears you’ve chosen another
and the Butterflies have been crushed by Rocks.
My world is gray.
Now it is Autumn,
a time when things change…
Do you feel it too?

Maybe someday the butterflies
will find a reason
to push off the rocks
and fly again…
I just wish it could have been
With you.

Dear Boy,
Do you even know I exist?

Dear Boy,
Do I ever cross your mind? Do you think of me like I think of you?

Dear Boy,
Why is it that out of all the guys throwing themselves at me, you’re the one I can’t get out of my head?

Dear Boy,
When it comes to the pursuit are you just missing my hints or are you as afraid and unsure as I am?



Dear Boy,
Do you ever look at me and think, “What if it’s her? She may be enough”?

Dear Boy,
Why don’t you see me looking at you the way you’re looking at her?

Dear Boy,
Do you even realize that I want you and I’m waiting?

Dear Boy,
Just to let you know, my heart was yours, and you never knew…