How do you do it?
What is this spell?
I can’t let you go.
Is this my hell
I’m forced to live with every day
Now that you’ve decided to go away?

My world has turned upside down
My emotions go from the sky to the ground
In one quick flash
My world has crashed
And now I have to rise from the ash.

It doesn’t take much.
The sight of you.
A text.
A call.
Your name.
A song.
A flash of memory…
And then,
The battle begins.
Deep within-
Down In the depths
Of my heart
And soul.
The emotions whirl
And they swirl
Tossing everything
To and fro,
Back and forth,
From ecstasy to depression
For the good times we had, and what we have lost…
From contentment to rage
For the comfort we felt and the things you have done
From rational to primitive
Knowing you’re not the best thing for me and yet wanting to deny all because I want you.
Of all the people in this world
I chose you.
You were my life.
My heaven on earth.
And yet now, you are my hell.

What is this spell?
I can’t let go.
Why did you decide to go?
Was it really that easy to decide to leave
While I stood there with my heart on my sleeve?

Don’t worry about me.
I’ll be fine.
I just have to fight this hell of mine.
The flames we ignited with a spark
That did not leave when you were done with my heart.
Out of the ashes I will rise
I’m just really, really bad at goodbyes.

Wake up
Get dressed
In your Sunday best.
Don’t forget the smile.

It doesn’t matter if you’re bruised and broken.
Doesn’t matter if your dreams are crushed.
Doesn’t matter if you don’t have all the answers…
Here,
In this place,
Under these lights,
Your makeup must not run,
Your tears must not break through,
And you must never-
NEVER-
Take off the mask you have made.

There’s uniformity behind he masks,
But
If you look
   Deep
     Into their eyes,
   Deep
     Into the windows of the soul,
You may see
   That if we would all
     Take off the masks
And show
   Our insecurities
  There is unity
   in that
  as well.

As “brothers” and “sisters”
We shouldn’t be afraid
To uphold each other
In the good
    The bad
  The neutral.

But instead
We’re busy “prettying” up our lives,
Faking the stories,
And acting optimistic and sure
In a world of pessimism and uncertainty.

Let’s make a resolution.
  Let’s try something new.
    Let’s share our weaknesses
       and let the rivers run from our eyes.
    Let’s share in death and loss
       as well as life and gain
   Let’s embrace the fact
      that we are human
With emotions from all ranges.

Let’s wake up
  Get dressed
   Forget about our Sunday best
  and only smile
If
   and When
  It means something.

For the first time I actually feel
Unworthy
To be someone else’s.
I feel As if
I dont deserve you.
I'm struggling with an image
that I’ve created
and allowed myself
to become.

I feel as though
if you would choose me,
you would be settling.
Somehow.
I now understand the phrase
“out of my league”.
Because,
When im honest,
I have a tendency
to think that
about you.

The truth is,
I’ve put you on this pedestal,
the pedestal of perfection.
Even in my mind
the pedestal wobbles
and tilts.

I know youre not perfect-
no one is-
yet I’ve built
this pedestal for you.
In my mind,
and for now,
you
are
flawless and beautiful.
Soon enough, though,
the pedestal will fall
and you’ll come crashing down.

Hopefully,
Maybe,
You’ll decide
I’m not out of your league.
Maybe you’ll decide I’m worth it,
despite my insecurities
Despite my Flaws.
If I’m lucky,
Or if it’s His plan
When the pedestal falls,
Maybe you’ll land in my arms,
And I in yours,
As we allow our own imperfections
To make us perfect
Together.

Standing here
Looking around
Weighing my options…
I realize I have two-
Nay, three- options from which to choose.

First, I could go back.
I could run.
Run from this ledge,
From hope…
From you…
Back there is the place of comfort.
I have built my palace equipped with stone walls and guards.
It’s a place of safety.
Boring
Lonely
Safety.
Complacency.
Where everything is predictable and everything is expected.
I could run back to that.

The next choice is the other extreme.
I could go forward.
I could jump Head over heels,
off this cliff into the waters
Where there are unknown creatures-
Maybe even monsters-
Lurking at every turn…
But the thing is,
IF I jump
I am hoping
And praying
That you would catch me
And we could fight off
The unknown monsters
Together.

As I look into the abyss that is before me,
wondering if i’m even ready for that adventure,
wondering if we would be a good team,
wondering if we could even make it without hurting
or killing each other,
I realize My last option
Is to stand here
Enjoying the view from this place and
Patiently waiting-
Waiting to see if there is a sign
That would let me know if I should push closer to that ledge
Or run back to my protection-
And hoping that maybe,
As I stand here contemplating which form of suicide I should take,
You would decide to come to my rescue,
Take my hand,
And lead me
To that place where we fight the unknown together.

The butterflies have been replaced
with large, heavy rocks.
The rocks lay in the bottom of my stomach
suffocating the butterflies.

It was so hard for me to let them take flight
for you – or anyone for that matter.
For so long they had laid dormant…
But I let them fly for a few months -
a spring and a summer.
My world was brighter because of you.
There were sparks and there was more color in the world around me.

But now, it appears you’ve chosen another
and the Butterflies have been crushed by Rocks.
My world is gray.
Now it is Autumn,
a time when things change…
Do you feel it too?

Maybe someday the butterflies
will find a reason
to push off the rocks
and fly again…
I just wish it could have been
With you.

Butterfly, Flutter by.
Wings beating.
Watch the grace it has as it lands.
One quick movement, though,
and it jumps,
It leaps into the air and flies
Up and down
in a rhythmical motion that is still,
to the unobserved eye,
Beautiful.

Imagine that feeling in your chest,
In your gut,
At the sight of someone,
At the sound of their voice,
At the mention of their name…
Imagine the graceful, yet startled flutterings
of a thousand beating wings inside,
Unseen to the world,
But felt deep within.

Butterflies,
Your fluttering is beautiful enough to escape reality for a moment.
Please don’t let reality crush you
or bring you down.
And if reality is crueler than your dreams,
Fly anyway.

“Love” is too strong of a word.
I’m not there yet.

“Like” isn’t strong enough
to describe the heartpounding feeling I get when I’m near you.

“Interested” conveys a more accurate meaning for how I feel
But also lacks emotion…

I think the word that takes the prize to describe me perfectly is
“CRUSH”.

Because if nothing happens but this feeling, I’ll be dissapointed and left with a crush
But if something happens and it doesn’t work out
I will be
Crushed.