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Ashley Dewicki Feb 2016
What is a big brother?
He's one of the first boys to hold your small and fragile body.
He looks into your tiny green eyes with fascination while all you can do is cry.
He wants to help Mommy with the new baby.
He misses the attention but knows you're helpless without it.
He's patient.
He's the first boy to ever hate you and love you at the same time.
He watches as Mom and Dad help you take those first monumental steps.
He helps you every day to pronounce "Brandon" and probably something along the lines of that he's the best.
He now wishes you could stop talking for five seconds and leave him alone.
He's the first boy to make you cry.
He won't let you play because you're a girl and you're much too little.
He plays with his friends instead and calls you a brat.
He's at home less and less.
He's not the same boy who would hold your hand to cross the street and you don't know why.
He makes a lot of mistakes.
He learns.
He's at home more.
He's sad and you don't know why.
He has pain and regret in his eyes but you only see him as pristine.
He gives you more hugs than you'd like to admit you really want.
He's the first boy to tell you he loves you more than anything in the world.
He doesn't take your admiration for granted.
He jokes around with you and he gets that nerdy little grin on his face.
He smiles big and bright at your imitation of a man voice.
He's packing up boxes with his clothes and books.
He holds you tight before saying goodbye and kisses the top of your little auburn head.
He leaves.
It's quieter around the house and you miss his warm bear hugs.
His hazel eyes droop but yours still stay an adoring green.
He visits but you wish he'd stay.
He has his own life now and you have to wait a little longer to have yours.
He gives you his two cents even if you don't want it.
He helps you with your art until the sun rises the next day.
He has bags under his eyes like wights pulling him down.
He can't come over as often because he has a lot to do.
He's your confidant.
He'd give up his life for yours and you wouldn't hesitate a second to do the same.
He never forgets to give you your warm bear hug before going back to his home.
He always says I love you before leaving because he knows how far those three little words can go.
He's weird but you like weird.
You never get embarrassed by his warm bear hugs.
He's your soft teddy bear.

Brandon, I love you more than all of the stars in the sky. I love you more than all the grains of sand on the earth. I love you because you've taught me one of the most important lessons that I will ever learn, to be kind. You have more generosity in your little finger than I do in my whole body, but you still accept me the way I am. You've taught me how to love people even when they hurt you because everyone deserves love. Your heart is so big and full of love because you've been through so much and you've been hurt so badly, but you keep looking up. Life may get you down sometimes but you've never turned your back on the ones you love. Your kindness is inspirational to me and I can't imagine my life without you.

I have six best friends, and I'm lucky to call you one of them.

I think you're a pretty cool kid.
Ashley Dewicki Feb 2016
What does it mean,
To be a daddy, a dad, or a father?

A daddy…tucks you in at night.
He checks for the monsters that you believe lurk in the dark. When in reality, they only lurk in your mind.
He sits you on his lap, and plays pony-girl till his legs go numb.
He lets you stand on his feet while slow dancing at all the daddy-daughter date nights.
He pushes you on the wooden swing set that he built with his own rough two hands.
He tries to put your hair in a pony tail, even though mommy’s pony tails are superior.
He reminds you not to talk in Church while father is giving his sermon.
He holds your small hand so that you won’t get lost in this big scary world.
He brews his morning coffee, the aroma awaking you from your sleep, and you watch him, thinking, “I can’t wait to be big enough to try some.”
He will be identical to the man that you are going to marry one day.
He protects you from every little thing that scares you to death.

A dad…will help you with your trig homework, but will never tell you the answer unless you figure it out for yourself.
He sternly reminds you to clean up around the house, or you can’t hang out with your friends that weekend.
He yells at you when you pick on your little sister twenty-four seven.
He repeatedly asks you to help make dinner because your mom deserves a break.
He asks a lot of questions because you neglect to tell him what’s going on in your life anymore.  
He never lets you have what you want and always says, “do you have enough money to pay for that yourself?” or the even better, “money doesn’t grow on trees, you know.”
He is always nosey and so old-fashioned.
He is silent in the car because you are too preoccupied to carry on a real conversation while texting your boyfriend that week.
He won’t let you become the adult you want to be.
He comes home, exhausted from work, and you disregard the time you could be spending with him by talking on the phone all night with your friends.
He tries to hug you in front of the kids at school, but it wouldn’t be “cool” to hug back.  
He tells you he loves you, and you can barely reciprocate the adoration that the little girl you used to be, once had.

A father…comes to **** a tiny spider in your shower when you call him, even after you have moved out.
He helps you when your car refuses to start on your first day at a new job.
He walks you down the same church aisle he watched you march along to receive your first Communion, and gives you away to another man, while holding back melancholy tears of joy and sadness.
He tries to visit you and your new husband, but you have a busy life of your own now.
He waits patiently outside the hospital room, until your husband announces that he has become a brand new father to a beautiful baby girl and that your father is a grandpa.
He plays pony-girl with your daughter, because you are much too big now, and his legs go numb.
He is getting older now, but you either don’t realize, or just choose not to notice.

He’s the man who forgot who you are.
He’s the man lying sick and pale in a cold unfriendly hospital bed.
He’s the man, once young and vibrant in your small idolizing green eyes, but is now old and grey.
He’s the man you once called father, dad, daddy.
He’s the man dying slowly before your eyes.
…and before you know it, he’s gone.

No more checking for monsters under your bed.
No more pony-girl.
No more pushes on the swing.
No more dancing on his feet.
No more securing hugs.
No more help with trig.
No more protection from the big bad world.
No more guidance.
No more.

Life is short. We don’t seem to realize that the moments in which we are living right now, will be the exact moments that we’ll wish we could turn the clock back to. People take for granted what they have, such as a man who loves you enough to indulge your childish tendencies and check for those monsters under your bed once more, just to be sure. Your daddy will always be your daddy, no matter if you can feel his warm bear hugs or not. It is hard to think that people can leave your life so effortlessly and never come back. However, what matters the most is the impression that they leave on you and the way you will choose to live your life. My dad has taught me to be smart, caring, and responsible. Along with my six siblings, my father nurtured our family with Christian beliefs, surrounded us with love, and taught us how to treat others with respect and dignity. Although my dad and I have had our numerous ups and downs, I would not ask for any other person to call daddy. Don’t forget how lucky you are to have someone to call father, dad, or daddy, because one day you won’t have anyone to call at all. I am so blessed to know that I will always love my daddy, and he will always love me.
Ashley Dewicki Feb 2016
You know that weight you feel in your heart,
it will get lighter,
but it will never really go away.
That's what we have to look forward to as monotonous humans trudging through life,
a heavy heart.
Our hearts weigh us down to this twisted earth like anchors in our chests battling the roaring waves
and we will always have the scars of our past.
The traces of loss and regret that leave their cruel mark upon our naïve hearts.
Scars never disappear,
They Fade.

— The End —