I'm embarrassed to tell you
It's not something I'm proud of
I burn because it makes me feel better
until it doesn't
I know you don't get it
It's okay
I've been alone this whole time anyways

How dare you?
How dare you make me feel...
                        ...like this
when I smell your aftershave on a stranger

Would I recognize you
If I saw you again
Would you smile
Say hello
Remember me?
"Ashleigh, right?"
Would I blush
I'm sure I would blush
"Noah, right?
Fumble over my words
Wanting more than the moment we had in that silver box
The elevator doors opened
And I will never see you again
Unless you were meant to open more
For me
And you would ask me,
"Could I call you sometime?"
You, with the strawberry cheeks
Shyly
"Of course"
Favorite pen on hand
His hand
Noah
The boy on the 4th floor I will probably never see again
Sincerely, the ******* the 4th floor you will hopefully see again

A sort of happiness existed inside me that hasn’t stepped foot in this unoccupied shell  for years
The familiar humming of my mini fridge
Vibrating enough that I can feel it
through the heels of my naked feet
Gripping to my left earlobe
as if climbing its way into my head
Reminding me that here
in this place
I’m much happier than I was on Spitfire
The stench of cigarette smoke
Memorized dimensions of walk-in closets
Forced happiness
Forever lost on that cul-de-sac

“I have found what you are like” E.E. Cummings
But you are not like the rain
An Addiction
Oreos
You are to me like a black and white cookie
Rough edges
Filled with the best part
Ugly to the world
Ugly to me
Once.
Three bites to be exact
And that was the end to my drug free life
One month to be precise
And that was the end to my clear head
I have indeed found what you are like
A temptation I struggle to not seek out
An Oreo cookie

They’re ****** into your life for a reason
She said
You have to push them out
She said
You have to learn the lesson
She said
Control
A powerful action exhibited by the smallest of people
Childlike fingers crushing your esophagus as though their life depends on your suffering end
Vomiting words onto your shoes in hopes that some of it made it to your ears
Smothering you with everything you never said and everything you can never say
No, you listen
I’m talking
Look at me he said
But you can’t
Because your eyes are glazed over and the bruises around your sockets are swelling and all you can make out are the shapes of terrors you can never wake up from
But you have to learn the lesson
She said

You realized.
It took a crowd of people
9 months
One couple
But you finally realized
I'm here
You chose
Leave or embrace what we are