How do I learn to truly forgive myself?
How do I stop blaming myself
for the mistakes I have made?
How do I find peace within
myself to move forward,
instead of always looking backwards?  
How do I turn this around,
before I totally lose myself again?

These questions haunt me
each and every day.
Just when I think I am making
even the smallest of steps forward,
there is something, or someone,
who pulls me back –
back down into the abyss
of pure sorrow and shame.  
Sorrow of love gone wrong, or lost;
shame for allowing it to
consume such a beautiful heart, and mind.

I know that I must learn to forgive myself
for all of my errors of judgment,
which is one of the hardest things
I have ever had to face.
Being one’s own worst enemy,
while facing the deepest of all criticisms,
is very hard to overcome,
especially, when you lose sight of
the light at the end of the tunnel.  
My faith deserts me when
I need it the most.  
I am solely living on the outside,
while slowly dying in the inside.  

I see, nor feel, any real purpose.  
Am I always meant to loom
in another’s shadow?  
Never to reap the benefits
of all that I have invested?
Never to be acknowledged
for having a good heart?
Never feeling like I will
ever be truly loved,
or cherished, for the
person that I am?  
What does it truly take
for someone to see
the worth in me?  

All these questions,
while not having the answers
makes it hard to believe
that you matter that much
to all those around you.  
Am I just going to always be
an afterthought,
instead of, a forethought?

What more can I do to
prove my own worthiness?
Will I perpetually be stuck
in uncertainties of my own
self-doubt?  
Will I ever truly find my
place in this world?

All these questions constantly
swirl in my mind, as I try
to figure out the answers.
The pressure of finding
these answers lies
heavily on my shoulders.
I am a strong woman, indeed,
but when I face one
challenge after another,
without truly healing,
I tend to find myself
questioning my own existence.

I do not want to be remembered
as a woman who was always in pain.
I want my self-description to be of
a woman, who despite her
many adversities,  found her
sense of being, as an example to others.
Life is exactly what we make of it.
If I continue to allow myself to
wallow in these fears,
then I have truly succumbed to
own my demise.

Even with the most clouded
of mind, I know I can not
allow this anymore.  
I know that my heart
cannot endure the pain
and disappointment that it bears.  
So, I must learn to recognize
that I am human, and that
I will make mistakes.  
How I learn from these mistakes
is what separates me from another -
it is what defines my uniqueness.  
Regardless of the loneliness
that surrounds me constantly,
I must remember that I am
needed, and wanted, by others.

The only way to do this
is to try to forgive myself,
while realizing,
that those who also recognize
my true beauty are the ones
that deserve to be part of my life.  
As the haze lifts more and more each day,
I do believe I will find my way again.
Just some more bumps along this
road that they call life.  

Vicki A. Zinn
May 27, 2013

Thoughts of you
swirl in my mind,
and remain stagnant in my heart.
Oh, how they haunt me so.
There are so many words
left unsaid by me;
words that may
never reach your ears.

These words would bring
to me much needed solace.
Simply said, they would dissipate
the shadow that
follows me everywhere;
this same dark shadow that makes me
question every step I have made,
and every step I am about to make.

My words left unsaid
will remain as such,
as time is needed
to heal the loss I now feel,
before I can face you and say,
word by word, what I feel -
what I will always feel.
“I love you, I miss you,
and I need you.
I want you in my life.
I am sorry for my indiscretions.”

When these words
have finally been said,
I hope, we both find comfort
in knowing that as your friend,
I will always be there,
wishing you well and
hoping that life fulfills you.

Vicki A. Zinn
2008

Sometimes life presents challenges,
which at the time may seem small,
but instead, appear insurmountable.
Finding true love is one of the hardest
tasks that humankind, as a whole, faces.

Many see love as pure fantasy,
reciprocal, requited, and unconditional,
as true love is meant to be.
This kind of love brings contentment,
and internal peace, which can be unlike
any euphoria you have ever felt.

This love intoxicates and exhilarates.
It will lift you higher
than the tallest mountain,
and make you feel fuller
than the deepest ocean.
This love will make you feel whole,
and complete, with the
joining together of two lost,
lonely souls, once wondering adrift.
in an union that fulfills.

But, for a select few, this ideal of fantasy is
more of a reality filled with heartache.
That same reality can bring us to our knees,
and the pain alone can smother us,
to the point of not being able to breathe.
Then comes the constant cycle of hurt,
emptiness,  and anger, which draws us back
to the source which has caused such emotion.
It leaves us begging for the pain to stop;
sometimes making us yearn, to once again, be with
the one who has caused us to feel such turmoil.

It is an addiction unlike any other,
caused by the fear of being alone
and starting anew.
We now find ourselves
sacrificing our own self,
to maintain a sense of familiarity and safeness.
Not realizing, but instead blinded by memories,
that this reality is showing us that it
was just not meant to be.

It takes time to mend a broken heart;
time on our own,  to discover our true self-worth;
time to realize that love will find us again.
We will encounter a struggle, unlike another,
to overcome our fears of distrust and vulnerability.
Many lessons will be learnt, along the way.
But, with strength and perseverance,
all of the time spent healing,
will open our heart to a brand new beginning, one day.

First, we must realize, that deep within our own self
lies the ashes of our once brilliantly burning heart.
Only with time, will our pain become manageable.
Yet, we will always wear
the scars of a love gone bad,
as an embattled soldier wears his own, from a war lost.
But, choosing to not allow this to consume oneself,
is a true challenge, in itself.

In the end, deciding when we have had enough,
is what will allow the reopening of our heart.
We must learn, to not allow the pain to truly hide
the one thing that lies right in front of us – opportunity.
Sometimes this opportunity,
is a new love, that is more fitting than the last.
A new love, one that will ease
the loneliness that
envelopes us like a blanket;
a new start with someone who can
love, respect, cherish,
and adore us,
more than any ghost of our past.

We all have the power to turn
our reality into fantasy.
However, never lose sight,
that even true love is not perfect,
and neither are we.
We all make mistakes; we will disappoint.
Not all of us will possess the means, or desire,
to hurt another on purpose.

It is the search for a soul, that mirrors our own,
which will be the hardest struggle.
This struggle can be won with one true fact -
not all people are alike.
Once we open our mind, and our heart, to this,
all fears and inhibitions will melt away,
as the sun melts the snow, in early Spring.

With this sign of rebirth,
our new love will be unlike
all we have experienced before.
But, we must never allow our past
to dictate our present,
which will ultimately decide our future.
We must find that power within ourselves,
to overcome the reality,
by embracing, and enjoying,
the new adventure, and path,
we are about to undertake.


Vicki A. Zinn

February 2011

The broken glass lies on the floor
in front of me.
It has shattered into many pieces,
just as my spirit has done so
many times before.  
I have struggled for a long time
to find my place in this world,
but, one thing I have never questioned,
is my identity.

Beneath the surface,
God has bestowed upon me the
greatest beauty of all – my heart.
Not in its physical form,
but, in its spiritual one,
is what defines my identity.  
Simply known as character,
it is how one is seen
leading their life,
each and every day.  

With pride, my identity
can shine onto others,
as an example of how
a heart can be so loving,
so caring, so understanding,
so compassionate, so kind.  
All of these traits are
what comprise my identity.

Forever, I will personify these traits,
like one who proudly wears
a badge of courage;
a badge to show that
I have weathered the
toughest of battles,
and have come out
stronger than ever .  
Along the way,
with each challenge presented,
not once has my identity faltered.  

As I pick up the pieces
of the broken glass,
I place them all together
on the surface in front of me.  
The cracked glass outline
reminds me of my many failures;
however, I look past the
fissures that are apparent on the surface,
and see my identity staring back at me.  
It is complete, and reflective,
not fragmented and dull.  

Even though certain facets
of my life remain unclear to me now,
my identity is something
that I am most certain of.
With pride, I carry it with
me every day; with honor,
I display it courageously.  

Vicki A. Zinn

March 12, 2013

As I sit here with my toes
buried in the sand,
I stare out at the vast ocean
that lies before me.
The reflection I see is
one of the person I now am.

The reflection that gazes back at me
is one whose eyes are filled
with emptiness and sorrow.
A reflection lacking
any sign of joy or happiness,
for the once present smile
has been erased like
chalk on a chalkboard,
replaced with a frown, instead.

This reflection seems as dark
as the water in the distance.
But, with the approaching sunset,
the rays of the sun
shine a different light,
making the water appear golden,
sparkling as if given a new life.
In this, I see a new reflection,
a second chance,
a real purpose and
meaning in this world.
It reminds me of how
precious life truly is -
to never take life for granted,
to never give up hope.

As the water before
me grows quieter,
with the setting of the sun,
my fears also diminish.
I recognize that the reflection,
now staring back at me,
is the person that
I need to become.
This reflection is my future
as it is meant,
and destined, to be.

Vicki A. Zinn
2009

You have fallen once again.
Little do you know, nor realize,
that when you reach out your hands
to find support to lift yourself back up,
it is actually my hands
pulling you to your feet.

  I exist mainly in your thoughts.
  Someone who has touched your life,
  with my kind words and gestures.
  I have laughed with you;
  I have cried with you.
  I am the one whom you have shared
  your life with - your thoughts,
  your hopes,  your dreams,  your desires.
  I have been there with you,
  through your most joyful times,
  as well as, your darkest.

Most refer to me as a true friend.
Those who really know, call me an Earth Angel -
a guardian sent from Heaven,
with a soul as gentle as the breeze,          
 which dances through your hair.    
 One who places you in high regard,          
 and cherishes you deeply.                
 An Angel who thinks of you often,            
 cares for you, worries about you.
 One who will never forget you.              

Forever know this Angel is        
closely watching over you.          
My eternal presence surrounds you,
always waiting for the time
I am needed the most.  
Trust that I will never
fail you,  as my place is by your side.
Find solace in my words and actions,
as they guide you on whatever
path you choose to follow.  
I am there with you, always….

Vicki A. Zinn
2012

Once upon a time,
God presented you to me
when life seemed so meaningless
without true love.
There you were,
with eyes so gentle
as the breeze
that came with each touch
of your hand to mine.

Within these eyes
you would gaze so deeply,
as though you were peering
directly into my soul.
Each time, this gaze would draw
me deeper into yours,
while allowing my heart to open up
to the one thing that has been missing
for such a long time

This one thing is defined
simply as a soul mate.
You touched me,
understood me, loved me,
unlike any other man has
ever been able to do.
These three things alone were the answer
to my long unanswered prayers.

You were my reflection
staring back at me in the mirror.
You could read my thoughts,
unlike another.
You treated me like a queen,
and I treated you like a king,
a match made only in Heaven.

We gave each other direction,
support, and attention;
qualities lacking forever it seems,
but which came so easily for us
because of our true
addiction to each other.
The want and need to feel complete
was met in all actions of our devotion
and commitment to each other.

When this kind of love finds you
never let it go.
For one day, you may find yourself
making the same mistakes as before;
when right there in front of you
stood perfection of true love
staring you in the face.

Love is a gamble indeed,
but finding a soul mate is
only one chance provided to thee
in our lifetime.
Embrace this chance, cherish it,
and embellish the true euphoria
it provides to you.

The connection with a soul mate is eternal;
however, sometimes life will
present challenges which
may try to undermine
the bond between you.
The temptations or desires
of human nature
can be strong enough at times
to cause a change in the
balance of this uniformity.

A period of self-discovery
may be needed
to strengthen the fears
fueled by past hurt.
This hurt can cause
so many doubts within oneself,
especially in the belief
that someone so amazing
can actually be a lifetime partner;
that what is actually happening
is one’s dreams coming true.

Most importantly remember,
this connection is greater than
anything in this natural world,
including any negativity
towards its existence.
It survives through
good times and bad times;
it prevails over
even the toughest challenges,
because by its power alone,
these two souls will remain
intertwined forever in their
earthly and spiritual existences.

Though our time was short
this first time,
through faith alone,
we will find each other
in one another’s grasp again.
The pull we have toward each other,
will be stronger than before.
All doubts and fears will be gone;
everything will appear
and feel as it should.

Two soul mates brought together by fate,
briefly separated by chance,
yet always yearning for each other.
These same two soul mates,
one day finding their way back to the path
that they had once been traveling together.
Soul mates putting everything back into place,
as it was meant and destined to be.....

Vicki A. Zinn

April 20, 2012

It is believed that someone
enters your life
for a reason, a season,
or a lifetime.
You came into mine
for a reason -
a reason to show me
that life does move on,
even after all of the pain,
and disappointment,
has now brought me
to my lowest point.

Your presence lifted my spirit;
it gave me a reason
to believe in myself,
to believe in you,
to believe in us.
You gave me a reason
to smile again;
a reason to hope
that, finally, the void
I was feeling was now filled.
All of this you
brought to me
in such a very short
period of time.

Now that you're gone,
I want to thank you
for the biggest reason of all;
you helped to relight
a fire, from mere ashes,
that had burnt
out some time ago.
For this reason alone,
I will always be grateful.

Vicki A. Zinn  
2008

A year of my life has come and gone,
as though it passed
in just a second’s time.  
I had lived many days
filled with so much regret;
continually asking myself
what if I had been
the person I am now,
would it had made
a difference in our outcome?

I realize now that
we are two different people.  
But, does it really matter
that we grew up differently,
or one has more than the other?  
Because I know, and believe,
that true love stems
from an internal understanding
of one another, and is
not based on materialism,
or circumstance.  

Letting go of the regrets
has freed me from a life of guilt,
and “what if’s.”  
I am proud of the woman I am now.  
I know that I could not have done
anything differently,
or I could not have
loved you more than I did,
not only with my words,
but, with my actions, also.  

I am now free to find a new start,
a new direction.  
Without this burden,
I can clearly discover
what the world
has in store for me now -
whether that means a new love,
or a new dream.
Whatever it is,
I am not so sure, right now.
But, with each day,
the path will become
much clearer in my mind;
as this haze of uncertainty,
which is like the early morning fog,
that envelopes the countryside,
will begin to dissipate
little by little, with time.  

At least now I am not
so scared of failure,
as I have been taught a very
valuable lesson.
I have learned,
in a very hard way
that letting go
is not as simple as
one thinks it should be.
However, it is
truly necessary
in order to proceed
through the new door
that has just opened
before your eyes.    

Vicki A. Zinn

May 4th, 2013

I have been told that I am
An Earth Angel sent by God
To shelter those that needed
The most protection.
But, what happens when this
Earth Angel has herself fallen?
Who will be there to bandage
Her delicate wing that has
Now been broken?

The question is why this
So lovely Earth Angel has fallen?
Has she carried one too many
Burdens on her shoulders?
Has she lost sight of her own
Purpose, along the way,
That it has made her blind to
The true perils that lie
Right in front of her?

I am crying out for help
As my once and so powerful
Wing has broken under all of the
Stress of this powerful weight.
Why has this happened to me?
Did I lose faith that the people
I was sent to safe guard actually
Cared about my purpose anymore?
Or, did I just stop believing that I, myself,
Could help them anymore?

I have walked so many years of my
Own life being this angel, while forgetting
That sometimes I also need an Earth Angel
To help me find my way sometimes.
I am sure that is hard to believe that
Earth Angels can be so fragile?
Remember, these Angels are humans
With emotions and are not infallible.
Choose your words and actions wisely,
Because your perils become theirs.  

Can you imagine having the continuous  
Strength to be one of these Angels?
I bet not.  But, understand that this
Is what I feel my destiny has always been.
So, now, I need some time to heal my
Own broken wing.
I certainly cannot fly with just one.

I pray that God will miraculously heal
My own broken wing so that I may soon
Get back to what I am needed to do –
To provide support and encouragement
To you so that you will make it past
Whatever encumbers you mind, your heart,
And, most importantly, your soul.    


Vicki A Zinn

August 3rd, 2015

This pain encompasses me;
it envelopes me; it surrounds me.
It follows me with each step
that my foot it does make;
it belabors me with each beat
of my heart it does take.
It shadows me even on
the cloudiest of days;
it reminds me with each memory
that my mind recreates.  

Your face exists
in my dreams now.
It haunts my thoughts,
each passing day.
Memories of our love
still linger in my heart.  
The feelings we once shared
are now only one-sided.  

I don’t know how to forget you,
even though I know I should.  
This mental anguish, alone,
causes me indescribable hurt.  
This hurt torments me,  
as flashbacks of our
times together continually taunt me –
constantly reminding me of how
truly happy we once were.  
I begin to lose control of my emotions –
sobbing, shaking uncontrollably.  

Each night before I slumber,
I pray to God that he grant
me some hours of peace,
as all parts of my being
are so exhausted, anymore.  
But, this pain finds me,
even while I try to rest.  
My once safe haven,
now discovered,
is only filled with nightmares.

I barely survive each day.  
I feel like an empty shell;
a lost soul walking around,
in circles, with no end in sight.  
Circles with no meaning, nor purpose,
in life, other than to
repeat the same cycle,
over and over again.  
How do I break free of this insanity?  

Even though my judgment is clouded,
the only thing I can be certain of,
is that I must find a way to survive this.
I must take the time to heal;
I must not give into the temptations
of loneliness, as misery
tends to love company.  
I need to realize that
true mending of my spirit
must be done on my own.  
This is when I truly learn
my own strengths, and weaknesses.  

I have been in this place before,
and I found my way out of the abyss.
Even though the path was dark,
at first, the longer I climbed ,
the closer to the surface I got.
At times, I slipped and fell downwards,
but, my desire to desperately
depart this darkness,
burnt so intensely within.
This fire, of true conviction,
was the only light that
helped me reach the surface.  

This pain will ease one day.  
I know I must believe,
as hard as it may be to do so.  
This pain will have no control
over me, unless I give it thee.  
One day, the source of the pain
will be forgiven by me;
however, this pain will never
be truly forgotten, indeed.
But, instead, it will become
another lesson learned
along this journey called life.  


Vicki A. Zinn

March 8, 2013

Did you ever just sit and wonder,
how someone you barely know,
could impact your life so much,
in such a short amount of time?
How they could so quickly turn a
frown upside down?  
How they were able to relight
a fire that burnt out
some time ago?

What is so special about them,
that they were able to get past
the walls surrounding your heart,
as well as, being able to
totally invade your thoughts?
The biggest question is how you could
trust another person, as easily as,
you trusted them?
Trusted them, even after you swore to yourself
that you would never, ever, be able to trust another,
after all the hurt and disappointment.

I have, and I do know that,
from the moment I met you,
I could feel safe in sharing
my most intimate thoughts.
I could share with you
my dreams and aspirations.
I could share with you
my hopes and fears.
Most importantly, I could
allow you to walk around
in my head, and in my heart,

So, now that you are gone,
why do I cherish
memories of you, so much?
Why am I left feeling
that I am only a distant
thought in your mind?
What more can I do to prove to you
that I am not someone who just speaks,
but also proves, by my actions?

Do you realize that I think of you often,
without truly understanding why?
Asking myself constantly,
why can't I just have you?
But, I know that, deep down in my soul,
I do not truly want you
when you have such doubts.
I want you free of any
fears and ambiguities.

Maybe the real, and most important question,
of why we were destined to meet,
will never truly be answered.
But, I do know that, regardless if,
I ever receive any answers,
I will never regret
the brief time I spent with you,
in the making of these questions.


Vicki A. Zinn
2011

Did you ever just once
stand in front of a mirror
and actually see the pain
reflected in your eyes?
Behind this pain lies
many years of feeling
that you are never worthy;
never worthy of ever being
loved by that one special
someone that you were
supposedly destined to
spend the rest of your
natural life with.

People like this often
regress into a sea of
blackness that they can
never swim out of.  
They are surrounded
by nothing but empty
water filled with
empty promises -
these exact promises
that they desperately
cling to in order
not to drown.

It is ultimately their
choice to brave
these murky waters,
or allow themselves to
be continually trapped
in this Sea of Obscurity.
Even if they can pull
themselves out of this
despair, they still have that
lingering feeling that
they are forever doomed
to live in this constant
state of pain and agony.

These lost spirits just
want and need to feel
like they matter.
They desire to be
accepted and loved
for who they are,
regardless of their
faults and flaws.  
They often times try
too hard to have
others accept them.
However, when they are
overlooked or made to feel like
a speck of dirt on the ground,
they again lose their way.

It is a constant battle that
people face daily if they feel
that they are never worthy –
never deserving to be given a
real chance in life and in love.
They feel unappreciated
and find themselves
questioning their place
In this world.  

Many masque their pain
with poisons that
make them feel numb.  
But, most know that
these elixirs are only
a temporary fix.  
They do not even
know where to start
to fix this internal pain.
All they want is to feel
loved and accepted.

Instead of condoling these
people, help them by not
only extending your hand,
but also by sharing your
heart with them.  
They need to feel that
they are just as worthy
as someone who appears
happy and content with
their own life.  

Help give them a
reason to feel like
they really do matter.
Show them they are not
condemned to a life of
feeling like they
are never worthy of
any joy and love.  

There is hope and promise
for them, and maybe
sooner than later,
these exact same
misguided people
will be able to look
in the mirror and
not dread what they
have seen in the past;
but instead, the mirror
emulates that sparkle
of hope that has been
missing for so long.

Vicki A. Zinn

June 25, 2016

There you are,
once more,
in my dreams.
We talk as though
we are starting anew.
We touch like not one
day has passed since
our last intimate embrace.  
With your word,
and your grasp,
you assure me that
we were meant for
each other, and that,
nothing will ever tear
us apart, again.  

When I awake,
I often sit and then wonder,
what is the meaning of this?
I fear it is my subconscious
speaking to me;
trying to show me
that I still think of you,
when I should not be.
I fear it is my heart
playing out the emotions
that I try to keep well hidden,
deep within.  
However, my thoughts seem
clearer to me than they
have in many, many months.
In actuality, this fantasy
has not crossed
my mind in quite some time.  

So, the real reason for these
dreams remains a mystery.
Perhaps, it is a vision sent
from God to show me
our reconciliation one day;
or maybe, it is a sign
of something else?
I do not know the answer, really.
But, I suppose that whatever
these dreams symbolize,
I will one day realize
what needs to be done
when I stumble upon
the bridge that needs
to be crossed.  

Vicki A. Zinn

April 7, 2013

Once again, I find myself at a weak moment.
A moment of wondering what now?
What do I do; where do I go from here?
Why do I place all my hope into  
something that appears so encouraging
on the outside, to only turn out to be a façade?

Is it my internal optimism that allows me
to hope, despite all of the prior pain
I have endured? What else can it be?
Is it my continual bad choices, or is it
still God’s will for me to continue learning?  
Regardless of the questions, I am slowly
losing faith that I will ever find what I am
truly looking for.  

I do not believe in faerie tales.  
Reality is what we make of it.  
I try not to force my own destiny,
but allow it to follow course,
as it is meant to do.  
But, somehow, I still dream that there  
is someone out there for me.
Someone to hold my hand  
through life’s numerous journeys.  

Is it better to not try to find love,
yet instead, allow it to find you?
Only then, will it be genuine?  
I do not know anymore.  
Others seem to find it so easily,
while I am one who often struggles
for even a chance to show
my self-worth, my devotion, my love.

I cannot ride this roller coaster anymore.  
I cannot feel this loss anymore.  
Maybe I am meant to be alone.  
I suppose there is only one person
that truly has the answers to my questions.
I guess I am just to believe that he
knows what is best for me right now.    

I feel the path I am walking is the
right one, but I am just as human
as others who crave the touch
of another’s skin to theirs;  
who long for a kiss to their lips as
as a sign of adoration.    
Yearning to be someone that
another wants to share their
thoughts, aspirations, and dreams with.  

Even I tell others to concentrate
on what is good in their lives -
to try not to allow the emptiness
they are feeling to consume them whole.
Am I not a hypocrite to be giving such advice
when I, myself, do not take it?
Somehow, I have to believe in the words I say.
I wonder if my solution is rather simple?  
Maybe it will take years for the answer
to surface, instead of, in days I hoped it would take?  

Regardless, I want to trust again.  I want to believe in
another’s words to me.  I want to feel their embrace,
instead of each night going to sleep untouched.  
Besides all of the roles I play in my life,  
I just want to feel alive again.  
God, is any of this too much to ask?  

Vicki A. Zinn
September 29, 2013

As the fog that
has surrounded me,
for so long now,
has finally dissipated,
I can clearly now see
my future lying before me.  
Forever it seemed,
it was like looking
at a glass half empty,
instead of half full.  
Such a dismal outlook to have
on a life with so much potential.  

The clarity that I have sought
has finally been attained –
it is like finally seeing
the light at the end of
a very dark tunnel.  
Instead of ambling around
aimlessly in a haze of
uncertainty and loneliness,
I am now walking
a clearly marked path.  

This journey has never been
more readily apparent to me,
than it is now.  
Confidence beams from my being,
as a fountain of purpose
showering the world.  
I have never been so ready
to finally fulfill, and achieve,
my greatest dreams and aspirations.

The clarity I have sought,
has been a rather difficult,
and painful, internal battle.
But, with much strength,
patience, and determination,
I am now well on my way
to transforming into the
person that I was
designed to be.

Vicki A. Zinn

March 22, 2013

I remember the first time I met you;
we looked into each other's eyes
and were mesmerized.
I remember the first time we danced;
you held me tight and kissed my lips.
I remember our many hours of sitting,
hand and hand on the couch,
and how I would just stare at you.

I remember the first time you said,
‘I love you’,
on the night that all celebrate
the coming of a New Year.
With our thoughts intertwined,
I remember how we could
finish each other’s sentences
and how we would laugh
at each other's jokes.
I remember most how we
could make each other smile.
I finally believed I had found
the one to complement me.

I remember how you would sing to me;
it would make me feel  so heavenly.
My heart would beat so quickly
each time I heard your voice.
I remember our long conversations,
about life and love,
and how much it meant to us.
You told me that I
was everything you ever wanted.
I remember our dreams
of living together
as one happy family.
The vision we longed so much for.
I remember most,
how much you once adored me
and could not get enough of me.
I finally believed I had found
the eternal love to complete me.

I remember how I truly felt
you were my soul mate;
that a higher power
brought us together for a reason.
I remember how I stood beside you,
through the good times and the bad -
you knew you could
always depend on me.
I remember,
at your weakest moment,
I pulled you through -
you knew that I
would never turn you away.
I remember most, how you said,
I was the reason you
were the man you had become.
I no longer know what to believe.

But for now, I am filled
with grief of our memories,
which consume my thoughts,
and flood my heart.
I ask myself,
“What was so wrong with us
that you chose to end things the way you did?”
I am so lost, and oh so lonely,
since the day you said goodbye.
I wonder if one day
the different paths we are now following
will ever meet again?

I am now left to pick up
the pieces of my life,
while you seem to not have
a worry in the world.
You say that you still love me,
yet, you want to be free.
I know that I still love you,
and wish we could go back
to the way we once were, together.
With time, do you think
you could feel the same?
Is it truly possible
after all of the hurt caused?

I still believe
we made the perfect couple.
We truly were happy, at one time.
Just know that I remember,
I will always remember.

Vicki A. Zinn
2008

I have often felt
I was to never have
any real purpose until I met you.
No other real purpose
than to go through each day,
repeating the same motions,
as the prior days, months, years.
Never to feel, nor embrace,
the excitement
of falling in love again -
knowing that the other person
is ready, and willing,
to make many lasting memories
together with me, forever.

When you were
brought into my life,
I once again felt happy,
and relieved,
that finally I had
found the last piece -
the last piece of my puzzle
that has eluded me for so long.
The piece that has
often times been so close,
yet so far away;
the piece that I
so have longed for,
to make my puzzle complete.

This piece that you
presented me with,
was not the final piece,
as I had wished for.
Instead, it was the piece
that showed me that happiness
can happen in many
different ways.
It gave me a new outlook,
which I so desperately needed.
For this, which you have given me,
I will always deeply treasure.  

This piece that I still search for,
will one day find me,
when I least expect it.
Maybe instead of searching,
but instead waiting,
is when I will have
what I have always desired.
The last piece of my puzzle -
the one that will fit perfectly;
the same piece that will
finally make my
picture worth framing.

Vicki A. Zinn
2009

Days seem to pass ever so slowly,
with no beginning, nor end;
constantly lost in my own pain,
with no direction, no guidance,
no happy ending in sight.
Nothing to look forward to,
that I may cherish as my own.

Just knowing in my core,
that I must try to find
a new beginning -
one that does not include
you as my lover,
my confidant,
and most importantly,
my best friend.  

With this acknowledgement,
I am deeply saddened,
because my heart wants,
and desires, you more than ever.
My heart yearns for you
to know everything
that one needs to know about me;
wanting to share the rest of our days
growing old together.  

Saying our final goodbyes
to each other
has now become necessary
to put the pain of
our demise behind me.
Now more than ever,
I realize this new beginning
is a way for me
to embrace the days
that lie before me.

Days filled with hope, and joy,
instead of the pain, and sadness,
that always awaited me.  
Knowing that I am needed,
and wanted, by others,
will be the new beginning
that allows me
to become the person
I used to be -
one that gives me faith
that all that has happened,
was a way to show me that
much better things
lie in wait for me.  

Vicki A. Zinn
2009

Sometimes people are disasters awaiting,
in a manner of a sinkhole,
swallowed by an endless depression
that follows them with every
step and move they make
Not asking for anyone’s help
only adds to the chasms
of mind, body, and spirit

Sometimes people are disasters awaiting,
in a manner of a train-wreck,
which at one time followed
a direct path to redemption
Along the way, this train
veered towards a catastrophic path
of tragic consequences that will
forever scar their original goals

Sometimes people are disasters awaiting,
in a manner of a tsunami,
displaced by anger and hatred
towards those that are opposite
This same ire and prejudice
builds up within them continuously
waiting to reach its peak
and come violently crashing down

Sometimes people are disasters awaiting,
in a manner of an earthquake,
with a lot of negative energy
below their own physical surface,
shaking their faith and patience
One day rattling the uniformity
that all people rely on
for overall peace and existence

Sometimes people are disasters awaiting,
in a manner of a blizzard,
blowing around aimlessly, permanently blinded
by ignorance, preconception,  and one-sidedness
This same bias eternally darkening
their desire to be open
to the many differences among
the distinctiveness of humankind alike

Vicki A Zinn
April 10, 2016

Again, I find myself sinking in the perpetual sea of doubt,
wondering where I stand with you,
questioning my role in your life,
feeling like I really do not matter that much at all.
I am not sure if you quite understand how this feels?
Will it always truly be just about you?

Regardless of how hard I try to believe others,
the ones that tell me I am worth it,
it just never really sinks in.  
I am so caught up in my own self questioning
that it is hard for me to really feel like
I am the same person that these people
claim that I am – this one immensely
strong person of which I am clearly unable to see.

For so long now I constantly feel like
I am never standing on solid ground.  
This persistent uneasiness makes me
wonder each and every day of my life
what I can do to make you notice me?
I cannot change the person that I am -
the person I have grown to be;
nor do I ever want to be anyone other
than who I know that I can be.  

Maybe the answer has been in
front of me for some time now.
Maybe I have known for awhile
that things with you are what
they will always be
and never what I truly want them to be.
I do realize that in order to save myself,
I need to walk away and find someone
who is willing and able to cherish me
for the angel that I feel that I am -
someone willing to give all
of themselves to me and
not just some of themselves to me.

After all I have been through,
I desperately need peace in my life.
I just want to feel loved, desired,
and cherished by someone
who can truly appreciate
all of me and not some of me.  
I know that my spirit is broken,
and maybe, just maybe,
if I learn to stop making excuses
and being acceptable of settling for less,
I will rise above all of this pain
and one day finally find the love
I have been so eagerly searching for.


Vicki A. Zinn

March 14, 2017

As I sit here alone,
thoughts of you fill my head.
I go over and over
what you meant to me,
what you still mean to me.
You touched my heart,
like no one before.
Our memories totally surround me,
with every waking moment -
they are the last things I feel
before I retire at night.
Dreams of you weigh
on my mind and wake me.
This is when I miss you the most.

Our lives are on different paths now.
You are taking time
to figure out what you truly want,
even though I already know,
but have no control over it.
My wants rest in your hands.
So, I tread forward,
pretending that all is well,
while inside, I feel like I am dying
without your love -
your love that supported me;
your love that sustained me.
your love that completed me.
Now, I am lost without it.

You have asked
if we can still be friends?
I knew this would be
hard for me to do,
even after all of the hurt.
So, I took some time
to mend my heart,
and I learned  to forgive you -
with open arms
I welcomed you back.

Things are going well,
however, I remain so guarded.
I know that I must be this way,
so as not to be misled.
You tell me that you understand.
Yet, truly, do you realize
that I have given you one last chance -
one last chance to remain a part of my life?
This is all I can afford to give you anymore.

I am trying to move forward each day,
by taking small steps,
instead of one giant leap.
Sometimes I feel like
I am making progress;
other times, I feel like I am failing.
Time is all I have during my transition.
One day, all wounds shall be healed.

Time will tell what becomes of us.
One thing I know for certain is,
even though I am moving forward,
you will always feel
my spirit close by -
this same spirit
that will always care for you
and wish you well.

Vicki A Zinn
2008

The fire that once burnt
so brightly in me
has since diminished
to a mere flicker.
I have lost my way
along this journey
that is called life.

I reach out to
you for comfort,
to pick me up,
as I have once again fallen;
wanting you to wrap
your arms around me,
and hold me,
until my sobbing has stopped.

Wanting you to
lift my face,
look deeply into my eyes,
with care and concern.
Your gaze assuring me
that what I am feeling
will soon be
a distant memory.

Your embrace is so tight,
that I feel nothing  
but security in your arms.
The world now stands still,  
if not only for a minute,
because you have shown
how much I truly mean to you.

No words are needed to be said.
Because, just by a single touch,
which means everything to me,
you have shown me
that you believe in me,
and always will.
This knowledge is all
I really wanted.  

Nothing means more to me
than the power of friendship.
With this tool,
I will find my way back.
Have faith in me,
never give up on me,
even when I say that I have.
I can always rely on
you to remind me
that the world would
miss my smiling face,
my kind, loving,
and kindred spirit.  

Sorrow has ruled
my life for so long,
that I have known
no other path.
But, with your guidance,
I will find my way again.
When I do, that flicker
will once again become
a flame that burns
more radiant than
it ever has before.

Vicki A. Zinn
2009

Once upon a time,
God presented me to you.
My purpose was to
lift your spirits;
to show you that life can be
all that you have hoped for,
dreamt of, and,
most importantly, deserve.

You feel you are not ready
to accept the gifts I am
ready to give you.  
But, your decision
has not changed
what I feel deep within.
That one of my desires
is to not give up hope,
and faith, in you.

Scared as you may feel,
it is as understandable,
as it is believable,
that regardless of your fears,
and the darkness of uncertainty
that surrounds you,
a light flickers dimly in the distance.

When the day comes
that you begin to put
the demons of the past behind you,
you will clearly see
that the battle to find
peace and happiness
becomes easier each day.

That once distant light
may not seem as far away
as it used to be.    
You will actually understand,
that this light has been patiently
with you the entire time, it presence
only clouded by your fears.

This light is the key
to my mind, and to my heart.
I have never felt so strongly,
as I feel right now,
that you have been
brought into my life
for not only a reason,
but for a lifetime.

If one day you decide,
to accept this key
that has been presented to you,
I can assure you
that all of your doubts will diminish
when my heart gently beats
against yours, and the gaze
of our eyes meet again.

With these elements alone,
you will not only see, but feel,
that the soul you have been
so longingly searching for,
has always been there,
within your reach,
the entire time.


Vicki A. Zinn
2010

Once upon a lifetime, it seems,
God presented you to me
at one of my lowest times.
I felt like I did not deserve you,
that you were too good to be with
a damaged soul such as myself.
I realize how seriously mistaken I was.

It has taken me many years
to become the woman I am today.
Years of realization that what I give
is what I should expect to receive.
But now, it is too late to say that
I am sorry for the biggest mistake
I have made in quite some time.

You have moved on,
and I am now stuck
in thoughts of what could have been.
Thoughts of how it would feel
to be in your arms again,
to comfort me in my weakest moments.
Thoughts of your lips pressed to mine,
to show me how me how much I mean to you.
Thoughts of our eyes gazing into each other’s,
to subtlety profess your deepest adoration for me.  

What a fool I was
to let you slip away so easily.
Now I am left with the memories
of our brief time together.
I am now left with the "what if’s."
If only I had chosen differently.

I do not know how to move past this.
Will I ever be able to fully let you go?
Despite all of the questions that overwhelm me
about the past, I just know that
you will remain in my heart, always.  
If one day our paths happen to cross again,
I will definitely choose differently.  

Vicki A. Zinn

2010

I wonder if you know how much
I still think about you?
You are one of the first thoughts
when I wake in the morning
and one of the last thoughts  
when I go to bed at night.

I wonder if you truly understand
how much I miss you?
How you would hold me
when our bodies were close.  
How I would catch you looking
at me, as if in amazement.
How your charcoal blue eyes
gazed into mine when we talked.  

I wonder if you realize that  
despite allowing you time and space,
that you still mean so much to me?
It does not matter to me how
long I have known you,
you were able to allow me to
feel things that I was not so  
sure I would be ever able to feel again.  

I wonder if you know how much
I yearn for us to try again?
That each day without you in it
has been harder than I realized
it could possibly be.
That each day I wonder how you
are you and what you are doing.

I wonder if you will ever get to
the point of accepting that  
I am exactly who I showed you?
That you believe my words.
That you believe my actions.
That you believe in me.    

I wonder if you will ever give
your heart to me fully?
To finally conquer your fears
and let me in.
To trust me enough    
to hold your hand through life.  
To become your best friend.

I wonder if you can have
faith in love again?  
To believe that someone truly
does care about you.
That someone wants to know everything
there is to know about you.  
That someone just wants  
a chance to walk around in your heart.  

I wonder if you think of me?
If you miss my embrace,
my eyes meeting yours.
The chemistry we felt.  
The laughs we shared.  
The support I gave you,
regardless of knowing how
precarious your situation is.

I wonder if you will ever see  
the good in me and just try  
to allow me to be a part of your life?
All these thoughts of wondering
are always on my mind.  
I wonder, I truly do wonder…  


Vicki A. Zinn

April 20, 2014

Lost again, or maybe I
just never truly found my way?
I never feel sure that I am
heading in the right direction.
Instead, my heart and my mind
continue their endless battles.
Will I ever win this internal war?

Will I always have to continuously
question myself, or will
the answer ever become clear?
Should I just keep muddling through
each day with really no end in sight?

Times like this challenge even
my own strength.  Do I
want to continue feeling like
this each and every day?
I thought I had the answers before.
Now, I am definitely not so sure.  

Behind my own smile lies great pain.
I have learned to cover most of it;
however, my eyes tell all, as they
are the window to my soul.  
My heart is kind, loving, and generous.
Yet, I feel that it should be much harder,
so as to not allow some things that
I have acquiesced over my life.  

I am not sure what it is going
to take anymore to help find
my way back to the correct path.  
I just know that this beaten one
is all I have known for so long now.
I am truly lost….

Vicki A. Zinn
November 24, 2013

I have forgotten how to trust.
I have forgotten how to feel.
Most importantly,
I have forgotten how to love.
Maybe it is all the years of pain
I have endured; or maybe
it is the meds that mask
the clarity that I once had?

Right now, I am only living on the outside,
walking around in a lifeless shell
of my once vibrant existence.  
With all of the ups and downs,
each day with really no end in sight?

Times like this challenge even
my own strength.  
Do I want to continue feeling like
this each and every day?
I thought I had the answers before.
Now, I am definitely not so sure.  

Behind my own smile lies great pain.
I have learned to cover up most of it;
however, my eyes tell all, as they
are the window to my soul.  
My heart is kind, loving, and generous.
Yet, I feel that it should be much harder,
so as to not allow some things that
I have acquiesced over my life.  

I am not sure what it is going
to take anymore to help find
my way back to the correct path.  
I just know that this beaten one
is all I have known for so long now.
I am truly so lost,
with no clear direction in sight….

Vicki A. Zinn

March 8, 2014