imagine: there are two bodies floating
at the top of the lake, and you know them
by name-  one is the girl who has always
loved you, and the other is the girl you
have always loved, even though she tells you
she could never love you back. both are
drowning, do you save one, or do you
drown too?

jesus left me a
gun under the
table.

he didn't remember
to leave a note telling
me what it's for, but
i think i'm smart
enough to put one
and two, together. (or
                        am i?):(i am).

it's about a week or so later
when momma tells me
'god ain't real' and rips
it from my hands but
they still  sh a ke     and
reach for love that isn't
there. (in the spaces. the
                    c a b i n e t s ).

: i feel self-empowered at
the thought that maybe i
put it there - memory
evades me -- ***** me                       | high
until i'm low again.                               again. |
                                 (it's all the same).

days pass and i find
it taped under my
desk but this time
with a **** note.

"to forget" it says. "from
someone who cares."

and i think
let's see if it'll actually
            hurt          so
                  mouth open
                              black berry sm ell s
                            taunt me into
                      relaxation, (am i in
                                  p a r a d i s e ):::(i think
                                                             i am).

i know it's the love wrapping
its skeleton arms around
my body when i  f a  l   l     to
                                  the
                                          floor. || everything
                                                  is silent
                                                      on this
                                                        side.






**(c) 2014 jude rigor

your razorblade tongue ran across my forearm
my *******
my thighs
i know it isn't right
but make a mistake enough times
and it no longer feels like one
i am always fine
until i am alone
in my room
thinking about you
and your
quick
cutting
tongue
on my skin

forgive me lord
i have
sinned

"sometimes
i just want
some time
to myself.

is that so hard.
is that so hard."

"is that so?'
he says.

and he laces his
fingers into
mine.

we only ever call God's name in vain.
everyone's just killing themselves
around here, and I'm just cursing
his name and the choir's just singing hymns
of his blessing in intermission and I'm
just waiting for them to take a break
so that I can put on a show, we only ever
call His name when we've returned back
to the show. everyone's just killing themselves
around here and I'm just waiting *waiting.

it's six
and i'm still
swiggin'-
where've
I gone
wrong

what is love
to someone without
a heart.

i have bullet marks for pores
on every inch of skin
you touched.

i swear to god,
every bit of my body
is crying
besides my eyes.

I want to have a body
that matches my mind