The first time your hand fit into mine was in September
At the homecoming dance
I wore a black dress and heels that hurt my feet
You wore a bow tie and a smile that could light up a room
And you asked me to dance with you for a song
You spun me until I got too dizzy to spin anymore
Then brought me a punch and a chocolate chip cookie
And sat on the floor with me in the back of the room
And talked faster than the beat of the music
As we watched everyone else dance the night away

The first time you called me yours was in October
At the fall festival
I wore a bright red scarf, and your hoodie because I forgot mine
So I let you wear my hat because your ears were cold
And you bought me a popcorn
After I lost the cake walk using the tickets you gave me
And I tried to toss pieces into your mouth
But I kept missing, and hit your nose instead
Then you pulled me to the bounce houses
And we jumped around like little kids again
And we laughed louder than the sound of the autumn wind in the trees

The first time you met my parents was in November
At my house, when you came over to do all my favorite things with me
I wore my favorite plaid shirt, the one you liked on me
You wore a striped shirt and your favorite sneakers with the colors on the sole
And we watched our favorite cartoons and ate cookie dough on the sofa
We made silly faces at my camera in the car on the way to your house
Where you played piano for me and your little brother wasn’t wearing a shirt
And I met your dog and your little sister that you love very much
And that day we talked about the future, our future
As we looked at the giant map on the wall and dreamed of cities far away from here

The first time you told me you loved me was in December
At the fountains in the mall
When we went to the movies
Where I wore my glasses that matched yours, because you liked them on me
And snuck sandwiches and chips into the theatre in my bag
And we bought a box of candy and a soda together
After you carried me to the box office on your back then paid for my ticket
And we laughed all through the film
Then quoted it all the time afterwards
And in our photo together our eyes shone brighter than the Christmas lights on the tree
In the center of the shopping plaza

The first time we went a day without speaking was in January
At school
When I didn’t see you at lunch, because you were sitting with someone else
I brushed it off until it happened again
And again
And again
Then you asked me why I didn’t call you or stay to talk to you for long
And I told you why
Then you apologized and I thought everything would be the same
But it wasn’t, because nothing changed
And our eyes grew colder towards each other like the cold air blowing on the window

The first time you broke my heart was in February
When I realized we had both done each other wrong
And neither of us could bring ourselves to say sorry
I stopped wearing the shirt you gave me
And you kept the journal that we used to write letters to each other in
Then our friends turned into my friends
And they stopped asking the two of us to come to the movies,
Only telling me to come
And now each other’s names are as foreign as the countries
We used to dream of visiting together
And our eyes glaze over each other as if we never knew the other’s deepest secrets
And as if you never promised me forever

This won’t be the last time I write about him.

But it will be the last time I try.

You see, I can’t say I won’t write about him again. Because at one point in my life, he was my world. And when someone is in your life and changes you so much, like he did, I don’t think they ever leave you. The person you were with them might be gone, but the person they were- they’re always with you. That’s the thing. When you love someone, you don’t ever stop. You kind of carry the people you love around with you. They’re pieces of you, you know? There is a piece of me that loved him and still loves him and always will. And when I write, pieces of me and the people I love and the people I’ve lost spill out of me. And I think, as long as I write, some part of me will still be writing about him. Without even trying.

They say that if a writer falls in love with you, you can never die.

I think you fall in love with a lot of different people, just in a different way. Not in a romantic way, not always. I think you fall in love with these different people, and you keep them inside of you and parts of them become parts of you. And so all these people I’ve loved, all these people that I’ve collected inside of me- they won’t ever die.

Because I write about them all.

They will be kept alive long after I will, in the words I have written about their smiles and about the way they have made me laugh. They will be kept alive in the fragments of a sentence that I have written about how they broke my heart. They will be kept alive in the letters I have written so I don’t forget how they fixed my heart.

And so he’ll never die, because I fell in love with him. I did. But I’m not in love with him anymore- though I still do love him.

I love him in a different way now. I love him because he was everything I needed nine months ago and he was good to me and he was all I could have hoped for. He saved me when I was about to give up.

And for that, I’ll always love him.  I’ll always be writing about him, deep down.

But today is last time I try.

*a.g.

And (I) read your three a.m. texts
About why you’re sad all the time
And how you don’t find happiness in anything
That you (do) anymore
And how you wish it would (all) go back
To the way things were
(Because) you’re tired of being tired
And lonely, so lonely, you confess
Because (I) am the only one who will listen
You need someone that will (love) you
As much as (you) love them
(But) she broke your heart
And five months later,
(You) are trying to put yourself back together
You (don’t) think you’ll love someone like that again
Because you don’t want to risk (it)
This is what you tell me, at three a.m.
When your sleepy words that you keep locked in the depths
Float to the surface of your mind
For anyone to hear if they are willing to listen
And it seems
(I am) the only one willing
(Waiting for you)