They told me to write about the family dynamic,
and even though they were careful to say
"The" family dynamic,
I was quite sure they wanted to say
"My" family dynamic.
The way I'm quite sure that when my mother asks if I'm gay,
and if that is the reason I'm sporting a gay pride belly ring,
that she is actually saying,
"I swear to God if you're a **** that's the last straw."
Catholic upbringings seem to only account for politely covering up
hidden agendas, not actually purging them in place of acceptance.
My family dynamic is the blank stare I gave my mother that day.
It is the uncertainty I feel on a daily basis. A constant debate on
whether or not I should send her fragile ideals about me spinning
off their axis, admit to being bisexual. In my mind I always look
her in the eyes and say something along the lines of,
"Don't worry mother, I could never be gay. I enjoy a good hetero ******* too much."
In reality I smile and shake my head. Leaving her to go on living in a world
where daughters don't have premarital ***, or lose babies, or try to **** themselves.
In a world where her good catholic daughter could never be gay.
Sort of different for me, what do you think?