and sure enough the thoughts are there
Unable to come out
A fear I’m unable to share

Words held back
Because what if you don’t care

I can type them
I can put them in poetry
Will you read my words
Or will you continue to
Coerce me

Will you look me in the eye
And unload endless pressure
Or will you hear my thoughts
And finally understand her

The girl who’s scared
Afraid of big steps
Sure small intimacy she can handle
But that’s as good as it gets

Our empty relationship
Will forever hold me back
Because with intimacy comes love
And we don’t share that.

I’d peel your orange
Until my hands got sticky
Until my nails were clogged
Until the only thing I’d smell
Was the scent of orange

And I’d let the juice
Flow down my hands like water
I’d let the strings
Stick to my clothes
Like lent

All for you
To have perfect slices

And if I were an orange
You’d peel me too
Until there was nothing left
Not even the slices

I keep waiting
For you to come back
To hold me and squeeze me
As if I am the only thing that matters
As if you never want to let go

And everytime I get my hopes up
Thinking you’ll send a text
Thinking “They’ll be back this time”
I’m let down
Filled with disappointment and emptiness

I’ve never felt more lonely
Than after I met you
And I can’t cope with the fact that
You might not come back this time

Underlying, that’s what they call it
The things you cannot see
The signs you do not notice

That is how all my problems feel
Underlying
They’re present but invisible
I can see them, and only I can feel them

So I use music
To scream for me
To cry for me

Because how can I react
On something I cannot truly see
On something I do not understand

Underlying, yet unknown
There is something wrong
Still I’ll never truly know what it is

I don’t want to be diagnosed
But I do
Because there is something wrong
And I long to figure out what

To decipher all of it completely
For it to add up and make sense

Because what’s taunting me
Has been here forever

I want it out.

It ***** we ended this way, I don’t know how long I’ll miss you but it will be quite the while

I felt loved, I felt wanted, but it was brief
And eventually I felt used

I tried to break free, until I got lonely
And fell right back into you

But finally I’ve broken away, and I still don’t feel free, you’re still in my head

I’m sorry I couldn’t stay, it was nice for a while

Still, I can never give you what you truly want and feel truly okay with it

Goodbye, there’s love for you in my heart still

I thought that if I went back, if I kept letting you hold me, you’d never want to let go. But you did let go, every time. And when you’d take forever to come back, to hold me again, I’d still be there. I never let go, your touch, your arms, trapped me. I didn’t realize it but I started to suffocate. I started to suffocate in the ideas of what you could be, what we could be. Even so, you continue to disappoint me, but I’ve yet to let go.

You took me
And you spun me around

Into a world unknown
One unfamiliar to me
One you knew your way through

And I treated it like a fairytale
Like a dream

But that dream turned bad
When I realized
This world was a trap
And you controlled all that fell into it

You controlled me and the way I felt
You showed me something I didn’t know
And left me there, alone

I’ve broken out of that world now
But my mind still wanders
Because it is the only world I’ve been to
And it’s controlled solely by you